Going nowhere way too fast.

[bigstik]

Hey everyone. I already know a lot of the right answers to my problem, but I guess I need a little encouragement and vision. I've been seeing this girl for six months now. We have problems, and we have good times. I recently wrote in here about how she relapses in getting over her ex. That hasn't been an issue for a little time now. Here is that link

So anyways, to update that, there was an emergency that happened in our lives that prevented me from taking the action. A plus is that we went through something, and we are closer because of it.

Here is what is eating at me. If you recall, I said that she is commitment shy. From the beginning, she said she was not looking for a relationship, she just got out of a bad one, she wants to be free. I have never pressured her into a commitment, but have said that if she was going to screw around to count me out. We have even ended it all, only for her to beg me back into her life. But still I never made her commit. It is against my ideas to do so, and I have too much pride.

We have had talks, initiated by her, about where we stand. She asks me every now and then if I know where this is going. If I know what I am doing. Sometimes she will even ask me if I am in love with her. My answers to these questions are usually vague. I tell her I am where I want to be. I won't ask her to commit, but I will tell her honestly that I do not want to share her with anyone. And that if she wants to see others, then that is fine, but I don't want to be part of that. I never say anything to her questions of love.

During these talks she will seem a little confused and stressed, and will say that she just isn't wanting a relationship. I always feel confused, though I keep my cool. Why is she so concerned whether or not I love her, why does she keep trying to get me to demand a relationship? And then say that she doesn't want a relationship, when that is exactly what we have?

I used to not care, but it has been six months. I admit, this is really breaking my heart right about now. I have begun taking precautionary steps, and trying to detach slowly, so that I can tell her I am tired of being her invisible man. It is just so hard. I practically live with her. I haven't slept anywhere but by her side for 2 months straight. Tonight I went out of town to visit relatives, and part of that reason was so that I could do without her for one night.

I know that the easiest way to clear up her "confusion" is to step out of her life, but I am just not sure exactly how to do it. If I am too friendly, she may not even feel it. So I definately want it to be a "break up" vibe when I do this. Like the ultimatum, but a little slicker.

Something along the lines of "if this isn't what you want, then you shouldn't have it, and I shouldn't be giving it to you ANd maybe we should just let it go."

I am just really sad and confused right now. Why doesn't she want me to claim her, and vice versa? Why won't she give in to our feelings? I might sound really AFC right now, but believe me I have been the coolest guy about this. She wants me to beg, and I won't. I am losing my cool.

A few points to keep in mind:
1. She chased me from the beginning
2. I have ended things, only to have her beg me to come back into her life
3. This isn't just sex. We do everything together. She is my best friend right now.
4. She has mentioned all of her previous ex's begged her to commit to them, and she finally caved in.

 

[bigstik]

Waiting patiently, guys.

Not exactly patiently, as I already brought it up and then left her (yesterday that is). But I still would appreciate advice, criticism, other enlightenments and encouragements you all might provide. Please, jump in! And women advice is welcome here!

 

[WaterTiger]

Bigstik, you poor, sweet darling!

The last time you posted about this chick, pretty much everyone told you to dump this girl. Now it's several months later and you have the same problem...what to do with the girl.

It's the classic "You-make-all-the-decisions-so-I-can-blame-you-later" game. She wants YOU do demand a relationship so if it goes bad she can say "It was all YOUR idea!" She's afraid to make any moves on her own; (as previously mentioned in the statement that all her past BF's had to beg her to commit & she finally caved.)

I'm starting to wonder if her BF is really a stalker...or if she "trained" him to BE a stalker by her insistance that he "beg her to commit"??? I really think this si verging on an unhealthy relationship.

I'm going to say it again Bigstik: "NEXT HER!"

 

[coldcoal]

I've discovered there are some women out there that will nearly never get over a person. Something that can go on for years at a time. She will move on not completely willing and date other people, several people in fact while bringing that "longing" into each "relationship". There may even be times when she proclaims this new person makes her very happy, but it's usually temporary, especially if this past person pops into her daily life now and again purely by coincidence (as it would be if they lived in the same general area).

The threat here isn't that the ex will return and steal her from you, but that he actually never will. She is in a way waiting & hoping for something that will never happen.

Despite that, I've seen these women chase! They want to get over it because it tears them up sometimes. And sometimes they feel like they are over it. It's almost as if they are "cured" and feel the need to take some action to prove to themselves they are cured. It is almost always temporary.

