'Being aloof and detached' is misinterpreted.

[jakethasnake]

.... that advice is crap, if read literally. Seriously what person, male or female, likes another that is cold, and distant? No one.



There is a fine line between being warm and personable but also teasingly unavailable, and just being a cold, unsmiling prick/ice-queen. This sounds intuitive if you look at it carefully and objectively, but it somehow manages to escape the attention of newbs. The latter are rarely liked, unless they happen to be very handsome or pretty (remember - James Dean and Lenny Kravitz are only alluring because they are physically attractive. I highly doubt any of you would feel the same way if both those dudes were ugly or fat). Have any of you had crushes on aloof girls that also happened to be ugly? Right, exactly.



The reason that newbs mis-interpret this is because they mistakenly see being engaging/warm and cold/detached as polar opposites on a 'cold-hot' scale. That is incorrect. In truth, the scale should read like this:





COMPLIANT, OVEREAGER, COMPLICIT <---------------> ENGAGING, GENUINE, SMILING, PERSONABLE





The following is commonly assumed, but is incorrect. Discard this belief system - in fact, it doesn't even exist (perhaps only in your delusions).



COLD/IMPERSONAL <-------------------------------> ENGAGING, GENUINE, SMILING, PERSONABLE






I don't know if you guys can catch the subtle difference (in the first, TRUE scale) - but both ends of the spectrum in the first scale involve being pleasant to others. It's just that on the left, you have a man that is pleasant to others because he is a SELF-SERVING, transparent ass-hole. He is nice to women, buying them presents, complimenting left-and-right, etc. -- because he WANTS ASS. And she knows that right off the bat - that is why he wont' succeed. The man on the far right of that scale however, is a real playa. A 'Don Juan', if you will. He *draws* women in with his pleasantness and positivity, and his SMILE. He wants to get to know them better, but is not afraid to take what he wants (sex, companionship) in a very classy but still firm and masculine manner. He makes his intentions clear (He wants SEX! Duh... why else would a man approach a woman?), but he does it with such charm and elegance that a woman doesn't mind at *all* that he's trying to seduce her! That is what you newbs should be striving for.




I've noticed a lot of newbs complaining of friends and family 'disliking the "new them". Well now you know why - it's because your behavior really IS inconsistent - you're looking at the whole matter using a flawed 'scale of behavior'.

 

[rgeere]

I don't know. I stay aloof and distant, but it's with the purpose of drawing others closer to me so I can get them on my territory and on my terms using my charm and wit.

Women are like sheep, they can be trained to like you and come to you and when theyare comfortable with the situation like it is the way you want it you can make your intentions known and they will be lulled into accepting and not resisting you and your advances.

 

[becker]

double post, sorry

 

[becker]

I have to agree with jake here, the aloof thing can kill ya if you don't know how it works.

I remember when I was in junior high, I was pretty aloof and was never a doormat, but at the same time, didn't go up to girls because I thought that being this way would draw them to me. The opposite happened, and you end up coming off as just a boring guy.

I have a friend now who is amazingly aloof. He's married to a very hot wife, but he can be one of the most difficult people to talk to and be around. He comes off as though he is too cool for everything, and the problem is that you always can tell when a person is ACTING like he's too cool for everything. It's quite annoying actually, and I think that as a result he has a pretty tight group of friends but he hangs out with select people who can tolerate his personality. He has flashes of when he is pretty funny, but then he has lows where he is just silent. He's not super good-looking, but maybe a 7 or so. His wife is an 8 or 9, and like 5 years older than him.

Anyways, it doesn't hurt to be happy and radiate energy. You just have to be less concerned about what other people think of you, and that's really the crux of the aloofness in my opinion. Don't look for acceptance, don't worry if not everyone you meet likes you, that's the way things are. Just hang out with ones that do. Same with women, if they don't like you, don't try so hard to make them, because it's easier just to find a woman who does.

 

[rgeere]

Originally posted by becker
I have to agree with jake here, the aloof thing can kill ya if you don't know how it works. I remember when I was in junior high, I was pretty aloof and was never a doormat, but at the same time, didn't go up to girls because I thought that being this way would draw them to me. The opposite happened, and you end up coming off as just a boring guy.

