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I am at rock-bottom

Stavrogin

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I was wondering if anyone here has ever been in this situation and how they escaped it.

I'm in my late twenties and haven't had any friends since I was a teenager. I have never had more than one or two friends at a time or for very long. "Aquaintance" might be a better word; I have never had what you could call a close friend. I spent most of my high school years and all of my college years alone because that's what I was used to; I just never had the desire to meet people. I was fine with being alone because that's what I grew up seeing. My father has no friends or relatives, never gets phone calls, and spends the weekends sleeping. My mother is not quite as bad.

Now that I want to make friends and have a normal life, I'm reaping what I sowed. I feel like I've dug myself a hole too deep to climb out of. I simply am not meeting or making friends with anyone. I have tried and failed to make friends with co-workers. I'm positive people think I'm a loser because I am always alone. When I tell people I went somewhere by myself, they look at me like I'm pathetic or even tell me how sad that is. I'm sure I'm not doing anything wrong to make people dislike me. Maybe I just don't have anything in common with anyone. I think people are afraid to be seen with someone who they think will harm their image. People always seem to have an excuse not to hang out.

I'm clueless about what to do next. This loneliness is killing me. I find myself in a catch-22: I cannot make friends without first having friends. I must be be the only person on the planet who dreads the weekend and can't wait for Monday. I haven't left the house the last couple of weekends because I get depressed and angry, especially when I see people my age with their friends or families, and I see what I'm missing out on. I am worried that time is running out to meet people because people at my age are often in relationships or just starting to settle down and have kids. People also seem to be less interested in making new friends as they get older, though that might be a misobservation.

I am very worried. I can't even afford to move out of my parents' house. I feel like I've been left behind and will never have any of the things others have in life. I don't even remember what question I was supposed to ask at the end of this post.

I write this post because someone else here had responded to my post about my virginity and never having been on a date by saying that I should be more concerned about not having any friends at my age.
 

Bible_Belt

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What are your hobbies or interests? Friendships start with common ground. Find people who like to do whatever it is that you like to do.
 

damw

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sign up on myspace and meet some people over there
 

legolas

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Dude stocp killing yourself mentally over this!

1. No matter how deep a hole you percieve to have dug yourself, you can always stop digging and get out, because the "depth" of the whole is in your head.

2. Stop telling people you go somewhere by yourself!! People don't usually ask who you went with so don't mention it. If they do, tell them you met someone there, who the f*ck cares if you lie in the beginning.

3. The key to finding a good close firend is to find someone who is similar to you and is in similar circumstances. Yeah it sucks at times because neither of you would have any other friends to hang out with, but at least you can alaways hang out together and you can truly say I hung out with my buddy.

4. I made more friends in grad school (MBA) than I ever made in undergrad. I'm not telling you to go back to school to make friends, but you surely can. If you do go back, JOIN A STUDENT CLUB!!!
 

poohead

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Stavrogin said:
I was wondering if anyone here has ever been in this situation and how they escaped it.

I'm in my late twenties and haven't had any friends since I was a teenager. I have never had more than one or two friends at a time or for very long. "Aquaintance" might be a better word; I have never had what you could call a close friend. I spent most of my high school years and all of my college years alone because that's what I was used to; I just never had the desire to meet people. I was fine with being alone because that's what I grew up seeing. My father has no friends or relatives, never gets phone calls, and spends the weekends sleeping. My mother is not quite as bad.

Now that I want to make friends and have a normal life, I'm reaping what I sowed. I feel like I've dug myself a hole too deep to climb out of. I simply am not meeting or making friends with anyone. I have tried and failed to make friends with co-workers. I'm positive people think I'm a loser because I am always alone. When I tell people I went somewhere by myself, they look at me like I'm pathetic or even tell me how sad that is. I'm sure I'm not doing anything wrong to make people dislike me. Maybe I just don't have anything in common with anyone. I think people are afraid to be seen with someone who they think will harm their image. People always seem to have an excuse not to hang out.

I'm clueless about what to do next. This loneliness is killing me. I find myself in a catch-22: I cannot make friends without first having friends. I must be be the only person on the planet who dreads the weekend and can't wait for Monday. I haven't left the house the last couple of weekends because I get depressed and angry, especially when I see people my age with their friends or families, and I see what I'm missing out on. I am worried that time is running out to meet people because people at my age are often in relationships or just starting to settle down and have kids. People also seem to be less interested in making new friends as they get older, though that might be a misobservation.

I am very worried. I can't even afford to move out of my parents' house. I feel like I've been left behind and will never have any of the things others have in life. I don't even remember what question I was supposed to ask at the end of this post.

