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4 months into the breakup, I managed to re-establish contact with my ex and got her to agree to sit in a "therapy" session with me

Pan87

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I hate you guys lol lost my ex almost 2 years ago. It’ll be a year in August since we last spoke. And I’ve been slowly but surely squashing The idea of even the slightest possibility of ever getting her back. Although that’s the woman I’d Happily spend my life with. I just can’t tolerate any weakness in myself anymore. Now reading all this sh*t my stupid brain goes “oh, no contact is stupid, there’s hope”
I think No Contacts works on Men. It doesn't work on Women because of their different "war brides" wiring. I think "No Contact" advice is so mainstream precisely because it doesn't work. The mainstream WANTS men to fail.
 

Pan87

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No it's not a disaster. You failed to mention something called "the fading effect bias", which means the more time passes, the more the human brain tends to fill up with GOOD memories of something and downplay the bad stuff. No Contact is for the dumpée to move on, as a side effect it balances out the immediate power imbalance somewhat as time goes by.
They surely move on quicker than men but it's still highly individual how fast she will move on. Everything is about her perception of you, the relationship you had, her current situation, needs etc. too many factors to make it this black and white. No contact works in the dumpées favor in many many ways to where it's the by far the best option for the majority.


Well yes, but that's the problem and why No Contact is a thing in the first place. Being cool and calculated about it sounds easy in theory but the majority of guys, myself included can't think straight (even though i know the theory) immediately after a breakup with a woman who played a huge part of my life. Your emotions are stronger than logic and you can't hide from them. That's why time and space is needed - to think clearly again. When you reach that stage again, then you can do whatever but that's missing the point that we shouldn't pursue broken things. It's a futile endeavour. Experience has taught us that you might re-establish some sort of relationship for a brief period of time, until the same things make it break again. You can't negotiate true desire and when she's re-establishing contact then that dynamic is atleast somewhat established and you might have a better shot.


Many tried, and most failed. Being the dumpée you will never walk away having a strong frame. If a relationship becomes so broken/bad/toxic/not sustainable that she needs to be the one to end it before you do (because the signs are always obvious and there, cheating excluded), she'll lose even more respect for you and never see you as 'strong', no matter how strong you think you were during your time together. Women despise having to be the dumper since it's not a pleasant thing to do and they expect the man to show the balls and put them straight or to end it. It still takes two persons to make it work and the person getting dumped naturally tends to blame himself quite alot after the fact. You can still ask yourself why do you want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you?
Yeah, you got 'weak' and messed up and know better now, but do you want to be with someone that left you that easily and now views you as a suboptimal mating partner on a fundamental level. Emotions may be fleeting but having shown weakness in the past sits DEEP within women, they just don't forget weakness.


I believe it's possible to regain respect but it's just not a good investment of your time since it's an uphill battle the whole time, instead of starting fresh with no obstacles with someone who might see you as their superhero.
Also bear in mind that this is a forum of self-improvement and it makes sense not to encourage people to make bad investments of their time and going after an ex that doesn't want to be with you is.

It's good to have the common views challenged.
Keep us updated, might be informative.
I think the "Fading Effect Bias" only works on men. Because of illogical female hamster rationalisation, she will rewrite the entire history of the relationship so that she doesn't have to take responsibility for her poor decision.

I think we all agree that women never take responsibility for decisions that they make. Instead, a women will do anything to rationalise the decision she has made to leave the relationship - this usually entails finding another man, and following the advice of her friends (who become a "Cheer Squad" for her moving on).

No Contact helps the man to move on in time, if that's the goal. The woman has already moved on by the time the breakup occurs. Women grieve the end of the relationship while they are still in it. By the time a woman leaves, she has already emotionally broken up with the man months prior.

Pursuing an ex girlfriend and re-attracting her requires Balls of Steel. There can be no crying, no begging, no sorry's. It must all be done from a masculine frame of strength and dogged pursuit, with the simple goal of re-engaging her in dialogue that puts her in the "present moment" and makes her feel "tingles" or at least "happy". That is the only form of pursuit that a woman finds attractive. It is beta to give up on your goals too easily, cry and go into No Contact.

