Bars, clubs and other social atmospheres

[krd]

Lately, as it is summer and the semester has ended, there have been little opportunities for me to meet women. One of the reasons for this, I believe is my routine. I go to the gym, I go to class, sometimes I’ll go out with a friend, but very little else. I’m taking a night class, which runs straight through, and everybody usually leaves immediately after it’s over. At the gym, the guys outnumber the girls and everybody there, including myself is usually in the middle of their exercise or workout routine. I’m never sure if they really want to be bothered, or would rather be left alone. The girls at the front counter that I usually talk to have boyfriends or are married, and I probably wouldn’t be their type anyway. This is the place where I often hear everyone talking about hanging out in bars.

So I’m wondering, what if I were to do this? How good of an atmosphere is it, really, for meeting women? For one thing, I don’t drink, so there’s little excuse for me to be there, unlike somebody who can say they are there to have a few drinks and unwind. But what kinds of women usually frequent these places? Are they alcoholics? Are they generally out to meet new people, or are they there to drink and hang out with friends and that’s it? As for clubs, I’ve been to a few before, and forget it. The music is pumping so loud, it’s dark, lights are flashing, it’s as if they purposely try and make it hard for you to meet anyone. I don’t think I’d go by myself to these places anyway. I’d probably just end up sitting by myself, feeling awkward and uncomfortable. I’d somehow need to convince my friend (who also doesn’t drink, and thinks it’s a dumb habit) to come along.

My friend and me have discussed going to the mall and perhaps try and meet women there. We actually tried it once before. The problem is that such a place is mostly frequented by high school girls who are underage, and also, it is really not much of a social environment. Some girls may possibly go there to meet guys, but people are generally there to shop. Same thing goes for libraries, supermarkets, restaurants, etc. People are there mostly to do whatever it is they came to do.

The main option I am considering right now is coffee houses. Generally, there is no alcohol, and there is a good chance of it being a friendly atmosphere. Since I am a musician, I’m actually considering performing there. But I would like to have some other ideas, so I have different options to choose from. I’m definitely not ruling out clubs and bars, either—I’d just like to know people’s thoughts about them and whether they are worth it. Basically I’m looking for places that would be good social atmospheres, conducive to meeting new people, especially women. I’d like to know what places work for most people.

 

[squirrels]

...

I've found over time that clubs which don't center around dancing (they may have it but don't focus on it) and bars near clubs are good places. Dance clubs, like you said, suck for conversation, and bars usually attract more guys than girls, and more trolls than attractive women.

But the more I think about it, the more I start to wonder if there is any "good place" or "bad place" to pick up women.

 

[Lone_raider]

I'll be honest, I 've never picked up a women anywhere but at school or on the campus grounds. Of course I've never tried anywhere else untill this summer. I'm like you, I don't drink or smoke and I'm not a fan of thumping techno in a club. So where else does that leave? Well I've actually found and tested a few places.

The book store, like a huge Barnes & Noble with the coffee shop and all seems to be a good place. I actually ran a test there last week, these girl was looking at a book I had read and I said hey, "that's a good book, I read it a few weeks ago". This started a small conversation, I had no intent to pick her up, I was just practicing you might say. The bookstore makes it easy to use the environment to start a conversation.

I live near the ocean so the beach walk area is looking like a good place. Again I ran a practice of sorts. I was sitting on a bench and a girl had shorts on with the name of an Island that is off the coast of my state. I was sitting on a bench and she had stopped in front of me to look out at the ocean. So I said hey, "do you like going out to so and so Island?." I've been there several times so it spawned a little convo, of course the name was written across the ass of her shorts lol, so she I'm not sure if it's good to comment on something there right off the bat. But hey it was just a test.

I also go to the coffee shop all the time, haven't tried anything there yet but it's looking like a good prospect.

So there are my places so far. What you need to do I think is use things in the environment to start the conversation, something around you, maybe something the girl is wearing like the shorts or what not. I'm no expert at this by any means, but I'm trying it out.

 

[krd]

It really stinks, because I rarely ever have anything to do. I'd love to be able to go out somewhere. Today's a Wedneday, perhaps there's not many people out in the middle of the week, but still, I often feel like I'm missing out on something. The only place I can think of is this coffee shop I know of that I found out has live music on Saturdays. Other than that, I have no idea what's around. I wonder if I should maybe take up drinking so that I'll have more options. My friend whom I hang out with sometimes, hasn't called me, even though I left him a message four days ago.
For most of the week I've been anxiously anticipating a phone call from a girl I know. That's pretty pathetic, in my opinion. If I had other possibilities, I wouldn't be so concerned with her.

The DJ principle is to get out there, meet a whole bunch of other women, keep yourself busy, as if it were that easy. My options right now are do homework, work on my music, watch TV., or surf the net. None of which involve other people or leaving the house.

