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Girlfriend Has Texted Male Friend for Two Years

Masculinity

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I found out that my girl has been texting a dude she went on a date with in 2018 before we met. She claims that the guy was a drinker and a smoker and that turned her off. The never kissed or even touched (they went on one date). However, she has kept texting the guy as friend. The texts are mundane (mostly about how their days are going and current events). She saved his number under a woman’s name on her phone because she felt guilty to have conversations with them. They were going to meet again in August 2021 to go for a walk. She called him and told him she has a boyfriend and that they are not to exchange text messages anymore. She has not spoken to the guy since. She claims that nothing ever happened. I read the texts. She initiated an invitation to go on a walk with him and accepted his invitation to take her out to eat, but she claims it never happened. The texts end in early August 2021.

She has been an excellent girlfriend (committed, respectful, loving, initiates contact, bends over backwards for me, goes out of her way to help me). I have dated many women and this type is difficult to find. She is inactive in social media. This girl does not even dance with other men out of respect for our relationship. She can be naive and innocent in her thinking and I do not believe there was malicious intent. In fact, she stopped talking to him by her own will. I found out about all this through her texts (phone was open). On one hand, she claims she did not do anything beyond texting. On the other hand, hiding a guy under a woman’s name is not a good sign.

I met this woman’s parents. I am the first guy she has brought home. I am her first LTR and the first man she has loved. She was a virgin when we met. We are an excellent match in values, personalities, humor and life goals. She does not really have friendships. She claims she only wanted to have a friendship with this dude after she realized she was not interested in him. She has a history of having friends who are not kind to her (females). She appears to have self-esteem issues and has a hard time making friends so she takes friends as they come. This appears to be related to that weakness.

Please keep comments mature and constructive. I moved to a city 400 miles away and she stopped contact with this dude (before I found out) a month before I left. She is moving 400 miles to be close to me. She also gave up wanting to get married in order to keep her relationship with me. The woman apologized profusely for not telling me about this matter. She wept for hours when I confronted her and told me she would be happy to delete her social media accounts altogether.
 
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Bingo-Player

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I would be tempted to temporarily end things , take a 3 month break from her and make her work for your attention again

I did this for 6 months with an ex GF by the end she was begging me to get back with her , her eyes never wondered again

Sometimes you have to demonstrate your ability to walk away and not look back

This is ultimate punishment for a woman
 

bmp2cpm

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What I am hearing is there are many advantages to this woman as your GF.

However:

1) she was deceitful by hiding him in her contacts

2) at some point in time she was using him as an emotional crutch because she was not getting what she needed from you

3) she clearly has some issues you like, but I suspect you haven’t seen or considered the flip side of those issues. Hint: 1&2 is the tip of the iceberg for those issues

You should be in a relationship where the chemistry is so insane that she never thinks about other men and does not disrespect you through her actions.

My recommendation is eject, learn, and move on. Life is too short for this. You deserve better, but I don’t think you know that yet.
 

Barrister

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I found out that my girl has been texting a dude she went on a date with in 2018 before we met. She claims that the guy was a drinker and a smoker and that turned her off. The never kissed or even touched (they went on one date). However, she has kept texting the guy as friend. The texts are mundane (mostly about how their days are going and current events). She saved his number under a woman’s name on her phone because she felt guilty to have conversations with them. They were going to meet again in August 2021 to go for a walk. She called him and told him she has a boyfriend and that they are not to exchange text messages anymore. She has not spoken to the guy since. She claims that nothing ever happened. I read the texts. She initiated an invitation to go on a walk with him and accepted his invitation to take her out to eat, but she claims it never happened. The texts end in early August 2021.

She has been an excellent girlfriend (committed, respectful, loving, initiates contact, bends over backwards for me, goes out of her way to help me). I have dated many women and this type is difficult to find. She is inactive in social media. This girl does not even dance with other men out of respect for our relationship. She can be naive and innocent in her thinking and I do not believe there was malicious intent. In fact, she stopped talking to him by her own will. I found out about all this through her texts (phone was open). On one hand, she claims she did not do anything beyond texting. On the other hand, hiding a guy under a woman’s name is not a good sign.

