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Girl you’ve been seeing ex calls her out of the blue

Robert28

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Something I’ve had happen to me several times and never knew how to handle. Say you’ve been out with a girl a few times and things seem to be going well, then she drops the bomb on you “my ex called me today”. And it’s always 6-7 months after they’ve broken up. Always. And the ex always seems to call as soon as it seems like things are going well. The girl plays it off “it means nothing! I blocked him! I like you!” but you know it’s the beginning of the end. Do you ghost her? Make her a plate even after she wasn’t plate status before (and how do you even do that?). How do you handle this situation?
 

catsmeow

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Something I’ve had happen to me several times and never knew how to handle. Say you’ve been out with a girl a few times and things seem to be going well, then she drops the bomb on you “my ex called me today”. And it’s always 6-7 months after they’ve broken up. Always. And the ex always seems to call as soon as it seems like things are going well. The girl plays it off “it means nothing! I blocked him! I like you!” but you know it’s the beginning of the end. Do you ghost her? Make her a plate even after she wasn’t plate status before (and how do you even do that?). How do you handle this situation?
Ignore it, it was most likely some sort of "shyt test" to gauge your reaction. Not proud to admit but I have played games like that myself in the past (20ish). They are silly and childish and reflect insecurity.

Honestly let it go one ear and out the other, as well as any other attempt to provoke jealousy, like mentioning other guys who approached/hit on her that day.

Do not respond, do NOT react, pretend you didn't hear it and immediately change the subject.

EDIT: If it does turn out to be true (massive IF), and she leaves you for him, so be. Leave them to it, hopefully you have other options.
 
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Robert28

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Ignore it, it was most likely some sort of "shyt test" to gauge your reaction. Not proud to admit but I have played games like that myself in the past (20ish). They are silly and childish and reflect insecurity.

Honestly let it go one ear and out the other, as well as any other attempt to provoke jealousy, like mentioning other guys who approached/hit on her that day.

Don't respond, pretend you didn't hear it and immediately change the subject.
Weird thing is the women that have done this to me in the past were in their 30’s lol What usually happens with me is they’ll get back together with the ex within a few weeks of telling me. It’s a good sign to start looking elsewhere when a woman says this though because you won’t be around much longer.
 

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Something I’ve had happen to me several times and never knew how to handle. Say you’ve been out with a girl a few times and things seem to be going well, then she drops the bomb on you “my ex called me today”. And it’s always 6-7 months after they’ve broken up. Always. And the ex always seems to call as soon as it seems like things are going well. The girl plays it off “it means nothing! I blocked him! I like you!” but you know it’s the beginning of the end. Do you ghost her? Make her a plate even after she wasn’t plate status before (and how do you even do that?). How do you handle this situation?
the only reason she tells you is that she wants you to know.

the ideal woman would not tell you and simply dismiss the guy and discourage any follow-ups.

telling you is a double bind.
 

catsmeow

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Weird thing is the women that have done this to me in the past were in their 30’s lol What usually happens with me is they’ll get back together with the ex within a few weeks of telling me. It’s a good sign to start looking elsewhere when a woman says this though because you won’t be around much longer.
Fair enough and perhaps true (assuming it's not a shyt test), however you should still ignore it and NOT react. If she leaves, let her leave, hopefully you have other options?
 

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Robert28

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the only reason she tells you is that she wants you to know.

the ideal woman would not tell you and simply dismiss the guy and discourage any follow-ups.

telling you is a double bind.
The girls that usually made it a point to tell me followed it up with “I really like you and don’t want any secrets between us. I felt I had to be honest with you”.
 

Robert28

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Fair enough and probably true, however you should still ignore it and NOT react. If she leaves, let her leave, hopefully you have other options?
Well with one I didn’t and was caught completely off guard. With the other I just ghosted her after she told me because I knew what was getting ready to happen. I was worried she’s show up at my house though since she knew where I lived but luckily she never did.
 

catsmeow

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The girls that usually made it a point to tell me followed it up with “I really like you and don’t want any secrets between us. I felt I had to be honest with you”.
LOL, I am a woman and calling 100% BS on that!

This is why you need more women on this forum, to give it to you straight from the "horse's mouth." :D

As a woman who has played games in the past, employed various shyt tests, I will tell you honestly that you do not want a woman like this.
A "quality" woman with high interest, a woman secure within herself, does not do things like that. Even assuming it's true, why tell you? To elicit a reaction, that is the ONLY reason.

Since I have grown up and away from all those games, I have had ex's contact me when I am in a new RL and I have no need or desire to mention this to my boyfriend. None whatsoever. I handle it.

