How do you treat a friend who flakes?

[Austin Allegro]

There's a girl at my gym who I was initially interested in, but decided to LJBF as we've not much in common and she seems to like having 'satellite' men orbiting her.

Anyway, we'd set up a date for tonight a while back, and today she flakes with the most shameless story of 'being invited to a football match she really wants to see'.

I mean WTF, I really just don't care anymore. Whatever.

Fact is, I DON'T want to blow her out entirely, as I see this girl most weeks at the gym, she's friends with some of my friends and I don't want to burn any bridges. I just want to put her in her place and show I'm not bothered.

I've drafted an email saying 'please don't arrange to see me again unless you're sure you can make it. Maybe I'll see you at the gym sometime'.

Does this sound ok - any suggestions, thoughts...

 

[bp1974]

That email won't do you any favours. She WAS sure she could make it when she arranged, that isn't the problem. The problem is she has decided she'd rather do something else and has blown you off. At the risk of pointing out the obvious, this girl is not interested in you.

If I were you, I'd delete all of the email except the following:

<ok> see you at the gym sometime

<name>

And send it. Nothing else. There's no need to pad it out.

 

[Austin Allegro]

Thanks BP, good advice.

I suppose it boils down to my age old dilemma: if someone flakes, is it a genuine sign of disinterest, or a shyt test requiring me to tell them off for flaking?

 

[bp1974]

To my mind, if it's a shyt test then it's not about whether you front her on it, but about whether her flaking gets to you or not. So shyt test or genuinely not interested, the response from you should be the same.

At the end of the day, the why's of what she did are unimportant. I'm not even sure shyt tests exist anymore. And it doesn't matter. All that counts is how you respond to the behaviour. If you respond in the way that feels most satisfyingand adult to you, then her motivations and future actions become less important. Stay true to yourself, don't get caught up in other people's games, confusions and thoughtlessnesses.

 

[decades]

some people say give them one more chance by saying, "look this opportunity is not going to be out there that long so if you want to go out lets go out"....this is the approach that will find out if she has any interest at all. if she flakes again I wouldn't even have her as a friend. you will get distracted from YOUR game. let me amend this. If she is going to be the type to always mention her exploits and problemos with other guys, that is going to make you feel like a chump around her.

mike

 

[Don Juanabbe]

Aw, F*ck that sh*t man. Don't send an e-mail, don't even acknowledge that you give a crap about it - reframe it by talking to her in a civil manner at the gym, like she was any other of your mates. You got blown out - move on, but don't say anything to her about it, at this stage you are not in a position of power at all and it'll just come off as weak. Who cares? F*ck her and find someone who really is interested in you.

 

[Don Juanabbe]

Originally posted by persistent exaction
some people say give them one more chance by saying, "look this opportunity is not going to be out there that long so if you want to go out lets go out"

mike

Best achieved in a non-verbal manner.

 

[decades]

Originally posted by Don Juanabbe
Best achieved in a non-verbal manner.

Don, can you explain? thanks

mike

 

[Don Juanabbe]

Originally posted by persistent exaction
Don, can you explain? thanks

mike

I think you can show this with your actions. You know - the best revenge is being happy. She'll only see what she missed out on if you are the guy that always presents yourself in the best light. Get to know some of the other women in the gym better - get them laughing, be social - don't give a sh*t. She'll get the message far better than any e-mail can accomplish. It takes time but this is what we all should be doing in our lives interacting amongst women. I guess it's the message this site always tries to put across in that you should be always keeping your options wide open. Who knows, you might click with one of the other ladies and completely forget about this one.

 

[NewMan]

I'm with Don.

What you don't want to do is to let her know that this even bother's you.

Is that not the law of a DJ?

You do not need women - so why then go and give her all the power by letting her know that her flaking got to you.

The best way to deal with this is to just go about your own business as if it never happened.

The last thing you want to do is tell her off - because then she can come back with:

"What's your problem? why are you getting upset with me? Something came up - I'm sorry, but these things happen, if you can't handle that like a mature adult, then thats your problem"

Or similar.

Of course your a little pi##ed and hurt right now.