I write this post because someone else here had responded to my post about my virginity and never having been on a date by saying that I should be more concerned about not having any friends at my age.
don't worry about the girls right now. focus on you, and doing things like figuring out what you want out of life, how to get out of your parent's house, developing your career and your interests. make your life busy and fulfilling. women will naturally follow, but right now just concentrate on making yourself alright with you.
 

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lordson

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well we need to know a bit more about you to see how much of a hole you really are in

so descirbe yoruself to us, how tall are you, attractivenss level, how funny/entertaining are you

how come you couldn't make firneds in high school? its not that hard, talk to people in class, play soccer with people, make them feel that you are good company

and with approaching girls, just suck it up. get over yoruself, clear your mind, and just do it.

i know its hard, its very bloody hard, but you just gotta do it

if you see an oppotunity, you should take it, a girl giving you good eye contact a few times, go up to her, say "Hi there, whats your name" "i'm ..." and take it from there. im no expert but thats a plan.

and an important thing is, get the hell off the internet, you don't need the internet. the internet is a waste of time

think more about having a social life. social. socialise. thats important and what you should do.

suck it up. take it like a man. and just godddamn do it.
 

KarmaSutra

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damw said:
sign up on myspace and meet some people over there

WRONG.

Do not listen to this fool. MySpace is crap. How about killing the defeatist mindset and getting out there? The more you sit and feel like ass the more life will slip by.
 

AgonyUncle

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This is going to sound extreme.

Pack your bags, and see the world. Im serious dude. Go get a job on a cruise ship, or go work in pubs and hotels in Europe. ANYTHING. Get away from the bubble you have created for yourself. Go get a job in AUS as a tour guide in the outback. Hell, there are a million things you can do. Save a bit of money, buy a plane ticket, and supplement your income with work as your travel.

The only thing holding you back in life is fear. If you leave EVERYTHING behind, you will be forced to make friends to get by. You will also be in an enviroment where people are more open to meeting others. This will do wonders for your confidence, and give you a bit of life experience.

What it will do more then anything else is make you understand that you have a place in the world. You dont need to find friends mate. You need to find yourself.
 

Stavrogin

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Thank you all. Can you name some activities I could realistically do? I currently don't have enough money to go very far or for very long.
 

ElChoclo

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Stavrogin, you were at rock bottom in January, now you're still at rock bottom. You got some advice back then, what have you been doing with it for the last 4 months?

We're all your online friends, you can tell us. Don't deprive us of the sordid details.
 

TheDarkSaint

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You might try church. I don't know if you are a spiritual guy and I'm not advocating you go find Jesus and whack people on the head with a bible, but churches are social organizations that are full of very outgoing people. Most are very happy to have newcomers and can be a great place to network.

You're going to have to force yourself into situations where you socialize with people. Try being a Big Brother. The kid usualy needs somoene to look up to and you won't feel very uncomfortable since he/she is younger. You can use that kid as a reason to get out and go places.

Sometimes the best self esteem booster is when you help someone. Volunteer in a soup kitchen or on a house building project like Habitat for Humanity.
 

Desdinova

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You're a social retard. There's nothing wrong with going places by yourself if you can easily interact with people.

How about trying to land a job (either full or part time) which requires a lot of social interaction. You need to learn to communicate with people before you can make friends.
 

legolas

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Oh yeah that's a good idea by Desdinova. I worked in retail sales before even half-commission and it was the best job I've had in terms of communicating with people and coworkers
 

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disciple

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Not to sound like a cheap psychologist, but it sounds like you have some deep psychological or emotional issues that make it hard for you to connect to others or for others to connect to you.

I don't know your history but you mentioned that your father doesn't have any friends. Do you know why that is or have you ever given it serious thought?

Maybe you have patterned yourself after him subconsciously.

Maybe your father was betrayed by someone close to him once and now doesn't trust anyone enough to be close to him again.

As for friends and acquaintances, don't feel too bad about not having a "real" friend.

First of all, my mother told me (wise woman that she is) that in this world you are lucky if you make 2 true friends in life.

Man, you could the most popular guy around and still about 99% of the people you think are your friends are just acquaintances, associates, hang-out buddies, people you network with, people you know from here or there, etc.

No matter how many friends you think you have, you never really know who is your true friend until you are in a position where only a true friend would still be there to support you.

So even if you go out and make a "friend", unless that friend is tested by adversity and proves their true worth, then you'll never know if they were really your friend, no matter how cool they may seem.

That being said, it is still healthy to have people in your life and living a lonely life is a sad existence.

My best suggestion to you is to explore deep within and learn more about yourself and I'm sure you will figure out why you had no interest in others for so long and preferred to be alone.