Same when men approach and/or hit on me, I have no interest or desire to tell my boyfriend, there is no reason for it, other than to elicit a jealous response.

Best to not give her one and change the subject. Just my opinion from a woman who's BTDT but grown out and away from all that contrived silly BS.
 

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The girls that usually made it a point to tell me followed it up with “I really like you and don’t want any secrets between us. I felt I had to be honest with you”.
haha, I hold to my comment still. what you tell sounds like something a girl would say. if she is into you, she will just dismiss others. she would not want you to have the question in your mind about that but instead be happy it's going well.

It's sort of in the same path as if someone insults you and then tell sorry, I was just telling the truth.

if she is into you AND trying to get you to like her, she is not going to tell you about other guys, not even a husband and certainly not an ex. it's not even a topic for her, she would just dismiss them like any other random person that asked her for a number. does she tell you about every dude that approaches and asks her number, it's several per week if she is ok looking? basically, I agree with you that comment is a warning. not much you can do about it if she is a new girl for you. if it's a long time LTR already take note and consider other signs of an issue. feel free to be assertive instead of passive about it if it's an LTR already. her having a private relationship with any other dude if in an LTR with you is not ok, especially one that has that prior status. next her as soon as she insists to continue a friendship with him.
 

Robert28

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LOL, I am a woman and calling 100% BS on that!

This is why you need more women on this forum, to give it to you straight from the "horse's mouth." :D

As a woman who has played games in the past, employed various shyt tests, I will tell you honestly that you do not want a woman like this.
A "quality" woman with high interest, a woman secure within herself, does not do things like that. Even assuming it's true, why tell you? To elicit a reaction, that is the ONLY reason.

Since I have grown up and away from all those games, I have had ex's contact me when I am in a new RL and I have no need or desire to mention this to my boyfriend. None whatsoever. I handle it.

Same when men approach and/or hit on me, I have no interest or desire to tell my boyfriend, there is no reason for it, other than to elicit a jealous response.

Best to not give her one and change the subject. Just my opinion from a woman who's BTDT but grown out and away from all that contrived silly BS.
She even said “I don’t want you to take it the wrong way and write me off completely!” I mean wtf? I didn’t give her a reaction, I just ghosted. When I say ghosted I mean we were in the middle of her saying all this and I just blocked and deleted her number. Done. Gone forever. Tossed her away like yesterday’s garbage. I just wondered why women did that stuff and how to handle it, I always figured I’d handled it wrong. I was wondering if you could relegate someone from potential dating status to plate and how hard it would be to do.
 

Robert28

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There is nothing to “handle” if she hasn’t yet asked for exclusivity.
But I mean do you keep seeing her and just know that you’ll never get into a relationship with her or do you toss her back in the pond and go after someone else?
 

catsmeow

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There is nothing to “handle” if she hasn’t yet asked for exclusivity.
I agree with this. If you are not exclusive, she is within her rights to go off with whomever she wants (including an ex or a new man or whomever she wants).

The issue is her telling you about it. THAT's the red flag. There is no need to be telling you about it, unless she wants to, again, elicit a jealous reaction, which is immature and silly.

Best to not react or otherwise become emotionally affected by it. Maintain your cool.

No need to ghost, scale back your expectations, keep her as a "plate" (cannot believe I am using this word, lol) and pursue your other options.

We teach people how to treat us via our own reactions to their behaviors.
 

Robert28

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I agree with this. If you are not exclusive, she is within her rights to go off with whomever she wants (including an ex or a new man or whomever she wants).

The issue is her telling you about it. THAT's the red flag. There is no need to be telling you about stuff like that, unless she wants to, again, elicit a jealous reaction.

Best to not react or otherwise become emotionally affected by it. Maintain your cool.

No need to ghost, scale back your expectations, keep her as a "plate" (cannot believe I am using this word, lol) and pursue your other options.
I felt like most were telling me because they were trying to manipulate me into being exclusive with them. Instead of it progressing naturally it felt like they were trying to get me to panic and be like “oh **** I better lock her down now or she will go back to her ex!”. I didn’t like that. Maybe that wasn’t their intention but that’s what it felt like.
 

catsmeow

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I felt like most were telling me because they were trying to manipulate me into being exclusive with them. Instead of it progressing naturally it felt like they were trying to get me to panic and be like “oh **** I better lock her down now or she will go back to her ex!”. I didn’t like that. Maybe that wasn’t their intention but that’s what it felt like.
Bolded, BINGO. It's a manipulative game, and sadly a very popular one. Do you really want a woman who resorts to playing such manipulative games to get what she wants and needs?

