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My GF cheated on me in LTR.

J

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Guys,



A few days ago I found out that my GF cheated on me in the past. She didnt did it once or twice, but 5 times with the same guy.
This all happend 2 years ago.

In the meantime im living together with this girl and i bought a house a year ago.
My girlfriend and I have been together for five years.

After 2 years i had some strange feeling there was something wrong. My instinct told me that she was hiding something for me.

We had "the discussion" but she lied about it and told me to trust her.... I tried several times on different days.

Ok.I found out and after some hours of hard interrogation she told me bit by bit.....
She told me that it was the worst thing that she did in her life.... and blah blah

2 years ago our relationship was in rough wheater. I had just been promoted and had to work hard and long days. She felt neglected and was propably right ( no excuse btw)

I told my GF to get her bags and leave my (our) home. Im in HELL.
I will get out of it soon, but it hurts to be there at the moment.

Just for the record. Im not AFC. I do get a lot of attention from other women. I never cheated on her because I loved my woman, i'm not a weak man, and have high self-confidence.

I cant believe i'm writing this, but im considering to give her a second chance.
:eek:

I always thought that if my GF cheated on me i would say:"please DIE and leave" Did i temporary lost it( my mind)??


Opinions welcome.


Sorry if i made some errors in the text. This is not my first language and im ****ing tired.
 

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Colossus

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For me, that would forever stain her integrity.

"Once a cheater, always a cheater" is right.

Unfortunately, the right thing to do is usually the hardest thing to do.
 

flexion_

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I'd walk away. The best predictor of future performance is past performance. Not an easy thing to do though... sorry bro.
 
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Cesare Cardinali

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What made you decide to interrogate her now, after a few years? Did she do anything to warrant suspicion?
 

PRMoon

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Yeah if you go back to her it's going to translate into "You can cheat on me again in the future" she may be committed to you for a while but it's highly likely that if there's strain in your relationship again it will be no more difficult for her to cheat on you then,then it was the first time.

Then again she could be a really strong person and really put forth some effort to not cheat when things get rough, but I wouldn't put my faith in such dependancies on some one elses moralistic values concidering the previous track record of the person in question.
 
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penkitten

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good for you standing up for yourself.

i know you are considering giving her another chance however its being sad over the breakup and a little lonely not knowing where to go from here talking to you right now.

she cheated and lied about it for two years.

she cheated five times with one guy. that is an affair not a fling and she had to do alot of planning to get away with all that.

if she is pulling the "our relationship was so rocky and hard times " card, let me remind you that if you continued to see her and things ever got " really " bad she would not be behind you.

heart aches hurt but they add character, this just adds that you will not be walked all over by someone that you gave everything you had to.

if it were me, i could never trust that person again.
 

SSben

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when i was a afc before i found the secret community i wanted to get her back becouse i really liked her even though she cheated on me i would see her at aschool and do a cold approach but she would always start to get scared and teary in her eye and run away, i dunno what that ment but i believe that a relationship wiht her wont ever happen again especially couse she knows that she hurt u, she will always fill guilt , move on bro, i told u my story and it was what made me get into this community i thought i had leverage on her couse she would cry when she would see me, but dont be fooled man shes in her own eternal pain so i quit hurting her by wanting to talk to her and she quit hurting me by me forgetinng about her,
 

J

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Thanks guys.

What made you decide to interrogate her now, after a few years? Did she do anything to warrant suspicion?
Someone talked to me and assured me that my GF cheated with the guy in the past.

After the affair she really put her heart and soul into our relationship. Maybe because she was feeling guilty. But i think a big part had to do with love.

I think the hardest road is to take her back. Walking away is the easiest thing to do. I have some good friends, nice job etc. I know there're many many women. I went out Friday and Saturday and got some numbers. Just to get the feeling. It felt good for a day.

I really liked my GF. Before her, I dated a lot of girls. I dont believe in the One... It's just a shame, she ****ed up.
 
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Colossus

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Originally posted by penkitten
...if it were me, i could never trust that person again.
I cant implore you enough to move on from this girl, my man. You wont find many people (not here anyways) that will tell you otherwise.

Your assessment of her feeling guilty and even loving you is probably correct. But as for her staying with you the past two years...I think it is guilt-motivated.

Cheating shows a lack of character. When the chips are down, you have no way of trusting her anymore.
 

