Guilt tripping!

[Beethoven]

Hi all, I got inspired to write this post after reading Dirtheart's 'Scared of hurting her' post.

If you've read some of my previous posts (over on 'Discussion'), you'll see most of them have a bit of a similar theme going... I'm a man who tends to feel guilty about most things that he does, especially with regards to women.

I used to be very religious, and I got on really badly with that, eventually reaching the point where I'd be feeling guilty for most of the day, every day. So my mind seems to have got stuck in a bit of a rut with this one.

Here's a few things I feel guilty about:

• Chatting up more than one girl online... If I do start to go out with one of them, I'll have to disappoint the others by saying I'm not free any more
• Going out with girls for fun. Even though I know they want to do the same, I feel they'll start to fall in love like they usually do, and I'll end up hurting them again
• Becoming a better person, as then other people will have to work harder to compete for the girls, and so I'm improving my life at their expense. i.e. becoming stronger makes others look and feel weaker
• Looking at girls in the street, as I'm already full of desire for them, and I know that if I keep this addiction up, I'll become quite willing to mess other people around to get the girls I want
• Going out with girls, because every time I go out with a girl, I'm spoiling how good their marriage will be by making 'going out with guys' just a little more ordinary.
• etc, etc. I think up new things to feel guilty about by the day.

Does anyone know a good way to get rid of these kind of thoughts? Or should I be feeling bad about these things? I'm sure some of you guys could help me out on the above issues (and please do!) but what is it that tends to make people feel guilty so much? Do you think autosuggestion (trying to reprogramme errors out of the subconscious mind) would be useful. The thing is, I'm starting to do pretty good with girls, and if I could leave this problem behind, I think I'd really start to see some real good results.

Thanks guys, you're an inspiration!

 

[princelydeeds]

My suggestion is blame feminism for your way of thinking. You think like a woman. You find and create waaaaaay too many issues for yourself. You are over thinking dating.

Ask yourself a simple question. Who cares about your happiness? Do women give a darn about you? Do women walk up to you and say "hey I noticed you were lonely, I was wondering if I could give you a BJ to brighten your day?" Do guys feel sorry for you when you don't have a date or can't get laid? The answer to all these questions is of course no. Don't ever feel guilty for attemptimg to find your happiness. Don't ever apologize for wanting to better yourself. There is nothing wrong with seeking your own happiness.

 

[Dirtheart]

I suffer with guilt a lot too. I hate hurting or offending anyone, but the worst part about it is that I always seem to end up bearing the pain I save others from feeling.

Unfortunately guilt is as restrictive and as destructive as fear. It stops you from getting what you want. It's the harsh downside of "nice guy syndrome".

I hate to be cynical, but I'd suggest living by the motto "Do unto others before they do unto you".

I'm having a lot of trouble doing that, but I'm trying, for my own sake.

 

[OddTech]

It doesn't sound like you guys have fallen flat or got your heart broken yet. When you reach the lowest part of your life, you'll see life in a different light. I did, and I realized that no one really give a darn about me.

It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, currently, I'm having difficulties
with my graduate degree, but no one in my class gives a sh*t. I'll be more than happy to make myself stronger at the expense of "making others feel weaker."

And when you get rejected left and right, you're going to remember the pain, no matter how tough you are. I will reject a girl without any guilt. It's time for some pay-back! Done ranting.

 

[Caveman]

Originally posted by OddTech
It's a dog-eat-dog world out there

This is the right mindset. You can only save others when you yourself are okay. It may sound self-centered but it really isn't.

Besides that: you cannot prevent people from being hurt. In fact they MUST be hurt at one time for them to grow stronger. Few might admit this but I am proud of it. I went through hell and back and i wouldn't wanna have missed it for the world.

 

[Ever onward]

Here's a few things I feel guilty about :


* Chatting up more than one girl online... If I do start to go out with one of them, I'll have to disappoint the others by saying I'm not free any more
* Going out with girls for fun. Even though I know they want to do the same, I feel they'll start to fall in love like they usually do, and I'll end up hurting them again
* Becoming a better person, as then other people will have to work harder to compete for the girls, and so I'm improving my life at their expense. i.e. becoming stronger makes others look and feel weaker
* Looking at girls in the street, as I'm already full of desire for them, and I know that if I keep this addiction up, I'll become quite willing to mess other people around to get the girls I want
* Going out with girls, because every time I go out with a girl, I'm spoiling how good their marriage will be by making 'going out with guys' just a little more ordinary.
* etc, etc. I think up new things to feel guilty about by the day.

