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Got a situation I want to run by some of you more experienced guys

BPH

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Wasn't sure if I should make this thread. I'm probably overthinking things because so far everything's been great. But I've been delving into Patrice O'Neal and part of me in the back of my head thinks this "relationship" is ultimately doomed, but I'll describe it if only to get some input from you guys who know what you're talking about.

I'd prefer to hear responses from guys who know what they're talking about; successful guys who have slept with a lot of very attractive women and have had successful relationships or marriages. I know there's no way to verify that you posting are any of these things, but I hope those of you who do decide to say something fit that framework.

Anyway, I'm 27 and she's recently 32. We met off Tinder. I know. We texted back and forth for about a week and decided to hang out. She lives about an hour away and has her own place. First night I visit is a Tuesday we talk for a bit, drink some wine, end up having really great sex and I stay over. We have some more sex in the morning and we go to a diner where she treats me to breakfast and we part ways. I keep in communication with her and we decide to see each other again that weekend. Since then I've spent every weekend (sometimes 1 day, sometimes 2) with the exception of a 2-week period where we both caught COVID.

Here are the facts:

She's older than me. She lives an hour away and has her own house and stuff. She got out of a 10-year relationship about 8 months ago due to repeated cheating on the boyfriend's part. She's slept with 7 guys and I was both her first night stand, and later, the first guy she ever had unprotected sex with. She does not know my body count (75 I think) and has not asked me for that info. She is SIGNIFICANTLY better off financially which is why she tries to pay for things when it comes to me and her friends, I try not to let her because I don't want that to be the dynamic but I'm talking about this woman makes about 500k/year and has offered to buy me a car. She is manic depressive bipolar, meaning she has high highs and really bad low depressing lows, but she takes medication for it so she hasn't had any issues since her relationship. She is adopted and has I think 16 non-biological siblings under 2 lesbian mothers. She had seen a guy from her past after she first hooked up with me, with the expectation that she probably wouldn't see me again - apparently this guy has been trying to lock her down for a long time but she just uses him for sex when she and her boyfriend would take breaks. She is very attractive and likes the attention of men but doesn't like giving herself to them - I've seen this by the hundreds of matches and thirsty Snapchats guys send her that she blows off.

Anyway I'm probably getting too granular but I've been seeing her for about 2 months most weekends and we always have a good time with some alcohol, lots of sex, and just being sweet and treating each other well. However, I'm an aspiring actor/model that's had a difficult time, so I've been working a part time job for flexibility, struggling to break into the market as a newer real estate agent, and live at home with my parents. She is aware of this and doesn't mind since she grew up poor and likes paying for her friends because she doesn't see the point of being rich by herself.

Like I mentioned, things have been going great but I worry about the potential future I may or may not have with this woman. Right now we are not in a relationship but I haven't bothered seeing other girls since her, and aside from the one time with the guy from her past she's cut off ties with the other guys trying to get with her too. She wants me to get my real estate license in her state since she's a wealthy project manager and can hand off houses for me to sell. She wants to buy me a new car because mine sucks and I always treat her really well so she wants to make it up to me. This worries me a bit because from what I've listened to from Patrice O'Neal women want somebody above them, they want somebody greater than them - they want a man who's their king, not to be the queen and have some random man...so I'm looking at trying to change my financial situation.

Aside from that, I took her out last weekend and we got really drunk and I learned some things. She told me how excited she gets when I text her near the weekend since she knows she's about to see me soon. She tells me I gave her back her "fire" that she lost when dating her boyfriend and wasn't used to getting genuine compliments about her being attractive as this guy used to put her down. But she also worries that her being older has us at different stages in life and that I should meet somebody closer to where I'm at, and that she feels she doesn't deserve me.

Again, we were absolutely wasted. It was reassuring to hear how much of an impact I've made and how much she cares, but I'm concerned long-term about the income and how much the age gap bothers her - although she has said she's never dated an older guy anyway.

So this is a lot, I know. I'm basically wanting to play this out and see how far things go because she's gorgeous and a real sweetheart compared to most of the women I've been with. The income and age differences are what might be concern me the most, and how I'd overcome those.

I'm probably overthinking this way too much, nothing's wrong now, I'm just looking to the future.

