How to implement boundaries effectively

Danger

Master Don Juan
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#1
A lot has been spoken of recently regarding boundaries. I posted here on why you want to place the boundaries and pointing out how they will allow for proper screening of women based on whether they value you, or merely value male attention.

Naturally, there are people who misinterpret the methodology of placing boundaries. The common belief among those who do not yet have much experience with women is that boundaries are placed by saying "THIS IS HOW IT IS, I AM THE MAN'. There was a time in my life when I was younger that I would have thought the same way. But there is a right time, place and manner for everything. Setting boundaries is no doubt included in this concept.

The best time to place boundaries is not when a woman is about to embark on something disrespectful to the relationship. Just as the best time to put on a seat-belt is not right before a car slams into you. Additionally the best time to change your oil is not after the engine has seized up.

So when do you set the boundaries? In the period of time where you know she is falling for you but you have not had any discussion yet on whether you are exclusive.

Why? Because you are not under any pressure to set boundaries, and it gives her the ability to weigh the value you bring, and the price you require for giving that value to her. You don't set boundaries after exclusivity has started anymore than you haggle on price after you have already signed a contract promising to buy a product. You must only set post-exclusive boundaries very sparingly.

So we have established WHEN to set boundaries.....but, the question remains, how exactly DO you set the boundaries. You do it through examples. For my current girlfriend, here is a perfect case for setting the boundaries prior to exclusivity.

Her: I can't believe your friend Matt is not getting sex from his girlfriend that much. Not even on his birthday.
Danger: I know, I told him before to just dump her.
Her: Oh, are there other problems?
Danger: I don't know, but I have dumped gf's before for not having sex. If I want sex then I either get it at home or I go out and get it.
Now, I didn't tell her she couldn't deny me sex. But I did convey what I will do if ever she did deny me. Never, ever have I had a girl deny me sex after a conversation like this and this was before they pushed for commitment.

Another one....

Danger: Men and women can't be friends, because one always wants to fvk the other.
Her: That's not true, some men are just friends. I would never sleep with any male friends.
Danger: And they would totally fvk you though.
Her: Sure they would but I don't care, I wouldn't touch them. Don't you trust me?
Danger: Sure I do, I'm going to hang out with some hookers tonight though.
Her: WHAT?!??
Danger:Don't you trust me? They are just friends.

She completely saw my point with the above and we never had an issue with it. In fact she brought up the point that it's also sketchy for those in relationships to take separate vacations, which I totally agree with. However she now knew the price of getting a commitment from me. I laid out the value I place on my sacrificing my other sexual opportunities for her. Let her choose whether or not to make the purchase. You are the seller of your commitment and she is the buyer.

Similar conversations can occur around other boundaries whether it is about vacations without the other, specific poor behavior actions, etc,....

The bottom line is that men need to set boundaries and not be afraid that they "may lose her" as a result. Have confidence in your value because if you won't value yourself, she certainly never will.
 
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Greasy Pig

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#2
Great post. And I have to say, ever since I've starting using your "Not from you" line, my GF has stopped the age old: "If you do that, you won't get any for a week" bullsht.
 

speed dawg

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#3
It all comes back to living by principle. You have to know what you want and what you care about before they ever come into the picture.
 

Colossus

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#4
Good post and I agree.

I mentioned in that other thread about "guy friends" that I have direct, written boundaries with my girl. This works for her. There are other boundaries that are implied, not spoken, like your examples above.

Having had experience with a number of difficult women, I've learned a lot about setting boundaries. It's kind of an art form. The biggest thing with boundaries, besides your choice in women, is your intention behind them. Don't ever set a hollow boundary. If you are not 100% unafraid to walk away from the girl is she violates a boundary of yours, you are not in a position of power.

The other key aspect is timing, like you said. Timing and delivery. Some girls will not respond well to the direct approach, and they need it to be implied or see a real-life example. You can tell them you'll leave if she does X till you are blue in the face, but she may need to experience that sting to get it.
 

SgtSplacker

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#5
Great post man. And the timing is absolutely critical. When a woman sees you are setting boundaries like this it forces her to respect you by her knowing it's not gonna be a free for all. When you set the lines early she understands that she can be replaced just by crossing the wrong lines with you. This is a huge NEG to them and a considerable DHV to you. If not she may go around thinking you are some kind of push over.