This the problem most of us AFC's have; feeling guilty for being a man. You shouldn't feel bad for having the same desires and urges all guys have. Women aren't made to feel bad because of their desires and urges so why should we?

TIP: Read Pook's "Be a Man Post" in the Bible

 

[WaterTiger]

Originally posted by Beethoven

[*] Chatting up more than one girl online... If I do start to go out with one of them, I'll have to disappoint the others by saying I'm not free any more
[*] Going out with girls for fun. Even though I know they want to do the same, I feel they'll start to fall in love like they usually do, and I'll end up hurting them again
[*] Becoming a better person, as then other people will have to work harder to compete for the girls, and so I'm improving my life at their expense. i.e. becoming stronger makes others look and feel weaker
[*] Looking at girls in the street, as I'm already full of desire for them, and I know that if I keep this addiction up, I'll become quite willing to mess other people around to get the girls I want
[*] Going out with girls, because every time I go out with a girl, I'm spoiling how good their marriage will be by making 'going out with guys' just a little more ordinary.

*You are NOT doing anything wrong by chatting up or dating several different girls. That's what you're SUPPOSED to do. You haven't promised the girl that she's the only one in your life. You aren't engaged or married yet.

*Going out with girls is SUPPOSED to be fun. It's fun for them, it's fun for you. EVERY girl is not going to fall in love with you!

*Becoming a better person yourself, DOES NOT PREVENT others from doing the same. Perhaps you will inspire them to do better. It's your DUTY to be a better person.

*It's not an addiction. It's perfectly natural! You aren't going to become the next Jack the Ripper to get girls. Next time you see an attractive girl SMILE at her.

*HOW on Earth are you spoiling her marriage??? Going out with guys could save her from making a bad decision in the future because she will know there are better men, like YOU, out there.

 

[Beethoven]

Hey guys, thanks for your input. I've taken a few days to chew it over. I really wanna beat this once and for all, cause when I'm NOT feeling bad about this kind of stuff, I go up by about 2 points on the male HB scale!

The main thing I'm worrying about is the self-improvement point I mentioned above. I've got this friend, let's call her Jane. She's a great girl, but she's got no mirrors in her house. She hates how she looks, she's a natural endomorph, which means that no matter how much time she spends in the gym, she finds it real hard to lose weight.

The thing is, if other girls didn't look so 'hot' compared to her, she wouldn't feel so bad about her own appearance. And that's the thing that's slowing me down. Every time I feel I'm improving my appearance, it seems all the other guys will feel worse about the way they look, and some of them don't have the internal drive to beat it.

If I watch some 'funny' vids until I get a better sense of humour, the other guys won't seem so funny, and they'll feel like they don't have so much to offer in a conversation. If I get better academical qualifications, everyone else feels like they're a bit stupider.

In other words, every gain I make tramples down everyone else a little. And I've been at the 'bottom of the pile' (years ago), and it's not fun down there. That's probably why I'm so sensitive, I see myself just adding to their misery.

Am I just seeing this wrong?!

Oh, and I agree it does seem to be dog-eat-dog most of the time, but that doesn't make me feel much better about doing the squashing - I can't just assume that everyone would do the same to me.

 

[WestCoaster]

More stuff

First off, this is one of the funniest things I've ever read:

Originally posted by princelydeeds
Do women walk up to you and say "hey I noticed you were lonely, I was wondering if I could give you a BJ to brighten your day?"

God, I'm still laughing as I write this!

One of the best things I did was wean myself from religion. Oh, I go to church now and just to listen to the sermon, but I'm really not that much of a believer anymore. Yep, all the guilt and making me feel like crap for every thought and thing I did pushed me out -- and I didn't even go to a fundamentalist church. Yet the Christian religion can really hammer guilt into one's head. So try and work on yourself and leave church behind or at least a lesser part of your life.

Read the DJ Bible and the oh so important articles on this site. Learn how to stand up for yourself and to quit apologizing for things you don't need to apologize for.

If you're not cheating or treating someone poorly, no reason to feel guilt, and it looks like you're acting fine.

Don't make dating the end of the world. Women come and go, that's the way life works. They move on fairly quickly, too. I dated this lawyer/single mom this year but we never really clicked. After one tremendous c-ck block by her (I came out of her bathroom and she was holding her cat near the end of the date) I said that's enough ... though props to her on the creative ****block. I should've asked if I could pet her p-ssy.

