Feeling stuck with young kid.

BooBoosHelix

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Hi,

iam currently 35 from germany, i make 90k a year (45% tax gg) as a software engineer, iam 6.3 and pretty good looking (little overweight and some hair loss starting but rest is decent), ltr of 9 years is 29, earns like 30k, very beautiful face, body is ok, shes my first girlfriend since ive been sick and therefor unable to date/have sex till the age of 26. I slept with 7 or 8 women in total. We are not married. We have one young son 1 1/2 years old that i love over everything. Shes currently on parental leave for 2 years.

Problem 1: The relationship with my grilfriend got progressively more unsatisfieng (I think ive outgrown her and mainly stayed because of my own insecurities/being immature/ major health problems)
Problem 2: Shes pushing for more comittment like another kid or a house.
Problem 3: I feel stuck financially&emotionally

Currently i feel stuck. Shes a good human with good morals. She cleans and cooks and is very good looking. I had a major accident 5 years ago and she stayed beside me even though it was a major impact on my health (and unclear if i could ever walk again without a cane, 90% healed now ). She really proven a true loyal friend.

I have problems with her negative aura often. I just dont feel at ease at home and shes often so negative or unfun (or lets say unengaged). Shes also not as educated/interested as me in things so we actually dont talk much about stuff happening in the world/live which makes me feel a bit lonely. There are no deep talks. I often think there could potentially someone out there i could have a bigger connection with. On top of that if i see the wives/girlfriends of my friends i cant help but compare her with them and feel like i could do better. There are 2 wives that make 100k each and one who has a 9/10 body and fake boobs. My girlfriend is very attractive from a beauty standpoint but not that sexy.

Currently i feel like money is an issue as well. It looks like we are not finding any place for child care at the moment so she cant go back to work. This motivates her to keep asking for another baby since she has to stay home anyway. On top of that she pictures us buying a house sooner or later. I dont want to do any of that honestly. Sometimes i really strongly want to be sexual with other women and be free.

I bring home about 4k after tax. If we split i have to entertain 2 households. On top of that my and her family will both hate me. They love her. But nobody has to live with her 24/7 but i will still be judged. Also i dont know what the dating market has in store for me at 35. The outlook of all that is depressing but staying is too.

I have currently about 20k saved but i have no idea how to start the whole process.
We have a vacation planned in a month and also i will have passed my trial period at my new job by then. I wonder if i shall wait till this all passes and then
start the seperation. Do i search for a place before hand so i have somewhere to go? How much will i have to pay to make sure she and the baby are still eating? How will the families react (probably hate me) and how can i explain to them? How will it impact my son?

I just feel overall depressed and overwhelmed. I just wish i never wasted both mine and her last 9 years so easily. I should have kept looking for a more compatible person i think. Theres also a huge chance i leave her and regret it.

I hope you can share some of your life expierence with me. Thank you.
 

FlirtLife

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I have problems with her negative aura often. I just dont feel at ease at home and shes often so negative or unfun (or lets say unengaged).
...
There are 2 wives that make 100k each and one who has a 9/10 body and fake boobs. My girlfriend is very attractive from a beauty standpoint but not that sexy.

Currently i feel like money is an issue as well. It looks like we are not finding any place for child care at the moment so she cant go back to work. This motivates her to keep asking for another baby since she has to stay home anyway. On top of that she pictures us buying a house sooner or later. I dont want to do any of that honestly. Sometimes i really strongly want to be sexual with other women and be free.
Your three concerns seem to be money, her looks, and her negativity. Is that accurate?

To me, "unfun" and "unengaged" are very different from "often so negative" and a "negative aura". Is it really negativity or boredom? The overall picture you paint is a "7 year itch", especially in your 8 year relationship. I suspect your girlfriend is very attractive, but you've gotten bored over 8 years, which is why you feel she is attractive but not sexy.

Is there a reason why you're making $90k/year and have less than 3 months of salary saved up? A book on personal finance might be a big help. Suze Orman used to have a segment "Can I Afford It?", and I suspect some of your spending would get declined.
 