What Watertiger has said is very important, regardless if we are talking stalkers or just a guy that has 100% moved on. In that, trying to make this work out is, in my own words, equal to taking on the risk of losing her painfully. The issue in such cases isn't if the woman's feelings are genuine or not, but that it is in the possibility of other unlikely things that she needs to know that she wasn't the one who initiated the commitment. She was vocally hesitant all along.

You obviously know what not to do.

I don't know if this hits close to home for you or not, but I thought it was worth a mention.

 

[bigstik]

Originally posted by WaterTiger


I'm starting to wonder if her BF is really a stalker...or if she "trained" him to BE a stalker by her insistance that he "beg her to commit"??? I really think this is verging on an unhealthy relationship.

Oh my God, the accuracy of this perception. You have no idea how on point you sound, THIS is the stuff I come here for! Man.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

This is a very unnatural state to be in for a man - it is usually the man that doesn't want to 'committ'!!

You have put yourself in a very very very weak position - you know it is a weak position that is why you bailed out or at least pretended to! You gave her all of the control!!!

I personaly would never devote myself to a woman like this - her loyalty to you is nil, nada, nothing!

You have 'oneitis' with a woman who is not committed to you - how strange is that???

She lets you screw her and lets you lie with her til morning - so she is committed that way but not in the way of her heart - how strange but yet so typical of women/hors today.

She is a lonely girl and only wants your or should I say a man's company - she has you for selfish reasons and she does not have your best interest at heart! Do not get emotionaly attached to a woman like this.

To tell you the truth - you are just the next pimp in line - do not look at her for anything more than this! The ho gives you her tw@t but not her heart or soul - she is not 'commmittment' worthy, so why even ask her or desire her for a relationship???

 

[bigstik]

I hear you Puerto rican lover, but just so you all know, this was indeed a committed relationship. She knew if she wanted me, she couldn't even date other men. Her friends and even family referred to me as Husband. Everyone was comfortable with our relationship-except her. Which is so frustrating and hurtful to me. So I broke it off a few days ago. But it is hard. I need support!

And whenever I would break it off, she'd get very upset. That is the only time she'd admit to what we had, then accuse me of ruining something great. WTF? This is hard. Please more support! She will be back any day, crying, "Lets atleast be friends..."

And what do I say to that ****? That hurts my pride. I want to appear cool throughout this, and that being friends ****, man if I say no, then I don't seem in control and cool. If I say yes, well, I can't even pretend to be just friends. Neither can she really. What the ****????

 

[NewMan]

My guess is that she's played this game through all her life.

It wouldn't surprise me if she was a hottie- and thus the reason the guys continue to chase her.

Have you learnt nothing?

Back off - continue to fvck her, but tell her that you want an open relationship.

You see, no one has probably ever treated her that way.

You should.


You should fvck her and her mind.

 

[WaterTiger]

NO! Do not continue to have sex with her, DO NOT "be her friend". This chick is already screwed up in the head. Every moment you spend with her reinforces her odd behavior.

Nothing is her fault, everyone is ruining things for her, she has no control over the cruel winds of fate that blow her from one drama to another. Or so she thinks. By playing the victim, getting guys to beg her to commit to them is what makes her feel valuable.

The girl is a professional victim! DON'T HELP HER!

Don't you see how she wants you to chase her? Then when you back off, she panics! She weeps and moans to get you back then wants YOU to beg her to commit. She has deep, twisted self-esteem issues. You deserve better than this Bigstik!

 

[NewMan]

No one said anything about commiting to this chickie...

We are taliing about fvcking her.

Fvck her - and be done with her.

Don't worry about her BS. You call her - she comes over - you fvck her - she leaves.

Nice and easy.

Don't get emotionaly invovled.

Botty call her a##.

 

[bigstik]

Originally posted by NewMan

Don't worry about her BS. You call her - she comes over - you fvck her - she leaves.

Nice and easy.

Don't get emotionaly invovled.

Botty call her a##.

No offense, NewMan, but I really don't need or want a booty call. I never really got much out of that. Don't really understand those who do. Yes, it may indeed **** with her mind, but that is going too far, IMO. I am not willing to stoop that low.

I just wonder...if my girl was a guy, say the situation was reversed, and I was a woman upset about my man not committing, even though he would do all these things (chase me when I finally leave, ect.), would it be the same advice? It seems like men are told here not to commit, and it is quite an awe if a woman is the one not to commit. Ideas?