Your examples happen in every relationship. I honestly have to say I have had those conversations with every woman I have dated ever. It's almost like their scale of decency is reset with every man they meet. Definitely insightful on female mentality.

After a couple of these conversations I will see the relationship change to something more serious. Some of the S-testing stops.
 

samspade

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#6
Well said. I would only add the reason why men don't do this. If you're thinking about transitioning to exclusive, it means you see value in the woman and want to keep her around. This can flip a switch in the mind, suddenly you go from "I'd like to keep her around" to "I don't want to lose her." This is SIMULTANEOUSLY when women will run some more critical shyt tests especially if they are thinking the same things. Funny isn't it...men start thinking about positives at this juncture and looking past minor flaws, while women are programmed to find negatives. Anyway the woman assumes you want her pu$$y on lockdown and looks for ways to leverage it. Only by making clear you can take it or leave it and by leveraging your commitment do you show her who's boss.
 

zekko

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#7
samspade said:
Funny isn't it...men start thinking about positives at this juncture and looking past minor flaws, while women are programmed to find negatives. Anyway the woman assumes you want her pu$$y on lockdown and looks for ways to leverage it. Only by making clear you can take it or leave it and by leveraging your commitment do you show her who's boss.
That's one reason why Danger says to bring it up prior to being exclusive though, especially if she is pushing for exclusivity. I agree that's an effective time to lay down the boundaries. I usually frame it along these lines:
"For a girl to be girlfriend, she has to be blah, blah, blah", or
"I have no interest in having a girlfriend who does whatever". That sort of thing. You're letting her know what standards you have and what the qualifications are for the job. Needless to say, if she can't meet those qualifications, she won't get the position.
 

dasein

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#8
Great post, funny examples. Guys, especially young and less experienced, learn from my early mistakes. Don't be quick to give up all your time merely because a new woman sleeps with you. Don't do the "whole weekend see each other 4 times a week" thing. Keep dating for awhile, preferably weeknights, at the start, for at least 5-10 dates. Have a life where you simply can't drop everything for a new woman. Do these things and early boundary issues don't come up as much.

Do use their exclusivity noises as a time to get some things out on the table, namely that if that's what they -really- want, and more importantly what you want... not just wanting to make them happy, it doesn't just mean you each become accessories onto each others' preexisting lives and nothing else changes, especially behavior. Get the "false male hoverer friends" issue out at the start. Get the "things that we do and don't do when the other isn't around" out at the start. Get the "wild divorced friends wanting dressed-up clubbing girls' nights out" issue out there at the start. Get the "easing into meeting family and friends and social media expectations" out there at the start. Get it all out there then, one of the few times you can safely talk about "the relationship" is when they are asking for more. Zip lip otherwise. If they balk at these and other issues custom to your situation, "let's just keep having the fun we have been having then without restrictions, that would be great wouldn't it?"

Get the ball rolling when they start with the "what are we?" by forcing them to be declarative, "what -exactly- do you want us to be?" If "exclusive," "what -exactly- does that mean to you?" Listen without interjection or comment, then introduce your issues as "well here's what being exclusive means to me." Often, if you do it right, you will find the boundaries become communicated without the exclusivity actually being hammered out specifically. "Well if keeping those kinds of male friends is important to you, think on it and let's talk about it a little down the road." "Down the road" is your nice way of saying, "that sh-t doesn't cut it, that dog won't hunt" without being confrontational or overly dramatic. The proper attitude is, "well if it's time, that's fine, but only as negotiated, if it's not time, it's not time." An exclusive relationship should never be some default mode you "fall into," but rather something that is considered very carefully.

I can't count how many women I've dated who thought exclusivity applied to me, but they can still rationalize all their own behavior including sometimes even keeping FWBs, or at least in frequent contact with exes and hoverers. To a man this sounds ridiculous, but female logic? especially the truly hot ones? remember they have ultimate powers of rationalization and a network including GFs, family and all those hoverer dudes, also media bombardment that tells them everything they do is right and good, and any and all reasonable restrictions on their behavior are "controlling" or even "patriarchal."
 
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