Hello Friend,

If this is your first visit to SoSuave, I would advise you to START HERE.

It will be the most efficient use of your time.

And you will learn everything you need to know to become a huge success with women.

Thank you for visiting and have a great day!

Girlfriend Has Texted Male Friend for Two Years

3AM

Don Juan
Joined
Oct 24, 2021
Messages
34
Reaction score
37
Age
37
I found out that my girl has been texting a dude she went on a date with in 2018 before we met. She claims that the guy was a drinker and a smoker and that turned her off. The never kissed or even touched (they went on one date). However, she has kept texting the guy as friend. The texts are mundane (mostly about how their days are going and current events). She saved his number under a woman’s name on her phone because she felt guilty to have conversations with them. They were going to meet again in August 2021 to go for a walk. She called him and told him she has a boyfriend and that they are not to exchange text messages anymore. She has not spoken to the guy since. She claims that nothing ever happened. I read the texts. She initiated an invitation to go on a walk with him and accepted his invitation to take her out to eat, but she claims it never happened. The texts end in early August 2021.

She has been an excellent girlfriend (committed, respectful, loving, initiates contact, bends over backwards for me, goes out of her way to help me). I have dated many women and this type is difficult to find. She is inactive in social media. This girl does not even dance with other men out of respect for our relationship. She can be naive and innocent in her thinking and I do not believe there was malicious intent. In fact, she stopped talking to him by her own will. I found out about all this through her texts (phone was open). On one hand, she claims she did not do anything beyond texting. On the other hand, hiding a guy under a woman’s name is not a good sign.

I met this woman’s parents. I am the first guy she has brought home. I am her first LTR and the first man she has loved. She was a virgin when we met. We are an excellent match in values, personalities, humor and life goals. She does not really have friendships. She claims she only wanted to have a friendship with this dude after she realized she was not interested in him. She has a history of having friends who are not kind to her (females). She appears to have self-esteem issues and has a hard time making friends so she takes friends as they come. This appears to be related to that weakness.

Please keep comments mature and constructive. I moved to a city 400 miles away and she stopped contact with this dude (before I found out) a month before I left. She is moving 400 miles to be close to me. She also gave up wanting to get married in order to keep her relationship with me. The woman apologized profusely for not telling me about this matter. She wept for hours when I confronted her and told me she would be happy to delete her social media accounts altogether.
Wow, I read this an instantly know how you are feeling.

Having been through instances like this myself.....listen to the advice of your fellow men. If it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck,....well you get the point.

Kids know what they are doing when they take cookies they aren't supposed to and try to hide it. Adults are no different. It's the fact there was conscious choices made on her part.

Think of it, if the tables were turned you know exactly what you yourself would be doing if you did this.

There is no justification. Everyone dances when they are called out and come up with flowery excuses.

Don't cave to your desire to find a woman you can give yourself to, out of idealistic love in the future.
 

metalwater

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jun 23, 2019
Messages
1,605
Reaction score
1,319
Location
random
Sheesh. I have just explained ad nauseum that

A. I agree the deception is a problem
B. She needs to mature, grow & change
C. No hall pass given
D. Find the root cause. There IS a root cause.

I don’t know what difficulty there is in reading comprehension.

She is not here seeking advice. He is. Good advice is to find out why this occurred so as to prevent it happening again. He’s already taken her to task. Now he needs to look deeper at the why. Might be rooted with her, might be rooted with him. He needs to sort that out.
OP does not sound like he just fell of the turnip truck type. He gets it and is looking for reasons to accept it and I get that. I would make it harder to accept instead of easier because it is not ok and means that the interest level is not at max. He may be far ahead of her in provider ability and she is going to do and say anything to protect that if none are equal or better within reach.

A. communicating in a nonprofessional manner and topics in SECRET is a mammoth issue, not a small problem.
B. it is not maturing, but choosing integrity and honesty. not easy choices all of the time.
C. fool me once... fool me twice it's on me...
D. how can he possibly be the root cause, it would take additional information to even consider that. All we know is that she lied about keeping friends with another man that wants to get with her and has spent isolation time with her in the past. Wrong on every level.

This story has huge overlaps with one of my own, right down to the description of the girl. he might be able to manage it but something is off. If it's within his means, spending half a year with the girl in her hometown would be interesting. It's different being around for some time versus visiting for a month or so. His viewpoint of her that he has gotten from her is very very clean.
 