But look at it this way - you now know where you stand.

You know - sometimes things work out - and sometimes they don't.

You should have other women on the go anyway.

 

[Don Juanabbe]

Newman is exactly right. Hell, I've lost out with women and I knew for a fact there was interest there, but you gotta let it roll off you like water off a ducks back.

I've had women that were interested and played these flake games on me and I have been ruthless in the fact that I ended up making them regret their actions. As someone pointed out yesterday - PRL is right - play on their insecurities and "Machiavellian" schemes.

She flakes? Act like you don't give a sh*t - in fact, be nice and polite at all times, that really really does the job - it's amazing how much that will get under a woman's skin. - because it negates her power.

Is she an attention hor? - ignore her. Be dismissive at times.

Is she trying to make you jealous? Flirt with other women.

I had a girl flake on me that was interested, she was just used to guys chasing her and wanted me to do the same. So I asked out her cousin.

 

[Slickster]

You LJBF'd her? Then why do you care so much?

If one of your guy buddies flaked on some plans would you send him an email or treat him differently?

If it was me I'd maybe give some playful ribbing when she was flaking and then I'd forget about it completely.

Your problem is the fact that you "like" this chick more than you'd like to admit and are covering it up with the "friend" label.

If she's a friend, treat her like one. If you are "interested" then don't treat it like a friendship. Go for what you want and if you don't get it then move on. You can be friends later when she makes it clear she's not interested and you've stopped kidding yourself.

 

[Don Juanabbe]

Flakes are always a waste of time. If there's a even a hint of flakiness, then the girl should be taken out of the 'potential girlfriend bucket' and immediately transferred to the 'F*ck them and chuck them bucket'.

 

[dietzcoi]

Austin

I love the "satellite men" comment... I will add that to my list of derisive terms for AFC male "friends" who supplicate...

Now, for you:

You are still interested in her, so forget being "friends" with her... do you want to be one of the satellite men you despise?

I would just be civil to her in the future and forget her. Trust me, she has already crossed you off her list of anything but a friend (chump) to amuse her.

Dietzcoi

 

[Austin Allegro]

Thanks for the advice guys.

She's now fully LJBF'd

 

[dig it]

Probably too late now...

but the best way i have found is to cut to the chase while not making a big deal out of it...if you hang on something too much the other person will draw the conclusion that you are either obsessed with what they have done and that it really gets to you, or they will think it weird or you are very hurt about it

i would just go in this situation with a highlight....

something like "I REALLY dont appreciate the fact that you pulled out of us meeting on such and such. You owe me.

Anyway, [name], see you at the gym."

If they flake you already know they dont have much interest in you. Would you for instance pass up a chance to go on a date with a super model, even if its just to mcdonalds?


Best to tell them to their face if you can. I love going up to a girl and going "Hey, whats going on here? You're not coming now? I am dissapointed in you. Maybe i'll get a secretary for you so you can organise you time...i've decided to do something else anyway with.

The first mesage would give a penalty to flaking on you, without making you seem like you are up tight (even ifg you are at the time it wil pan out eventually) and it maintains humour and lightness.

if they do it again, and you know that they have noticed your position on things, thats when you flame them.

thats when i would hit them with the second one, or if in person, somewhere in between.



maybe this post has been confusing but i dont have time to edit it

Maybe you did what i would have done, top stuff

 

[WaterTiger]

What to do with flakes....

1-You pour them back into the box

2-Close the box

3-Put the box back on the shelf with the other breakfast cereals.

Flakes are for breakfast and it's lunchtime now.

Unless she comes and apologizes for flaking on you and offers to reschedule, then she isn't worth your time.

.......NEXT!!!!!!!!

 

[Austin Allegro]

UPDATE

Oddly enough, she emailed me back and said 'sorry - would you like to meet next week?'

Now maybe this was a good thing, but I just replied 'I'm busy next week. See you at the gym sometime'.

I just don't trust someone who throws over a date simply because something better came along - she'd probably do it again.

 

[Don Juanabbe]

Smart move Austin.

 

[Mazman]

Just talk to her when you see her at the gym. I wouldn't make plans with her to do things though.