I met this woman’s parents. I am the first guy she has brought home. I am her first LTR and the first man she has loved. She was a virgin when we met. We are an excellent match in values, personalities, humor and life goals. She does not really have friendships. She claims she only wanted to have a friendship with this dude after she realized she was not interested in him. She has a history of having friends who are not kind to her (females). She appears to have self-esteem issues and has a hard time making friends so she takes friends as they come. This appears to be related to that weakness.

Please keep comments mature and constructive. I moved to a city 400 miles away and she stopped contact with this dude (before I found out) a month before I left. She is moving 400 miles to be close to me. She also gave up wanting to get married in order to keep her relationship with me. The woman apologized profusely for not telling me about this matter. She wept for hours when I confronted her and told me she would be happy to delete her social media accounts altogether.
The fact you are here making this post to us tells me your inner warning bells are going off. Your gut is telling you something is off. One thing I have learned is to always trust my gut. Don’t make excuses for the behavior. If she’s having a bad day cut some slack if she’s temporarily bitchy - it happens. But if she’s hiding the true identity of another man in her phone? Yeah - that’s a red flag right there. That goes to trustworthiness. And even if she’s moving to you - it could happen with another person if she’s doing it already. This type of latent personality issue (attention/validation seeking) get worse the longer the relationship goes and monotony sets in - not better.

You may consider ejecting or at the very least telling her the behavior is unacceptable. If you find after that conversation it didn’t stop 100% you’re gone - absolutely no excuses. That’s my two cents.
 

PRW63

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If she has been texting him for two years and he isn't her "BF" yet, then he is so deep in the Friend Zone he will never get out alive. He is no threat. If that guy came here asking for advice we'd call him a SIMP and tell him to quit being stupid and stop wasting his time on her.
Please keep comments mature and constructive. I moved to a city 400 miles away and she stopped contact with this dude (before I found out) a month before I left. She is moving 400 miles to be close to me. She also gave up wanting to get married in order to keep her relationship with me
She isn't going to do all that for a guy if he is Second Fiddle.

Stop complaining or you will actually create the very problem you think you are trying to solve. There is nothing more annoying to a woman than an insecure BF who is always looking over his should and ready to blame her for something on a moment's notice.
 

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rjc149

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The never kissed or even touched (they went on one date). However, she has kept texting the guy as friend.

She saved his number under a woman’s name on her phone because she felt guilty to have conversations with them.

She called him and told him she has a boyfriend and that they are not to exchange text messages anymore.
My gut tells me she hooked up with this guy. She's gone through some lengths to hide him from you, and she has expressed guilt about their relationship.

Why would a woman feel the need to hide a 100% platonic male friend, and then cut him off, if he poses no threat to her boyfriend? Think this through clearly.

In my experience, women prefer to lie over having confrontations that they know will be hurtful to a man. This is rooted in evolutionary biology, where sending a man into emotional turmoil could be fatal for a woman. They will omit events or key facts. They will tell half-truths. They will trickle-truth, or tell the truth in installments. They will sugar-coat. They will outright deny events that happened.

Remember, the best lies use the truth.

Watch out.
 

Modern Man Advice

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She saved his number under a woman’s name on her phone because she felt guilty to have conversations with them.
This, right here. HUUUUUGGGGGEEEEEEE red flag.

Like @Barrister said, trust your gut instinct. You came here to share this for a reason. Trust that reason and act accordingly.

Modern Man Advice
 

Robert28

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So they only went on one date and they’ve only ever texted since then for 2 years? Do they never hangout besides that one date?
 

LARaiders85

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She is bored, she probably did more with him than she is letting on, but these days you have to expect this sort of behavior. Just continue dating but don't be so loyal since she is getting bored with your relationship clearly
 

Barrister

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Sorry to read that this happened to you. However...
There is no "because."
There is only deceit.

You can leave her now and leave with your dignity,
... or you remain with her, self-deluded and with future misery.
I think he could set a very hard boundary/give an ultimatum. This may temporarily fix the issue. My experience with this type of woman though (and unfortunately I have them) is that even after a conversation where she agrees to cease the behavior, it is only temporary. And once it starts again she will find ways to be even more deceptive in her actions than before. Ejection is probably the right move.
 

speed dawg

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I'm guessing this girl isn't nearly as innocent as you make her out to be. Virgin? LOL.