Looking forward to see what you guys might have to say. If anything needs elaboration feel free to ask, I'll be checking this thread now and then and I'll do my best to reply.
 

Focal core

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Shes older than me were always the case in tinder, its a great time for leftover wimen.
 

Black Widow Void

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You asked for advice from those with experience with higher hanging fruit. I’d think that I meet this criteria.

First; hearing how few partners she’s had or that you’re the first without protection, is the equivalent to “you’re the best” or “I’ve never slept with anyone so soon.” While it’s possible that she’s expressing truth, it’s also (and likely more) possible that she isn’t.

Currently, you’re still in the honeymoon phase. From what you’ve shared, it sounds like you could be leading down a path that could be quite dependent on her; as she will be dependent upon you.

The sort of reminds me of the old southern mill factories. The company would supply employees with a mill house. This might sound like a sweet deal, but if you quit or get fired from the mill, you also lost your home. The Mill owners knew what they were doing and how to keep the employees dependent and under their power.

The potential set up that you’re describing and where it may lead sounds very similar. One screwup, and your life could spiral down drastically.

Do you really want to voluntarily be this beholden to her? You might want to think about this.

Judging by your description, this doesn’t sound like just manic depression, but seems to have symptoms similar to bipolar disorder. Typically, the sex is always great with these types. However there’s also a roller coaster ride which before you know it... you can become sucked in and sink like quicksand before you even know it.
 
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BPH

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Shes older than me were always the case in tinder, its a great time for leftover wimen.
Not complaining. Her ex cheated multiple times on prostitutes, verbally and sometimes physically abused her and put her down emotionally, destroyed some property and tried to entrap her by messing with condoms...

So far his loss, she's been nothing but wonderful. She reminds me of the good ex I had that I broke up with because I wasn't ready for her level of love and desire to settle down. She's like her but better and not in any rush.
 
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My 2 cents: short version - you're worrying over nothing.

Longer version: it's admirable that you're looking into the faaaaaar off future with this woman... but it's only been 2 months. SLOW DOWN. Until she starts coming to you and asking you the "so what are we?" question, all you have to do is continue to do what you're already doing - hitting her up for hangouts, hooking up with her, and showing her a good time.

As for her saying "she feels she doesn't deserve you?" That's what women say when they finally come up against a guy who they feel is BETTER than them. She's ignoring hundreds of men who are groveling for her in her Snapchat to spend time with you. Far as she knows, you're not as spooked as those other guys, and women often get intimidated by men who aren't intimidated by them.

Could that other stuff you mentioned be potential issues in the future? Possibly - but to be honest, even if she wasn't bipolar, most women have anxiety/self-esteem/not feeling good enough issues about themselves. At least she's taking meds for it. She also sounds like she may be somewhat co-dependent based on how much she's looking to give you money-wise and gift-wise. But again, these are issues you can work through, and they aren't the worst ones in the world. I once dated a woman who had dated several men who abused her, and was so anxious and worried about losing me to another woman that she tried monitoring my every move and was constantly questioning me. If your biggest issue with her is she wants to buy you stuff, that's ions better than other issues other women may try bringing to the table.
 

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BPH

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You asked for those with experience with higher hanging fruit. I’d think that I meet this criteria.

First; hearing how few partners ahe’a had or that you’re the first without protection, is the equivalent to “you’re the best” or “I’ve never slept with anyone so soon.” While it’s possible that she’s expressing truth, it’s also (and likely more) possible that she isn’t.

Currently, you’re still in the honeymoon phase. From what you’ve shared, it sounds like you could be leading down a path that could be quite dependent on her; as she will be dependent upon you.

The sort of reminds me of the old southern mill factories. The company would supply employees with a mill house. This might sound like a sweet deal, but if you quit or get fired from the mill, you also lose your home. The Mill owners knee what they were doing and how to keep the employees under their power.

The potential set up that you’re describing and where it may lead sounds very similar. One screwup, and your life could spiral down drastically.

Do you really want to voluntarily be this beholden to her? You might want to think about this.


Judging by your description, this doesn’t sound like just manic depreasiom, but seems to illustrate symptoms similar to bipolar disorder. Typically, the sex is always great with these types. However there’s also a roller coaster ride which before you know it... you can become sucked in and sink like quicksand before you even know it.
I'll address your points that I've highlighted in the order they appear since I'm not so great at chopping up quotes.

