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She Threw It All Away

samspade

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My relationship of the past 2.5-3 years or so has had its share of drama, but things were better the past several weeks, or so I thought. Ironically things seemed better while her grandmother (with whom she was extremely close) was dying and then did die of cancer. That put me in supportive boyfriend mode and not really thinking about much else.

This past Sunday, I can tell something is wrong and she confesses it: She went out to a restaurant not with her mom as I'd thought, but with another dude whose name I'd known but whom I don't think I've met. Rather than get angry, I calmly tell her that it's over while she's bawling. Of course it doesn't end there. Over the next few days, there was a lot of back and forth, and I'm ashamed to admit I crept on her Facebook. I honestly wish I hadn't - not because of what I found but because I already knew enough. What I found was pretty bad, but not smoking gun material. But I had enough to be upset and feel like a fool.

That led to a fight, then a conversation. I've basically taken this whole week off to not be at work (yes, we work at the same company) and to think or not think. I was about to go to a happy ending massage joint to take my mind off things when she shows up unannounced at my door with lunch. I let her in and we have a long heart to heart where I confirm that it is over.

I'll give her credit, she was mature about it and owned up to her major fukk up. She insists there was no sex or kissing, but honestly I'd already made peace with myself that there might have been. The only reason to believe her was most of her/our time was taken up with her sick grandmother, so if she did pull off a weeks-long fling simultaneously then I tip my hat to her and also feel pretty sorry for her because that'd be some messed up shyt. But I'll never know and it this point I do not care.

Anyway, over several hours of her sobbing, she acknowledged that she majorly messed up and wishes she could go back and take it back, yadda yadda, and at some point said "I admire you for making a decision and sticking to it." Gents, in my younger years, I might have taken her back. But I had said many times to her that this kind of thing was a deal-breaker for me. Honestly, the potential sexual part does not bother me so much as the lying and how stupid I felt because I KNEW something was amiss that night and the next day but could not pinpoint it. Once I found out, I knew what I had to do, and it was more a matter of weathering the shyt storm.

As for what led to this - you're wondering how I slipped up, I bet. Well, not to make excuses for her but I pushed her away a lot. I didn't want to move in, didn't want to marry her, didn't want to have kids, told her recently I felt better when single, stuff no woman wants to hear. This other dude gave her attention and probably seemed nice, so there you go. Still, she made her series of decisions and has to live with the results.

DJs, trust your instincts. They say women have intuition, but you know your male survival technology is there to help you, too. Trust it. Don't go looking for problems, but if something doesn't add up, there is usually a reason.

Your support is welcome. I'm sad, for sure, but I think things were heading toward a breakup anyway. It's a shame this happened but when you've got the red pill in you, I guess it makes you more stoic.
 

btownbuck2012

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I really do admire you for sticking to your guns as that is incredibly tough to do in a situation like this. Inspiring for younger guys like myself who have made a complete ass out of myself in similar situations.
 

Huffman

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Congrats on your hard and surely painful decision. But is this really the right thing to take away from it?

As for what led to this - you're wondering how I slipped up, I bet. Well, not to make excuses for her but I pushed her away a lot. I didn't want to move in, didn't want to marry her, didn't want to have kids, told her recently I felt better when single, stuff no woman wants to hear. This other dude gave her attention and probably seemed nice, so there you go.
 

exhausted

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Well done and stay strong. If u stayed together nothing good would ever come of it as trust was broken.
 

BeExcellent

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This is going to happen from time to time when you date women who are marriage & family minded. Once they understand you aren't accepting of that role the natural outcome is a breakup so you can both find someone who lines up better with each person's life goals.

Good for you on the clean break. Best for each of you to go different directions.

This frees you to seek a chick who values YOU more than marriage & family. If you find that you'll have something worthwhile.

As you get older you'll find more women who aren't so hung up on the marriage and baby rabies. But this is going to be par for the course dating women in an age bracket who do seek marriage & family.
 

Milano

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She was branch swinging while her granny was dying? That is fuked up and you did the right thing. The gut feeling really is powerful and should be trusted more, I agree.
 

Desdinova

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I didn't want to move in, didn't want to marry her, didn't want to have kids, told her recently I felt better when single, stuff no woman wants to hear.
I find that women need to have something to look forward to. Telling her something along the lines of "well, I'm not really thinking about it right now, but we'll see what happens as time goes on" will at least give her some hope that you might change your mind in the future. This is part of being a challenge while you're in a relationship. Women need to still have their "forever after" fantasies, and you weren't allowing her to have them. There was nothing for her to fantasize about with you, so she found someone new to fantasize about.

Regardless, it sounds like you're handling the breakup well. So many men would have been devastated. The men here realize that there are other women out there, and that there's life after a relationship has ended.