BeExcellent

Master Don Juan
Joined
Dec 16, 2015
Messages
3,542
Reaction score
4,852
Age
52
For @LoboSolitario and @metalwater there is no shaming and I never took the girls side.

Lobo is reading the posts with bias and I am not introducing bias. There is no unraveling going on over here.

What none of you seem to acknowledge is the need for root cause analysis. Might be her interest level being off, might be her upbringing might be her straight up being shady. We don’t know. Might be him being difficult to talk to, being jealous, being controlling. We don’t know.

That is for OP to work out & sort through.

I’m sure he will weigh what he knows about her, himself, the situation and go from there.

It’s a learning & growth opportunity for them both.

Cheers
 

catsmeow

Senior Don Juan
Joined
Apr 25, 2021
Messages
259
Reaction score
159
This is not fvcking snooping and this is a perfect example of how you are being disingenuous.
Read my post again dude, using critical thinking this time.

I did NOT say sticking a keyboard logger on her phone was snooping, two entirely different things.

Although I DO think the keyboard logger suggestion was deceptive (my opinion and not my scene) but I agree it's NOT snooping. I listed those two actions as separate.

Re your remark telling me to "wake the fukk up" not sure why you're so angry at me (or perhaps I DO know), I disagreed with you, so what, big whoop.

Ps: I responded with a different post earlier, but deleted it. Perhaps you read, perhaps not.

In any event, get a hold of yourself, it's embarrassing
 
Last edited:

Grounded eagle

Senior Don Juan
Joined
Nov 10, 2020
Messages
364
Reaction score
309
Age
23
The only reasons I can see for her behavior (and they are not me justifying the behavior, please note, nor defending the behavior) are the following:

These are in no particular order…

1. She is attention seeking from the other dude.

This dovetails into her relationship like it or not. While the BF should not necessarily be her emotional tampon, he has taught her what she knows about sexuality and if she is really that conservative in her background, then the BF does need to give her emotional bandwidth and communicate with her. He should make himself available emotionally if he has not (we can’t know from the discussion thus far) and she should not feel the need to absorb attention from other men that have interest in her. But that conversation was filling some sort of need she has or had. It’s important to identify what that unmet need in her is because that’s how you prevent this from recurring. Making demands isn’t the way. She did FZ him in the end but there was a connection.

This is a symptom of something lacking in the relationship.

2. She has influences in her life telling her this is how to handle things.

She is from a Latin culture. Often the men are super macho and super jealous in Latin culture. My Latin exBF certainly was. Often inappropriately so. We do not know what this girl’s mother or aunt or other influencers in her life have advised her to do. I simply point this out because the women in Latin culture tend to be direct conflict averse and might subvert things rather than be straight up about things. I have many Latina friends. This is a thing because it’s easier than dealing with the machismo. These ladies will justify it by saying “well, it’s nothing but it might make him mad, so I’ll not disclose it.” I’m not saying that’s the right way…but there is an element of cultural influence possibly at play.

3. She was keeping a backup.

Possibly. I doubt it but it’s possible. If true this again points to issues in their relationship dynamic. If the primary relationship is great and solid she won’t keep a back up. Are her emotional needs being met by BF? Not sure. He needs to make an effort there, which again insulates things so she no longer feels the need to relate to another man.

And if she’s this naïve it could be actual cluelessness. The OP seems to think this is it to a great degree.

Posters who think she has slept with the guy are not paying attention really to the thread. This girl gave her virginity to OP, and has no sexual experience outside of him.

This is a LTR. PUA game really isn’t the focus here. Frame and communication are most important in LTRs.
It is also possible that OP is speaking from the perspective of a guy seeing things through rose tinted glasses.
 

image

"If you love women, you must read the SoSuave Guide to Women. It's fantastic!"

Modern Man Advice

Master Don Juan
Joined
Feb 3, 2021
Messages
908
Reaction score
1,307
Location
PNW
Read my post again dude, using critical thinking this time.

I did NOT say sticking a keyboard logger on her phone was snooping, two entirely different things.

Although I DO think the keyboard logger suggestion was deceptive (my opinion and not my scene) but I agree it's NOT snooping. I listed those two actions as separate.

Re your remark telling me to "wake the fukk up" not sure why you're so angry at me (or perhaps I DO know), I disagreed with you, so what, big whoop.

Ps: I responded with a different post earlier, but deleted it. Perhaps you read, perhaps not.