But on the other hand, who cares? How serious were you during all this time? Was she living with you? Were you a 'no-doubt' couple? Need more information. Did you ever have any reason to doubt her before you went through her phone?
 

rjc149

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I don't think immediate ejection is necessary, but it's not bad advice. Deceit about something like this is not something you should forgive. There must always be a true willingness to walk away, permanently, from any woman.

I would just make peace with the looming end of this relationship, and have fun on the ride out.
 

BeExcellent

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I’m with @PRW63 on this one. Relax! Pay attention however. I mean we are nearly to November. This girl gave you her virginity and loves you & is a good girlfriend and there was nothing racy in the texts. So she ended the interaction and never disclosed it…(wait for it)

Because you freak out. That’s why you are here (you are freaking out).

Your girlfriend knows you better than we do. She knows if his name pops up on her phone you are going to lose it. So she didn’t want to deal with that. It’s a drag to deal with jealousy when you aren’t doing anything wrong.

I have a number of male friends. A few of which I dated for a date or two before they went in the FZ. They text. They call. Sometimes when they call I simply hand the phone to BF & let him chat with them. I always have to explain the nature of the friendship to my guy. Additionally one of his best friends is a woman he dated for 2 years. They are no longer together and she has become a good friend of mine…BF has gotten to know several of my guy friends too and it’s all fine.

But this takes maturity and a willingness to go through whatever discomfort your partner experiences. Many people are too conflict averse to stomach that discomfort. Your girlfriend is one of these people. She didn’t want to deal with your freak out.

This points to two land mines in the relationship.

1. OP is jealous. Jealousy is ALWAYS a reflection on the jealous party. It’s a very unattractive trait because it belies fear and insecurity which are also unattractive. So this is a drag for the other person to deal with. She chose not to deal with your jealous nature. This is something OP needs to work on. She also chose to end the interaction with the friend (who was probably an orbiter).

2. She doesn’t feel she can disclose things to you that you won’t like. That’s a huge problem and it has more to do with you than with her. Examine this situation closely. Did you train her to hide things from you by freaking out over every little thing?

I don’t like that she labeled this guy with a girl’s name in her phone either, but since she’s otherwise been a great gal who treats you well you need to look honestly at your behavior.

I tell my BF what I’m doing and with whom. If he asks who texted etc. I hand him my phone. He can read whatever he wants. Recently I heard from a man I hadn’t conversed with in some time. This is someone I chat with maybe 5 times a year. A YEAR! And he’s got his own relationships and dating prospects…the BF got jealous. I asked him straight up did he want me to stop being so transparent about people in my life? He stopped and thought about that for a minute. He said no that he likes the transparency. I said well, then please don’t freak out when I’m being open and transparent. The freak out creates conflict and discourages honesty.

Now yes you can make the argument that I should ditch all my friends etc. I’m not doing that as these are people who have been stalwart in my life and stood by me through tough times. And I embrace his female friends.

Now. If someone really is an orbiter rather than a friend? That’s different and I see that might be the OP’s situation. In that case you cut contact. Which his girlfriend did without him demanding she do so.

I get the sense that these two are pretty young. She may be a little naïve but is learning. Her job is to thwart attempts of interlopers to erode the relationship. She seems to have done this in the end.

My advice to OP would be to drop this and drive on, but pay attention going forward. My advice would also be to work on being less reactive so your partner can communicate potentially conflict laden issues with a feeling that it’s safe to discuss those things with you.

My $.02
 

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Black Widow Void

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As a women, you’re more qualified to answer this question:

When a woman (supposedly) gives her virginity to a man, is she more prone to emotionally cheat/deceive on this very man?

Clearly, she has.
I look forward to reading your justification for such actions.


I’m with @PRW63 on this one. Relax! Pay attention however. I mean we are nearly to November. This girl gave you her virginity and loves you & is a good girlfriend and there was nothing racy in the texts. So she ended the interaction and never disclosed it…(wait for it)

Because you freak out. That’s why you are here (you are freaking out).