I do believe I was her first unprotected sex. I don't think she was lying about that. When it first happened she was in disbelief of how different everything felt for her and raved about it on and off for like a half hour. She called her best friend and told her what happened, I believe her here.

I'm a little unsure of what you mean here. Where would it be my screwup that my life could spiral down? I often insist on paying for things or taking her out because I like to treat her since she always tries to treat me. I'm not beholden to her but I do want to raise myself to a point where I wouldn't feel like she's in control of me because of my financial situation. I don't think she wants a man like that and I don't want to be that sort of man.

Yeah I asked her about it. Bipolar Disorder type 1, which is categorized as manic depressive. I did some research online and look at testimonials from people who had dated these types. The typical consensus was that when they're on their medication they're essentially normal people. But that is also why I asked her what it was like having this. She described high highs but very depressing lows where she would feel worthless and not want to leave her bed for several days. At the very least this sounds less worrying to me than it would if she were the type that could go from happy to crazy in a split second.

Looking forward to seeing what your thoughts are on my response here.
 

Focal core

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Not complaining. Her ex cheated multiple times on prostitutes, verbally and sometimes physically abused her and put her down emotionally, destroyed some property and tried to entrap her by messing with condoms...

So far his loss, she's been nothing but wonderful. She reminds me of the good ex I had that I broke up with because I wasn't ready for her level of love and desire to settle down. She's like her but better and not in any rush.
There's always 2 side of the stories, hers, her husband, and the truth.

And whos fault is that if women are given power of the choosers of partner.
 

BPH

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My 2 cents: short version - you're worrying over nothing.

Longer version: it's admirable that you're looking into the faaaaaar off future with this woman... but it's only been 2 months. SLOW DOWN. Until she starts coming to you and asking you the "so what are we?" question, all you have to do is continue to do what you're already doing - hitting her up for hangouts, hooking up with her, and showing her a good time.

As for her saying "she feels she doesn't deserve you?" That's what women say when they finally come up against a guy who they feel is BETTER than them. She's ignoring hundreds of men who are groveling for her in her Snapchat to spend time with you. Far as she knows, you're not as spooked as those other guys, and women often get intimidated by men who aren't intimidated by them.

Could that other stuff you mentioned be potential issues in the future? Possibly - but to be honest, even if she wasn't bipolar, most women have anxiety/self-esteem/not feeling good enough issues about themselves. At least she's taking meds for it. She also sounds like she may be somewhat co-dependent based on how much she's looking to give you money-wise and gift-wise. But again, these are issues you can work through, and they aren't the worst ones in the world. I once dated a woman who had dated several men who abused her, and was so anxious and worried about losing me to another woman that she tried monitoring my every move and was constantly questioning me. If your biggest issue with her is she wants to buy you stuff, that's ions better than other issues other women may try bringing to the table.
I'll address your points in bold similar to the guy above since I'm **** @ foruming.

Maybe I am looking a bit far but it's more of a "what if" kinda way. Like she's talked about her job and how she's up for contract renewal in 6 months with the potential of being made partner. I mentioned it's my birthday around that time and she told me how if we're still a thing by that point that she would take me and some of her friends to Aruba and we would just f*** everywhere.

We haven't REALLY had a "what are we" kinda conversation, but we did have something kinda similar one drunken night. That's where we had unprotected sex for the first time because she told me about the one time she hooked up with a guy after seeing me and felt super guilty and was afraid of how I'd react. Basically told her she can do whatever she wants, I'll do whatever I want, but she told me she hasn't seen anybody since me after that and I told her the same thing since I just hadn't had anyone that was on nearly the same level as this girl.

That's reassuring. What do you think of the age gap thing? Her thinking I should be with somebody younger during that drunken rant? I'm happy with just about all aspects of my life with the exception of finances and my living situation, so it just feels odd hearing this gorgeous rich girl feeling like she doesn't deserve me.
 

BPH

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There's always 2 side of the stories, hers, her husband, and the truth.

And whos fault is that if women are given power of the choosers of partner.
I understand the possibility that she might not be truthful, but from my experiences with her it seems unlikely. It sounds like she tried to get over this guy's actions by reminding herself of the good side of him she remembers and just had enough. Her brother lives downstairs in the basement of this house and is planning to move out in the next month or so. He told a story around her fire pit this one night about how he had to rush this guy because he was choking her out against the wall, and another time how he kicked her door in and one of her dogs growling is what stopped him from coming in.