Alicorn

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Originally posted by J
She told me that it was the worst thing that she did in her life.... and blah blah
She doesn't really give a sh!t. Go read this thread here.

Also, you could say "it sure is the worst thing you've ever done" then beat her in the head with a shovel.
 

Alicorn

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Originally posted by Deadly_Assassin

Lifes all about taking risk and experiences. But at the same time you have to learn from your mistakes and move on. If you think shes worth it then take her back. If you think she will be loyal to you later on and not do it again then give her a second chance.
You're 19, you have no idea what "life is all about" you don't even belong in this forum; don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Edit: can't spell when I'm drinking
 
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Colossus

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Originally posted by Alicorn
You're 19, you have no idea what "live is all about" you don't even belong in this forum; don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Thank you for saying what we were all thinking.
 

ElChoclo

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This guy is now 70. In his forties his wife gets a call from his mistress who tells her everything. When asked why she doesn't leave the guy, the wife says "That's just what shes wants. I'm not giving her what she wants." She then spends the next 30 years or so holding it over his head. I'm not saying she isn't ever nice to him, but he then spends the next 30 years doing inhouse community service.

Why was this effective. Because he didn't really want to leave. The real question therefore is whether you want to keep her, and whether she wants to leave.

However, this story like all others, requires correct analysis and not just a blind application to your own facts.
 
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Lost In Translation

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Every time i come across the eternal question of do you give them a second chance i am reminded of two things

the movie : SPEECHLESS

starring michael keaton , geena davis and christopher reeves

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0111256/

geena davis is unsure about which man to be with

so she asks them both the same question

IF YOUR WIFE CHEATED ON YOU AND SAID IT WAS A TERRIBLE MISTAKE AND SHE WAS SORRY AND IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN WHAT WOULD YOU DO ?

christopher reeves answer was :

i would say gee honey i am not going to say you havent hurt me because you have and then we would get some councelling and work through it

michael keatons answer was :

i would say we need to go for a walk to talk about it and i would take my wife to a nice lookout and push her off

geena davis then replied to michael keaton thats exactly what she would do

THE SECOND STORY I AM REMINDED OF

once upon a time i had a girlfriend who was very dear to me and i loved her greatly

she asked me as she was young and wanted to know everything the same question geena davis asked the men in the movie

if my wife ever cheated on me what would i do

i answered that it would depend. if she was just my girlfriend i would dump her. if she was my wife and we had no kids i would kill her. and if we had kids i would divorce her.

she asked me what about the kids wouldnt you want to try and work things out for the kids sake.

i replied no. as a man there was no compromise for such a betrayal and that i would kill my wife except for the fact the children should not be deprived of their mother.

now in the politically correct western society we live in i may come across as being extreme

and some people may have the question well now when she cheats she will be too scared to ever tell you

so now when she cheats you will never know

since when do they front up and tell you anyway ?

better she realise and have no mixed ideas about what will happen

when you love someone alot you know deep down inside something is wrong

you always find out in the end

sure i have had many girlfriends i wouldnt care or wouldnt be with for long anyway

there is alot of game playing going on out there these days

but when you find the real thing and you have serious talks then i apply higher standards to myself and to the relationship

my advice to the Don Juan who posted this thread is this :

dump her but make sure she can't touch your money/house and you have a other options lined up women wise

she is no good

i have been through some crazy sh*t in my life but as a man nothing compares to the pain in feeling like your heart is ripped from your chest when someone you love betrays you

thinking about it night and day looking for clues

feeling stupid wondering why you didn't listen to your instincts

at work instead of focusing on the job wondering and asking a million questions

when did their affair end ? does she still keep in contact with him ? did she do this or that with him ? did she use protection ?

it will cost you too much to stay

better to leave and have self respect and peace of mind

but she won she cheated ?

no you won. you showed her you are worth more than the value she placed on you when she cheated on you.

you are a real man.

some people may bust my chops for doing two movie quotes but one other important one comes to mind and while i cant really remember the movie i remember one scene from it

movie : The Firm

tom cruise, jeanne tripplehorn

tom cruise cheats on his wife. his wife finds out.

tom cruise about the sex with other woman : "it meant nothing"

wife : "it means EVERYTHING"

for some reason those words echoed through my mind.

sex. we treat it so lightly. heck even i have little or no emotions left concerning women and love.

society and our actions we f*ck so many women and they f*ck so many men. it all seems like a blur. many of us don't know how to have a one woman relationship and the young women have the same problems.

i know i am all over the shop with this post but i hope you get the "VIBE" of what i am trying to say

tom cruises wife in that movie was right

it means EVERYTHING

how f*cked up is our society when it is all treated so lightly ?