I edited my last post, maybe you missed it.

"We teach people (our partners) how to treat us via our own reactions to their behavior, manipulative or otherwise."

DO NOT REACT or if you do, react by saying "oh that's nice" or something and then change the subject.

I always had much more respect for a man when he responded that way versus if he became all jealous and possessive, insecure and clingy asking me a zillion questions. Which always gave me a temporary ego boost (validation), but eventually I lost respect.
 
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catsmeow

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Bolded, BINGO. It's a manipulative game, and sadly a very popular one. Do you really want a woman who resorts to playing such manipulative games to get what she wants and needs?

I edited my last post, maybe you missed it.

"We teach people (our partners) how to treat us via our own reactions to their behavior, manipulative or otherwise."

DO NOT REACT or if you do, react by saying "oh that's nice" or something and then change the subject.

I always had much more respect for a man when he responded that way versus if he became all jealous and possessive, insecure and clingy asking me a zillion questions. Which always gave me a temporary ego boost (validation), but eventually I lost respect.
To add to this, if you succumb to her manipulative tactics, and go exclusive, she WILL eventually lose respect for you, that's the irony.
 
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Robert28

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To add to this, if you succumb to her manipulative tactics, and go exclusive, she WILL eventually lose respect for you, that's the irony.
Yeah I knew that. I just didn’t ever understand if things were going well why throw that monkey wrench into it and screw everything up? I know, I know, I’m thinking logically and shouldn’t. I tried thinking back what did I do to make them think they had to even pull such a trick? I know guys that date a girl normally and they eventually end up in a relationship, that’s how I’ve always went about it. Not this express lane crap.
 

catsmeow

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Yeah I knew that. I just didn’t ever understand if things were going well why throw that monkey wrench into it and screw everything up? I know, I know, I’m thinking logically and shouldn’t. I tried thinking back what did I do to make them think they had to even pull such a trick? I know guys that date a girl normally and they eventually end up in a relationship, that’s how I’ve always went about it. Not this express lane crap.
Bolded, you didn't ask HER for exclusivity first.

Many women feel uncomfortable asking for exclusivity, I used to feel uncomfortable myself. Not even sure why except that I had been conditioned by society to believe the man should ask.

So when he doesn't ask, she resorts to manipulation to get you to ask. Sadly again, many men will do just that.

Another man (an ex or a new man) provokes all sorts of emotions, jealousy and fears. Much of it is about EGO.

Don't be that guy is my advice. She will respect you more for it, I promise you.

And if she doesn't and leaves, then her interest was not all that high to begin with, so you're better off anyway.
 

Robert28

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Bolded, you didn't ask HER for exclusivity first.

Many women feel uncomfortable asking for exclusivity, I used to feel uncomfortable myself. Not even sure why except that I had been conditioned by society to believe the man should ask.

So when he doesn't ask, she resorts to manipulation to get you to ask. Sadly again, many men will do just that.

Another man (an ex or a new man) provokes all sorts of emotions in him, jealousy and fears. Much of it is about EGO.

Don't be that guy is my advice. She will respect you more for it, I promise you.

And if she doesn't and leaves, then her interest was not all that high to begin with, so you're better off anyway.
Men are told not to ask “what are we” though. Makes us look weak and needy. And I’m not about to be exclusive with anyone I’ve only been out with 4-5 times. One of the girls, we even had the “what are we” talk and we were both on the same page. Then not two weeks later she pulls the “my ex called me yesterday” crap.
 

catsmeow

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Bolded, you didn't ask HER for exclusivity first.

Many women feel uncomfortable asking for exclusivity, I used to feel uncomfortable myself. Not even sure why except that I had been conditioned by society to believe the man should ask.

So when he doesn't ask, she resorts to manipulation to get you to ask. Sadly again, many men will do just that.

Another man (an ex or a new man) provokes all sorts of emotions, jealousy and fears. Much of it is about EGO.

Don't be that guy is my advice. She will respect you more for it, I promise you.

And if she doesn't and leaves, then her interest was not all that high to begin with, so you're better off anyway.
I just want to add that many women will tell you that because YOU didn't ask for exclusivity first, she felt you were not all that into her, thus justifying her manipulation.

Don't fall for it. I am telling you as a woman, when a woman is truly into a man, and has extremely high interest (which is what you want) she will NOT end the relationship because you did not ask for exclusivity, SHE will ask you unless she is insecure and unevolved and resorts to manipulative tactics to get what she wants.
 
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