 

[jakethasnake]

krd,

What city do you live in? If you live anywhere near L.A. I can give you some suggestions. Also, have you heard of a magazine called "Black Book"? It's a glossy progressive culture/fashion 'zine, and with it comes a great little paphlet called the 'black book' (duh). It lists all the major clubs, art exhibits, bars, and restaurants in NYC, LA, Miami, and sometimes London and Paris. Go to your local newstand and look for it -- if you live in any of these cities it's a pretty cool resource.

-Jake

 

[krd]

So you live near L.A.? To me, that's kind of like a fantasy land far, far away. I actually live in a boring little town north of Boston. It's has several museums and galleries, (not exactly social atmospheres, although they could be good places for me to take a date, if I could get one), and of course, the ol' bars and clubs. I don't own a car, so I can't really go too far.

 

[Don Corleon]

ive actually had the same problem.i work during the day and take some classes later that night. i'd like to find some where to go after class which is around 9. i've started going to big bookstores. it's actually a decent place to go to meet chicks, although i haven't found any really hot women i'd like to talk too. i've been thinkin about going to like a chilis or a TGIF and hangout at the bar. i don't know, don't want to look like an alcoholic if its a dead night

 

[Donjuanpablo]

I've read a lot of your posts krd and after seeing more and more about whats actually happening in your life I'd have to say that the best advice for you would be to leave the city. Go spend a few months travelling, maybe even a year, or move to a new city and start a fresh. It sounds like you've become too comfortable with that town and it doesnt seem like its presenting you with any opportunies. Get out there, see the world and live a little. Learning to live on your own and be indepedent would do wonders for a person like you. How do I know? Because I've seen some of my own friends go away, learn about who they are, have the time of their lives and come back completely different people. I'm afraid that's the only thing that will ever work for you at this stage. What, you're 24 now? You dont want to be living the same lifestyle as you are now as in a year, 2, 4 whatever do you? Get out there and do something completely out of character and go live your life, because otherwise i can still see you posting the same crap here in another 3 years time.

 

[Adr3nalin]

donjuanpablo is right, you need to get out of that place, "the definition of insanity is expecting different results by doing the same thing over again." So what you gotta do is just get out there, be more open to new kinds of people. Games and Sports weren't made for exercise, they were made so a society could interact and have **** to do and talk about with each other, a way for people to meet each other and interact; find new genes. The exact reason why the news is important to us; It gives people who don't know each other a commond ground, something they can connect to each other with. it's useful for little else.

anyway, just do something different whenever you can. start up a different sport, something you've always wanted to do. Or go to a class you think you'll find useful, like a cooking course, who knows what kind of girl u'll find there, or try a fuk'n yoga class, those places are packed full of HOT girls. Working out is not fun, it's work. Do something that will catch a woman's attention. like rock climbing, or skydiving, or surfing.

There are so many opportunities to meet new people, you just have to find creative ways to do so...In target rich environments.

 

[StuartScott x 2]

Get a job as a waiter/bartender. I haven't gone clubbing in over a year and I meet hot girls all the time waiting tables. It's not even funny how many numbers I've gotten in my 1 1/2 years of being a waiter.

 

[Walden]

I like the gym , you're definitely at the wrong one tho'. Go take a cardio class man you'll be amazed at how the gender ratio changes. At my gym theres like twenty chicks and two guys in the class (one is me , the other is the instructor).

Cofee houses seem like a good idea but there's no real interaction , I mean you go up , you buy your coffee you go sit and drink it then you leave a .little more tense than you came in.

Bookstores are good , as are big old music stores (little ones you wind up with some pimply clerk watching you mack his customers).

Some sports stores have running clubs attatched which can be good.

I'd be interested to hear more ideas too , good post!

 

[krd]

Moving somewhere else is really not an option for me. For one thing, I'll be attending college full time in the fall, so it wouldn't be a good idea to leave the city. I've never been on my own in my life and I'm not really sure if I could handle it. First I'd need to get a job, decent paying, so that I can afford to move away from mom and get my own place. I'd need to be able to afford a car, so that I won't need to bum rides all the time. Public transportation is okay, but what if I wanted to take a girl on a date?

I’ve only had one job in my life and it was entry-level and part time, so I have no real experience. Somebody would have to hire me first. If I were to get a job, it would take time away from school, and I have a hard enough time concentrating on my studies as it is. If I take a job, I’ll be jumping into something that, if things don’t work out, I’ll be stuck with. I’m not the kind of person who can just quit without having any consideration for the people I’m working for.

