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My ex of 4 1/2 months tells me she's now MARRIED.. Feeling SICK!

Mikeman!

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Words cannot begin to describe how I'm feeling right now...I am utterly and completely devestated! I feel like all is lost...the life I was hoping to realize with the women I STILL have love for will now never happen.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=94432&highlight=Mikeman

Above is the women in question...For those who don't know here's the situation:

I was in a LDR with this women for 1 1/2 years...we fell in love with each other. Her marriage had turned sour, she had a verbally abusive husband she was planning on leaving, and we maintained a relationship over(internet/phone/webcam). She had finally divorced and left him last September, and we had finally met each other for a week over this last New Years...We had an amazing time together, however not 3 weeks after we met, she sent me a message saying she thought we should stop seeing each other, that we're too different, I live too far it won't work out..I got a bit too needy, sent too many emails in response about moving down there, and us being together by the end of the year, she responded by saying she really meant it, it won't work out.

Now...since then she had been sending me messages every 2 weeks saying she's thinking about me. I flirted back and forth with her as well, got her really turned on, she said she shouldn't be doing this etc...she also at that point let me know she was seeing someone else. I'm SURE like a monkey swinging from vine to vine, she IMMEDIATELY grasped onto this guy as she let go of me..even though she had said "it will be hard to find someone to replace you...".

2 months ago she came on telling me she's not sure of this guy...she had a gut feeling that he was using her. He'd do things like forget his wallet. He also borrowed her new car and said he'd make payments on it in exchange for doing so. She also caught him on some dating site and she gets the feeling he might have lied to her about some things. Then she started getting all flirty with me and said "Why don't you come down here and rescue me?". I was actually seriously considering moving down from Canada to the US to be with her, but knew I shouldn't give into her this easy, so when she started getting all flirty/dirty(probably wanted to escalate this to phone sex), I told her I better go...she said "fine, be that way"....Following day she tried talking to me, I wasn't there, the day after that she finally got ahold of me and COMPLETELY changed. She was now sure that she was going to go along with this guy. Apparently this guy originally is from Atlanta, and was going to get a job near her(Arkansas) and she had decided she was going to go through with this with him.

Since then, 2 weeks went by, she didn't msg me like she normally did, so on the 3rd week I msg'd her saying to come on MSN, catch up with me...she didn't respond..So a week after that, the day before her birthday I CALLED her. Told her I thought I'd make her day extra special, was flirty, playful...probably shouldn't have done that, showed that I still was going after her rather than having moved on. She brought up that shes going to Texas for some ball game(4 hours away)...I told her I was possibly moving to California or Texas to work soon. She then mentioned I should move someplace rural, where the rent will be less, ie: hinting at moving near her...The call ended with her saying she needs to get off the phone, it was getting wet(she was in a bath)...I said ya, don't want you getting too turned on. She said "shutup!" playfully.... So it wen't pretty good, so I THOUGHT...

Today, I come back from work, a little over a month later after no contact...she sends me a message on MSN saying she can't really talk but was on for a sec, thinking of me...and that she wanted to tell me that she got MARRIED and won't be able to talk to me anymore there...and that she hopes everything is going well for me!!!!

I am in UTTER SHOCK and DISBELIEF....I constantly feel like I'm about to throw up...my insides are hurting like nothing else. Every day, I've still been thinking about her even though I don't want to...she pops into my head 15-20 times a day, for 1-2 seconds. I slept with another girl a few times, it didn't help me get over this... I still feel love for her and now all hope I had of ever making this work is COMPLETELY out the window, because in a mere 4 months she has gone and MARRIED ANOTHER MAN!! She is extremely needy, she couldn't stand being alone...

I don't know what to do, if I should just ignore this message she's sent and continue going on with not contacting her as I have been, or try and come from the heart and show I'm happy that shes found someone, and wish her the best....This is so incredibly hard and painful to come out of a loving relationship only to find out all hope of reconciling is out the window, for good. I truly would appreciate any help, I feel like I am as close to rock bottom as I can possibly get : <
 

ElChoclo

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It didn't sound too good the first time you told us about it. It sounds even worse this time. You've already been castigated previously for this relationship. Obvious truths don't seem to impress you. A good sexual relationship is the only thing which will help you right now. You probably think it will be unsatisfying. Maybe it will be, but at least if it is half enjoyable you will have something else to occupy your mind for a short time.
 

Burningblue

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She didn't love you. If she did she'd be with you. Any further contact with her will result in misery. Delete her old emails. Remover her from messenger and block her email. Delete her number from your phone. Take any pictures, cards, letters, gifts, and throw them away. Then, go find someone new. Having her in your head hurts but you are the only one who can put her out of your thoughts. Do what you've got to do and remember...this too will pass.
 

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TedJustAdmitIt

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Considering you've been here since 2002 I'd suggest re-reading eveything and actually implementing it this time.
 

MacAvoy

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You want to feel sick, go back and read what we had to 4 months ago. If you took our advice, you wouldn't be in this position. Just when I think we have an all time new AFC of the year there always seems to be a new one crawl out of the woodwork to come and outdo the last one.