AureliusMaximus

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Hi,

iam currently 35 from germany, i make 90k a year (45% tax gg) as a software engineer, iam 6.3 and pretty good looking (little overweight and some hair loss starting but rest is decent), ltr of 9 years is 29, earns like 30k, very beautiful face, body is ok, shes my first girlfriend since ive been sick and therefor unable to date/have sex till the age of 26. I slept with 7 or 8 women in total. We are not married. We have one young son 1 1/2 years old that i love over everything. Shes currently on parental leave for 2 years.

Problem 1: The relationship with my grilfriend got progressively more unsatisfieng (I think ive outgrown her and mainly stayed because of my own insecurities/being immature/ major health problems)
Problem 2: Shes pushing for more comittment like another kid or a house.
Problem 3: I feel stuck financially&emotionally

Currently i feel stuck. Shes a good human with good morals. She cleans and cooks and is very good looking. I had a major accident 5 years ago and she stayed beside me even though it was a major impact on my health (and unclear if i could ever walk again without a cane, 90% healed now ). She really proven a true loyal friend.

I have problems with her negative aura often. I just dont feel at ease at home and shes often so negative or unfun (or lets say unengaged). Shes also not as educated/interested as me in things so we actually dont talk much about stuff happening in the world/live which makes me feel a bit lonely. There are no deep talks. I often think there could potentially someone out there i could have a bigger connection with. On top of that if i see the wives/girlfriends of my friends i cant help but compare her with them and feel like i could do better. There are 2 wives that make 100k each and one who has a 9/10 body and fake boobs. My girlfriend is very attractive from a beauty standpoint but not that sexy.

Currently i feel like money is an issue as well. It looks like we are not finding any place for child care at the moment so she cant go back to work. This motivates her to keep asking for another baby since she has to stay home anyway. On top of that she pictures us buying a house sooner or later. I dont want to do any of that honestly. Sometimes i really strongly want to be sexual with other women and be free.

I bring home about 4k after tax. If we split i have to entertain 2 households. On top of that my and her family will both hate me. They love her. But nobody has to live with her 24/7 but i will still be judged. Also i dont know what the dating market has in store for me at 35. The outlook of all that is depressing but staying is too.

I have currently about 20k saved but i have no idea how to start the whole process.
We have a vacation planned in a month and also i will have passed my trial period at my new job by then. I wonder if i shall wait till this all passes and then
start the seperation. Do i search for a place before hand so i have somewhere to go? How much will i have to pay to make sure she and the baby are still eating? How will the families react (probably hate me) and how can i explain to them? How will it impact my son?

I just feel overall depressed and overwhelmed. I just wish i never wasted both mine and her last 9 years so easily. I should have kept looking for a more compatible person i think. Theres also a huge chance i leave her and regret it.

I hope you can share some of your life expierence with me. Thank you.
The power of walking way should never be taken lightly.
 

BackInTheGame78

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Honestly, I think a lot of these problems are of your own making or at least you bear 50% of the responsibility for them.

What have you done to try and connect with her more? In any long relationship there are going to be ebbs and flows where people have to take turns picking the other one up or doing more than the other person for various reasons. It's not always going to be 50/50. Relationships take work. Thinking you can just not put any work into the relationship after a while and it will go on auto-pilot is not going to work and likely how you got to this point to begin with.

You said she is a good person, stuck by you when she could have easily walked away which showed tremendous loyalty, is good looking and by all accounts does her fair share, if not more than that around the house. Honestly, what the fvck else are you looking for? You could and likely would do much worse being "stuck" with someone else.

You see these wives of your friends making 100K or more...do you also see them out banging dudes on the side that your friends don't know about? You think this will solve problems but it will also create problems that don't exist now that you haven't thought about. Qualities in a woman that are ideal like you mentioned are far more desirable than how much money she makes, IMO. It will be far harder to find similar qualities in woman making that kind of money(or a woman in general).

This seems like a very clear case of you thinking the grass will be greener somewhere else but I can almost assure you it will not. It is very difficult to find a woman with all those qualities these days(and hot to boot), you will likely find mostly trash.

