"Qualifying" Myself

[catsmeow]

Hey guys, I hear this term a lot on here and other forums - a woman 'qualifying' herself and how you guys look for that to determine her interest level.

Excuse my ignorance, but I am not really sure what it means because at first blush, it sounds almost like I am bragging on myself in order to get him to like me, see my value. And seeking his approval and validation, which sounds desperate.

I dislike bragging, in fact I dislike talking about myself much at all but have gotten better about opening up in recent years.

But with respect to qualifying myself how would I or any woman go about doing this, without appearing like I am bragging and seeking his attention and approval? Which again sounds a bit desperate to me.

What am I missing?

P.S. This is a serious question, I promise you.

 

[Black Widow Void]

In a way, “qualifying” oneself is really silly and a dent in one’s self respect.

It’s really no different than the man who does no off-road driving nor has children… Yet buys an SUV because he wants to fit in (he’s qualifying himself with the Jones’s).

If a man feels incomplete or suffers ego problems, then he depends on a woman who vies for his attention. If the woman feels incomplete without a man she will comply to this type of ritual.

Personally, when I’ve experienced this from a woman… It is initially flattering. And it also means that I can ‘coast’ a bit more. However in the long run, I’d rather be appreciated for who I am, than filling a random-male position for a female.

 

[catsmeow]

Personally, when I’ve experienced this from a woman… It is initially flattering. And it also means that I can ‘coast’ a bit more. However in the long run, I’d rather be appreciated for who I am, than filling a random-male position for a female.

Not only that, but it's been said (and true in my relationships) that we tend to value more the things (and people) we have to "work for" a bit. This goes for men and women.

So when a woman starts qualifying herself to a man in order to prove her worth and value and seek his attention, and doesn't allow him the opportunity to 'work for' her a bit, put forth time and effort earning her appreciation and respect, wouldn't that lower his interest in her?

Wouldn't he then become lazy and as you said @Black Widow Void he begins coasting and loses his fire to pursue her? And in turn, she loses her fire to pursue him back?

I don't know I am just tossing stuff out there for discussion cause this whole qualifying thing is really confusing to me.

 

[Hamurabimbi]

The closest concept of ‘qualifying’ oneself was a girl at work, who I barely knew, started ‘bragging’ to me that other people told her she was ‘pretty’. She gave me several stories. I in no way intimated she wasn’t pretty. She just did this on her own. ‘Qualifying’?

 

[catsmeow]

The closest concept of ‘qualifying’ oneself was a girl at work, who I barely knew, started ‘bragging’ to me that other people told her she was ‘pretty’. She gave me several stories. I in no way intimated she wasn’t pretty. She just did this on her own. ‘Qualifying’?

Thank you, that's what I mean! A woman bragging about herself. So how did YOU feel about it, did it increase your interest knowing she was attempting to seek your attention, validation and approval?

 

[Black Widow Void]

Quite true, @catsmeow

In my opinion, this biggest problem today is the game of relationship ‘mental chess.’

If both parties overdo it with pretension, then neither win. They think that they ‘won’ because they avoided getting burned.

Naturally, we want to feel personally valued and respected. It all comes down to an old clich’e; we need to be complete rather then relying on the opposite sex to complete us.

 

[devilkingx2]

Excuse my ignorance, but I am not really sure what it means because at first blush, it sounds almost like I am bragging on myself in order to get him to like me, see my value. And seeking his approval and validation, which sounds desperate

So there's an anime called Kaguya-Sama: Love is War



The premise is that two popular smart teenagers at a fancy school both like each other, but both of them are too prideful and arrogant to admit it. So they want to make the other one confess so they can date without losing any face.

But with respect to qualifying myself how would I or any woman go about doing this, without appearing like I am bragging and seeking his attention and approval? Which again sounds a bit desperate to me.

I once made a lightly teasing joke about whether a girl would look a bit chubby in a bikini;

She responded by sending me a bunch of pictures of herself from her Instagram telling me to look at her body and figure because she's definitely in great shape and not even a little chubby lol.

I couldn't tell if she had a whole lot of pride in her appearance or if she was very insecure but either way I took it as a good sign that she valued my opinion highly.

At the time I was unemployed and broke so I was pretty thrilled that this hot law student was trying to prove herself to me.

If I didn't like her I might have thought that it came off as insecure or narcissistic.

 

[Hamurabimbi]

Thank you, that's what I mean! A woman bragging about herself. So how did YOU feel about it, did it increase your interest knowing she was attempting to seek your attention, validation and approval?

She didn’t need to do that, as I already found her attractive. I found it slightly amusing

 

[Pierce.Manhammer]

So insofar as qualifying oneself: we all do it one way or another. The best way is to do it in a non-obvious way. When I get to know someone and I tell them about myself, how I think, my experiences (through storytelling), where I've been in the world, the things I've seen, the books I've read - these are all qualifications if I'm interested in the other person. Otherwise, why would I be talking to them?

Now, taking it a bit too far seems like overcompensation. This has probably been an issue for me in the past as I've had several careers, and interests, I've lived abroad, I'm politically intractable, I speak a few languages, blah blah blah. It seems like I'm showing off, or vying for attention to some insecure folks - but that's a comment on THEM, not me. There is a fine line between confidence and arrogance.

For a woman the rules are different. For me:

1. be attractive to me, I don't care what others think of you.
2. take care of yourself.
3. be agreeable and non-combative that's masculine.
4. please don't talk to me about your past boyfriends or lovers and how they were this or that.
5. some light career talk is acceptable, but if that rules your life you have no time for a relationship.
6. I don't care what your degree is in, or if you have one for that matter. Be well-spoken, read, and curious.
7. be coquette, know how to flirt with me without being over the top.
8. be minimally neurotic, and please no OCD stuff or have it under control.
9. don't overthink and ask the same questions repeatedly like you're trying to triangulate me - don't study me: you won't graduate.

