Judging compatibility for an LTR

[Princess-Spock]

To those who entered this thread just to post, “Why even bother with LTR’s/marriage?” let me preface my comments by saying; if you find “the right person,” your life will be greatly enriched, such that you can never be anywhere near as happy withOUT her as you’d be WITH her. This is why LTR’s and marriage continue to be the rule rather than the exception; it’s human nature to want to be happy.

If you just wanna date and fvck around, more power to you-I’m not knocking you, by any means. What’s written below is for the benefit of those who DO want an LTR, and are struggling with finding the woman who’ll make it work for them; be nice and let them talk about it without flaming them for making a different choice, OK?


“Compatibility” is the existence in another person of the personality traits that allow you to have a good relationship with them long-term, or even “until death do you part.” It does NOT mean that you can have a relationship with no effort, no struggle, no fighting, no sacrifice-life isn’t like that. Compatibility means that you can have the sort of deep love you see in people who have found true happiness with each other.

Happy LTR’s, with or without a marriage contract, DO exist; it IS possible to never be bored with your partner, to love your partner for 60 years, and to be much happier with them than you could ever be without them. It’s not easy to choose the right partner, but just because something’s a little hard doesn’t mean you can’t do it; anything worth having is worth working for, right?

Ideally, we’d test all prospective partners for compatibility BEFORE we waste time with someone we won’t want to be with after a few weeks, months or years, but our cultural norm of jumping into sex, and thus into relationships, with people we barely know works against our being thoughtful and objective, and takes us away from the search for the person with “the right stuff,” who’ll actually make us happy long-term, by allowing us to think with our hormones instead of our brains.


How DO we use our brains to objectively judge compatibility? This is what I've been able to come up with (feel free to add other points from your own experience):


Here are a few things that are NOT proof of compatibility:


1) You get along well; of course you need to get along with your partner, but, unless you’re a really rotten person, you can get along well with MOST people, and most people can get along with YOU.... you’re NOT “LTR compatible” with most people, though.

2) You have enjoyable sex; yes, you need to have a certain level sexual fulfillment to make an LTR work, but, unless you’re into something truly unusual, you can enjoy sex with ANYONE you’re attracted to.... but you’re NOT compatible with everyone you’re attracted to.

3) You have things in common; yes, having things in common makes it easier to become involved with someone, and there’s much to be said for being able to share things you like with your partner, but people with all sorts of personalities can like the same things you like.... and you’re NOT going to have compatibility with ALL personality types.

4) You enjoy doing things together; of course you want someone who is fun to go out with, but any random woman off the street will likely enjoy going to restaurants, clubs, the zoo, etc with you... and you’re NOT compatible with just any random woman.

5) You love each other; love is a MUST, but love does NOT conquer all, and, as you’ve probably seen with past relationships, love can exist WITHOUT the one you love being compatible with you for a LTR.


What IS proof of compatibility?


Some of it is easy to tell soon after you meet; if you MUST have a woman who doesn’t smoke, wants a big family, and shares your religion, for example, you can instantly disqualify a woman who smokes, or hates kids, or has different beliefs. ASK about anything like this that you require in a LTR partner, so that you don’t get sucked in with someone who can’t give you what you want.


If someone passes your initial screening, then the next test of compatibility is to see how it’s going after the “getting to know each other” phase is over. By that point, she should be willing, and HAPPY, to spend UNSTRUCTURED time with you, ie just hanging out, talking, taking a walk or a drive; if she’s NOT, then it’s the “dating process” she’s enjoying, not YOU in particular (although she may truly like you and enjoy going out and having sex with you). If you’re searching for a true LTR partner, where you stay happily together for years or even decades, you need to walk away at this point, even though you’re probably comfortable; as you know, you can’t “bribe” a woman into being your soulmate by doing things for her, and being “The King of All Date Planners” does NOT get you a happy LTR, it gets you feeling put-upon and resentful, and vulnerable to a real kick in the head when the woman you’ve made so much effort for takes off with someone she “clicks” with (not to mention your disgust if YOU meet someone you click with and then see how much effort you wasted on an incompatible person).


As more time passes, how do you judge if you can make it long-term? The shrinks say that the closest thing to a “personality fingerprint” is the sense of humor, and that you can get a good idea of who you’d be compatible with by how similar your senses of humor are; my personal experience and observation have been that this makes good sense. Beyond that..... even after a solid chunk of time together, can she still make you laugh until your stomach hurts? Does she still treat you right? Is she still the one you want to share all the good things in your life with? Is she the one you automatically turn to when you need comfort, support or care? Does she know you so well that she can virtually read your mind? Is it clear that she feels the same about YOU? If so.... congratulations, you’ve found a compatible person!!


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To minimize the disruption following any comment I make, I will NEVER return to a thread once I've posted there. To well-wishers; sorry!! To all others;

The truth will set you free..... but first, it'll REALLY p!ss you off.

"You may be on the right track, but the train will run you over if you just sit there." -- Will Rogers

"It is not enough to have great qualities, we should also have the management of them." -- La Rochefoucauld

[This message has been edited by Princess-Spock (edited 08-07-2002).]

 

[Powertrip]

ASK about anything like this that you require in a LTR partner, so that you don’t get sucked in with someone who can’t give you what you want.

While I think the rest of the post was just about common sense, I think the sentence above doesn't get practiced enough by some of our more experienced members. I know that I usually get so focused on the chase I forget that I'm usually painting myself into a corner.

Thanks for the reminder.

