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How hard is to take your wife on dates?

Pedrito0906

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Hello all,

I have a bunch of married guy friends who have kids or without them, and they never date their wives. Never take them to anything fun, all they do is working, in their homes and they don't even work out to have an attractive body.

I'm organizing for all of us to go to see a comedy show in Spanish which is hilarious, but they don't wanna go, there is always an excuse. They have kids, and have hired babysitters in the past, so I ask how hard is to hire a babysitter for 2 hours this time, get together with a group of couples, watch a comedy show and have a good time among friends.

Its like they get married with or without kids and the fun guys they were once, disappear. Like Corey Wayne says, they never have time to date their wives, but always make time for divorce attorneys.

I'd like to know your experiences after getting married, or if you have a clue why guys change.
 

Barrister

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Having been married, I can tell you there a lot of dynamics that go into this - especially once kids are introduced. I know a lot guys, even guys on SS, like to dog married men for refusing to ever do anything fun with the boys, but I can say that it can be difficult juggling a wife and kid(s) in these kind of situations.

I typically always tried to at least once a week, once every 2 weeks minimum, go out with my friends. And I think that is a good thing not only for yourself but for your marriage.

As far as blaming men for not "dating" their wives, that is very presumptuous to assume it is the man's fault. I can say in my previous marriage, my ex-wife got to a point where she never wanted to do anything after work, especially if it involved finding a sitter for our child. Just flat out said she did not have the energy and had no desire to go out on a date. Didn't matter if I arranged with someone independently to have our child watched for the evening, she would just tell me she didn't feel like going out. And this was when things were not "bad" in our relationship. It only got worse as our marriage got worse.

My point is, a lot of times dating your wife is out of your control.
 

Pedrito0906

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Having been married, I can tell you there a lot of dynamics that go into this - especially once kids are introduced. I know a lot guys, even guys on SS, like to dog married men for refusing to ever do anything fun with the boys, but I can say that it can be difficult juggling a wife and kid(s) in these kind of situations.

I typically always tried to at least once a week, once every 2 weeks minimum, go out with my friends. And I think that is a good thing not only for yourself but for your marriage.

As far as blaming men for not "dating" their wives, that is very presumptuous to assume it is the man's fault. I can say in my previous marriage, my ex-wife got to a point where she never wanted to do anything after work, especially if it involved finding a sitter for our child. Just flat out said she did not have the energy and had no desire to go out on a date. Didn't matter if I arranged with someone independently to have our child watched for the evening, she would just tell me she didn't feel like going out. And this was when things were not "bad" in our relationship. It only got worse as our marriage got worse.

My point is, a lot of times dating your wife is out of your control.
Idk man, but it looks to me, a guy with a strong frame since the beginning, and who's leading the marriage, the woman will always want to follow his leadership.

If you were a fun guy before even when she was working the same hours when she was before even with low energy of she has a genuine desire she would want to do stuff with you.

It looks to me you went beta, she lost respect and didn't wanna do anything with you like the majority of marriages, I'm assuming she didn't want to have sex also during the process, why did you get divorced?

Also that excuse of "having no energy to do anything after work" sounds like the one "I have a headache" to not have sex. I mean she didn't have a day off during the week? Come on a 30 something woman with no energy after work???
 
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Barrister

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Idk man, but it looks to me, a guy with a strong frame since the beginning, and who's leading the marriage, the woman will always want to follow his leadership.

If you were a fun guy before even when she was working the same hours when she was before even with low energy of she has a genuine desire she would want to do stuff with you.

It looks to me you went beta, she lost respect and didn't wanna do anything with you like the majority of marriages, I'm assuming she didn't want to have sex also during the process, why did you get divorced?

Also that excuse of "having no energy to do anything after work" sounds like the one "I have a headache" to not have sex. I mean she didn't have a day off during the week? Come on a 30 something woman with no energy after work???
Admittedly, I was fairly blue pill back in my married days from the standpoint that I did not understand women's nature all that well and did not understand how they ticked, and thought if I did nice things and did things my wife liked/wanted that she would be happy. However, I will say that I still "led" in the relationship. She followed me for my job, and most major decisions were made by me. I also pretty much did what I wanted when I wanted to. That didn't stop the aforementioned behavior. And believe it or not, the sex was actually pretty regular -- that was never a problem.

I don't mean this as an insult, but this is the exact type of thing I was referencing with my original post. I think it is easy to take this stance if you have never been married/or in a very long term LTR (4+ years I would say). I think it is easy to say "well if you always maintain frame/you don't go beta your wife will always want sex every day and want to go out and party all the time and will respect and revere you." It simply isn't reality and is a gross oversimplification of how a relationship works over a long period of time. That isn't to say you shouldn't do those things - but a relationship going sour and/or stale is a lot of times out of your control, especially once kids enter the picture. And it is why a lot of guys on here will actually tell you to never get hitched at all and exit any type of LTR at the first sign of the inevitable fading occurring. I am not necessarily that extreme -- but I can definitely understand the logic behind it.
 