I don't even have the heart to read your post. You need to look at this situation from our perspective. Go back and read your situation from our perspective, and tell us what we should do in our situation.

What advice should we be giving you?
 

RedPill

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Mikeman! said:
I don't know what to do, if I should just ignore this message she's sent and continue going on with not contacting her as I have been, or try and come from the heart and show I'm happy that shes found someone, and wish her the best....
Dude someone needs to wake you the fukk up, or at least give you a testosterone injection. Try and come from the heart? Try and come from the nuts. Your "LDR" (in quotes because there's no such thing) of 1.5 years ended when you posted your first thread 6 months ago. That means this chick has probably been with this dude for at least 2 years. That being the case, can it really be so shocking that she got married?

There are perhaps 30 things throughout your sloppy rant that should be addressed, but man you've got bigger issues than this chick. You've gotta read all the essentials here, which you should've done 6 months ago. But, it's never too late.

Mikeman! - over the next month, read everything you can on this site. Start with the DJ Bible. Use the search tool and read the Archive/Tips forums extensively. In fact, read this post first, as I think it's the best medicine for you at the moment. Post back here in a month when you've read all this and tell us what you've learned about yourself.

-----

Side note:
There should be some sort of "starter guide" for when guys come in here in this bad of shape - a de-feminization process of sorts. That way the same responses of "read the bible" don't have to be posted over and over. Being AFC and working to fix it is one thing but not realizing you're AFC is another.
 

WestCoaster

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I'm not sure why heartbroken AFCs post here ...

... you know what's going to happen, we're all going to cyber-b-tch slap them silly.

You want sympathy, go to the high school board or something, or askmen.com, I'm sure they have a message board for AFCs. (Sadly, I used to like askmen.com until I saw today's advice on how to answer women's questions. Ugh!)
 

Mikeman!

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Francisco d'Anconia : I slept with another girl. a few times it didn't help.

Burningblue: Seeing as how she just jumped into marriage with someone else, perhaps you're right. The attraction/love has died down on her end and was re-ignited and projected onto someone else.

RedPill: When I was referring to coming from the heart, I had taken that out of Stephane's teachings:
http://www.ideagasms.com/content.jsp?c=newsletter_archives

About that post you referred me to...Before, she had been continuously chasing after me, saying how much she loved me, cared about me....how she wanted to marry me....all that changed shortly after we met I fell too hard for her, lost my cool and started acting needy. It is possible this happened:
"ONCE YOU GIVE UP YOUR POWER IN A RELATIONSHIP, YOUR WOMAN WILL LOSE ALL RESPECT FOR YOU, AND IT'S ALL DOWNHILL FROM THERE. "

Who knows how her quickie marriage will go...but things are obviously beyond over now...

The question is do I totally ignore this email about her recent marriage and never initiate contact again, or do I reply with something along the lines of "I'm glad you've found happyness for yourself and wish you the best" and THEN drop all contact?
 

MacAvoy

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Mikeman! said:
Who knows how her quickie marriage will go...but things are obviously beyond over now...
I'll bet the farm that it lasts. Cuz a man took charge, thats why she fell for him, cuz you weren't a man, thats all she wanted was a man, not a pvssy dressed up like man.
 

Mikeman!

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MacAvoy said:
I'll bet the farm that it lasts. Cuz a man took charge, thats why she fell for him, cuz you weren't a man, thats all she wanted was a man, not a pvssy dressed up like man.
I'm willing to put my ego aside and say that something about what you've said is ringing true for me. I'm afraid you may be right, I believe that I did not handle myself well enough when we had met...

She did put up with a sub-par marriage for 5 out of the total 10 years and is afraid of going through another divorce for her sake and her children's sake. Regardless of how fast it happened, it seems like it's all over and the question is how I'm going to go out after hearing what she's done, by ignoring her, or wishing her the best before moving on...
 

Mikeman!

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JonJack said:
Intention and Purpose. What's the intention in replying? What's the prupose of replying? The answers may seem simple but since you're having trouble coming to a conclusion on your own, I don't think you'll be able to feel much better getting answers from other people.

So, what's your intention in contemplating replying her? What is it that you hope would happen? What do you think you would accomplish?
I suppose I'm wanting to leave on good terms and to show her I am still the man she fell in love with... before I had turned needy...a man of quality.
 

WaterTiger

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The first thing you should do is send her a card congratulating her on her wedding. (I know it hurts now, but do you really want to give her the satisfaction in knowing she hurt you?)

The second thing you should do is drop to your knees and thank whatever God you worship that YOU aren't her groom!

The woman is an obvious nut-cake, and was probably dating this poor schmuck behind your convienently long distance back. She's accustom to losers, YOU were a winner, so she hooked up with the other guy (Poor ba$tard!) Until she can get a shrink to untwist her brain, this woman will continue to make bad choices and screw up her life.This is NOT your fault. You cannot help/fix/rescue her.

As the other gentlemen have already stated, move on, move on quickly.
 

grinder

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Burningblue nailed it: You must purge her! She's like a worm in your head messing with your thoughts until you do it. You will rationalize reasons to contact her and you will fall right back into the trap, the cycle.

