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My decisions have left me lonely and miserable.

thoughts

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If you check out my post history, you'll see a recent situation involving me, my ex, and my best friend.

I'm just looking for some words of strength, something, anything. I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. My ex and I could have maintained a fun, friendly, and mutually beneficial relationship, but I just continued to make short sighted decisions and fvck it all up. I don't know why I continue to do this.

My original suspicion was that her and my best friend weren't talking anymore and I was feeling strong and secure with myself. Probably not for the best reasons but I was nonetheless. This past weekend I spent the weekend at her house, we didn't do anything sexual but slept in the same bed, but that wasn't the point, I enjoyed spending time with her and well, I thought that she would really begin to trust me again and that maybe we could end up being good friends in the end of it all, hanging out and doing stuff together.

But again I couldn't help myself. My prying mind waited for her to fall asleep and I checked her phone. I found conversation between them and my heart raced. I don't even know why. I was there and he was not. He knew I was, too. But it made me sick to my stomach that she talked to him in a way that she had never talked to me, sending him slightly suggestive pics, saying "you look like someone I want to jump...and someone who let me". It was ... infuriating. Her and I had what I thought was a decent relationship but I never got attention like that. I read her emails and see from an email which contains within some text "...I owe it to you to let you know that you shouldn't waste your time waiting around for me. I owe you a lot more than that actually. You've never wronged me. I wish I could give you the world. In tears as I say this. I truly wish things were different. Just because something ends doesn't mean it never should've been. ILY."

These things strike the deepest of nerves with me. I was so insecure that I deleted the emails and even deleted pictures on her phone that she had saved of him. I didn't think she would notice. And when she found out it was just ... devasating. She told me she used the emails to "mourn and move on". And that every time I intervened by doing sh!t like that that I just pushed her towards him. She began talking to me again and then once she realized the pictures were gone she said I would never step foot in her house again.

I just ... am so tired of making decisions that leave my life blown up, alone, and miserable. I'm seriously just thinking of telling my best friend that I'm a piece of sh!t and that I'm removing myself from my his life and that he and her should be happy together. I don't know what else to say or do with myself. I don't know how to handle any of this and it really sucks. I had a drink before going into work today, that was the only way I would've been able to cope and write this. I just feel so....angry and humiliated.. And I can never see the clarity at the end of the tunnel with regards to where my actions will take me.
 

Alvafe

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the decision who ****ed up your life is you are still talking with a damn Who.re like this.

get better friends, a real friend wouldn't do what he does to your girl
 

resilient

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Thoughts, you have to do a mental check on your neurosis.

You're hanging with the ex pinning to get her back. You slept in her bed, but didn't do anything remotely sexual.

You panicked and snooped through her phone and deleted emails and pictures while she was asleep, which of course she found out.

Regardless of whether or not she was "using" those to get over your best friend, he was still occupying space in her mind (see Desdinova's High Score Theory thread).

Drop your best friend. Spin more plates and forget about this one. You can't fix it with her.
 

grayclif

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I didn't look at any of your recent posts but the factruth that you have them means you have been around this site a while.

One or all of these things (or lack thereof) should have jumped out at you read back your post

1. No spinning plates.
2. Being in the friend zone
3. Girls with male friend are red flags.

Folks around here need to look a little bit more deeply into their behaviour before seeking answers here. Chances are they already know the answer.
 

thoughts

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Dropping them both, well, dropping him since she dropped herself for me, is just ... fvck. I don't have the strength to be completely alone like that. Without friends or love.
 

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resilient

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Thoughts, if you want to have success with women and life in general, you've got to learn to be completely cool being alone. Practice indifference and pursue interests that increase your SMV (sexual market value). I.e. career, physical fitness, passions (insert what you do for fun here).

Read the DJ bible and get yourself up to speed with recent threads to will help change the way you think and help you improve your frame:
 

SteR

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If this was happening to me, I'd drop the both of them. The only way you're going to heal is to get them out of your life. I understand it must be hard living with your ex. I had something similar once, but the only way I was able to cope with it was to stay out of the house as much as possible and just hang with friends.

Like the others mentioned, I think getting new girls in the picture will really help you get over this. Once you're with someone new you won't care what she's up to.
 

Arcturus

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Look in the mirror, stare straight ahead, ask yourself out loud, "is this the man I want to be", slap yourself hard, now think of her, every time you feel sad or depressed, slap yourself over and over again. Stop when you finally stop being sad and just feel ANGRY. You don't need to work on women, you need to work on yourself. How could you have let yourself get to this place? As long as she was in your life, you could not have found anyone better, as long as he was your best friend, he was taking the spot of you meeting a REAL best friend. You need to look inside yourself and find the reason to live, the reason to move on, the reason to start from scratch and brick by brick tear down your old weak foundation and build a far stronger, grander you in its place. You don't need sympathy, you need to toughen up. You made a million and one mistakes to get you to this place. Every time you could have fixed something, you took the easy road and decided to stay with the girl, avoid the unknown, not set firm boundaries, exercise self respect etc.. etc... You didn't get here over night, you won't get out of it overnight. BUT, if you are willing to give it everything you have, you can use this as a gift to tear down the old you and be reborn as something much greater.
 

sodbuster

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The FIRST thing you need to work on is your ability to "deserve better". Do you deserve better than those 2? Get rid of them and find better. You are self sabotaging yourself every time you turn around. You wanted this slut back as a girlfriend, but you had to snoop her phone and delete the e-mails so you'd get caught...... because you don't even think you "deserve" this loser????? SH!T no words for that behavior.

The whole " I don't want to be alone" statement.... WHY? Aren't you able to be happy by yourself? Do you NEED someone else to make you happy? I FOUND new friends after the Divorce, New women after { I scored one the DAY after it was finalized, said "meh, I have better things to do than worry about women" and took a year off}
 

Desdinova

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That bytch was fvcking around with your best friend. That a55hole was fvcking around with your ex. BE ANGRY ABOUT THAT. Anybody who respects you doesn't do 5hit like that. Kick the both of them out of your life. They don't deserve to be in it.

You have a lot of work to do on yourself. You've got some healing to do and much to learn. Go read the DJ Bible and learn how to be better with women and improve yourself.
 
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hithard

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That bytch was fvcking around with your best friend. Anybody who respects you doesn't do 5hit like that. Kick the both of them out of your life. They don't deserve to be in it.
A(fu.cking)MEN
You were so wrapped up trying to love some s1ut, that you ignored the person that really matters.... YOU.
Why the hell are you angry at yourself about blowing this relationship up. I'm not saying you should snoop around, but you should trust your gut.

The inner you was saying: "Fu.ck this s.hit" but your beta social conditioning got the better of you.
Even subconsciously, your mind knew you were being an ass licking puzzy and gave you a slap.

Get the f.uck away from her. You are not in the right frame of mind to be around her at all.
 

thoughts

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Thank you all guys for the words. You're right I don't need sympathy I was just looking for words of strength, something that could help me reconcile in my head the actions I took.

Do you guys think the subconscious is capable of 'forcing' me to act in ways that my conscious self would not to force me to walk certain paths or to get me out of certain situations?
 

sodbuster

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you'd better hope so, it just saved you time with a sl&t who has already cheated on you.....always trust your gut.... ALWAYS
 
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