That's why you need to be an interesting aloof person, you train people to come to you by being charming and inviting, but you don't follow them around or do what they do YOU GET THEM TO FOLLOW YOU AROUND AND DO WHAT YOU DO.

Atleast that's how I do it, works like a charm and I've had plenty of girls follow me around and give me attention without hardly any effort on my part.

I'm not saying I don't approach, you have to do that initially or it simply won't work and I don't make a big deal out of it either.

 

[JT47319]

Originally posted by rgeere
I'm not saying I don't approach, you have to do that initially or it simply won't work and I don't make a big deal out of it either.

There is a slight but subtle difference between being aloof and being INDIFFERENT. Aloof is when you simply don't want people around while as indifferent is when you DON'T CARE ABOUT THE OUTCOME.

If done correctly, on one hand the girl will be validated that you came up to talk to her, but be off balance that you don't care about whether or not you get her. She won't know your agenda.

 

[Dee-Zy]

The thread poster is on point. There is a fine line out there and we need to highlight it.

I, myself am being misleaded by it. Sometimes I do it right, sometime I'm just out of the water. Problem is, I don't recognize it until AFTER I screwed up.

 

[Glenfiddich101]

I guess aloofness can work if the girl has very high IL right off the bat. But if she's anything less than that, you're killing you're own chances by behaving like a prick.

I know becos i was in this situation recently. This chick was so into me, but i basically didnt care. She asked my why i was so aloof and distant. But in the end she directly initiated sex with me.

Thigs got pretty wierd after that, she was playiing games and it got to me. I just became more aloof and distant. I guess it came from the fear of looking like a fool and turning in to an AFC.

She asked me a few times if i was genuinely interested in her or if i wanted to be her man. Trouble was she nvr backed it up with action.

We had some argument and that was it.

I'm still wondering if i was more personal towards her questions, i might still be tapping that ass.

Every situation is different, every girl is different. That is why is impt to date as many possible to develop yr six sense with chicks.

 

[Deadly_Assassin]

don't know if you guys can catch the subtle difference (in the first, TRUE scale) - but both ends of the spectrum in the first scale involve being pleasant to others. It's just that on the left, you have a man that is pleasant to others because he is a SELF-SERVING, transparent ass-hole. He is nice to women, buying them presents, complimenting left-and-right, etc. -- because he WANTS ASS. And she knows that right off the bat - that is why he wont' succeed. The man on the far right of that scale however, is a real playa. A 'Don Juan', if you will. He *draws* women in with his pleasantness and positivity, and his SMILE. He wants to get to know them better, but is not afraid to take what he wants (sex, companionship) in a very classy but still firm and masculine manner. He makes his intentions clear (He wants SEX! Duh... why else would a man approach a woman?), but he does it with such charm and elegance that a woman doesn't mind at *all* that he's trying to seduce her! That is what you newbs should be striving for.

Man can you give more examples on the latter person. I think one problem newbs faces is how to be a challenge. After reading this I feel I am in this category as well. When people say be a challenge i seem to become cold n distant. I wanna turn into that

ENGAGING, GENUINE, SMILING, PERSONABLE, CHARMING person.

 

[diplomatic_lie]

Ice queens are hot when you break open their shield. But other than that, I generally avoid them.

 

[Don Juanabbe]

Yeah, I find ice queens or shy girls a turn off. I don't know why, but they make me feel awkward, so I don't bother with them. I was trying on a really, really shy girl, but she was impossible. It really made me feel like I was jumping throught hoops almost. She would talk to everyone else, just would clam up around me. Made me very uncomfortable.

My ex was like that at first, but she opened up more. This other one was cold, cold, cold. Not to mention feminist. So, uh, no thanks.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Women have told me several times "You know, I just can't figure you out..." I reply "If you could, I'd just be another boring 'nice guy.'" They think about for a moment and then nod in agreement.

It's not that I'm aloof, I'm just not predictable. There's always some dichotomy in my viewpoint, things are seldom cut and dry. "What if..." Is always in my vocabulary.

