I posted in OYS this week and would like some other perspectives

[The Duke]

I have given her all the tools she needs to succeed and have been trying to lead her in this. She does not do any of it if I'm not there hawking over her.

Imagine being the supervisor of a recalcitrant employee.

EDIT:
when I say "given her all the tools she needs to succeed"...
-I have a $15,000 home gym that she hasn't touched in 9 months, alongside 2 different gym memberships. I have a side gig as a trainer and have made her the better part of a dozen custom training programs, tweaked to her specific liking, and have also paid for training programs written by others for her to follow. She has never completed one.
-I have half a dozen different diet cook books with macro counts and everything - she has never cooked one meal from them.
-I gave her the green light to use a meal prep service. She used it, ate half the meals, then threw away the other $60 of them, and stopped using them. Now she eats nothing but carbs again.
-I've given her an explicit budget to follow and instructed her to let me know if she needs to go off budget before doing so. She regularly goes off budget and leaves it for me to find out.
-I bought a $300 vaccuum (roomba-like) to help keep the floors clean and take vaccuuming off her list of things to do. She can't be bothered to pick sh*t up off the floor to let it run.

I'm going through it at the moment. My wife was there for me when I was a broke nobody and didn't look like this. Now I make 10x my former income and look like this, and my wife is still on level 1 like she was when we married.

She's a SAHM who barely cleans, doesn't cook, puts absolute minimal effort into her looks - if any, diet and excercise are both subpar (she has 10-15lbs to lose), and can't stick to a budget unless I watch over her spending like I would a child with a credit card.
She's loyal (so far as I know) and reasonably respectful, and puts out 80% of the time that I want (just lacking in enthusiasm), and I'd give her a 7-8/10 on being a mother.

I know it isn't fair of me to ask more of her, but I need it. Even if the sex doesn't improve, I need the rest of it to step the hell up.

So you've lead the horse to water and it won't drink. We are all motivated by different things. It sounds like there is a pretty big difference between your wife and you in regards to the importance of money and looks. Its not as important to her as it is to you?
Maybe you guys are no longer a match for each other?

The tool your wife doesn't have to address the things you are concerned about is desire/personal incentive and only she can provide that.

The desire has to come from her. External incentive is about the only thing you can create, and you can use more dread game to do it.

She is way too comfortable in the relationship. Any time a woman gets too comfortable they get fat, lazy, less submissive, stop doing the things they used to do. They feel they no longer have to impress you. A man has a lot of control over her level of comfort. Afterall, they look to us for security. Comfort comes from feeling secure.

I think you need to readdress some expectations going forward. Tell her the list above that you shared here. Let her know she needs to lose some weight, get off her spoiled azz. At this point she has left you with no choice. She needs to understand that your needs aren't getting met and the relationship won't work if this continues. Ask her if she wants to go back to work, and you can hire a maid to do what she isn't doing around the house.

I had to tell my exwife one time after 12yrs of being together that she needed to lose 20lbs. I told her "If I wanted a fat chic, I would have married one to start with." Straight up dihk comment, but it worked.

 

[All_Kindz_Of_Gainz]

So you've lead the horse to water and it won't drink. We are all motivated by different things. It sounds like there is a pretty big difference between your wife and you in regards to the importance of money and looks. Its not as important to her as it is to you?
Maybe you guys are no longer a match for each other?

The tool your wife doesn't have to address the things you are concerned about is desire/personal incentive and only she can provide that.

The desire has to come from her. External incentive is about the only thing you can create, and you can use more dread game to do it.

She is way too comfortable in the relationship. Any time a woman gets too comfortable they get fat, lazy, less submissive, stop doing the things they used to do. They feel they no longer have to impress you. A man has a lot of control over her level of comfort. Afterall, they look to us for security. Comfort comes from feeling secure.

I think you need to readdress some expectations going forward. Tell her the list above that you shared here. Let her know she needs to lose some weight, get off her spoiled azz. At this point she has left you with no choice. She needs to understand that your needs aren't getting met and the relationship won't work if this continues. Ask her if she wants to go back to work, and you can hire a maid to do what she isn't doing around the house.

I had to tell my exwife one time after 12yrs of being together that she needed to lose 20lbs. I told her "If I wanted a fat chic, I would have married one to start with." Straight up dihk comment, but it worked.

I see coming all the victim puking, emotional manipulation, and all the crying of "you only want me for my body, you don't appreciate other things I do for you, you just want me to fvck, you don't find me attractive and I don't wanna fvck no more, you just want a model and I'm not a model, go find your model somewhere" But that's the right thing to do, telling her.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I had to tell my exwife one time after 12yrs of being together that she needed to lose 20lbs. I told her "If I wanted a fat chic, I would have married one to start with." Straight up dihk comment, but it worked.

I think you can only make those kind of statements if you haven't deteriorated in those same 12 years. That's also why you should take care of yourself, so you stay attractive.

 

[Money & Muscle]

It sounds like there is a pretty big difference between your wife and you in regards to the importance of money and looks. Its not as important to her as it is to you?

This is very accurate. I've changed a lot since we first got married.

Maybe you guys are no longer a match for each other?

Possibly. I genuinely hope not, but I think this is becoming the case - I just hope I'm wrong.

External incentive is about the only thing you can create, and you can use more dread game to do it.

I did this a lot the past few days, and will continue to do so. I've been doing this for months (or years, depending perspective), I just hit a different point of DGAF this last week where it's gone up a lot.

My wife said she has set up her schedule to allow her time to go to the gym 3-4 times a week, and she has things ready to get the house in order. I hadn't even made my intentions/demands known and she's done this... I'll take this as a good sign.

 

[Money & Muscle]

I see coming all the victim puking, emotional manipulation, and all the crying of "you only want me for my body, you don't appreciate other things I do for you, you just want me to fvck, you don't find me attractive and I don't wanna fvck no more, you just want a model and I'm not a model, go find your model somewhere" But that's the right thing to do, telling her.

I expected this too, but didn't have to bring it up.

The last argument we got in, she said "you might as well go find it [pvssy] somewhere else."
I was a gentleman and let the silence get louder for about 15 seconds after she said it, then I said "I'm going to give you a chance to retract that comment."

She did.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

My wife said she has set up her schedule to allow her time to go to the gym 3-4 times a week, and she has things ready to get the house in order. I hadn't even made my intentions/demands known and she's done this... I'll take this as a good sign.

That is a good sign.

 

[The Duke]

One thing to keep in mind, it's far more painful to divorce and break a family up than it is to upset the status quo in an attempt to make this deal work. Have those difficult conversations, don't be afraid to tell her things she needs to hear, turn the heat up, but be patient.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

The ideal outcome is having your cake and eating it too! A marriage of convenience can work. You keep her happy and loved and you get to have your fun.

It will never work long-term. You'll end up in a gray zone for a while and then it will basically fall apart.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

probably not, but I think if I really pushed it that she would let me. She wouldn't be able to find someone who can hold a candle to me if she were single. Just being honest.
That's not my ideal outcome though.

You'd be surprised I think that she could get far more than you think with far less effort than you would believe.

The base dude now is a SIMP that will bend over backwards and plenty of them are wealthy.

 

[Money & Muscle]

Have those difficult conversations, don't be afraid to tell her things she needs to hear, turn the heat up, but be patient.

This will always be the hardest part for me.

Thank you for the sage advice