There are so many things in my life that haven’t been taken care of; I can’t decide on a whim to just leave without being prepared. It’s quite romantic to think of moving to a new place and getting a fresh start, but who’s to say I won’t end up taking all my problems with me? One thing I can’t escape is myself. There may be more places to meet women, but what’s going to happen once I meet them? I could just end up being lost in a city with no women, no family and no friends, either.

I went to a coffee house by myself last night and they had live music. As soon as I got there, I felt uncomfortable and couldn’t talk to anybody. I saw people around me having conversations, but I just sat there the whole time, and apart from congratulating the guy for a good performance, I just left when it was over. That’s a good example of trying something new and getting the same old results. I’m afraid it would be the same in another city, only on a larger scale.

Maybe it’s useless posting on this subject, because it seems that the place is irrelevant. Wherever I am, I’m always going to have a hard time meeting people, no matter what.

 

[isotope]

"Wherever I am, I’m always going to have a hard time meeting people, no matter what."

well with that attitude you sure wont change.

take a chance, say "fvck it!" just talk, talk to everyone. rent "pump up the volume" and just strike up convos with the preople at the gym, guys and girls. get into their social circles.

you are trying to find the easy ,way, the way to find the secret girl farm and get hot dates easily. There is no easy way, the only way is to change your personality into the type of guy that GETS those chicks. Are there any DJ's in your town who get hot dates? i bet there are. so why not you? it can only be one thing: attitude.

 

[krd]

The same way that I have a hard time talking to girls, so do I with the other guys in the gym. I feel like I would have so little in common with them, they may think "Who the hell is this kid, butting into our conversation?" Also, most of their lifestyles are completely different than mine. I hear them talk sometimes. Most of them have cars, jobs, and where do they hang out for fun? Bars, of course. They like to get drunk off their behinds. Sadly, the attitude of many people my age is that if there's no alcohol, there's no fun. Not that I'm against bars, but I have no idea how responsible many of these people are; I wouldn't want to put my life in danger by getting in a car with them.

If I were to hang out with these guys, especially with the intention of meeting women, I would be overlooked. Most of them are taller, more muscular, more masculine looking. I still look (literally) like a 17 year old boy (my 17 year old brother dwarfs me). No woman would even notice me amongst these guys, or could care less if they did. They don't even notice me alone. If I keep working out, maybe that will change.

Plus, I don't know if these guys would want someone like me to hang out with them. Although, I might briefly consider it if they offered. (I realize I may sound like there is a specific group of people that I am talking about, but this is not necessarily the case. However a lot of them speak with the girls at the front desk and they seem to move about in the same social circles. I hear them discussing what happened at such-and-such a place on Friday night, who got drunk, who did something dumb, etc).

My mom tells me all the time that I need to change my attitude. But it's tough when you've never experienced anything but failure. If there are DJ's in my town who are confident, maybe it's because they have a reason to be.

 

[davelmn2003]

krd, lose that loser's attitude. It's easier said than done, and, like you, I'm often plagued by self-doubt. But I can tell you that being a skinny guy that I am, I still got hit on several times (and I only discovered that I could get hit on recently). You have to wear a big smile on your face. Have that fun-loving attitude when you're around women. They seem to love that--at least women who've hit on me like that. It shows that even though a guy like me--non-muscular, skinny--can still attract girls' attention IF AND ONLY IF you change your attitude and tell yourself that at least SOME girls would find you attractive--if not here, elsewhere, if not now, later.

Why do you see beautiful women with the most ugly guys? It's their attitude my friend. Now, tell yourself that you look better than these guys, and if you change your attitude, you will have some successes; but be patient. If you get shot down a few times, don't be easily discouraged. Women don't like to hang around a depressed person (no one does).

Take this from a person who actually feels very much like you do. It's very hard to do, but you have to lose that loser's attitude as the first step. Women can smell that desperation, believe me.

 

[davelmn2003]

to be objective, though, I feel your pain...I don't have a car either, and I don't have a high-paying job (being a grad student). But I tell you, krd, if girls don't like you because you don't have a car or are not rich, then what kind of girls are they? Are they worth your time? No, unless, of course, you like "material girls".

Having said all of this....I think the fact that I don't have a car and am living in an unattractive place may have driven the girl I liked away...I still like her, but if that's what really drove her away, would she be worthy of me?? My rational head tells me: no...

 

[krd]

I don't think it's a real big deal if you live in a less than attractive place, although if it is a mess, or not well kept (clothes on the floor, dirty dishes everywhere, etc.), she may perceive it to be a reflection of who you are, so it's probably best to at least clean up before she visits. Other than that, I don't see it as that much of a problem.

