ever wonder why you ended up with a BPD? I realized something

jhl

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A few years ago, I was involved with a BPD. I'm not interested in giving the details or validating the story because it's been out of my head. There was one thing, however, that I kept asking myself. Out of all possible interactions why was it me who got involved? (especially since every one of my friends never experienced someone like that).

A couple days ago I came to a realization and a very sad one. My mother is a perfectionist, psychologically unstable, has jealousy issues with my girlfriends, and goes to near bipolar/BPD levels to sabotage my relationships. Nothing ever holds to her standards, she constantly criticizes the bejesus out of everything (including my life choices, the food she eats, and just about everything including people and inanimate objects"). Every single friend of mine worries about me getting worried b/c of my mother. As a matter of fact, my best friend thinks my mother is the ultimate *****, far worse than anyone in the world he has seen.

That being said, that was the catalyst for me becoming attached to my former BPD. She exhibits all of these issues that I mentioned above (with the usual hot-cold behavioral switches every 30 seconds). I think my life experiences that shaped by my mother made me become a willing victim of another woman just like her.

Now this sounds obvious. For example, we know that children who were abused by parents have higher probability of seeking out spouses who exhibit abusive behavior. What boggles my mind was this. When I did a bit of investigation as to what my grandparents and great grandparents were like, my scenario was a repeat of what happened far in the past. This wasn't just a one generation thing, but it was something that comes down from generation to generation (not necessarily happening every single generation though)

Now this is the really interesting part. My current GF is a nice girl, completely down to earth, and has not experienced anything of this kind of abuse. Before she was born however, her mother had a mother in law who exhibited the SAME characteristics as my mom (a near identical clone from what I can understand). Is it by chance that she and I are together, that we feel like we "click" at all levels, and that we have family histories that match up in REMARKABLE ways that goes far beyond what I think is coincidence? Sadly, she's going through this hell b/c of my mother and I'm getting to put up an ultimatum to my mother to stop her crazy behavior.

For all those who "wonder" about their crappy situations, a bit of an investigation into your past may bring some very interesting insights as to why certain things are the way they are. I understand that my experience is from one person and it may have been chance and I won't argue with you. But I'm really beginning to wonder about those instances. In particular, scenarios like the "nice girls" going through hell and back to be with the psychotic bad guy. Sometimes, when you look at their immediate backgrounds they come from super healthy families and you can't see anything visibly wrong (even when you get to know them for years). I wonder if some of these roots trace back far into the past and whether they have some genetic predisposition to being vulnerable or whether the experiences from previous generations shaped who they are now. Some food for thought.
 

JWT

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jhl said:
A few years ago, I was involved with a BPD. I'm not interested in giving the details or validating the story because it's been out of my head. There was one thing, however, that I kept asking myself. Out of all possible interactions why was it me who got involved? (especially since every one of my friends never experienced someone like that).

A couple days ago I came to a realization and a very sad one. My mother is a perfectionist, psychologically unstable, has jealousy issues with my girlfriends, and goes to near bipolar/BPD levels to sabotage my relationships. Nothing ever holds to her standards, she constantly criticizes the bejesus out of everything (including my life choices, the food she eats, and just about everything including people and inanimate objects"). Every single friend of mine worries about me getting worried b/c of my mother. As a matter of fact, my best friend thinks my mother is the ultimate *****, far worse than anyone in the world he has seen.

That being said, that was the catalyst for me becoming attached to my former BPD. She exhibits all of these issues that I mentioned above (with the usual hot-cold behavioral switches every 30 seconds). I think my life experiences that shaped by my mother made me become a willing victim of another woman just like her.

Now this sounds obvious. For example, we know that children who were abused by parents have higher probability of seeking out spouses who exhibit abusive behavior. What boggles my mind was this. When I did a bit of investigation as to what my grandparents and great grandparents were like, my scenario was a repeat of what happened far in the past. This wasn't just a one generation thing, but it was something that comes down from generation to generation (not necessarily happening every single generation though)

Now this is the really interesting part. My current GF is a nice girl, completely down to earth, and has not experienced anything of this kind of abuse. Before she was born however, her mother had a mother in law who exhibited the SAME characteristics as my mom (a near identical clone from what I can understand). Is it by chance that she and I are together, that we feel like we "click" at all levels, and that we have family histories that match up in REMARKABLE ways that goes far beyond what I think is coincidence? Sadly, she's going through this hell b/c of my mother and I'm getting to put up an ultimatum to my mother to stop her crazy behavior.

