Gotta Dump My GF/coworker

[samspade]

Sure, go ahead and flame me. I knew the risks and made a calculated decision a while back. The truth is, I've been seriously dating a coworker for a few years, so it's not a fling. Overall it's been good, but I'm feeling it coming to an end for a variety of reasons.

Most of the "tips" on the internet about ending office relationships are female-centric, so I'm asking my fellow DJs for any advice on this.

I have great standing at my office. Of course I know there are horror stories out there about men being destroyed at work. I don't think that will happen, but have to be professional and smart about this. My boss (female) loves me and the work I do and is generally very cool.

In fact, she has butted heads with HR a few times (unrelated to our relationship) so there's that.

Anyway, we've already nearly broken up a few times the past year or so. We've also had serious discussions about the fact that this relationship is simply not growing any more, and that we are not destined to be together forever. Last week we started discussing it anew. It was the night before a big work day, so she said "this is an important discussion, and we should continue it, but you shouldn't think about this the night before your big event tomorrow." The point is, I think she's been girding herself for this for a while.

We work on different floors, same department. I'm not her supervisor or anything. Honestly I thought she'd have gotten another job by now, but she's been unlucky with that. So I'm just preparing to rip the band aid off soon without being too cruel.

In fact, I know she knows I'm not feeling it, but I think she fears being alone which is normal for a female. And I don't want to waste her time - if she wants a husband and babies, I'd rather set her free.

Any thoughts? And yeah you can flame me, I'm an idiot, I know. I'm posting here because I trust your opinions.

 

[sazc]

I think you'll be okay, you've done the prep work by having the conversations about how you both feel. Now just continue the convo and angle it along the lines of "we're not happy together, and I want us both to find happiness, so I think we should stop seeing each other"

 

[Bible_Belt]

I don't want to waste her time - if she wants a husband and babies, I'd rather set her free.

Bravo. Good for you. That is the right policy. Often the girl will come back just for sex, anyway.

 

[samspade]

If the female is your supervisor, I'd be prepared to leave the office. In such a case I'd say it would be 80% probability that **** will hit the fan somehow

My boss is female, but she's older - in her 50s. I've got a lot of capital built up with her because I'm great at my job. In fact, though she likes my gf, I think she sees her as inexperienced and a tad annoying. Nothing egregious, just an older female/younger female dynamic. Anyway I know people talk about how working for women sucks and all that, but my current boss is easily the best boss I've had; she's great.

I think you'll be okay, you've done the prep work by having the conversations about how you both feel. Now just continue the convo and angle it along the lines of "we're not happy together, and I want us both to find happiness, so I think we should stop seeing each other"

Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. We used to argue about these things, but eventually she realized I wasn't going to move in with her, don't want kids, and all that. I totally respect that she wants that stuff, but I just don't see it with her.

Anyway, she is coming over tomorrow night, and we're going out for a movie. I don't know if it will happen or not because I'm not sure the right time to bring it up. I hate doing this stuff but I guess it's gotta be done.

 

[sazc]

I don't want to waste her time - if she wants a husband and babies, I'd rather set her free.

this is how you speak with her about it, and don't let her 'change her mind'. My ex never wanted kids, until he realized I was going to break up with him. Then, all of a sudden he said 'he thought about it, and changed his mind" Lol, I believed him, so we got married. A few years later he couldn't take the pressure of having kinds, and not having his time to do whatever he pleased, it was too stressful, it caused issues with us.

Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. We used to argue about these things, but eventually she realized I wasn't going to move in with her, don't want kids, and all that. I totally respect that she wants that stuff, but I just don't see it with her.

Anyway, she is coming over tomorrow night, and we're going out for a movie. I don't know if it will happen or not because I'm not sure the right time to bring it up. I hate doing this stuff but I guess it's gotta be done.

Best way is to be calm and very matter of fact. Make it about caring for her so much you want her to find someone to fulfill her. You still want to be friends and will keep in touch. You're going to have to entertain a few weepy texts, etc, but if you kid glove it, it should be okay. Cross fingers

 

[WanderingMan]

"it's not you, it's me"

Seems to be the classic go to.

From what I have seen at the workplace, break-ups have never really caused any issues.. During the relationship, on the other hand, is where I've seen some riffs- and that's usually mostly due to other co-workers being jealous of one or the other, or something to do with the occasional temporary spat between the two. I think you should be fine especially due to the way you've handled the relationship up to this point as well as your good standing at work.

 

[Serenity]

I get the sense you both see this coming. That it is a break up because you've drifted apart and not because of drama or one person being an a$$. Say it as it is, you're not feeling it anymore and think it's better both of you move on without being a couple. If she already senses this coming she'll probably agree and that's that, problem solved.

Not all break-ups ends in tragedy.

 

[Reyaj]

Hey Sam not to hijack your thread... but I always meant to ask how you feel now in retrospect about ending your marriage? You were with a hot brazilian girl with no drama right? Have you been able to find anything near her quality yet?