Look at your father for clues also.

This will help you to make the changes in your attitude or outlook on life and people and help you to grow as a person.

After your period of self-evaluation, make a list of all of your positive traits and look for ways to increase them.

Look at your negative traits or habits and look for ways to decrease them.

Then make a list of the things that interest you, it could be anything like sports, cars, exercise, computers, it doesn't matter. I guaranteee you that no matter what interests you there are other people who share the same passion.

Then look for places, events, clubs, or organizations that involve what your interested in and look to participate JUST FOR FUN and ENJOYMENT, not just to look for friends.

Most friendships or associations begin in a spontaneous, unplanned way so just learn to have casual conversations with people based on common interests and don't push or rush anything.

I hope this helps you and if you have severe difficulty in exploring the cause of your alienation from the rest of humanity, I would advise that you then seek a counselor or some kind of professional that can help you work out these issues.

Also, don't worry about women.

Just get your life in order and you'll find that your love life will follow suit.
 

KeepItDark

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Stavrogin I can relate to your post. Do you keep a journal? You might try doing a combination of soul searching and brainstorming with one. It won't solve all your problems but it does help.

The more things you have going on in your life the happier you will be. Set up a list of things to do or a a list of things to try. Prioritize this list and set little goals for yourself.

Consider some of these things:

Exercise program. Anything from using dumbbells by yourself or joining a gym
Find a sport...martial arts are fantastic..but shop around
Get a pet....dogs are a great way to meet women
Find a church...from Bible thumping Baptists to open minded Universalist Unitarians..there are seveal choices
Charity.. as said before on here..Big Brother, Humane Society, Homeless, etc.
Work a second job if you have to...find one with perks...like interacting with women
Take a trip....rent a car if you have to..or take a plane trip
Sell stuff on Ebay.....go out to fleamarkets to find stuff to sell
Get a new look...experiment with a new haircut, facial hair, get a tan, trendy clothes, etc.
Keep up with your DJ research. Write down your interactions with women and what you've learned.

I'm sure you can add to the list. There is no simple solution. It's not a simple problem. But it can be fun in trying to solve if you keep a positive attitude. Try to avoid kicking yourself and being around negative people.

Keep us posted on here how things are going.
 

DanelMadr

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Lone wolf allright.
All great strong man are portrayed as lone wolves.

Are you shy?
Or are you only playing the shy one, because you think you could offend someone?
Do you want to be on good terms with everyone?
Get rid of this attitude. Dont be rude just fvck what people think about you. You know you are different and you are becoming paranoid, what will people think about you? Nobody gives a sh1t, believe me ;)

Real friends are rare. Good people are picky....you have to choose friends with similar moral standarts....there is not much of them.

Socialize. Go to clubs. Have some fun. Talk with people. Travel abroad. Get rid of your shyness. Dont be nervous. Take some self-defence classes. Learn some stuff about women in here, that will boost your confidence.

Youll be alright.
 

TheTrader

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focus on improving your appearance

if you have good clothes, tanned skin, good haircut, athletic body and you say the same words again "i went to XXX by MYSELF" instead of thinking that you are a loser they will invite you to hang out with them.
 

Burningblue

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Stavrogin said:
I just never had the desire to meet people.
Is this really true? I doubt it.

Stavrogin said:
I'm positive people think I'm a loser because I am always alone. When I tell people I went somewhere by myself, they look at me like I'm pathetic
This sounds like some serious distorted thinking to me. Your life lense is a little out of focus and it is causing you to engage in a self fulfilling prophecy. Start looking at the awful things you are percieving about yourself and put those things on trial to see if they are really true. I can pretty much guarantee you they are not.

Stavrogin said:
I think people are afraid to be seen with someone who they think will harm their image. People always seem to have an excuse not to hang out.
More distorted thinking.

Stavrogin said:
I cannot make friends without first having friends
NOT TRUE

Stavrogin said:
I must be be the only person on the planet who dreads the weekend and can't wait for Monday..
You're not the only person on the planet who is scared of social situations.


Stavrogin said:
I am very worried. I can't even afford to move out of my parents' house
Dude, this is America (I'm assuming). You have the power to change your situation. So, get off the internet and go change it. Go back to school. Education is everything.
You have two choices. You can stare at your computer screen and feel sorry for yourself...or you can go change your life. Feeling sorry for yourself is easier but it also guarantees your misery.
In you I see shades of myself before I joined the military. Find something that you don't believe you can do and then go do it. Find a worthy cause and be a part of it. Take your greatest fear and face it down until you can laugh in its face. Getty up. You've got work to do.
 
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