Wishing you a speedy recovery!
 

samspade

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I find that women need to have something to look forward to. Telling her something along the lines of "well, I'm not really thinking about it right now, but we'll see what happens as time goes on" will at least give her some hope that you might change your mind in the future. This is part of being a challenge while you're in a relationship. Women need to still have their "forever after" fantasies, and you weren't allowing her to have them. There was nothing for her to fantasize about with you, so she found someone new to fantasize about.

Regardless, it sounds like you're handling the breakup well. So many men would have been devastated. The men here realize that there are other women out there, and that there's life after a relationship has ended.

Wishing you a speedy recovery!
To be honest, though I loved her in many ways, I didn't see the relationship lasting. I deliberately said I didn't want kids to make sure she knew there was no future as far as that was concerned. So, I was in many ways prepared for this. Plus, I understand the notion of branch swinging - it's a fact, not some excuse.

In fact, I tried dumping her a few months ago but acquiesced. Part of me could not do it because of her sick grandmother. The truth is that after that was over, a couple of times she picked arguments with me so that she could say "maybe it's time for us to think about breaking away." We had a trip lined up this weekend so she meant after that. When I heard that I thought - this is good, she probably has her eye on someone, we can hopefully ease out of this. I too was thinking about breaking up after our long weekend getaway, so the fact that she was coming around to it did not bother me - it relieved me. If someone had caught her eye, fine, that's how women are. I wasn't stupid; she was bringing up this dude's name more and more. But as it turned out she chose not to be patient.

The other predictable thing is now she is devastated over what she is losing. Part of it is female reputation protection (anti-slvt defense). The other part is simple child psychology - not wanting something until it's taken away. (Well, I'll give myself a little credit - I'm pretty awesome.)

So she's been very immature but also very mature. It's funny. I think her ownership is her reaction to me being a strong man about it. Am I name calling her or bad mouthing her to others? Am I refusing to accept her legitimate apologies because I want to hold it over her head? Nah. Life is too short. We're all human. I know that if I get into a drawn out argument she'll find every fault in the book to use as an excuse. Besides, no punishment is worse than withdrawal of attention. Of course we work together so maybe I'm taking a high road because I can't get down in the mud, but even so, I've found it to be easier to be calm. So that's another takeaway - don't shyt where you eat. Lol. Before this I'd easily slept with coworkers, three or four times without much consequence. I'm an idiot and I knew what I'd gotten myself into.

There are many, many other factors of course. So many things to consider they would all be their own threads. Bottom line - it was a good run, but everything ends.
 

dustmuffin

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Could you elaborate on how she told you? Did you ask if something was wrong and she spilled? Was that the first time? Details pls
 

samspade

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Could you elaborate on how she told you? Did you ask if something was wrong and she spilled? Was that the first time? Details pls
Certainly. Like I said, I could tell something was off. I coaxed it out of her. I told her she seemed different, something was not right, and if she had something on her mind that she could tell me. Lately my friends have not been so up front with me, and I told her I don't want her to be like them because after her, it's just me. (This is all true.) I also said that I would not be angry, whatever it was. Also true. I did not get angry. I could read it all over her face and she welled up with tears and got it out and started apologizing etc. It came out easily, there was no pulling teeth. Dishonesty is a heavy burden to carry. This was the first time something like this was confessed to me. She did lie once early on, but it was before we were serious and something she was under no obligation to tell me...still she freely confessed it when she didn't have to because in that case I wouldn't have been the wiser. (It was far less serious.) The manosphere says women are devious and great liars, but I don't think that's always true - most are terrible liars. I don't have any super powers, but I'm not blind.
 

MrAddiction

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In fact, I tried dumping her a few months ago but acquiesced. Part of me could not do it because of her sick grandmother. The truth is that after that was over, a couple of times she picked arguments with me so that she could say "maybe it's time for us to think about breaking away." We had a trip lined up this weekend so she meant after that. When I heard that I thought - this is good, she probably has her eye on someone, we can hopefully ease out of this. I too was thinking about breaking up after our long weekend getaway, so the fact that she was coming around to it did not bother me - it relieved me. If someone had caught her eye, fine, that's how women are. I wasn't stupid; she was bringing up this dude's name more and more. But as it turned out she chose not to be patient.
Sometimes I think other man just relive my reltionship.
 

samspade

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Some interesting points and I thank you for the link. Only thing is I WAS there for her. I helped her grandmother walk when she was weak. I supported the family by being around for whatever they needed. I visited her grandmother in the home. And I went to the wake and the funeral. I did all this in spite of the other issues we were having because death is bigger than all of that.

