Broke up with my g/f today

[JohnJones]

I broke up with my g/f of 1 year today, and she's taking it pretty hard (begging, crying, pleas to talk about it).

Basically, I've gotten myself into a rough situation related to whether I want to mesh my kids' lives in with hers. I just don't see it because she has too long a history of getting in over her head and then dumping the guy really slowly (usually with some cheating toward the end).

Even without the cheating, I just don't feel like I can risk my kids getting involved with her then losing another stable situation. And I just don't see how or why she wouldn't eventually cheat or break up with me (or rather, I'd always need to be so distant and realistic that I'd need to dump her on a dime if I saw somethign shady).

Worst thing is, I can't explain my thought process -- it would be almost like calling her names .

 

[thissucks003]

Originally posted by JohnJones
I just don't see it because she has too long a history of getting in over her head and then dumping the guy really slowly (usually with some cheating toward the end).

If you knew her relationship history, why did it take you a year to break up with her? If she was telling you her past relationships, and she repeatedly has dumps guys and cheated on them, why take a year to 86 her?

 

[Genghis Juan]

How did you find out about her history? Did she tell you this herself (which would be suprising)? How long into the relationship were you when you found out about her history?

 

[JohnJones]

I knew about her relationship history before I went into it-- she laid it all out for me.

My biggest issue is that I like her companionship and we have a good time together, but I've never really been emotionally involved very deeply with her-- largely because of what I know. Usually, I've taken everything with a "one day at a time" attitude because I was having a good time and didn't see a huge reason either to break up or to get hooked.

I was kind of having second thoughts the last few days, but I also realize that she just lied to me -- not on a huge lie, but still: I overheard her best friend talking about the break up with her (g/f does not know I overheard). I told my former g/f that it was of course okay for her to talk to whomever she wanted -- its her right to get the assistance she needs. She insists that the friend knows only that we had a fight, not that I broke up with her. The friend would hate me if she knew what I did, my g/f said.

But I know with my own ears that the friend knows I broke up with her -- this is like high school now. She is lying because she doesn't want, if we got back together, there to be tension, but I know the truth -- and if you can lie conveniently about something like that, you can lie about anything.

Basically she has all the right things that I would want in a permanent relationship (and I mean permanent) in terms of fun, not complacent, physically attractive (enough that even a few extra pounds would be fine) and there was always a huge physical chemistry there. But I acknowledge that she has her limits -- usually she's dumped guys when she realized it wasn't going anywhere; the cheating was when she felt emotionally unfulfilled.

And that's where I come in -- I liked her, but I feel that the same kind of distance/mystery that I've naturally kept that has made her basically crazy for me also will turn her away. Since I feel that cheating is a character defect (not what a lot of girls think -- they think its because the b/f wasn't doing enough work), I'm not willing to invest that kind of emotion in her.

Before too long, she'd figure that out. Plus, she is at the edge of her 20s and I think she needs to be free now to find someone else before I have used up too much of her time.

 

[dietzcoi]

You know what you are doing is the right thing. Try to be strong. I know it is hard. But you already know she is not the one for you... why prolong it?

Dietzcoi

 

[JohnJones]

Agreed. I honestly could carry on if she'd just calm the f--- down a little.

Also, she keeps sticking to her guns as it relates to this lie -- I have assured her that its meaningless, and that of course a girl would talk to her friend if her b/f comes over one night and says dispassionately "I'm breaking up with you."

But it takes a liar to know one, and I've done it in the past. Usually my theory was that by lying to everyone I kept my options open and there was no bad blood with any option I decided to keep.

She may just be fixed on not losing me now, if Ican flatter myself that much, but in the end, she just kicks those trust issues into the forefront.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

She was convenient and proper to have for a season but you are searching for something deeper that she cannot provide. Why keep the lie of mutual interest going any longer? You did the right thing!