IMO, the grass isn't greener on the other side, it's greener where you choose to water it. I'd advise you to start watering it more because it sounds like you have been in a drought there and it sounds like it's both sides that aren't watering it enough. But one person has to start and as the man, take the lead and see what happens.

OP do what you want but I am of the opinion you will simply be screwing yourself over in many ways by leaving this woman and will find out you made a mistake. But as always, many times in life you don't realize it until you make it.
 
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M

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Having a 18 month old is going to be hard, especially for her financial situation. You walk away and that’s going to drain you financially, as well.

9 years is a long time to be out of the dating market. It will be a few months where you need to improve your physique and go on numerous dates to recalibrate yourself in this new dating market.

It is also no guarantee you will find someone better than what you currently have. Like a needle in a haystack, pure luck. I always compare my SO/plate to others, I think it’s normal. Being around your age, I think it’s the last hoorah before 40 when options under 30 will be quite limiting due to your financial situation.

Personally, I would take the risk and be single for a bit. I would never want to regret not seeking opportunities in my prime. It will be hard, but I would rather try and fail than to never know how much better my life could have turned out.
 

Stanley

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Honestly from what you write she sounds more along the lines of a ride or die girl who has stuck by you through some hard times. That doesn't mean you owe her anything, but something to consider. The comparisons to other women seem a little 'off' to me. You say she is beautiful yet you compare her to other women who make more money? why?

It sounds to me like you both need to put a little work into the relationship and reignite things a bit. Nothing in your post about comes across as something that cannot be improved, whether it be money, her negative or aura (or even her looks...) Also take into account a relationship is a two way street and you need to be clear in whether or not you are contributing to the things you don't like.

Understand the power of walking away, but understand the grass isn't always greener on the other side and you've built a life with this woman for 9 years and have a child. You must spend time reflecting and use careful consideration when moving forward.
 

BackInTheGame78

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Having a 18 month old is going to be hard, especially for her financial situation. You walk away and that’s going to drain you financially, as well.

9 years is a long time to be out of the dating market. It will be a few months where you need to improve your physique and go on numerous dates to recalibrate yourself in this new dating market.

It is also no guarantee you will find someone better than what you currently have. Like a needle in a haystack, pure luck. I always compare my SO/plate to others, I think it’s normal. Being around your age, I think it’s the last hoorah before 40 when options under 30 will be quite limiting due to your financial situation.

Personally, I would take the risk and be single for a bit. I would never want to regret not seeking opportunities in my prime. It will be hard, but I would rather try and fail than to never know how much better my life could have turned out.
I'm willing to bet the regret he will have in 5 years is finding out how good he had it versus how bad he has it after he does it.

You are always going to wish something turned out differently than it did in your life. Dumping what OP claims is a near ideal woman these days isn't a smart move. There are smart moves in life and then there are dumb moves in life.

OP is about to do the equivalent of trying to upgrade a mainframe running COBOL to a new tech stack and spend huge amounts of time, money and resources to do so only to find out while it may have upgraded certain areas it broke so many others that it wasn't worth it.

OP is going to learn a hard lesson about not appreciating when you have goodness in your life. The universe has a way of making sure to let you know by giving you far worse situations to humble you.
 
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Pierce Manhammer

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OP, your woman and mother of your child is attractive, devoted to you and your shared child, and nurses you back to health seemingly during what would normally have been her party years. She gave you all herself and 90% of her value as a woman and bore you a son.

SHE TOOK CARE OF YOU INSTEAD OF DUMPING YOU AS MOST WOMEN WOULD HAVE.

Your complaints about her education level, negativity, social standing, and intellect are utter and complete sheize.

You are the man. LEAD.

Get her an education - not hard in Deutschland - get her into therapy for potential depression/anxiety, work out with her. Bam! You have what any man alive would wish for.

Ziehen Sie Ihren Kopf aus dem Arsch, bevor es zu spät ist.
 