So far she has not given me a reason to not believe her. Especially considering how guilty she was and worried about my reaction when it came to her telling me about the guy she saw after me before she knew she would see me again. She told me it felt good getting that off her chest because she was guilty and nervous about what I might think.
 

Focal core

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You could never believe how women at age 32 body count is when stated by them.

The actual body count tripple that * 10.

Take it slow. Its on yourside now. Men doesnt really care how much money she had. But you willing to accept her at that age and god help if she's single mom.

Like @Black Widow Void said.

Judging by your description, this doesn’t sound like just manic depression, but seems to have symptoms similar to bipolar disorder. Typically, the sex is always great with these types. However there’s also a roller coaster ride which before you know it... you can become sucked in and sink like quicksand before you even know it.
 

BPH

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You could never believe how women at age 32 body count is when stated by them.

The actual body count tripple that * 10.

Take it slow. Its on yourside now. Men doesnt really care how much money she had. But you willing to accept her at that age and god help if she's single mom.

Like @Black Widow Void said.
Like I said, I get that she could be lying. She was in a relationship for 10 years all throughout college where she was faithful to this boyfriend of hers. Regardless of what her actual number may or may not be, I'm about 10x higher so stuff like that doesn't make me insecure, even if she WERE higher than mine.

As for the bipolar thing, I'm leery of it. It's something I'll keep an eye on but I'm glad that she takes medicine for it and that her "episodes" wouldn't be the type where she would lash out unprovoked.
 
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What do you think of the age gap thing? Her thinking I should be with somebody younger during that drunken rant? I'm happy with just about all aspects of my life with the exception of finances and my living situation, so it just feels odd hearing this gorgeous rich girl feeling like she doesn't deserve me.
So, this is the part where you have to learn to ignore the things a woman is SAYING, and look at her actions. If her words are saying "you're younger and I don't deserve you," and her actions are that she's f'ing your brains out, THAT's what you look at. Women will often have a variety of feelings about any given situation, whereas men will often have just one. We tend to be a bit more assured in a situation while women question everything, and sometimes they'll say these questions out loud so that they can better process it. It doesn't mean that's how she's ALWAYS feeling about something, it's her expressing a feeling she's having in that moment that goes away as soon as the next moment comes.

So, in that moment, that's how she felt, and she expressed it. In the next moment if she was kissing you and trying to take you down, that mean she's now in a new moment with new feelings. All this to say: you can't be hyper-focused on what this woman is saying in moments, and if you DO react to it, that makes it a real thing to her and can cause her to retreat. Instead, if she says something like that you nod and make a joke or side comment out of it (i.e. Her: "you're younger and I don't deserve you;" you: "eh, as long as you tuck me in at night and have my lunch ready for school each day I'd say you're more than deserving") to inject the fun back into your hangout. #donttakewhatshesaysseriously
 

Bingo-Player

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Here are the facts:

and has offered to buy me a car. She is manic depressive bipolar, meaning she has high highs and really bad low depressing lows, but she takes medication for it so she hasn't had any issues since her relationship. She is adopted and has I think 16 non-biological siblings under 2 lesbian mothers. She had seen a guy from her past after she first hooked up with me, with the expectation that she probably wouldn't see me again - apparently this guy has been trying to lock her down for a long time but she just uses him for sex when she and her boyfriend would take breaks. She is very attractive and likes the attention of men but doesn't like giving herself to them - I've seen this by the hundreds of matches and thirsty Snapchats guys send her that she blows off.
Way too many red flags here for my liking ....women can rarely cope well with any psychological trauma or repressed emotion it also sounds like she is going to have a lot of issues with insecurity

personally I wouldn't pursue any kind of relationship with a woman like this other than basic acquaintance and maybe if she is ridiculously hot a ONS but that would be it because it would be like playing with a timebomb

Remember you are in very early stages of your relationship with her , true colours will be hidden
 

BPH

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So, this is the part where you have to learn to ignore the things a woman is SAYING, and look at her actions. If her words are saying "you're younger and I don't deserve you," and her actions are that she's f'ing your brains out, THAT's what you look at. Women will often have a variety of feelings about any given situation, whereas men will often have just one. We tend to be a bit more assured in a situation while women question everything, and sometimes they'll say these questions out loud so that they can better process it. It doesn't mean that's how she's ALWAYS feeling about something, it's her expressing a feeling she's having in that moment that goes away as soon as the next moment comes.