That's all you need to do to qualify yourself to me. It's that simple.

 

[catsmeow]

It all comes down to an old clich’e; we need to be complete rather then relying on the opposite sex to complete us.

Wholeheartedly agree and thank you for pointing that out. I used to talk about this on that "other" forum I used to post on, how the best relationships are between two individuals who are already whole and complete versus looking towards others in a romantic relationship to feel whole and complete.

There are a couple of sayings I actually loathe - "I've met my other half," and "you complete me."

Ugh, I literally cringe when I hear those expressions.

 

[catsmeow]

be minimally neurotic, and please no OCD stuff or have it under control.

I liked your entire list but this^ one, lol, I am glad you added that! That is me (on some level) and like you, my boyfriends all found/find it quite endearing.

Course if they weren't into me, they probably wouldn't find it so "cute," they'd probably think I was psycho or something but anyway, thanks for elaborating on how you qualify yourself, that makes sense and have had boyfriends do same.

 

[BadBoy89]

Don’t mean to offend, but generally any women who is “hot” and “f*ckable” and “fertile” and “under 30” has qualified herself to almost all men.

If you want to get deeper;

- no tattoos
- no criminal record
- no divorces
- no kids

Being a slut Is OK, as long as no kids, never legally
committed and under 30.

 

[catsmeow]

I couldn't tell if she had a whole lot of pride in her appearance or if she was very insecure but either way I took it as a good sign that she valued my opinion highly.

That's very interesting! A different way of interpreting it (other than straight bragging).
I don't think I'd ever respond that way but I can see it.

 

[Pierce.Manhammer]

Yes there are compensated things sometimes. If you’re cuter than a button and sassy (women tend to think being sassy is being unbearably bratty) you can make up for some shortcomings.

I’m hardly understated myself, let’s be a team not competition for each other. It’s OUR world.

If I’m into you I SHOWER YOU WITH ATTENTIVENESS, why not? It costs me nothing and could mean everything to other person. I expect the same in return.

I liked your entire list but this^ one, lol, I am glad you added that! That is me (on some level) and like you, my boyfriends all found/find it quite endearing.

Course if they weren't into me, they probably wouldn't find it so "cute," they'd probably think I was psycho or something but anyway, thanks for elaborating on how you qualify yourself, that makes sense and have had boyfriends do same.

 

[Ignorance is not bliss]

Not only that, but it's been said (and true in my relationships) that we tend to value more the things (and people) we have to "work for" a bit. This goes for men and women.

So when a woman starts qualifying herself to a man in order to prove her worth and value and seek his attention, and doesn't allow him the opportunity to 'work for' her a bit, put forth time and effort earning her appreciation and respect, wouldn't that lower his interest in her?

Wouldn't he then become lazy and as you said @Black Widow Void he begins coasting and loses his fire to pursue her? And in turn, she loses her fire to pursue him back?

I don't know I am just tossing stuff out there for discussion cause this whole qualifying thing is really confusing to me.

It stems from insecurity.
I would suggest against it, unless you're fishing for compliments, it would depend on your appraisal of the guy. Playing hard to get? Not letting on that he's fond of you?
You need to validate that he's worth your effort. Effectively it's a test for a reasoned reply.

 

[catsmeow]

You need to validate that he's worth your effort.

Of course, as I said earlier, BOTH men and women should be putting forth effort (working) to earn each other's approval, attention and respect.

There are better and more effective ways of doing that however (imho) than a woman bragging how beautiful and awesome she is, sending him a bunch of unsolicited sexual pics or telling him about every tom, d*ck and harry chasing her.

I know many women do this, and men enjoy the attention, I was just wondering if it served to increase his interest level and her value/worth in his eyes.

 

[devilkingx2]

Don’t mean to offend, but generally any women who is “hot” and “f*ckable” and “fertile” and “under 30” has qualified herself to almost all men.

If you want to get deeper;

- no tattoos
- no criminal record
- no divorces
- no kids

Being a slut Is OK, as long as no kids, never legally
committed and under 30.

I'd like to meet a girl with a criminal record actually, a lot of girls are quite boring and I think that would add some nice spice.

 

[catsmeow]

I'd like to meet a girl with a criminal record actually, a lot of girls are quite boring and I think that would add some nice spice.

I almost got arrested once for shoplifiting, does that count?

Omg, I think this was me qualifying myself! Whoever said we all do this whether we're aware of it or not was right!

 

[devilkingx2]

I almost got arrested once for shoplifiting, does that count?

Yes. You have piqued my interest

I imagine that it was probably a misunderstanding or you were 10 years old stealing candy on a dare because those things happen to all of us. But the more guilty you actually were, the better

 

[catsmeow]

Yes. You have piqued my interest

I imagine that it was probably a misunderstanding or you were 10 years old stealing candy on a dare because those things happen to all of us. But the more guilty you actually were, the better

The first time was when I was around 10 (maybe 8 or 9 can't remember exactly) and I stole a Ring Ding from the market lol. I felt so guilty I went home and told my dad and he went with me back to the store to return it and apologize to the store clerk. 100% true story.

Second time was at a department store, I put a blouse I liked in my bag without paying and on the way out, I was snagged by security and brought to the back for questioning. I was crying so hard, I didn't get arrested, they never even contacted my parents BUT the security manager asked me for my number and wanted to take me out!

I declined.

I never shoplifted after that, I learned my lesson.