Your girlfriend knows you better than we do. She knows if his name pops up on her phone you are going to lose it. So she didn’t want to deal with that. It’s a drag to deal with jealousy when you aren’t doing anything wrong.

I have a number of male friends. A few of which I dated for a date or two before they went in the FZ. They text. They call. Sometimes when they call I simply hand the phone to BF & let him chat with them. I always have to explain the nature of the friendship to my guy. Additionally one of his best friends is a woman he dated for 2 years. They are no longer together and she has become a good friend of mine…BF has gotten to know several of my guy friends too and it’s all fine.

But this takes maturity and a willingness to go through whatever discomfort your partner experiences. Many people are too conflict averse to stomach that discomfort. Your girlfriend is one of these people. She didn’t want to deal with your freak out.

This points to two land mines in the relationship.

1. OP is jealous. Jealousy is ALWAYS a reflection on the jealous party. It’s a very unattractive trait because it belies fear and insecurity which are also unattractive. So this is a drag for the other person to deal with. She chose not to deal with your jealous nature. This is something OP needs to work on. She also chose to end the interaction with the friend (who was probably an orbiter).

2. She doesn’t feel she can disclose things to you that you won’t like. That’s a huge problem and it has more to do with you than with her. Examine this situation closely. Did you train her to hide things from you by freaking out over every little thing?

I don’t like that she labeled this guy with a girl’s name in her phone either, but since she’s otherwise been a great gal who treats you well you need to look honestly at your behavior.

I tell my BF what I’m doing and with whom. If he asks who texted etc. I hand him my phone. He can read whatever he wants. Recently I heard from a man I hadn’t conversed with in some time. This is someone I chat with maybe 5 times a year. A YEAR! And he’s got his own relationships and dating prospects…the BF got jealous. I asked him straight up did he want me to stop being so transparent about people in my life? He stopped and thought about that for a minute. He said no that he likes the transparency. I said well, then please don’t freak out when I’m being open and transparent. The freak out creates conflict and discourages honesty.

Now yes you can make the argument that I should ditch all my friends etc. I’m not doing that as these are people who have been stalwart in my life and stood by me through tough times. And I embrace his female friends.

Now. If someone really is an orbiter rather than a friend? That’s different and I see that might be the OP’s situation. In that case you cut contact. Which his girlfriend did without him demanding she do so.

I get the sense that these two are pretty young. She may be a little naïve but is learning. Her job is to thwart attempts of interlopers to erode the relationship. She seems to have done this in the end.

My advice to OP would be to drop this and drive on, but pay attention going forward. My advice would also be to work on being less reactive so your partner can communicate potentially conflict laden issues with a feeling that it’s safe to discuss those things with you.

My $.02
 

Barrister

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I’m with @PRW63 on this one. Relax! Pay attention however. I mean we are nearly to November. This girl gave you her virginity and loves you & is a good girlfriend and there was nothing racy in the texts. So she ended the interaction and never disclosed it…(wait for it)

Because you freak out. That’s why you are here (you are freaking out).

Your girlfriend knows you better than we do. She knows if his name pops up on her phone you are going to lose it. So she didn’t want to deal with that. It’s a drag to deal with jealousy when you aren’t doing anything wrong.

I have a number of male friends. A few of which I dated for a date or two before they went in the FZ. They text. They call. Sometimes when they call I simply hand the phone to BF & let him chat with them. I always have to explain the nature of the friendship to my guy. Additionally one of his best friends is a woman he dated for 2 years. They are no longer together and she has become a good friend of mine…BF has gotten to know several of my guy friends too and it’s all fine.

But this takes maturity and a willingness to go through whatever discomfort your partner experiences. Many people are too conflict averse to stomach that discomfort. Your girlfriend is one of these people. She didn’t want to deal with your freak out.

This points to two land mines in the relationship.

1. OP is jealous. Jealousy is ALWAYS a reflection on the jealous party. It’s a very unattractive trait because it belies fear and insecurity which are also unattractive. So this is a drag for the other person to deal with. She chose not to deal with your jealous nature. This is something OP needs to work on. She also chose to end the interaction with the friend (who was probably an orbiter).