M

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I just feel overall depressed and overwhelmed. I just wish i never wasted both mine and her last 9 years so easily. I should have kept looking for a more compatible person i think. Theres also a huge chance i leave her and regret it.
There’s always a chance OP won’t find anything better, there’s a chance that things get worse in his situation if he continues. There’s a chance he will be humbled, but his GF hasn’t done anything in the past 9 years to improve their situation. Making 30k a year is not going to cut it. OP may have made the mistake, but staying with her while she wants another kid is like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. All the burden will be on OP and it will only drive his mental state worse.
 

BackInTheGame78

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There’s always a chance OP won’t find anything better, there’s a chance that things get worse in his situation if he continues. There’s a chance he will be humbled, but his GF hasn’t done anything in the past 9 years to improve their situation. Making 30k a year is not going to cut it. OP may have made the mistake, but staying with her while she wants another kid is like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. All the burden will be on OP and it will only drive his mental state worse.
If he makes 120K and she makes 30K that's 150K combined which is more than enough to live comfortably in all but the most expensive cities in the world, none of which are in Germany. If not, they are terrible with finances.
 

FlirtLife

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Problem 1: The relationship with my grilfriend got progressively more unsatisfieng (I think ive outgrown her and mainly stayed because of my own insecurities/being immature/ major health problems)

... unfun (or lets say unengaged). Shes also not as educated/interested as me in things so we actually dont talk much about stuff happening in the world/live which makes me feel a bit lonely. There are no deep talks. I often think there could potentially someone out there i could have a bigger connection with.
Something you should notice looking around these forums - how many guys are seducing women to have deep talks with them?

Can you talk politics with guys you know? Can you share your feelings with other dads you know?


We have one young son 1 1/2 years old that i love over everything.
Maybe you said this out of obligation, but I'm surprised how little you focus on your son in this post. I hope you know the crime statistics on men raised in a single parent home, because that's the decision you're weighing - to abandon your son or not. Maybe you didn't feel this is the right place to talk about children, which is fine, but I hope you consider the impact on your son.
 
M

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If he makes 120K and she makes 30K that's 150K combined which is more than enough to live comfortably in all but the most expensive cities in the world, none of which are in Germany. If not, they are terrible with finances.
No way someone that make 150k be comfortably living in the most expensive cities in the US. Where do you live?
 

BillyPilgrim

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OP this is a German woman and you, us, and everyone else knows they tend to be cold.
 

BillyPilgrim

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No way someone that make 150k be comfortably living in the most expensive cities in the US. Where do you live?
Dude's in Germany b1tching about a German woman "not being fun".
 

BackInTheGame78

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No way someone that make 150k be comfortably living in the most expensive cities in the US. Where do you live?
In the US in a city that isn't expensive. People choose to live in these cities, they could easily choose to live elsewhere... move to places that are more affordable.

And they could still live relatively comfortable depending on when they bought their house. If it was 15 years ago they are probably fine. Housing is the biggest expense.
 

ThisIsSparta

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Hi,

iam currently 35 from germany, i make 90k a year (45% tax gg) as a software engineer, iam 6.3 and pretty good looking (little overweight and some hair loss starting but rest is decent), ltr of 9 years is 29, earns like 30k, very beautiful face, body is ok, shes my first girlfriend since ive been sick and therefor unable to date/have sex till the age of 26. I slept with 7 or 8 women in total. We are not married. We have one young son 1 1/2 years old that i love over everything. Shes currently on parental leave for 2 years.

Problem 1: The relationship with my grilfriend got progressively more unsatisfieng (I think ive outgrown her and mainly stayed because of my own insecurities/being immature/ major health problems)
Problem 2: Shes pushing for more comittment like another kid or a house.
Problem 3: I feel stuck financially&emotionally

Currently i feel stuck. Shes a good human with good morals. She cleans and cooks and is very good looking. I had a major accident 5 years ago and she stayed beside me even though it was a major impact on my health (and unclear if i could ever walk again without a cane, 90% healed now ). She really proven a true loyal friend.