Pedrito0906

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W
Admittedly, I was fairly blue pill back in my married days from the standpoint that I did not understand women's nature all that well and did not understand how they ticked, and thought if I did nice things and did things my wife liked/wanted that she would be happy. However, I will say that I still "led" in the relationship. She followed me for my job, and most major decisions were made by me. I also pretty much did what I wanted when I wanted to. That didn't stop the aforementioned behavior. And believe it or not, the sex was actually pretty regular -- that was never a problem.

I don't mean this as an insult, but this is the exact type of thing I was referencing with my original post. I think it is easy to take this stance if you have never been married/or in a very long term LTR (4+ years I would say). I think it is easy to say "well if you always maintain frame/you don't go beta your wife will always want sex every day and want to go out and party all the time and will respect and revere you." It simply isn't reality and is a gross oversimplification of how a relationship works over a long period of time. That isn't to say you shouldn't do those things - but a relationship going sour and/or stale is a lot of times out of your control, especially once kids enter the picture. And it is why a lot of guys on here will actually tell you to never get hitched at all and exit any type of LTR at the first sign of the inevitable fading occurring. I am not necessarily that extreme -- but I can definitely understand the logic behind it.
What would you have done differently now that you know what you know?
 

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LARaiders85

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As far as blaming men for not "dating" their wives, that is very presumptuous to assume it is the man's fault. I can say in my previous marriage, my ex-wife got to a point where she never wanted to do anything after work, especially if it involved finding a sitter for our child. Just flat out said she did not have the energy and had no desire to go out on a date. Didn't matter if I arranged with someone independently to have our child watched for the evening, she would just tell me she didn't feel like going out. And this was when things were not "bad" in our relationship. It only got worse as our marriage got worse.
I've had girlfriends sabotage this way.
 

Pierce.Manhammer

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When I was single in my late 20’s and early 30’s the landscape with my male friends and their new wives changed.

Its because you are deemed a wild card as a single unattached male, a potential wife-fracker.

You’re deemed an unacceptable risk, it’s never spoken of openly, but it’s true.
 

Epimanes

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Admittedly, I was fairly blue pill back in my married days from the standpoint that I did not understand women's nature all that well and did not understand how they ticked, and thought if I did nice things and did things my wife liked/wanted that she would be happy. However, I will say that I still "led" in the relationship. She followed me for my job, and most major decisions were made by me. I also pretty much did what I wanted when I wanted to. That didn't stop the aforementioned behavior. And believe it or not, the sex was actually pretty regular -- that was never a problem.

I don't mean this as an insult, but this is the exact type of thing I was referencing with my original post. I think it is easy to take this stance if you have never been married/or in a very long term LTR (4+ years I would say). I think it is easy to say "well if you always maintain frame/you don't go beta your wife will always want sex every day and want to go out and party all the time and will respect and revere you." It simply isn't reality and is a gross oversimplification of how a relationship works over a long period of time. That isn't to say you shouldn't do those things - but a relationship going sour and/or stale is a lot of times out of your control, especially once kids enter the picture. And it is why a lot of guys on here will actually tell you to never get hitched at all and exit any type of LTR at the first sign of the inevitable fading occurring. I am not necessarily that extreme -- but I can definitely understand the logic behind it.
Bang on man...
 

SW15

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I have a bunch of married guy friends who have kids or without them, and they never date their wives. Never take them to anything fun, all they do is working, in their homes and they don't even work out to have an attractive body.
it is why a lot of guys on here will actually tell you to never get hitched at all and exit any type of LTR at the first sign of the inevitable fading occurring. I am not necessarily that extreme -- but I can definitely understand the logic behind it.
This is related to my idea that romantic relationships have a shelf life of goodness of about 5 years. Boredom and monotony set in after that.

I know a lot guys, even guys on SS, like to dog married men for refusing to ever do anything fun with the boys, but I can say that it can be difficult juggling a wife and kid(s) in these kind of situations.
I am one of those guys. Married men are terrible at keeping friendships, especially with unattached or marginally attached men. Married men have a better chance of being friends with a non-married man in a longer term relationship that appears reasonably stable.

I don't see most of my married friends now that often. Part of it is logistics. The married men have all moved to the far out suburbs while I'm in the core of the city. It's not easy to get together with traffic and stuff. I have weekend time available. Married men spend their weekends going to Home Depot or Bed Bath and Beyond. They are dealing with the dogs and the wife. Compound the problem if they have children. There's now a mix of married men with children and married men without children among my local area friends.

When I was single in my late 20’s and early 30’s the landscape with my male friends and their new wives changed.

Its because you are deemed a wild card as a single unattached male, a potential wife-fracker.

You’re deemed an unacceptable risk, it’s never spoken of openly, but it’s true.
It's never spoken of openly. It's also partly why I don't see a lot of my married man friends.
 

