My expectations? Good question!
I look to enjoy life, primarily.
However, nothing really seems worth enjoying, as it all bores me. So that is a goal I can never achieve.
I enjoy having fun, but it's really hard for me to feel that rush you have while having fun for some reason.
I often feel like I'm a soldier, out there to do a job, that has to show as little emotion as possible, achieving a certain goal I have set for myself, but a goal that is basically undefined.
My emotions almost always feel fake.
I'm thinking this is basically bad self-programming. I've been extremely temperamental throughout the first 12 years of my life - I'd get frustrated at the slightest thing, get into fights over nothing and plenty of other things.
Over the last 8 years of my life, I have slowly grown colder and colder, because society expected me to. This has gotten to the point where I feel completely without emotion, at this moment. I act on things because I need to act on them. I don't act on them because I feel something.
People don't know I'm this cold inside, because I've managed to learn how to become a normal person on the outside.
Strangely, if I hurt someone or do something horrible, I don't regret it. If a woman turns me down horribly, I'll be like "Fvck, that sucks" and move on after about 10 seconds. This attitude has probably been the downfall with most of my relationship with women - I don't have any emotions, including feeling normal attraction towards women. I literally have to tell myself to feel attracted towards them, or I will forget and just be cold towards them (I'm straight, don't worry), which they usually read like I don't like them.
I have several friends that have been undertaking criminal things to have fun most of their lives, such as setting off illegal fireworks. Personally, I have never found any kind of enjoyment out of it. The adrenaline rush they get when the cops chase them, is non-existant with me. I analyse the situation, tell them what to do to get away from the cops and I save the day every time. I've always been known to be the sensible guy without fear. And to be honest, I can't really remember the last time I was really really afraid of something.
Yesterday, I was perscribed some medication for low adrenaline levels. I think that this may just fix it, but right now I feel even more emotion-less than I have ever felt before.
I thought about doing E a while ago, to see if I could actually get my system to work with that. It'd just be temporary though, so it's not even worth the experiment to me.
I have been so desensitized I just don't know of a way back. There's nothing in the world that makes me feel anything. People around me could die and I probably wouldn't cry or feel the sadness that normal people would feel.
This runs in the family though. My dad is exactly like this. My grandfather from my dad's side was exactly like this. His entire family was like this. Emotionless all the time.
My biggest problem is, that I really know how it used to feel, but it won't come back anymore. I can remember a time when I was truly happy, but it's impossible for me to get back into that state.
If nothing life makes you happy... why should you do anything? It's become a fruitless search of finding something that will make me happy, time after time finding out that it still didn't make me happy.