In my case, I still live with my mom. One time, when I had a girl (just a friend) come over to visit, she expressed being uncomfortable that my mom was always around. I think that this could be a turn off to many women. They'd see me as a a "nice guy" who still lives with his mother, or something like a "mama's boy", still dependent on his mother. If a woman wants to be with a man who is independent and can make her feel secure and "protected", she's probably not going to find that in me. (The girl's boyfriend still lived with his mom, but he had his own little space downstairs, away from the rest of the house. Plus, he was soon graduating and well on his way to a career as an engineer.) It's these qualties that are important to a woman, and that's the image that money and material things project. Having these things, shows that you are an independent, driven individual who works hard. It's these qualities, for the most part, and not the objects themselves that are attractive to a woman. Of course there are always gold-diggers, and you are right that these types of women are not worth your time.

I actually believe I am a pretty good looking guy. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I say all these looks are going to go to waste, because I'm not going to look like this forever, and there's a chance I may never get a woman untill I'm 40, if I'm lucky. Like I said, the problem with my physical apperance is that I am very skinny and young looking. Looking young, I don't mind, but if I am smaller than a lot of women, themselves, of course I don't give off the perception that I can provide them security or make them feel feminine.

One girl I knew said that she would NEVER EVER date a guy who is thinner than she was. Of course she was always talking about watching her weight, calories and all that, but I actually think this is the attitude of most women, at least sub-conciously. So this is why I am going to the gym and trying to put on some muscle. Hopefully by September, when the fall semester starts, I'll have made a noticeable improvement.

When I do talk to women, I think I come off as friendly and positive. Maybe women have a sixth-sense that can see right through it, but I doubt it. Would one of those jerks and "alpha males" that women are attracted to be free of doubt and insecurity? He may have more of them then most people, but a woman probably wouldn't think of that. It's all about how he makes her feel when she's around him.

In class, we recently had a discussion about what qualities men and women both look for in a mate. With men, it's mostly looks and age. With women, it's status and security. Looks can often get you far, but if you don't have them, than you better make up for it with your personality, or your status, which I certainly don't.

Anyway, I guess one useful thing my mom can provide in this situation is encouragement to change my attitude. Sometimes my perception of things blows them way out of proportion and I realize that. Davelmn2003, you seem to have the same point of view as my mom, in that my attitude and negativity is my main problem.

 

[krd]

I was talking about bars and clubs simply because it was my perception, from hearing people talk about hang out in those places all the time. However, one guy I know at my gym was saying once how he wanted to go and drink alot so that he could appraoch some HBs at the bars. Ironically this guy is good looking and in great shape, with that ****y attitude women supposedly like so much. If it's hard for him, I can only imagine what it would be like for me.

So I guess some logical questions to ask would be: where or in what ways has it been most effective for you guys to meet women? How have you done it in the past? What continues to work for you?

 

[FlyGuy]

Personally I don't like clubs for picking up chicks. I find the competition is too high, the music is usually too loud to make conversation, and emphasis is on looks more than any other pickup atmosphere. Not that I'm ugly but I'm solidly in the "average" category. My personality is my biggest strength, and its hard to show it without conversation. I can't dance well either, which seems to be another key to getting with chicks at a club.

 

[davelmn2003]

I also have a plan for "self-improvement" over the summer, but nothing has really started yet. I still look as skinny as ever. I've eaten more since summer began, but I see no visible improvement. And I'm not even sure if working out helps me gain some weight, because normally do it to build muscles or get thinner...

I'm a later starter in this women-pursuing game. I did nothing pro-active to pursue them till 3 months or so ago. I was content to be a woman's good friend...

Not now. One thing though, is that I meet women in bars and clubs, not really places where I REALLY want to look for a LTR (which is what I want), but these are places that are known to be places where people go there for the purpose of having fun and meet people, unlike other places (like the library or a coffee shop).

I regret not having made any move when I was in college. Looking back it would be much easier to ask girls out. You go to classes, you have common subjects to talk about (if nothing else, at least you have the class and the prof. to talk about). That can be a good start. Now I'm in grad school, the classes are much smaller, and not that many women are available.

Yes, krd, definitely get rid of that loser's attitude. Listen to your mom! I think about the same kinds of things sometimes...almost exactly the same things: looking in the mirror and think to myself: I am no movie star but I look pretty good, and I am a friendly and nice person. But then, I also think: this look is not going to last--one day I'm going to get old and wrinkled and frail...and it's a depressing thought.

Turn that into a positive attitude. I try to do it by saying to myself: well now you're in your prime, and if you don't act now, you will regret for not being more bold around women when you sit in that wheelchair 40 years from now!! You'll look back to your youth and wonder why you weren't being more courageous then? It's now or never! So carry on, be bold around women, don't think negative thoughts, and if you do, imagine you're an old man who laments all the lost opportunities..now come back to reality and..whew! You still have that look, that energy, that future ahead of you. Now you should be less fearful of rejection...