Anyway, I just quit calling her and she quit calling me. That's the way it went. We had little chemistry and she didn't physically attract me that much. Guilt? Not really, but 10 years ago I would've felt really guilty.

Read the good stuff on this site and put the DJ principles into action and go from there!

 

[Beethoven]

Yeah, I was a Christian fundamentalist for 8 years, from 17-25. I left that behind 9 months ago... I wouldn't blame the religion directly, cause there's plenty people who don't get this kind of guilt trip from it, I think it's just the way I reacted to it.

I've been a lot more peaceful in myself over the last 9 months since I left than the years before that. But some things, once you get them in your head, can take a while to get out again. I guess that's why I'm here, writing this! If I can shake off this guilt business, I'll be able to kick some serious ass.

All input is appreciated, you can call me an AFC if ya like, as long as you give me some ideas on how to beat this as well!

 

[Dirtheart]

Don't let anything or anyone deter you from improving yourself and feeling good about yourself! You're basically letting other people keep you at their level because they can't be bothered to make the most of themselves and keep making excuses not to try.

As long as you don't turn against your friends and trample on them, there's no reason to feel guilty. Try to encourage them and act like a role model or mentor. If they aren't interested or continue making excuses, they only have themselves to blame for their inferiority complex.

I've tried helping my best friend out of his AFC rut. I mean, this guy is a 30 year old virgin who is unemployed and a total geek. Every time I offer advice he tells me "I can't" or "It's too much trouble" and then keeps moaning about how sh1t his life is! So I've decided to spend less time with him. There's no fvcking way he's dragging me down with that attitude! I don't feel guilty because it's his life and his choice.

 

[Bungo Pony]

Yeah, I was a Christian fundamentalist for 8 years, from 17-25. I left that behind 9 months ago... I wouldn't blame the religion directly, cause there's plenty people who don't get this kind of guilt trip from it, I think it's just the way I reacted to it.

I'm not sure on the background of your religion, but between the age of 5 and 18, I was brought up as a Jehovah's Witness. I've done a lot of self-improvent, self-discovery, and self-therapy since then. I discovered that a LOT of my problems came from the religion alone, and my mother's personality combined with the rules of the religion.

I was taught to do everything God's way. I was taught to make myself feel guilty for masturbating. I learned that I should repress my sexual desires until I was at least 20 years old and ready for marriage. I was told to avoid contact with women for fear that I may end up intimate with them and displease God. My fear of women stemmed greatly from my religious experience. I was taught to worry about what other people thought of me.

For the last few years, I've done tremendous work on reversing these teachings that I learned at a young age. My mother insists she did a great job raising me by "bible principles". I insist that I did a great job modifying my morals and improving my self-image.

You may want to look into the background of your religion and see what other ex-members have to say about it.

 

[dietzcoi]

Religion is the biggest "matrix" out there.

In fact the theme of the movie is sometimes thought to be taken from people being deprogrammed from cults. "Wake up!"

Religion is for the weak. AFCs are weak. DJs are not.

Stand up for yourself! You only have one life! This doesn't mean to treat people badly, but don't let yourself be treated badly.

The funniest thing is that religious people cannot understand how athiests can be moral or ethical. As if we need a fairy tale to tell us how to act! Bullsh1t!

Dietzcoi

 

[Austin Allegro]

You don't need religion to make you feel guilty. All you need is guilt itself.

Look at feminism - a totally secular philosophy but can be used to make men (and some women) feel VERY guilty.

As the drunk priest in 'Trading Places' said 'Religion is a fine thing - taken in moderation'.

I know exactly how you feel because I've been there myself. The only way to get out of it is to realise that ANY emotional attachment involves pain. It's par for the course. And guess what...women THRIVE ON IT!

You should never feel guilty about possibly 'hurting' women by being a DJ. As long as you're not actually physically hurting them or being deceitful or breaking promises, you are not doing anything wrong. Women thrive on emotional turmoil, if you act like the totally decent guy who would never hurt them they will just lose interest. But if they sense potential rivalry, or the fact that you are not that into them, or that they could get hurt, they will be over you like flies round shyt.

 

[Omega]

Do you feel bad about breathing air? Or how about going to the washroom or living in a stable country.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Do the 'right' thing and you will not have a guilty conscious!!l

Who said others are suffering because you are doing right?? Only those who are doing wrong suffer - this is good!!