But there were plenty of other issues that contributed to this, and she still probably used the death as one of those changing events. The cancer and death put a lot of issues on the back burner. Issues with people in my family not accepting her (she's young), with me never being sure where it was headed and not wanting to settle down with her, with her obviously bringing up this other guy more frequently (and yes I did some territorial pissing when I had to). I am not making excuses for her, but I know how women see things. She also lost a lot of weight which I commend her on but we all know that is a double-edged sword.

Of course now that I am being firm she is begging and regretting.

She has her own personal issues too which I won't enumerate here. But yesterday while we were talking about it, she said, "I tend to do this to myself - I'm self-destructive. It's like I don't think I deserve something good." It was more out of self-examination than self-pity, how she said it.
 

bmp2cpm

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. Ironically things seemed better while her grandmother (with whom she was extremely close) was dying and then did die of cancer.

This past Sunday, I can tell something is wrong and she confesses it: She went out to a restaurant not with her mom as I'd thought, but with another dude whose name I'd known but whom I don't think I've met...
I'll give her credit, she was mature about it and owned up to her major fukk up. She insists there was no sex or kissing...
...Gents, in my younger years, I might have taken her back. But I had said many times to her that this kind of thing was a deal-breaker for me....Well, not to make excuses for her but I pushed her away a lot. I didn't want to move in, didn't want to marry her, didn't want to have kids, told her recently I felt better when single, stuff no woman wants to hear. This other dude gave her attention and probably seemed nice, so there you go.
DJs, trust your instincts. They say women have intuition, but you know your male survival technology is there to help you, too. Trust it. Don't go looking for problems, but if something doesn't add up, there is usually a reason...
Samspade, you did everything right. Good for you for not taking her back! Here's my analysis of what happened.

It's been said on this forum many times that women look to another man after the death of a family member. My 1st wife cheated on me when several of her family members passed away in a short period and I didn't know how to support her. A death is the time when women are very sensitive to the level of support and commitment they perceive they are receiving from their man. If the support and commitment is low, they go through their list of men that they know are interested, pick the best candidate, and subtlety let the guy know are open to starting things. If you want to keep your woman, work like crazy during a death to show commitment and willingness to share whatever she needs, especially your time. A death is truly a make or break time.

So, this woman did not get the level of support and commitment she needed and checked out emotionally. She then promptly checked in emotionally with the best candidate she had on her list of replacement men. She let him know if he pursued her, it would be worth his while. The fact that she was open to getting back with you indicates, that dude was smart enough not to take her bait. The death was a test, she went to her best replacement male, it didn't work, and she apologized to you. If the dude had more interest, she wouldn't have come over to your place with lunch.

Remember, all relationships are about survival of the species. It's what drives all female actions, commitment and resources are key pillars in the woman's playbook for the species surviving. It's all hardwired, little to no conscious thinking behind it.
 

samspade

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Samspade, you did everything right. Good for you for not taking her back! Here's my analysis of what happened.

It's been said on this forum many times that women look to another man after the death of a family member. My 1st wife cheated on me when several of her family members passed away in a short period and I didn't know how to support her. A death is the time when women are very sensitive to the level of support and commitment they perceive they are receiving from their man. If the support and commitment is low, they go through their list of men that they know are interested, pick the best candidate, and subtlety let the guy know are open to starting things. If you want to keep your woman, work like crazy during a death to show commitment and willingness to share whatever she needs, especially your time. A death is truly a make or break time.

So, this woman did not get the level of support and commitment she needed and checked out emotionally. She then promptly checked in emotionally with the best candidate she had on her list of replacement men. She let him know if he pursued her, it would be worth his while. The fact that she was open to getting back with you indicates, that dude was smart enough not to take her bait. The death was a test, she went to her best replacement male, it didn't work, and she apologized to you. If the dude had more interest, she wouldn't have come over to your place with lunch.

Remember, all relationships are about survival of the species. It's what drives all female actions, commitment and resources are key pillars in the woman's playbook for the species surviving. It's all hardwired, little to no conscious thinking behind it.

Your analysis is wise indeed. I thought I had been supportive, but earlier I committed some poor and almost mean-spirited fouls on her. I'm not excusing her. I'm just not blind to what I've done, either. I'm not a wounded innocent - she branch swung but I pointed out the branch to her.
 

Reyaj

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Sam I don't read every thread on here so I'm not familiar with the full back story of this girl. I just know she's early 20's and you met her at work right?

Were you both in an exclusive relationship? When you made it clear you weren't looking for marriage, that didn't make you just FB status since marriage is apparently a goal of hers?

If I'm understanding what you wrote, she basically lied about where she was and went on a dinner date with some guy, is that correct?
 
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