So, in that moment, that's how she felt, and she expressed it. In the next moment if she was kissing you and trying to take you down, that mean she's now in a new moment with new feelings. All this to say: you can't be hyper-focused on what this woman is saying in moments, and if you DO react to it, that makes it a real thing to her and can cause her to retreat. Instead, if she says something like that you nod and make a joke or side comment out of it (i.e. Her: "you're younger and I don't deserve you;" you: "eh, as long as you tuck me in at night and have my lunch ready for school each day I'd say you're more than deserving") to inject the fun back into your hangout. #donttakewhatshesaysseriously
Yeah I didn't think too much of it since she and I were both wasted, but it's something I noticed.

What happened with this whole interaction along with the not deserving me and thinking I should meet someone older thing didn't change her actions. We continued dancing, making out, getting drinks, and it ended up with me carrying her in my arms up to the room. From there she continued being a little emotional and she teared up a little bit so I tried to calm her down. Eventually it led to sex and she told me I still have time (at 4:30AM when the club closes at 3) to go back down and meet some other pretty girl. She said she was going to lay her head down for 20 minutes then she was just gonna go exploring while I do my own thing. Drunk as I was, I knew she was full of **** so I just went "yeah uh huh" and she fell asleep and stayed asleep.

I don't take the age gap seriously, I just know that most of the time it's an older and better off financially man with a younger woman. She jokes that I'm too young to know certain shows, movies, songs and I joke about stuff like her favorite movies were in black and white, her first car was horse-drawn, her music was all played on vinyl, etc.
 

firstbornunicorn

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Not complaining. Her ex cheated multiple times on prostitutes, verbally and sometimes physically abused her and put her down emotionally, destroyed some property and tried to entrap her by messing with condoms...
My experience with cluster B's is that they accuse others of doing what they do.

Also, totally sounds like the idealisation phase of a borderline.
 

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stringpuller

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She's slept with 7 guys and I was both her first night stand, and later, the first guy she ever had unprotected sex with.
Never listen to their words. 90% of what comes out of their mouths is BS.
I'm probably overthinking this way too much, nothing's wrong now, I'm just looking to the future.

Looking forward to see what you guys might have to say. If anything needs elaboration feel free to ask, I'll be checking this thread now and then and I'll do my best to reply.
I still think your getting oneitis and falling into the feels. Which is ok with enough time involved.
Make her work for every inch of your time.
So this is a lot, I know. I'm basically wanting to play this out and see how far things go because she's gorgeous and a real sweetheart compared to most of the women I've been with. The income and age differences are what might be concern me the most, and how I'd overcome those
also keep in mind this girl maybe has 5 years of shelf life left and her ovaries might be screaming.
If you are late 20s and good looking actor you shoukd be pulling younger models in there peak.
I would be cautious.
Just because she is "gorgeous" doesnt mean shyt and that she is any different. Treat her the same.
You already put her up on the pedestal.
And yes take the free car in your name and in writing. Why the fck not?
 

KindredSpiritzz

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you're already way to invested in this chick, enjoy the ride and stop worrying about the future or where it goes. Remember, she's not yours, it's just your turn dude. Have fun, spin plates and stop fretting about if it lasts cause chances are it wont, with any woman.
 

RangerMIke

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Your first instinct is correct. you are overthinking. Just kick back and have fun and stop worrying about what may or may not happen because you do not have any control over that.

Don't fall for anything any woman says about her past... she might be telling the truth, but in my experience a vast majority of women will lie about her sexual past, unless you put out the vibe that you just don't care what she has done. If she thinks you are open sexually, she'll tell you, then OMG... you might be shocked what they have done and are willing to do.

Don't have unprotected sex with a chick that has hit her 30s, never had a kid, and just came off a long relationship, unless your plan is to become a baby daddy.
 

BPH

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My experience with cluster B's is that they accuse others of doing what they do.