I have problems with her negative aura often. I just dont feel at ease at home and shes often so negative or unfun (or lets say unengaged). Shes also not as educated/interested as me in things so we actually dont talk much about stuff happening in the world/live which makes me feel a bit lonely. There are no deep talks. I often think there could potentially someone out there i could have a bigger connection with. On top of that if i see the wives/girlfriends of my friends i cant help but compare her with them and feel like i could do better. There are 2 wives that make 100k each and one who has a 9/10 body and fake boobs. My girlfriend is very attractive from a beauty standpoint but not that sexy.

Currently i feel like money is an issue as well. It looks like we are not finding any place for child care at the moment so she cant go back to work. This motivates her to keep asking for another baby since she has to stay home anyway. On top of that she pictures us buying a house sooner or later. I dont want to do any of that honestly. Sometimes i really strongly want to be sexual with other women and be free.

I bring home about 4k after tax. If we split i have to entertain 2 households. On top of that my and her family will both hate me. They love her. But nobody has to live with her 24/7 but i will still be judged. Also i dont know what the dating market has in store for me at 35. The outlook of all that is depressing but staying is too.

I have currently about 20k saved but i have no idea how to start the whole process.
We have a vacation planned in a month and also i will have passed my trial period at my new job by then. I wonder if i shall wait till this all passes and then
start the seperation. Do i search for a place before hand so i have somewhere to go? How much will i have to pay to make sure she and the baby are still eating? How will the families react (probably hate me) and how can i explain to them? How will it impact my son?

I just feel overall depressed and overwhelmed. I just wish i never wasted both mine and her last 9 years so easily. I should have kept looking for a more compatible person i think. Theres also a huge chance i leave her and regret it.

I hope you can share some of your life expierence with me. Thank you.
I think there are some major misconceptions on what we (men) actually need women for.

We need women for 3 things: Sex, children, domestic comfort

"Unfun": Its not her job to be your animator or court jester, if you want fun, get friends to hang out with

"not educated"/no deep talks: If you want deep talks, talk to men. If you feel lonely, you need more (male!) friends.

You "feel emotionally stuck": Guess what, all about being a man is controlling your emotions, get them under control, no woman is going to fix them for you

Income: It doesnt matter how much she earns as long as she is not a gold digger going for your money

From what you tell us your GF with the beautiful face and the ok body should be a rated 6 to 7.
Giving her praise for sticking around while you are handicaped, being a decent person and taking care of the kid, household, she sounds like a keeper to me.


The problem seems to bee you think you could do better, while:

*Your hair starts to vanish
*you are not in shape
*you have not much experience with women
*your financials are not existant (20k doesnt get you much except an old used car), you new to your job and you own no home
*your health is not that good either

If your looks are otherwise good i would rate you a 6.

What exactly do you think you have to offer a woman that earns 100k a year, which is fun, educated and hot which would be rated 8+?


Dont get me wrong i dont want to drag you down and i understand the urge to get hot pvssy and to do better in general..... but, i think you overestimate what a(n other) woman will provide to complement your life more then you have right now.

You need to understand that there will allways be that urge to get with a "new", perceived hotter woman, no matter with whom you are with. Its the need to spread your seed, thats programmed into you evolutionary.


At the moment i seriously dont think you are in shape to get something better then what you already have.

What would i do for the next years:

*Stick with that woman
*Get your finances in order, stay financially independent from your GF (no marriage, no shared loans etc.)
*Get your health in order/get in shape
*Buy yourself a decent home, DO NOT buy it with your GF, this needs to be baught and owned by you alone, DO NOT overstretch you financially while doing so
*DO NOT consider marriage
*Get her a Job (cant be THAT hard as you practically find no qualified/motivated employess anymore in central europe), try to talk her out of the second kid for now


Once you have your **** together you can re-evaluate your situation.

First thing to do: You need to recognise what hot, "fun", "educated" women with 100k income will demand from you, if you are able AND willing to provide it and if it is worth it to you in the long run. Every hot pvssy is fun until they start making your life hard instead of your dyck.
 

