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I wasted my youth and I'm struggling to let my regrets go. Any tips or advice?

Mike32ct

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I commuted to college and didn’t get a single date until AFTER college. Later on, I got to about 14 lays.

Definitely have some fun with women now where you can. But don’t waste an excessive amount of time on pickup to “make up for lost time.” Otherwise, your career trajectory can suffer, and then you will be doubly-screwed later on. That is a risk for late bloomers.

TLDR: Game is ok in the short run. But $ is more important in the long run and could add more longevity to your “game.”
 
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LARaiders85

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Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like the vast majority of people look back fondly at young adulthood (18-30) as the best time of their lives particularly woman-wise. I'm sure the majority of people here spent their young adulthood in a haze of glorious hedonism. Having a wild 20s is the norm for most men and women in the Western world.

My 20s were spent in a state of anxiety and chronic depression. An almost teenage angst defined those years; I spent countless hours trying to answer existential questions about life that I can't answer. I drank quite a lot and went out regularly with one or two friends but we were beta losers who mostly just played pool, watched soccer, and admired women from afar.

I got dumped by text message from my first relationship when I was 21, after over 3 years together, and I immediately became depressed. I felt like I'd lost my only ever shot at One True Love™. Only 2 years later, aged 23, I entered into a toxic relationship with a woman abroad that lasted 9 whole years (I'm now 32). My self-esteem was crippled and I latched on to the next woman that showed interest without caring if I even liked her. That's pretty much all of my youth taken up by relationships in which happiness was not the norm, particularly in the latter case.

I didn't enjoy college at all; I spent 4 lonely years majoring in a subject that I only chose for the potential monetary benefits without considering if I cared about or liked the field. 99% of college students spend 4 years partying, befriending new people, and ****ing with the often end result of a corporate career at which they excel. My experience wasn't like that.

I've never even had roommates. My college campus was close to where I lived, and I come from a quite poor background so I wouldn't have even been able to afford a dorm (I only got into college due to a government grant). The majority of twentysomethings have at least one Friends-esque roommate experience where they live with great people and have fun all the time.

I spent the remainder of my 20s after college frittering around not really achieving anything of note. I drank too much. I tried freelance writing and failed. I started a food blog and it failed. I travelled to and lived abroad, but I was lonely there so my experiences don't count. My days abroad were either spent with my gf (the toxic 9 year relationship) or completely alone.

I was so unhappy and so isolated during those years that I literally feel unique among the world's population in how I squandered that time. I see successful players like Tom Torero killing themselves and I can't help but wonder how I'm still alive. I've slept with 3 women in total and I'm 32...it doesn't get any worse than that.

I guess I'm just reaching out for advice from this community because I don't know where else to turn to.
you didn't actually waste it. Two relationships spanning over a decade (toxic or not, you got experience and you are far from an incel). Graduated college. You're in a good position compared to a lot of ppl.

I do regret not getting laid much in college but you were getting laid a lot more than I was due to your LTRs. I also accept the fact that I physically did not mature until after college. It is what it is.
 

lost_blackbird

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I sincerely dislike the word "deserve".
I have had to earn just about every bit of affection/money/admiration/acceptance that I've ever received.
I certainly don't "deserve" anything, good or bad.
 

Mike32ct

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you didn't actually waste it. Two relationships spanning over a decade (toxic or not, you got experience and you are far from an incel). Graduated college. You're in a good position compared to a lot of ppl.

I do regret not getting laid much in college but you were getting laid a lot more than I was due to your LTRs. I also accept the fact that I physically did not mature until after college. It is what it is.
Yeah getting some relationship experience is important especially when you’re younger. It’s something that doesn’t get much discussion here unfortunately.
 
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corrector

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My ex-gf experience in 2012 sorted out all of those issues. While it didn't last, the experience with her was good enough. I was 36 years and she was 29 years old when we met each other. I also got married to my ex-wife 2 years after I broke up with her. (Today she's likely older than I was at the time we met).

As of late I've felt nostalgia towards my own youth. Not because of women, but because it was a different type of world that was experienced differently in a younger type of body. You can sort of feel that change over time and no matter what is experienced during youth it's always going to be better or more rose-colored as you get older. Maybe I'm just a memory-lane type of guy.
 