2. She doesn’t feel she can disclose things to you that you won’t like. That’s a huge problem and it has more to do with you than with her. Examine this situation closely. Did you train her to hide things from you by freaking out over every little thing?

I don’t like that she labeled this guy with a girl’s name in her phone either, but since she’s otherwise been a great gal who treats you well you need to look honestly at your behavior.

I tell my BF what I’m doing and with whom. If he asks who texted etc. I hand him my phone. He can read whatever he wants. Recently I heard from a man I hadn’t conversed with in some time. This is someone I chat with maybe 5 times a year. A YEAR! And he’s got his own relationships and dating prospects…the BF got jealous. I asked him straight up did he want me to stop being so transparent about people in my life? He stopped and thought about that for a minute. He said no that he likes the transparency. I said well, then please don’t freak out when I’m being open and transparent. The freak out creates conflict and discourages honesty.

Now yes you can make the argument that I should ditch all my friends etc. I’m not doing that as these are people who have been stalwart in my life and stood by me through tough times. And I embrace his female friends.

Now. If someone really is an orbiter rather than a friend? That’s different and I see that might be the OP’s situation. In that case you cut contact. Which his girlfriend did without him demanding she do so.

I get the sense that these two are pretty young. She may be a little naïve but is learning. Her job is to thwart attempts of interlopers to erode the relationship. She seems to have done this in the end.

My advice to OP would be to drop this and drive on, but pay attention going forward. My advice would also be to work on being less reactive so your partner can communicate potentially conflict laden issues with a feeling that it’s safe to discuss those things with you.

My $.02
I think that is predominantly sound advice. The major difference, however, and in my opinion a pretty important one, with the situation you are describing and OP's is that this woman put this man under a woman's name in her phone to hide his identity. That is clearly an issue in my mind and not simply the OP being jealous. I don't know any man who wouldn't immediately be bothered by that. If it was a completely innocent, platonic situation there would be no reason for that kind of deception. She clearly was trying to hide something by doing that. Even if she has not committed any physical act, she was prepared to potentially do so back in August.
 

Bokanovsky

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I’m with @PRW63 on this one. Relax! Pay attention however. I mean we are nearly to November. This girl gave you her virginity and loves you & is a good girlfriend and there was nothing racy in the texts. So she ended the interaction and never disclosed it…(wait for it)

Because you freak out. That’s why you are here (you are freaking out).

Your girlfriend knows you better than we do. She knows if his name pops up on her phone you are going to lose it. So she didn’t want to deal with that. It’s a drag to deal with jealousy when you aren’t doing anything wrong.
I think you missed some important details in the original post. She was texting this guy in secret for 2 years. "She initiated an invitation to go on a walk with him and accepted his invitation to take her out to eat." That's not sketchy behaviour...at all :rolleyes:
 

rjc149

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I’m with @PRW63 on this one. Relax! Pay attention however. I mean we are nearly to November. This girl gave you her virginity and loves you & is a good girlfriend and there was nothing racy in the texts. So she ended the interaction and never disclosed it…(wait for it)

Because you freak out. That’s why you are here (you are freaking out).

Your girlfriend knows you better than we do. She knows if his name pops up on her phone you are going to lose it. So she didn’t want to deal with that. It’s a drag to deal with jealousy when you aren’t doing anything wrong.

I have a number of male friends. A few of which I dated for a date or two before they went in the FZ. They text. They call. Sometimes when they call I simply hand the phone to BF & let him chat with them. I always have to explain the nature of the friendship to my guy. Additionally one of his best friends is a woman he dated for 2 years. They are no longer together and she has become a good friend of mine…BF has gotten to know several of my guy friends too and it’s all fine.

But this takes maturity and a willingness to go through whatever discomfort your partner experiences. Many people are too conflict averse to stomach that discomfort. Your girlfriend is one of these people. She didn’t want to deal with your freak out.

This points to two land mines in the relationship.