No need to send a "congratulations" card, nuthing, that's just an excuse to get back into contact.

Be lucky she didn't marrry you, be real lucky she IS far away cause this makes it easier to get her out of your head.

The rest is obvious if you read this site: Get out there find some others. Get hunting now!
 

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Bible_Belt

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"she had a verbally abusive husband she was planning on leaving"

If she cheated on the first husband, she would cheat on you as well. Every cheating wife says that their husband is abusive.
 

DoubleA

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Milkman

Ok.

I can speak from experience on your situation. Yes it does suck. It sucks really bad doesn't it?

The same thing happened to me. It isn't fair, yes. She really stuck it too you, yes. I had a woman do it too me. I would have killed for this chic. But Se La Vie. I know it hurts but take some time out and regroup your thinking. Go traveling. Learn a new hobby. As long as what you're doing makes you happy.

These guys will bash you for feeling the way you do. This board is full of wanna be Alpha Males, hiding behind a computer screen. They'll tear you too shreads if you come with that in the paint. LOL.

She's gone. And worse she's burned her bridge with you. You aren't her first choice. But don't sweat it. I've been through it. The best revenge for this is too live well. Work harder. Earn more money. Splurge on yourself when you get the chance. Do the things that make you happy. Just live well and live great. If you want to PM me I can set you straight on a few things.

You're not the only guy that had this happen to you. As someone said, sit back, relax, and read the ENTIRE bible again. Realize, that yes you did get the shaft. Yes, the shaft. And instead of placing her on somekind of pedistol, look down on her for it. Because she didn't give you a chance to correct whatever mistakes you have brainwashed YOURSELF into thinking you made.

She's not worth your effort or energy. She'll be back. They always comeback to a guy they feel is a sucker for them. Then you'll see she never cared for you at all. By the time, your HUGE wound has healed, years later it will seem like all the pain you put yourself through wasn't worth it. And you will have outgrown her.

So man hit me up, but don't expect me to throw you shoulder to cry on. Only good advice from a guy who has been to where you are right now.
 

Sinistar

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$Fd wrote:
You need to get laid.
I'll even offer to pay for it for fvck's sake.

What no response from RT yet? I can just see him reading this one and then flipping into a full blown seizure :) Or wait...the most serious wicked cyber b!tch slap ever may be coming our soon from a moderator near you.

The more I read this site the more I get it and the more I apply these principles the more they actually help me in my life. Your entire post is a mega AFC rant of rationalization and justification. You have allowed your belief system to run amok. Because of it your expectations are fvcked, plain and simple. Read your words below...
I still feel love for her...
NO, you don't. You think its love. Yet right down where the truth lurks you know its a unhealthy, illogical obsession.
and now all hope I had of ever making this work is COMPLETELY out the window...
Dude, you don't MAKE things work out. When we try that they just run...
...because in a mere 4 months she has gone and MARRIED ANOTHER MAN!!
What they do like is a "MAN' and when one stepped up she started doing all the things to him you have been obsessing about for over a year.
She is extremely needy, she couldn't stand being alone...
Dude women in general can be needy and guess what, most of them don't really like being alone very much.

I can't remember the movie (I think it was Spartan with Val Kilmer). He tells a protege:

"You gotta set your Mother ****er to Receive!".

Mikeman!, erase her from your storage unit. Destroy all the backups tapes. Then start living life again.
 

Desdinova

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Today, I come back from work, a little over a month later after no contact...she sends me a message on MSN saying she can't really talk but was on for a sec, thinking of me...and that she wanted to tell me that she got MARRIED and won't be able to talk to me anymore there
I don't smell a quickie marriage. I smell a rejection. I'll bet you $100 that she isn't married, and she said this just to reject you.

Now for your lesson...

You allowed this woman who doesn't even live near you, to string you along via the internet. You fell for her games and followed along like a good little puppy.

Here's the red flags:

1) Her marriage had turned sour,
2) she had a verbally abusive husband
3) she was planning on leaving, and we maintained a relationship over(internet/phone/webcam).
4) She had finally divorced and left him last September,
5) she sent me a message saying she thought we should stop seeing each other,

What made you think that this mess was all her ex-husband's fault? Why did you allow yourself to become infatuated with a woman who didn't live near you, was damaged from a marriage, is divorced, and was basically cheating on him? That's a huge mess right there, and it should have sent you running for the hills.

I was in a LDR with this women for 1 1/2 years
You wasted all this time with a woman whom you've only met in person once. You wasted all this energy on a woman you weren't fvcking (at least on a regular basis). That's a long-ass time to have one-itis for a woman who flaked on you numerous times.

Cut contact and start dating other women. The longer you avoid contact with her, the more the emotion will fade from the memories.

Even though you've been here for 4 years, go read the DJ bible. You've forgotten almost everything.
 

DoubleA

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I don't smell a quickie marriage. I smell a rejection. I'll bet you $100 that she isn't married, and she said this just to reject you.
written by Desdinova

Damn. I never thought of that...LOL. Women can be so triffling. Total brigde burning.
 
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