BeExcellent

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Advice from the old lady:

I agree strongly with what others have said, particularly @BackInTheGame78 and @ThisIsSparta .

Read the threads around here about flakiness, disloyalty, lack of interest, lack of character, ordinary looks and all the other things men here complain about.

You have a beautiful, loyal, kind woman who is the mother of your son, who your family loves, and who wants to build a life with you.

Newsflash: Having young children is exhausting and is a 24/7/365 responsibility. Your life as a young parent is going to be out of balance for awhile. That’s normal for any couple. You lose spontaneity with little kids. So with the loss of spontaneity and the exhaustion and responsibility you lose the free easy fun part of the relationship unless you make a plan to make the relationship the top priority.

Here’s my advice.

1. Man up and lead. You have a really solid woman here but you want to escape your life, run away and join the circus. That is immature and selfish. Life is now about being a responsible father, but there is no reason you can’t introduce fun into your relationship.

2. Schedule a date night at least weekly and set up childcare or give her money to arrange a sitter so y’all can go do something fun each week.

Know why you are bored? Because YOU are boring. Bored people are typically boring people. The good news is that you can change this. Quit expecting her to entertain you.

3. If you prioritize the relationship and make clear that you expect her to prioritize the relationship (as higher priority than motherhood) then your son grows up to learn what a good relationship looks like. Your job is to lead and set that example. This way your son grows up secure and loved, and will learn self love from that.

Recommit yourself to your family. Married or not you have made a family. It’s tiring & overwhelming at times. But you don’t quit, you figure it out.

You have a negative attitude yourself, you have complained about a loyal woman many other men would greatly appreciate. And if you leave her? You put your son at risk of being abused or hurt by the next man she is with. That to me is irresponsible.

Man up and grow up.
 

BillyPilgrim

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It might be better for the OP and everyone involved if he can find a way to get out of this relationship and still remain friends with the mother. Easier said than done, but OP reminds me of the protagonist from Sartre's Nausea or someone from a Dostoevsky novel. He can quiet his mind and be stoic all he wants, but his soul is going to suffer, and he may eventually lose his mind.
 

BillyPilgrim

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Advice from the old lady:

I agree strongly with what others have said, particularly @BackInTheGame78 and @ThisIsSparta .

Read the threads around here about flakiness, disloyalty, lack of interest, lack of character, ordinary looks and all the other things men here complain about.

You have a beautiful, loyal, kind woman who is the mother of your son, who your family loves, and who wants to build a life with you.

Newsflash: Having young children is exhausting and is a 24/7/365 responsibility. Your life as a young parent is going to be out of balance for awhile. That’s normal for any couple. You lose spontaneity with little kids. So with the loss of spontaneity and the exhaustion and responsibility you lose the free easy fun part of the relationship unless you make a plan to make the relationship the top priority.

Here’s my advice.

1. Man up and lead. You have a really solid woman here but you want to escape your life, run away and join the circus. That is immature and selfish. Life is now about being a responsible father, but there is no reason you can’t introduce fun into your relationship.

2. Schedule a date night at least weekly and set up childcare or give her money to arrange a sitter so y’all can go do something fun each week.

Know why you are bored? Because YOU are boring. Bored people are typically boring people. The good news is that you can change this. Quit expecting her to entertain you.

3. If you prioritize the relationship and make clear that you expect her to prioritize the relationship (as higher priority than motherhood) then your son grows up to learn what a good relationship looks like. Your job is to lead and set that example. This way your son grows up secure and loved, and will learn self love from that.

Recommit yourself to your family. Married or not you have made a family. It’s tiring & overwhelming at times. But you don’t quit, you figure it out.

You have a negative attitude yourself, you have complained about a loyal woman many other men would greatly appreciate. And if you leave her? You put your son at risk of being abused or hurt by the next man she is with. That to me is irresponsible.

Man up and grow up.
This is all true and normally very good advice, but you can't discount the effects of a Existential Crisis, which is what it seems OP is going through. There's a good chance he simply "tunes out" if things don't change, which is bad for everyone involved.
 
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