Black Widow Void

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A belated "welcome aboard" to you.

The great thing about this forum is that we can be grateful... because there's always someone that probably has it worse than you. For instance; take a look at the below forum member. He only appears capable of providing unoriginal thought (memes) and insulting new members.

Be assured that even at your lowest point, you're life couldn't be this pitiful.


 

Grounded eagle

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I didn't give any advice. You may want to have a re read of this thread. At least 4 off my list have been spouted already.
I wanted to let this thread develop a little before replying.If you pay attention,the majority of the negativity on this thread has come from you.

Ironic isn’t it?
 

lost_blackbird

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I wanted to let this thread develop a little before replying.If you pay attention,the majority of the negativity on this thread has come from you.

Ironic isn’t it?
Wow! Reading comprehension really isn't your strong point.
That's okay! It's nothing to be ashamed of and you certainly make up for it
with your patronising manner. Given my own personal struggles in life
I try not to be too hard on other people I encounter who also have learning difficulties.
 

Grounded eagle

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Wow! Reading comprehension really isn't your strong point.
That's okay! It's nothing to be ashamed of and you certainly make up for it
with your patronising manner. Given my own personal struggles in life
I try not to be too hard on other people I encounter who also have learning difficulties.
I saw what you posted and I ignored it deliberately. You say this forum is no good yet you continue to not only remain but participate here.Then you try to taint a new members opinion of the place by projecting your poor mindset.

But I’m the one who has a problem?

Anyway, I don’t want to derail the thread.
 

metalwater

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I saw what you posted and I ignored it deliberately. You say this forum is no good yet you continue to not only remain but participate here.Then you try to taint a new members opinion of the place by projecting your poor mindset.

But I’m the one who has a problem?

Anyway, I don’t want to derail the thread.
not a joke; you two should dm each other. both can learn. eh...

the lesson is different for each but equal value.

The OP situation is not so uncommon, and it's not odd or weird. It is not fun for OP and part of what we try to bring is how to add some fun to life. We live in our body and in our mind, we have no choice.
 

metalwater

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I guess I'm just reaching out for advice from this community because I don't know where else to turn to.
I can relate to most of your points. Do you want to make it better ?

one of the things to try to do is inner calm, before applying effort to improve.

I picked up a good tool from @Serenity. The book, The Power of Now by Echart Tolle. Some like this others hate it. It's a tool to try to move from sad to happy. If we can get to happy then all things become nice and life is good.

You are in good company in this forum, it's filled with men that all have some issue. Different issues, some know it others hide it while some don't have any issue and think they do and that is an issue. eh...

Are you lifting heavy and running, if not can you start pls. Those activities will activate chemicals in your body that will help you. There is more to do, but can you start with that?
 

Yam_Naem_Kluk

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I can relate to most of your points. Do you want to make it better ?

one of the things to try to do is inner calm, before applying effort to improve.

I picked up a good tool from @Serenity. The book, The Power of Now by Echart Tolle. Some like this others hate it. It's a tool to try to move from sad to happy. If we can get to happy then all things become nice and life is good.

You are in good company in this forum, it's filled with men that all have some issue. Different issues, some know it others hide it while some don't have any issue and think they do and that is an issue. eh...

Are you lifting heavy and running, if not can you start pls. Those activities will activate chemicals in your body that will help you. There is more to do, but can you start with that?
Thanks for the book suggestion; it's one I'm very familiar with. I really like The Power of Now. My problem is that I'm someone who intellectualizes a lot and doesn't take enough action. Despite my unhappiness in life, I've had great exposure to books that have definitely filled my mind with interesting ideas about how to live a better life.

I am not currently heavy lifting and running. I always justify my daily 10k steps as sufficient exercise.
 

Machine10033

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So here you are in the present... with the world right in front of you literally letting the past which you believe you wasted affect your present mood... don’t waste the present on the past.

keeping my life story short I was an awkward introvert growing up... had two decent years in high school... abandoned all the friends I struggled to make for my high school love. Went to a local college to stay close to her while she finished high school. She graduated and went to a college 2 hours away... first year came home every weekend sophomore year started telling me she needed to experience college... tells me over Christmas she’s seeing multiple people and ends it with me. I had my parents and no one else.... I was suicidal lost 30lbs and on my way to class passed out one day. Had double pneumonia and was in rough shape... 2 weeks in hospital and 3 months of recovery. Literally no one cared or checked on me... my ex didn’t reach out once. My old friends literally rejoiced at my situation considering I abandoned them.

so.. those should have been glory days and I almost gave up on life. Something snapped after that... I found this site.. took it all in... and found out that at any moment you can turn it around and make the present the time of your life. Don’t dwell.. past can be depressing!
 