Women can definitely describe my likes and dislikes but they seldom are able to define what makes me tick. I don't hide things from them, but I don't necessarily guide them either.

Believe it or not, women enjoy attempting to find out about their man. It gives them the chance to try out those little tests that are in COSMO or something that they heard on Oprah. It keeps them busy and me entertained.

 

[neoncola]

What can usually work is if you shower them with attention etc, even if you act like an AFC at first. Then if their interest starts to drop off, that's when you start acting aloof and distant.

People place more value and miss things more when they had it in the first place and then lose it. So don't act aloof from the start or they won't know the difference. Give them the attention and then become detached. They might even start to wonder what they have done to make you more distant.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by Dee-Zy
The thread poster is on point. There is a fine line out there and we need to highlight it.

I, myself am being misleaded by it. Sometimes I do it right, sometime I'm just out of the water. Problem is, I don't recognize it until AFTER I screwed up.

__________________
I'm so hot, it hurts sometimes.

Dee-Zy, I'm not trying to rag on you but your sig sounds like you have a urinary track infection!!!

Sorry, I just had to say it.......

 

[Mack Bishop]

or chlamydia

 

[DJD]

However you want to think about it, some sense of aloofness is not all that bad, but it can be taken to a counterproductive extreme. If you don't give at least some signs of interest, she will try to find someone who will.

I like to think of the challenge/aloofness/mystery thing in this mindset:

1. You have to get her attention and she has to be interested in you in some capacity, or the whole point is moot. It could be your looks, your profession/income, etc. or some combination of things, but she has to care for there to be an initial point of attraction or interest. Looks are not the only thing, but they still do matter to women, no matter how much they protest that the 'innner person' is what really counts. In a first encounter, your looks will be evaluated; however, they will usually not 'seal the deal', so you have to have your game in shape too. So try to look good so that you can 'get the ball in play' - which is where the challenge issue is of greater relevance.

2. Remember that things that are easily had are not valued as much as those for which you had to work. You should give the impression of moderate/casual interest, not of "OMG! I am so lucky to be talking to you!" Be pleasant and polite, but do not convey a sense of overeagerness. In way, it sounds funny, but you talk to her much like you'd talk to a guy you just met - make casual, pleasant conversation. Also, BE REAL (authentic/genuine) - don't adopt the 'slick guy' persona or otherwise get into some phony pickup routine - she's been there, seen it, got the t-shirt. Show a sense of humor if you've got it, but don't try too hard to be a comic (unless it's really working for you).

If you approached her, she already knows that you are interested. Try, but do not try too hard. Show some self-respect and do not grovel at her feet. You're better than that, baby! (to quote Vince Vaughn's character from 'Old School'). Also BE CAREFUL NOT TO SAY TOO MUCH - don't 'show your cards' or 'tip your hand', especially early on. You want to let her do most of the talking and about herself, usually. This also helps you to seem a mystery that needs to be investigated. Finally, say nothing too personal too soon.

My opinion, but... I think that women want a man to be f***ing man - to be secure, confident, and mature. Women can and will settle for less, but this is what they really seem to want. A secure, confident, mature man (regarless of chronological age) doesn't act too eager to impress or shake in his shoes - he stands tall. He doesn't run off at the mouth trying to hard to impress, he knows he's worthy of her and is confident that she will recognize him as such. He respects others and and does not allow others to disrespect him or pry into his personal affairs. He 'handles his business' and only his business. He doesn't dog other men to try to make himself look better by contrast because he is secure. He is not petty about the small sh*t. He has his sh*t together. Such things make him challenging and intriguing to women. He is his own man - and makes no apologies for it. A man of such caliber/quality is a challenge for women, for he is difficult to find. To quote Steele "He is not the common man" and I will add "not by a damn sight".

3. Finally, she will test you. Often, she does this by feigning initial disinterest to see how you handle it. Always be secure, confident, and mature about things, even when they don't seem to go as you'd like. Acting like a hurt or mad little boy belittles your manhood. R. Don Steele has a great chapter on this in his book "Body Language Secrets" that is entitlted "Reluctance, Resistance, and Tests".