Fvuck! I miss her! I am going nuuuts.

Watertiger, can you help me out on how to deal with her wanting "to be friends"?

 

[NewMan]

In my opinion there is no being friends.

Unless you can get past it, it will fvck with you in the long term.

Having read your latest post's I say get out of this and move on as fast as you can.

She doesn't want to commit.

She having her cake (you) and eating it (no comitment) right now.

I don't think there's anything else to think about here.

Can you handle beign friends? really handle it?

I think not, because it's going to stop you meeting other chicks. You'll be giving, she will be taking.

Trust me - from someone who has been there - your best bet here is to move on and get over your One-I-tis.


Thats my thoughts.

 

[bigstik]

Originally posted by NewMan


Can you handle beign friends? really handle it?

I think not, because it's going to stop you meeting other chicks. .

a HA. See, this helps. I am just grappling with my reasoning when she comes crying to me. I don't want to seem bitter or sore, and I didn't know what I would say to her as for why I don't want to be friends. But this

Originally posted by NewMan I think not, because it's going to stop you meeting other chicks. .

is a great, nonchalant reason I can say. Thanks! Keep it coming!

 

[FratAndDiddy]

man o man o man bro !
does this sound like me in my 20's?

you're playing with FIRE dude and it's gonna hurt when you get burnt !

do you really want to be friends with her or do you just like to torture yourself?

piece of mind is a much better deal than a piece of azz !

 

[NewMan]

a HA. See, this helps. I am just grappling with my reasoning when she comes crying to me. I don't want to seem bitter or sore, and I didn't know what I would say to her as for why I don't want to be friends. But this

When she comes crying back to you? Don't take her back - she wants to be free remember?

 

[bigstik]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! I MISS HER!!!! I JUST WANT TO CALL HER UP, OR JUST HANG OUT LIKE NORMAL, OR GO GRAB SOMETHING TO EAT, OR WATCH A MOVIE, LIKE NORMAL....

THIS IS SO STUPID!!! WE ARE GREAT TOGETHER, MISERABLE APART, WHHHYYYYY IS SHE SO RETARDED??!?!?!?!?


Got to...keep...away...from......the phone.......

 

[NewMan]

You think you were great together - because right now you can only think and see the good things. Or what you percieve is the good things....

Reality - is probably far off this.

To think you've had your problems - specifically regarding her ex. You've also stated that she's a commitment phobe...

Hmmm doesn't sound to great to me.

Sure when you guys are together - you've probably had good times....

But add into this situation all of the cr#p you've put up with....

Guys seem to have a problem with this. I know I do/have. We only see the good - we don't think of the bad. We idolize all of the good times - and we forget the times when she was sh#tty to us.


Think about it.


Don't pick up the phone whatever you do. Trust me.

 

[WaterTiger]

Originally posted by bigstik

WaterTiger, can you help me out on how to deal with her wanting "to be friends"?

It's very simple...DON'T! Don't take her calls, don't read her e-mails, don't answer the dorr if she drops by. Don't visit with her if you run into her at the store.

You have to cut her completely out of your life. I know it's hard, and I know it drives you crazy, but for your own sanity, you have to be strong. She will drive you to madness if you try to be friends.

Listen to your Aunt WaterTiger! GET AWAY FROM THIS GIRL!

 

[NoMore]

First, I am a big advocate of friendship, I do believe you can be friends with a girl even if you are attracted to her. I really value friendships and relationships in general. It might sound trite or cliche but thats what I think life is really about.

That said... I have done both your decisions here...

The first girl I was seeing for about 8 or 9 months and we couldn't agree on the relationship/commitment so I stopped talking to her and seeing her all together. It killed me, for months I wished I hadn't done that but I stuck by my decision. She called about 8 times the first week and then nothing until about 3 months later when I finally started getting over her. I didn't answer and didn't call her back then either.
I just happened to run into her in a bar about 6 months after all this went down and she told me that she loved me more than anyone in the world, and she was moving in with some dude. The only thing I think about is how I could have handled it differently...just trying to learn from this.

The second time was the one I posted about in your other thread. Being a friend is waaay different from being a boyfriend/lover, and that is the angle I am taking now. Show her what she gets for being a friend versus what she had or could have had when there was a relationship. I realize this will be somewhat difficult but I can do it. (If I can't, I will post here so you can all b1tch at me )

This might fail or backfire but atleast I will have the first hand experience to learn from.