Barrister

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This is related to my idea that romantic relationships have a shelf life of goodness of about 5 years. Boredom and monotony set in after that.



I am one of those guys. Married men are terrible at keeping friendships, especially with unattached or marginally attached men. Married men have a better chance of being friends with a non-married man in a longer term relationship that appears reasonably stable.

I don't see most of my married friends now that often. Part of it is logistics. The married men have all moved to the far out suburbs while I'm in the core of the city. It's not easy to get together with traffic and stuff. I have weekend time available. Married men spend their weekends going to Home Depot or Bed Bath and Beyond. They are dealing with the dogs and the wife. Compound the problem if they have children. There's now a mix of married men with children and married men without children among my local area friends.
I would agree that I think the vast majority of relationships have a sort of cap of "goodness" as you put it simply because most people are not going to have enough chemistry to maintain the relationship going into a more mature phase that both of them still find fulfilling. I think it usually starts because the woman is not "happy anymore" with certain aspects of the relationship (ostensibly she claims it is because the man changed; in reality it is because she is bored or being selfish) and starts telling the man what needs to change. The man attempts to comply, and it is better for a bit, but slowly the woman is again unhappy, and frustration and resentment on the man's side sets in and it is basically Game Over at that point as far the relationship remaining happy. They either stay unhappily together/married or they break up.

As far as the married men are bad at keeping friendships going -- I can certainly understand the perspective. I can also tell you that it is very difficult keeping up with your single pals when you are married socially. Single men have zero obligations -- married men have at least their wife which is enough by itself, but throw in a home and kids to take care of and it is basically a second full time job. There just isn't time. So while I agree that can be difficult to maintain, having some perspective for what they deal with is also important.
 

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Roober

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Why are they losers?
"they never date their wives. Never take them to anything fun, all they do is working, in their homes and they don't even work out to have an attractive body."

They probably wait for the annual *******s, subscribe to Onlyfans, and are fat slobs... Losers!

Women are beautiful, and should be treated as such. I am speaking of "good" women and treating well within reason, obviously.
 

Pandora

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Idk man, but it looks to me, a guy with a strong frame since the beginning, and who's leading the marriage, the woman will always want to follow his leadership.

If you were a fun guy before even when she was working the same hours when she was before even with low energy of she has a genuine desire she would want to do stuff with you.

It looks to me you went beta, she lost respect and didn't wanna do anything with you like the majority of marriages, I'm assuming she didn't want to have sex also during the process, why did you get divorced?

Also that excuse of "having no energy to do anything after work" sounds like the one "I have a headache" to not have sex. I mean she didn't have a day off during the week? Come on a 30 something woman with no energy after work???
I see your point but i think you are being a little unfair to the married guys. Us single guys have no idea how difficult a marriage is. You cant keep frame forever in a marriage. The woman will inevitably become unwilling to follow you.
 

SW15

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You cant keep frame forever in a marriage.
Iron Rule of Tomassi #1 - Frame is everything.

I would agree that I think the vast majority of relationships have a sort of cap of "goodness" as you put it simply because most people are not going to have enough chemistry to maintain the relationship going into a more mature phase that both of them still find fulfilling. I think it usually starts because the woman is not "happy anymore" with certain aspects of the relationship (ostensibly she claims it is because the man changed; in reality it is because she is bored or being selfish) and starts telling the man what needs to change. The man attempts to comply, and it is better for a bit, but slowly the woman is again unhappy, and frustration and resentment on the man's side sets in and it is basically Game Over at that point as far the relationship remaining happy. They either stay unhappily together/married or they break up.
Generations ago, women tolerated the boredom element of LTRs/marriages better than in the recent generations. Bored wives started creating problems and exiting marriages in the Silent Generation (the first no fault divorces in the 1970s were pre-Boomers as a lot of Boomers weren't old enough to get married yet). The Baby Boomer generation was the first large generation to adopt divorce. In the post-Baby Boomer generations, each of the successive generations have gotten worse about tolerating boredom. Millennials in a lot of ways make the Silent and Boomer women look good in terms of attitudes.

As far as the married men are bad at keeping friendships going -- I can certainly understand the perspective. I can also tell you that it is very difficult keeping up with your single pals when you are married socially. Single men have zero obligations -- married men have at least their wife which is enough by itself, but throw in a home and kids to take care of and it is basically a second full time job. There just isn't time. So while I agree that can be difficult to maintain, having some perspective for what they deal with is also important.
I never understood why married men get a free pass with starving their friendships with non-married men.

As compared to the unattached, non-married man, the married man has a source of vagina available 24/7. An unattached man without a rotation has to make effort to get his penis wet. In theory, the married man doesn't have to make thatt effort, so it would free up some time. The real life practice doesn't seem to match the theory.

My married male friends that have been difficult to deal with are almost all childless married men. They have houses and dogs though.
 
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