In any event, get a hold of yourself, it's embarrassing
I do not know what @LoboSolitario said because this is one of a few members here I am ignoring so I don't wasting my time. I suggest you do the same. His mindset, thought process, and opinions are idiotic.

Be the better person, don't engage with him. Ignore him. Focus on other members that could use your advice/knowledge.


Modern Man Advice
 

catsmeow

Senior Don Juan
Joined
Apr 25, 2021
Messages
259
Reaction score
159
I do not know what @LoboSolitario said because this is one of a few members here I am ignoring so I don't wasting my time. I suggest you do the same. His mindset, thought process, and opinions are idiotic.

Be the better person, don't engage with him. Ignore him. Focus on other members that could use your advice/knowledge.


Modern Man Advice
Thank you, great advice! :up:
 

Barrister

Master Don Juan
Joined
Apr 28, 2018
Messages
1,383
Reaction score
1,938
Age
35
Barrister, I think you might have misunderstood. I don't think any of the men on this forum are in a "sad state," I meant (and thought I said) many traditional relationships are in a sad state with all the jealousy, possessiveness, co-dependency etc. JMO based on what I have witnessed and experienced in my real life.

I agree with you I do NOT think the OP was jealous. He was concerned that his girl may be cheating and used the typical method in traditional relationships of finding that out, he snooped. Another poster suggested placing a keyboard logger on her phone.

This I do NOT agree with, I think it's deceitful and wrong. It certainly won't foster anything even remotely resembling trust which is the cornerstone of relationships, whether traditional or non-traditional. Open and honest communication is the only way to go and if he (or she) does not TRUST that their partner will be honest (at the very least), then end the relationship.

I would hope you and others would agree with that, if not, that's fine, you're entitled to your opinions.

Re Pan87, well I think he is a bit of a hypocrite on this forum if I am honest. He talks about not trusting women, asserts women don't tell the truth and resorts to deceitful methods of discovering information when HE himself was the one who lied to and cheated on his girlfriend for two years, while SHE was loyal and devoted.

I think perhaps SHE should have placed a keyboard logger on HIS phone. Might have saved her two years of being lied to, cheated on and deceived, just sayin.

Yeah I know he is self-admitted sociopath and sex addict, there IS help for that.
I apologize for the misinterpretation of what you were stating. I will only say that I think it may be a bit of an over-generalization to say that "traditional relationships", or the majority of them, are in a "sad state" - at least vis-a-vis any others. I think most relationships can be described that way (unfortunately) for a variety of reasons. It isn't limited to traditional relationships.

As for the idea of running covert reconnaissance on the woman, I agree that is a little silly. If someone is at a point they feel that they need to do that to their partner, it is time to simply end the LTR and move on.
 

Barrister

Master Don Juan
Joined
Apr 28, 2018
Messages
1,383
Reaction score
1,938
Age
35
The only reasons I can see for her behavior (and they are not me justifying the behavior, please note, nor defending the behavior) are the following:

These are in no particular order…

1. She is attention seeking from the other dude.

This dovetails into her relationship like it or not. While the BF should not necessarily be her emotional tampon, he has taught her what she knows about sexuality and if she is really that conservative in her background, then the BF does need to give her emotional bandwidth and communicate with her. He should make himself available emotionally if he has not (we can’t know from the discussion thus far) and she should not feel the need to absorb attention from other men that have interest in her. But that conversation was filling some sort of need she has or had. It’s important to identify what that unmet need in her is because that’s how you prevent this from recurring. Making demands isn’t the way. She did FZ him in the end but there was a connection.

This is a symptom of something lacking in the relationship.

2. She has influences in her life telling her this is how to handle things.

She is from a Latin culture. Often the men are super macho and super jealous in Latin culture. My Latin exBF certainly was. Often inappropriately so. We do not know what this girl’s mother or aunt or other influencers in her life have advised her to do. I simply point this out because the women in Latin culture tend to be direct conflict averse and might subvert things rather than be straight up about things. I have many Latina friends. This is a thing because it’s easier than dealing with the machismo. These ladies will justify it by saying “well, it’s nothing but it might make him mad, so I’ll not disclose it.” I’m not saying that’s the right way…but there is an element of cultural influence possibly at play.

3. She was keeping a backup.

Possibly. I doubt it but it’s possible. If true this again points to issues in their relationship dynamic. If the primary relationship is great and solid she won’t keep a back up. Are her emotional needs being met by BF? Not sure. He needs to make an effort there, which again insulates things so she no longer feels the need to relate to another man.