1. OP is jealous. Jealousy is ALWAYS a reflection on the jealous party. It’s a very unattractive trait because it belies fear and insecurity which are also unattractive. So this is a drag for the other person to deal with. She chose not to deal with your jealous nature. This is something OP needs to work on. She also chose to end the interaction with the friend (who was probably an orbiter).

2. She doesn’t feel she can disclose things to you that you won’t like. That’s a huge problem and it has more to do with you than with her. Examine this situation closely. Did you train her to hide things from you by freaking out over every little thing?

I don’t like that she labeled this guy with a girl’s name in her phone either, but since she’s otherwise been a great gal who treats you well you need to look honestly at your behavior.

I tell my BF what I’m doing and with whom. If he asks who texted etc. I hand him my phone. He can read whatever he wants. Recently I heard from a man I hadn’t conversed with in some time. This is someone I chat with maybe 5 times a year. A YEAR! And he’s got his own relationships and dating prospects…the BF got jealous. I asked him straight up did he want me to stop being so transparent about people in my life? He stopped and thought about that for a minute. He said no that he likes the transparency. I said well, then please don’t freak out when I’m being open and transparent. The freak out creates conflict and discourages honesty.

Now yes you can make the argument that I should ditch all my friends etc. I’m not doing that as these are people who have been stalwart in my life and stood by me through tough times. And I embrace his female friends.

Now. If someone really is an orbiter rather than a friend? That’s different and I see that might be the OP’s situation. In that case you cut contact. Which his girlfriend did without him demanding she do so.

I get the sense that these two are pretty young. She may be a little naïve but is learning. Her job is to thwart attempts of interlopers to erode the relationship. She seems to have done this in the end.

My advice to OP would be to drop this and drive on, but pay attention going forward. My advice would also be to work on being less reactive so your partner can communicate potentially conflict laden issues with a feeling that it’s safe to discuss those things with you.

My $.02
It's good to have a female perspective on this. Our male perspective, usually gained from experience, is that when a woman is keeping secrets and being deceitful about things, that's the only the beginning. When a woman says she's never touched a man, but she is trying to hide their relationship from us, we know his d1ck has been inside her and she's lying to our faces. When we forgive and forget an act of deceit or betrayal in order to hang on to a woman, however small the act, we give her permission to continue that behavior. This is all 101-level relationship stuff for us.

This girl has been secretly communicating with a guy behind her boyfriend's back, and seemed intent on scheduling secret one-on-one dates with this guy. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's usually a duck.

That being said, it's been a while since most of us have dated a truly naive, innocent girl. It's possible OP's girl may be so, and that her intentions are good. It's possible she just made some beginner mistakes and she's confused about how she feels and what to do.

OP, only you can truly answer this to yourself, but are you jealous? Clingy? Controlling? Have you demonstrated that you have a hair-trigger about this kind of stuff in the past?
 
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PRW63

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My gut tells me she hooked up with this guy. She's gone through some lengths to hide him from you, and she has expressed guilt about their relationship.
I don't know.
In years past I have "been that guy",... before I had a clue what was going on. For nearly two years I was the "just a friend" of a chick, who:

  1. Had a BF. First hid me from him,...then later got mad at me because I wouldn't be "his buddy" with both of us around her at the same time.
  2. I spent the night at her place once or twice every weekend.
  3. I seen her more than the "BF" did.
  4. What did I get,...maybe a quick "goodby hug" when I headed home,...and it was a bit rare
  5. Slept anywhere but in the same bed as her (her doing, not mine),...got pushed off one mattress in the middle of the night by her dog (but at least if was female).
  6. Never a kiss
  7. Never a "touch". If sitting near each other and our shoulders touched she would move away
  8. Yet she put more effort into being around me than the BF. When she finally dumped him, she wanted me around even less

Female psych can be way more screwed up than the over-simplified suggestions in these forums.
So, I think this remote guy is so deep in the Friend Zone he will never see the light of day. The BF complaining here doesn't really have much to worry about. His biggest threat is ending up in the same Friend Zone himself,...not that a guy already in the Friend Zone is going to somehow sneak in and replace him.

I try not to get too anecdotal in my posts,...my personal experience doesn't determine truth,...but it seemed relevant in this case.
 
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