2Rocky

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A belated "welcome aboard" to you.

The great thing about this forum is that we can be grateful... because there's always someone that probably has it worse than you. For instance; take a look at the below forum member. He only appears capable of providing unoriginal thought (memes) and insulting new members.

Be assured that even at your lowest point, you're life couldn't be this pitiful.
I just am not gonna re-invent the wheel....I've been all along the continuum of dating and relationships and it has all been said before...BWV I'll pray for you the next time I ejaculate deep inside a beautiful woman... which should be in about 8 hours...
 

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Black Widow Void

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Forum members and lurkers, think about this.

Read the below comment and ask yourself. Would someone of the below caliber and personality.. actually be capable of landing a woman?

And If so, would it be the type of woman that you’d be proud enough of ... to be seen in public?

Think about it.

I just am not gonna re-invent the wheel....I've been all along the continuum of dating and relationships and it has all been said before...BWV I'll pray for you the next time I ejaculate deep inside a beautiful woman... which should be in about 8 hours...
 

metalwater

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Thanks for the book suggestion; it's one I'm very familiar with. I really like The Power of Now. My problem is that I'm someone who intellectualizes a lot and doesn't take enough action. Despite my unhappiness in life, I've had great exposure to books that have definitely filled my mind with interesting ideas about how to live a better life.

I am not currently heavy lifting and running. I always justify my daily 10k steps as sufficient exercise.
cool, try to add or add back again the lifting and running. it's different than walking even if stairs. or maybe what your doing is already the same?? the pushing of the body to limits that lifting and running does is good for the chemicals and the spirit. it can be enough to get the pages turning. It's one of the few things that we can do that doesn't take much to figure out, it's simple and has predictable results for us.

I actually use the ideas in the power of now. At first, it seemed corny to me but if I actually FORCE myself to do it I can move to a better mood and the mood is really what most of life is all about.
 

Bokanovsky

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Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like the vast majority of people look back fondly at young adulthood (18-30) as the best time of their lives particularly woman-wise. I'm sure the majority of people here spent their young adulthood in a haze of glorious hedonism. Having a wild 20s is the norm for most men and women in the Western world.
You stand corrected. “Glorious hedonism” is not the experience of the vast majority of men and women in their 20’s. Far from it. Ever heard the expression “youth is wasted on the young”? There is a reason for that.
 

EyeOnThePrize

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Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like the vast majority of people look back fondly at young adulthood (18-30) as the best time of their lives particularly woman-wise. I'm sure the majority of people here spent their young adulthood in a haze of glorious hedonism. Having a wild 20s is the norm for most men and women in the Western world.
A man that slept with 300 women in college may look back and regret not paying more attention in class, or he may look back fondly. The only thing youth provides is some structured events where you have the opportunity to mingle with the opposite sex (classes, extra-curriculum, sports teams, etc), whether you actually do is completely up to you. Once out of school you're simply responsible for setting up those events rather than having them setup for you, the opportunities to mingle will be there forever.

My 20s were spent in a state of anxiety and chronic depression. An almost teenage angst defined those years; I spent countless hours trying to answer existential questions about life that I can't answer. I drank quite a lot and went out regularly with one or two friends but we were beta losers who mostly just played pool, watched soccer, and admired women from afar.
I love contemplating deep existential ideas, feel free to DM me and we can dive down some rabbit holes together. You're aware that you drank a lot, which is valuable feedback, and you surely had good times playing pool and watching football with your friends. Had you chosen to have more friends the relationships may have not been as deep. Had you chosen to chase girls you may have had no friends at all. We can't be multiple places at once, own the path you chose, love who you became and your ability to recognize what you want to change/improve.