 

[samspade]

Hey Sam not to hijack your thread... but I always meant to ask how you feel now in retrospect about ending your marriage? You were with a hot brazilian girl with no drama right? Have you been able to find anything near her quality yet?

Reyaj....no regrets whatsoever. That relationship was far from perfect. She was great but it was not the best match, in retrospect. PM me if you want to get into details about it! Every day I thank God I'm not married.

 

[Glassguy]

If you have a great relationship with your boss, you may want to express your intent and concerns with her. Just let her know that you may be headed toward ending the relationship and want to give her a heads up. It's just being proactive and she may appreciate your honestly and concern. It also shows maturity.

In today's world, as long as the other employee is not a subordinate or female boss, you should be ok.

 

[samspade]

If you have a great relationship with your boss, you may want to express your intent and concerns with her. Just let her know that you may be headed toward ending the relationship and want to give her a heads up. It's just being proactive and she may appreciate your honestly and concern. It also shows maturity.

In today's world, as long as the other employee is not a subordinate or female boss, you should be ok.

I've thought about that, but I wouldn't tell her until after it happens. I don't want to burden my boss with what "might" happen, or put her in a position where she might be anticipating a blowup. But thanks for the suggestion.

I haven't had the stones to do this yet. Was at my gf's this weekend, and we talked some more about it. I just don't think she gets the idea that I don't want marriage or kids. Most women don't understand that kind of thing. Anyway, we didn't make a decision yet.

 

[samspade]

My girlfriend and I had another talk about this last night. My birthday was last week, and I got the feeling that she might have been waiting until after that to pull the trigger on a breakup.

Anyway, most of the weekend went by peacefully, but I was still not feeling at ease so I spoke up after some prodding. This is the third or fourth serious talk about it and surprisingly, they have been mature and without anger. We both agreed that we weren't growing. Anyway, we curtailed the conversation because it was Sunday night and we both had work today - probably a good idea. Since we work together this has taken some real finesse. But I do believe her interest and/or patience with me has gotten a reality check.

She said she'd been thinking of breaking up too, but wasn't totally ready for it. I know women, they like to branch swing or do things when it's most convenient. I just don't see the point in maintaining a relationship that's going nowhere for another few months. To be continued.

 

[Glassguy]

If she is thinking of a breakup and you are thinking of a breakup, you're better off as the dumper and not the dumpee.

I am not sure why you are waiting on the inevitable.

In every "Talk" I've ever had with a woman, things either drastically get better or I dump them. You've had several "talks" and are still in the same idle place.

Just pull the trigger.

 

[samspade]

If she is thinking of a breakup and you are thinking of a breakup, you're better off as the dumper and not the dumpee.

I am not sure why you are waiting on the inevitable.

In every "Talk" I've ever had with a woman, things either drastically get better or I dump them. You've had several "talks" and are still in the same idle place.

Just pull the trigger.

I honestly don't care if she dumps me or vice versa. It makes no difference.

The only reason I'm treading carefully is that we work together. I'd rather ease her out of this than have a blow up, if that makes sense.

 

[Glassguy]

You say that she has been very mature and patient about this. Not sure why you think there will be a blow up

 

[samspade]

Okay, I ripped off the band aid and did it. I didn't plan on doing it this evening but she came to my office after work and kept asking questions about it. I couldn't lie or stall so I answered directly and told her we should break up.

That led to me riding the subway with her to her appointment that she had to get to so we could talk more. Not how I planned it at all. Obviously she is upset but we had to cut it short. She might come back to my office to talk some more.

I hate this kind of shyt but I know I need to get it over with. She had even been considering breaking up with me, so what's the difference. Anyway, I've tried to be as diplomatic and nice as possible while still being stern. Fukking hate this shyt.

 

[Glassguy]

At least your the dumper and not the dumpee. Although I'm not sure why you feel the need to keep talking about it with her.

"Things aren't working out and we need to go our separate ways". The end.

I promise you.....the more you talk to her about this, the worse it will get and the more upset she will get. Not a good thing since you work together.

You're better off telling her that you don't feel like talking about it anymore since it's over. Then, don't address it or answer any questions. In the long run it doesn't matter anyways. But she will get more upset the more you talk about it.

 

[samspade]

I never understood why it's better to be the dumper vs. the dumpee. Who cares? Either way it's over and you can move on.

Anyway, things are going fine. I'm sure there'll be a few bumps but hopefully it will be mostly peaceful.

 

[Glassguy]

It's always better to be the dumper. Obvious reasons that have been pointed out many, many times on here.

You seem like a guy that is going to do what you want. You arent really looking for advice, just a crowd to talk it out with.

Probably no reason to keep thinking out loud to the masses if you have it all figured out. Me personally, I would rather be the dumper, get it over with and then not answer any questions or have her lingering around for more "reasons".

There are 100 or so threads on here that support this process. But you do what you feel you need to do.

Good luck.

 

[samspade]

There's a difference for AFCs with a scarcity mentality who can't handle being dumped. For me - it's all the same - it just means it's over. Couldn't care less who initiates it.