And if she’s this naïve it could be actual cluelessness. The OP seems to think this is it to a great degree.

Posters who think she has slept with the guy are not paying attention really to the thread. This girl gave her virginity to OP, and has no sexual experience outside of him.

This is a LTR. PUA game really isn’t the focus here. Frame and communication are most important in LTRs.
True - we are limited to what the OP has told us. It sounds like the relationship has been great outside of the fact she has had this orbiter/"friend" for two years that she has secretly communicated with under the guise of a woman in her phone. It could be any of the scenarios you mentioned as to why she is doing it. The bottom line is that is not acceptable behavior in an LTR that is supposed to be built on trust with another person.

This isn't to say that a man or woman can never have "friends" of the opposite sex while they are in a LTR (whether that is a good idea is a subject that has been debated on here ad nauseam and we don't need to get into). But the secretive nature of this was the major problem. The effort to cover it up is the biggest issue. That is most certainly a red flag - whether she is naive or inexperienced or not. And to be honest, women know how the game is played by their early 20s. I don't think she is nearly as innocent and clueless as some of us are guessing she is.
 

catsmeow

Senior Don Juan
Joined
Apr 25, 2021
Messages
259
Reaction score
159
As for the idea of running covert reconnaissance on the woman, I agree that is a little silly. If someone is at a point they feel that they need to do that to their partner, it is time to simply end the LTR and move on.
Thank you, aside from the ever-so-interesting off-topic discussion between @DonJuanjr and myself yesterday, this^ was all I was attempting to convey. That is the only logical course of action imho.

Without mutual trust, there is nothing.
 
Last edited:

metalwater

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jun 23, 2019
Messages
1,605
Reaction score
1,319
Location
random
For @LoboSolitario and @metalwater there is no shaming and I never took the girls side.

Lobo is reading the posts with bias and I am not introducing bias. There is no unraveling going on over here.

What none of you seem to acknowledge is the need for root cause analysis. Might be her interest level being off, might be her upbringing might be her straight up being shady. We don’t know. Might be him being difficult to talk to, being jealous, being controlling. We don’t know.

That is for OP to work out & sort through.

I’m sure he will weigh what he knows about her, himself, the situation and go from there.

It’s a learning & growth opportunity for them both.

Cheers
I pay attention to how and what words are chosen to tell something.
--
Being shady is the answer. Her reason to do that can be any of the things that you suggest.

I have been told it happens, but I have never seen firsthand a guy be jealous of the woman who avoids vibing with other men. never. controlling is also a reaction to vibing with other men. difficult to talk to is low interest on her part, never found a guy that is not easy for a high-interest woman to talk to or listen to. yes, it could be the upbringing, that has created shady character.
 

GT40

Senior Don Juan
Joined
Dec 29, 2016
Messages
349
Reaction score
215
Age
49
Location
Canada
If I was you, take a break. 30 days or so. She lied to you and was deceiving you.
This other man is in the picture for a reason. There is history there.
think it through.
 

stringpuller

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jun 21, 2017
Messages
7,768
Reaction score
5,392
Please keep comments mature and constructive.
How do we do this when this entire thing is so blind siding you it will flip you upside down.
Part of the RP toolbox is understanding womens inate natural covert tendencies. You dont seem to get that part. Im with the others that said you should have taken a step back but it looks like so many others you could not walk away.

This girl is NOT special.

Another example of the "sneaky bored girl"
They love it its in their DNA.
 
Last edited:

stringpuller

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jun 21, 2017
Messages
7,768
Reaction score
5,392
I pay attention to how and what words are chosen to tell something.
--
Being shady is the answer. Her reason to do that can be any of the things that you suggest.

I have been told it happens, but I have never seen firsthand a guy be jealous of the woman who avoids vibing with other men. never. controlling is also a reaction to vibing with other men. difficult to talk to is low interest on her part, never found a guy that is not easy for a high-interest woman to talk to or listen to. yes, it could be the upbringing, that has created shady character.
Sisterhood uber alles. You will get no were with that. Lol
 

image

Put away your credit card.

You can now read our detailed guide to women and dating for free - Right Here!

Willie Naylor

Banned
Joined
Nov 2, 2021
Messages
930
Reaction score
729
I wish OP a very happy future with his girl and her boyfriend.
 
Top