Also, totally sounds like the idealisation phase of a borderline.
I don't know enough about the illness to know what you mean with the second part there. Normally I'd agree with you on the first part but hearing her brother confirm her boyfriend's behavior leads me to believe she is at the very least, mostly truthful.

Never listen to their words. 90% of what comes out of their mouths is BS.

I still think your getting oneitis and falling into the feels.
Which is ok with enough time involved.
Make her work for every inch of your time.
also keep in mind this girl maybe has 5 years of shelf life left and her ovaries might be screaming.
If you are late 20s and good looking actor you shoukd be pulling younger models in there peak.
I would be cautious.
Just because she is "gorgeous" doesnt mean shyt and that she is any different. Treat her the same.
You already put her up on the pedestal.
And yes take the free car in your name and in writing. Why the fck not?
Yeah I know, judge women by their actions. I've been doing that so far and her actions have been great, like I said before I'm probably overthinking things because I don't usually get this far with women that I enjoy seeing. Usually there's an expectation of more commitment beyond just sex and when they see I'm unwilling to give them that they move on.

I could leave her at any time if things turn south, it's just that I DO like her so I'm working on how to deal with that part. The fact that I'm not spinning plates right now is moreso because girls I see out at bars and on dating apps come nowhere close to this girl in my opinion - her without makeup is better than most girls with.

I would say "struggling actor" is more accurate. I am good looking and I've gotten with plenty of girls and could continue to do so, I just think this girl is a knockout and treats me really well so I haven't really bothered since I started seeing her.

I don't know if I have her on a pedestal. I don't treat her better than I treat myself or raise her above others, but I do care about her and I do invest my time in her.

I don't like the idea of charity. If things end up working on long-term I don't want to feel like this woman has to babysit and take care of me financially since she's at a much better place than I am currently. From what I've listened to with Patrice it sounds like the best way to do this is to be on as equal footing as possible - she has to fight me to allow her to pay for me when we go out and usually we only balance that out by her making up what I pay with her treating me to other things...like I got a hotel room for example on her birthday and she wanted to pay me back so she paid for dinner, for example. Her ex supposedly borrowed something like $65k to start a construction company before they broke up so she doesn't expect to ever see that money again.

you're already way to invested in this chick, enjoy the ride and stop worrying about the future or where it goes. Remember, she's not yours, it's just your turn dude. Have fun, spin plates and stop fretting about if it lasts cause chances are it wont, with any woman.
That's fair. I've only been in 2 serious relationships and have been a man***** otherwise. I'm not so great with the sweet stuff so I just came her to get opinions from some of the more experienced guys about how to maintain what I think is a great situation so far without overdoing it.

Your first instinct is correct. you are overthinking. Just kick back and have fun and stop worrying about what may or may not happen because you do not have any control over that.

Don't fall for anything any woman says about her past... she might be telling the truth, but in my experience a vast majority of women will lie about her sexual past, unless you put out the vibe that you just don't care what she has done. If she thinks you are open sexually, she'll tell you, then OMG... you might be shocked what they have done and are willing to do.

Don't have unprotected sex with a chick that has hit her 30s, never had a kid, and just came off a long relationship, unless your plan is to become a baby daddy.
Yeah we've had a drunken conversation about this a few times where I basically just tell her she can do what she wants, I'll do what I want, and we'll just enjoy each other's company. She was honest with me about the one guy she saw after I first hooked up with her and while I like the idea of a woman being "mine" even though we aren't dating, I know I would be a hypocrite if I try to control her while still hooking up with whoever I want. I could still do that, sure, I just haven't bothered since my weekends have been spent with her.

This is something I'm not too worried about. She has no kids, does not yet want kids, is on birth control, and is clean STD-wise (which is why she was willing to have unprotected sex with me). I figure that if she is dishonest about her birth control she has a whole lot more to lose than me, considering her financial status.
 

Tilex

Master Don Juan
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I don't take the age gap seriously, I just know that most of the time it's an older and better off financially man with a younger woman. She jokes that I'm too young to know certain shows, movies, songs and I joke about stuff like her favorite movies were in black and white, her first car was horse-drawn, her music was all played on vinyl, etc.
WTF??
It's only a 5 year difference. That's hardly an age gap.
The way you two joked about this age gap thing sounded ridiculous!

12 or more years in age difference is when you can start joking about it.
 
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