I got dumped by text message from my first relationship when I was 21, after over 3 years together, and I immediately became depressed. I felt like I'd lost my only ever shot at One True Love™. Only 2 years later, aged 23, I entered into a toxic relationship with a woman abroad that lasted 9 whole years (I'm now 32). My self-esteem was crippled and I latched on to the next woman that showed interest without caring if I even liked her. That's pretty much all of my youth taken up by relationships in which happiness was not the norm, particularly in the latter case.
Sounds like these were powerful lessons for you and I'm delighted to read how mindful you are of your past missteps. I've also had toxic partners, everyone has, and success is built on a series of failures. The best thing we can do is try something different and use our new wisdom effectively.

I didn't enjoy college at all; I spent 4 lonely years majoring in a subject that I only chose for the potential monetary benefits without considering if I cared about or liked the field. 99% of college students spend 4 years partying, befriending new people, and ****ing with the often end result of a corporate career at which they excel. My experience wasn't like that.
College isn't easy for some subjects. Sure it's a good place to network, but some people are natural autodidacts, find college a complete bore, and drop out. Others graduate with the highest honors. It does set them down different paths, but whether one is better than the other depends on the goal, which is decided entirely by the person going through the motions.

I've never even had roommates. My college campus was close to where I lived, and I come from a quite poor background so I wouldn't have even been able to afford a dorm (I only got into college due to a government grant). The majority of twentysomethings have at least one Friends-esque roommate experience where they live with great people and have fun all the time.
Speaking from experience not having roomies can be a blessing, it again depends largely on what you want. Roomies can cause crazy drama or you might click, it can be such a roll of the dice.

I spent the remainder of my 20s after college frittering around not really achieving anything of note. I drank too much. I tried freelance writing and failed. I started a food blog and it failed. I travelled to and lived abroad, but I was lonely there so my experiences don't count. My days abroad were either spent with my gf (the toxic 9 year relationship) or completely alone.

I was so unhappy and so isolated during those years that I literally feel unique among the world's population in how I squandered that time. I see successful players like Tom Torero killing themselves and I can't help but wonder how I'm still alive. I've slept with 3 women in total and I'm 32...it doesn't get any worse than that.

I guess I'm just reaching out for advice from this community because I don't know where else to turn to.
There is a lot to what you say, and I think everyone and their dog can relate to it. You seem pretty hard on yourself, which is a very powerful quality if you learn to hone it. I can sense you're capable of a lot, but may be bogging yourself down with guilt, unable to accept how much power you have over your life.

You really need to own who you are and how you grew up. Be emotionally accountable for how you feel and accept the past. What you feel is simply feedback and if your life was full of interesting stimuli you'd probably never think about your past or be grateful for it.

You're aware of these regrets, now step back again and ask why these feelings are happening NOW? What is it about your current life that seems unfulfilling? Try something new, something different, reflect again, gauge your feelings, try something new again with that new information. Novelty is the spice of life and will open your mind to the possibilities.

And the main reason people suggest cardio or physical activity is because the pain you subject yourself to will put other problems in perspective. Do you think your regrets will bother you when your body is collapsing from a sprint or big lift? When your muscles are on fire? What you'll be more focused on is getting a burger or taking an ice bath or shower. The pain from presence will temporarily pull you from this rut of self defeat, and over time (if you're consistent) show you how resilient and adaptable you really are.

It's easy to create some negative narrative of the mind and believe it to the point that you identify with it. That's what I sense with you, that you believe a narrative where you don't have the control or power to change your life. Remember that these narratives you tell yourself are imaginary, not reality, they can just as easily be positive. You ultimately decide what has gravity in your mind, the story of the three stone cutters is a powerful example of this.

The important thing is no one can make you do anything or pull you out of any rut you feel you're in. You have to do it, and the first step is believing you can.

And unlike what others have suggusted, I'm a testament to how rich this forum is with wisdom. When I first found SS I ended up reading the entire post history of some users whose writings really resonated with me. Tens of thousands of posts, I read so far back that I began to see the progression of when they had first come to the forum with their own issues, and who resonated with them. I ended up making a list of what I considered valuable users and began reading through all of their post history. By the time I was through only a few users (several thousand more posts) I saw a pattern of principles that became so clear to me that the posts became repetitive; I sensed diminishing returns and moved on to other things. SS has been one of the most profound findings of my life. Welcome, and hopefully you find some value here as well.
 
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