 

[TesuqueRed]

Interesting post. I think it comes from a certain perspective that has grappled with these issues. Princess Spock has taken the pro-active view (poor word choice here, I know...) Yet, I find the majority of people marry for the wrong reasons. A number of people correct their mistakes later and go through the indepth, meaningful self-examination process Spock did above.

Not to be a killjoy, but this is what I often see around me of people who marry or stay married that have never faced why a LTR can be satisfying and engaging. Having the meaningful interaction in a LTR is vital, but knowing when you haven't done your work right is crucial, too. So I submit the following observations of why people marry:
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I've read here or somewhere else that most women would rather have a divorse on their record than not having a LTR at all.

This ties in w/a woman I know who sized up a mutual acquaintance by saying "she's 31 and has never had a BF longer than 2 months--which says a lot."

Relationships figure so large in a woman's world-view that they are defined by their relationships and judged by ea other and society by who they get as a partner. This is only natural, of course, and has profound effects on the decisions we unconsciosly usually make.

The above holds true for men too, but usually isn't so prominently worked over as it is for women.

Evidence of that appears where women use men as social proof--women use it more and more skillfully than we do!!!--we're actually rookies at this. They will go out with friends, juggle AFCs and keep the exact nature of their relationship with a guy friend murky so that they appear as if they are in some stage of relationship.

Appearance is king. Look twice at the woman who has had a BF or another continuously since the age of 15 and you will find a skilled player. She has likely developed a subtle and skilled touch, too. You can learn a great deal by watching them.

Now if you're in a relationship with someone who's had a BF in one form or another since 15...you've been caught! Look over and see if you can figure out how it was done --

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Marriage is used as the next stage of the progression of BFs from high-school prom date to college steady to fiance.

Marriage is fashionable among the 20-something crowd.

No other progression is really considered. If something else is considered, it is thought of as what losers have to settle for who can't manage the prom-date / college-steady / fiance dance in 4 BFs or less.
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Marriage is used as the ultimate social proof: especially for those in their mid to late 20s. Spinster-hood and the inevitable questions re "she's 30-something and not married? What's wrong w/her/taking her so long???" questions are just around the corner from your mother, her friends, your friends and yourself.

Paired with this is the business-like sizing up of your partner--figuring "we know ea other and we get along, I can handle their bad moods and they can handle mine...we've known ea other so long."
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Marriage is kept going on inertia because you at least know the @sshole you're with, and you can manage that more or less, right? Better that than getting back out on your own. Dating can only be remembered in the worst way for them.

I've lightly DJ'd a number of married co-workers and friends--for practice

don't get any ideas, now--and found they really wanted to respond. I wasn't even DJing, it could just be having fun and cracking jokes with them. At some point, w/o fail, their face would fall in resignation and despair as they reminded themselves that they were unhappily married and didn't know how to get out of it.
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Marriage means my life will have meaning and structure or it can cover over the emptiness most of the time. If nothing else, I won't look like a loser.

Appearance is king.
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Marriage means I don't have to face my lack of social skills and I can get out of the hideous dating game which I suck at so badly. This is common among those who married their college steady.
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Marriage means I won't be the last one in my social circle unmarried. This is common w/women as they approach being one of the last unmarried among their friends. Look for them to act out at some point---dye their hair red, run off to Hawaii and grab the first likely candidate, whatever.."

This also applies to guys, BTW. We act differently, though, usually by a reversion to some AFC behavior.
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For the kids.....

Putting off the decision to leave until the kids leave may be harder and more unavoidable--but at least you can procrastinate now.


Just a partial list...


[This message has been edited by TesuqueRed (edited 08-09-2002).]

 

[dead_romeo]

Tesque, that is so true. It's all about status for women. Something they never admit to; it doesn't even phuckin matter who they marry, it's what it represents to them, and how 'elevated' her status is among unmarried peers.

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"Conclusions arrived at through reasoning have very little or no influence in altering the course of our lives. Hence, the countless examples of people who have the clearest convictions and yet act diametrically against them time and time again; and have as the only explanation for their behavior the idea that to err is human." Carlos Castaneda - The Fire From Within

"It is the responsibility of the strong to help the weak become strong" - Harlan Ellison

 

[Lord_Galth]

I think status matters to a lot of women, but not all, or at least not to the extent described there. The question is how does one spot a woman whose actually looking for the same thing we are (refering to ltr'ers): companionship, long term conection, and compatibilty...

Its just as important that she feels compatible with you. Thanks princess for the comment about spending unstructured time with you (that'll work in all cases except where the person doesn't spend unstructured time with anything or anyone in general, u know, a real organization freak. But "hanging out" time is definitely a good mark).

 

[Chubbs Peterson]

Princess-Spock, I get the feeling that this post was partially inspired by a post that I wrote regarding LTR's and date planning, so this was interesting.

Generally I agree with what you wrote, the only problem is that, from a man's perspective, it pretty much reduces the actual number of "worthy" women. Most women (and to be fair, a growing number of men) are into playing games and may not reveal those kind "real" personality traits and sincere actions that you've described for fear of looking weak (And I'd say that both sides could be justified in doing this). It's like an arms race--both sides building up their arsenals even though they both want peace.

Like Powertrip wrote, much of it is common sense, but you know what they say about common sense.

Tesque...

Wow. Great addition to this thread. Very insightful. It makes you wonder "Is anything really authentic and genuine?"


All this reality is mildly depressing. Ah well. Gotta go meet some chicks.

--Chubbs