Lost In Translation
 

Rollo Tomassi

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Alright J you asked for my input so here it is.

First, lets do a little assessment of your situation so others can learn from your experience. You're 29 and you've been monogamous with this girl for 5 years meaning you became involved with her at 24 and I'm sure there's a prologue to this as well. I'm not sure how much of this was spent living together, but you bought the house without her help so I'd also assume you are the primary earner and pay for the majority of your responsibilities. You also mention that your 'relationship' was on the rocks about 2 years ago due to your work committment. Again, I'm inclined to believe that you do most of the bill paying here. That's not to presume she's a deadbeat, but it puts things into perspective.

You've basically invested 5 of your prime years (i.e. your 20s) into a loosing situation. You had an opportunity to reassess this 2 years ago and you "worked it out" just long enough to deal with it for 2 more of those prime years. As tough as it is to type this, I cannot fault her for behaving in the manner she did. This is going to sound harsh, but you both are at fault for this situation.

It is not your fault that she 'cheated' on you, lets settle that right now. It is however your delusions and belief in an idealized monogamy during a period in peoples lives where everything conspires to contradict this that fostered you present state. I'm not sure how old she is from your post, but if she is 29 or younger herself, she is necessarily restless since she is fast approaching the time in her life where she must cash in her genetic chips. Your situation is a textbook example of why I ALWAYS tell young men never to even consider monogamy until 28-30 y.o. and even then being very selective and not a marriage committment.

Before the rest of the forum tries to run me up the flagpole for this, let me again say her actions were her own, but by devoting yourself to this idealization prematurely and immaturely you will have an outcome such as what you're experiencing. She is only acting according to what her conditions motivate her to do. If you hold a raw steak in front of a Doberman the dog is going to eat, it's what they do. She will tell you everything she thinks she needs to to ensure you provide her the security she's become accustomed to, but her behaviors will still be prompted by her conditions. It's what she does and not what she says, even when she speaks to you with the utmost sincerity with tears in her eyes, observe the actions.

Now I'm sure I'll get the "You suck Rollo, that b!tch used him" or "She was the lying cheater who should've kept her word and been faithful" etc. etc. to which I'll reply, you're exactly right, she did and she should've, but she didn't. Why? Because they were both operating under these fantasy idealizations that need to looked at critically.

This then leaves J in a tough spot from which he can either profit from or continue on in blissful, AFC, ONEitis prone, pre-whipped ignorance. You've wasted enough precious time in the years you should've invested in yourself instead of trying to make this fantasy work. She gladly took what YOU offered - years 24 through 29 of your life. She (or any woman in this position) will NEVER appreciate this sacrifice; it wont even occur to her. Why should it? Her sexual marketability is on the decline as she ages, your's should be on the incline. She has no frame of reference for this so she cannot realistically consider it.

Don't look at your situation from a pity or apathy standpoint. She's actually done you a magnificent favor by tipping her hand. Not only have you dodged what could've been a lifelong, life-altering mistake by persisting in this idealization, you are freed from this illusion. Do yourself the favor of not looking back. Remember:

You will only get what you have gotten if you keep doing what you have done.

Can you imagine the thread you would've posted if you had continued to "work it out" with this girl into your mid 30s?

You can always postulate that this next time she'll be genuine, but it comes down to the Desire Dynamic.

So what do you do now? The popular (and obvious) idea is to move on, NEXT her focus on yourself. To which I'll add, focus on changing your mind about the necessity of even entertaining an LTR at all - for at least 5 years, exactly the amount of time you've wasted in this ego invested fantasy.

In the meantime Spin More Plates
 

Slickster

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Your girl is a liar.

If she's told you it happened 5 times then it probably happened 10 times or more. I wouldn't trust a word she says.

Staying with her only demonstrates a lack of respect for yourself.

If you can't respect yourself then how can she?

She'll cheat and disrespect you again and again.

Time to move on.
 

Colossus

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So Rollo...

Correct me if I'm wrong, but essentially what you are saying is that a monogamous relationship before the age of 30 is a self-stroking fantasy...

Your take makes sense, but I, among others, find it disconcerting.
 
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