For all those who "wonder" about their crappy situations, a bit of an investigation into your past may bring some very interesting insights as to why certain things are the way they are. I understand that my experience is from one person and it may have been chance and I won't argue with you. But I'm really beginning to wonder about those instances. In particular, scenarios like the "nice girls" going through hell and back to be with the psychotic bad guy. Sometimes, when you look at their immediate backgrounds they come from super healthy families and you can't see anything visibly wrong (even when you get to know them for years). I wonder if some of these roots trace back far into the past and whether they have some genetic predisposition to being vulnerable or whether the experiences from previous generations shaped who they are now. Some food for thought.
Great post. I recently did some research into my past, and found out that my father was the more faulty and less affectionate of the two parents. I traced it back there and discovered I am a caregiver / codependent type. I need to work on that going forward.
 

jhl

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Lots of ss members say to work on your inner game but that's easier said than done. Sometimes your problem may have been rooted in your bloodline for years. I've made significant strides in addressing my problems but it's been improvements never a full fix. People underestimate the effort and self reflection that is needed to fixing this. It takes more than a few hobbies and working out in the gym and spinning plates to solve these problems
 

dangdang

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I'm still struggling with identifying and improving some of these areas as well, but have similar background. Also being around a BPD brings this **** out in you... Lol idk how much is there around normal people, I know I act different.

If anyone has any good links to off the cuff style columns on the subject, please post. I don't really believe in most of the psychologist routes and such, but still very much interested in improving. (Not to pull chicks, just for me)
 

Desire

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I can relate to your post op. I've read this book a while ago, it's new in 2013, maybe you will find something in this book too.


Hauntings: Dispelling the Ghosts Who Run Our Lives

In his latest book, Hauntings: Dispelling The Ghosts Who Run Our Lives, Dr. James Hollis reminds us that our past is not truly past us. Our familial influences, life-altering traumas, and individual wounds follow us to the grave.

There are powerful stories shared in Hauntings. Many important psychological subjects such as guilt and shame, complexes and projections are also discussed.

In Hauntings Dr. Hollis writes about how our familial histories - whether good or bad or a mix - make for permanent complex charges within us. If we remain unconscious or oblivious to the power these both known or unspoken histories hold over us, we are more likely to make bad choices in our lives. Worse, we will live a life of desperation, despair or meaninglessness.

Dr. Hollis' books are consistently an invitation to explore our nature and our unconscious motivations. In Hauntings he shares some deeply touching and personal stories from his own history. He also explores the darker parts of our ego self which - if we do not claim its shadows - will torture us even somatically until we learn to acknowledge and surrender our neurotic, inflated or narcissistic persona. He offers when we examine these behaviors consciously we will be more likely to take responsibility for and manage the behaviors accordingly so we don't damage ourselves or others. He writes that these hurts can take on a generational theme of enormous agony. Dr. Hollis reiterates that while it's lovely to be "nice" it is far better to be "real." But, for our wounds to be healed they must first be acknowledged.

This authentically written book encourages psychological bravery and inspires us not to remain a prisoner or a victim of what "happened to us." This beautifully written book acknowledges that none of us can avoid betrayals, hurts, pain and loss and the grieving these circumstances warrant. But, how we handle these experiences is key to our recovery from life's pain and becoming conscious. That is a hopeful message for any of us who were subjected to trauma, negligence, bullying, poverty, addictions or loss.

Dr. Hollis writes that we are stronger than we think. He believes we can have sovereignty over our life by the choices we make consciously and thoughtfully. He wants us to live a more considered life and ask ourselves the bigger questions: Who am I? Why am I here? Who are my people? How am I different from others? Deeply spiritual questions from a profoundly sagacious teacher.
 

Atom Smasher

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Aren't you quoting someone else's review?
 

Scaramouche

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Dear JHL,
This post really deserves some thoughtful responses...I encountered and was burnt once,Though wiser,I am still scarred and get very annoyed when I reflect back!
 
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