Think of the pursuit of your ex girlfriend like it is a football game. Do you beg and plead and cry for a touchdown? No. You are steely-eyed, running for the goal line.
 

Pan87

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I hate you guys lol lost my ex almost 2 years ago. It’ll be a year in August since we last spoke. And I’ve been slowly but surely squashing The idea of even the slightest possibility of ever getting her back. Although that’s the woman I’d Happily spend my life with. I just can’t tolerate any weakness in myself anymore. Now reading all this sh*t my stupid brain goes “oh, no contact is stupid, there’s hope”
It's never too late to re-attract an ex. If it's been 2 months or 2 years, the goal is to start again from scratch. The old relationship is dead and you're building a new one.....But it's up to the man to initiate this process. You're leading her back into attraction (which is an attractive, masculine thing to do - you're taking charge).
 

daproest1

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It's never too late to re-attract an ex. If it's been 2 months or 2 years, the goal is to start again from scratch. The old relationship is dead and you're building a new one.....But it's up to the man to initiate this process. You're leading her back into attraction (which is an attractive, masculine thing to do - you're taking charge).
@Spaz disagrees. And I wouldn’t even know where to start. She blocked me everywhere. 6 years. What a waste.
 

daproest1

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I think No Contacts works on Men. It doesn't work on Women because of their different "war brides" wiring. I think "No Contact" advice is so mainstream precisely because it doesn't work. The mainstream WANTS men to fail.
I kind of agree unless u do it right at first. Right when the split happens, u have to kind of disappear. I didn’t. But if I would’ve, she would’ve boomeranged right back. I chased like a moron. Showed weakness. That’s a no no.
 

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daproest1

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How has your growth and improvement been with her gone? Probably making better decisions?
still kind of dying from the inside out. But got new gf, a 6 picked her out of the rotation of 8-10s I had Late last year and earlier this year Cuz when I dislocated my shoulder In January, this year, she was the most attentive And helpfully she actually cared. She doesn’t argue. And she’s sweet and nurturing. But we’re men. When you’re used to 9-10s with brains, a 6, even though shes the sweetest woman I’ve ever met, With less brains, doesn’t cut it.

everything else is kinda better. Money/business wise. And I bought a motorcycle. One of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Riding is therapeutic.

but the scar/pain/longing still lingers in the background on a daily basis.i wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Whoever here manages to salvage things with an ex gf they adore, regardless of how they do it, im happy for them.
 

mrgoodstuff

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still kind of dying from the inside out. But got new gf, a 6 picked her out of the rotation of 8-10s I had Late last year and earlier this year Cuz when I dislocated my shoulder In January, this year, she was the most attentive And helpfully she actually cared. She doesn’t argue. And she’s sweet and nurturing. But we’re men. When you’re used to 9-10s with brains, a 6, even though shes the sweetest woman I’ve ever met, With less brains, doesn’t cut it.

everything else is kinda better. Money/business wise. And I bought a motorcycle. One of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Riding is therapeutic.

but the scar/pain/longing still lingers in the background on a daily basis.i wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Whoever here manages to salvage things with an ex gf they adore, regardless of how they do it, im happy for them.
The 6 treats you better than the 9's?
 

daproest1

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The 6 treats you better than the 9's?
****ing supremely better. U know why? RAISED BY HER FATHER. She knows how to be a woman. He taught her. She’s not brainwashed. Doesn’t have a ton of dumbass girlfriends either. So she cooks, cleans, happily, without me asking, and is always making sure I’m ok.
 

BeExcellent

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But you feel you are settling. You still pine for your ex GF. You think there is someone hotter out there who will care like your current woman does.

How will you handle being out somewhere and having more beautiful women tell you your 6 is unattractive (when deep down you believe this yourself)...are you being fair or kind to this woman who gives so much to you?

Give all that some thought.
 

Spaz

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@Spaz disagrees. And I wouldn’t even know where to start. She blocked me everywhere. 6 years. What a waste.
Since I hv the knowledge, the experience, the capabilities and lastly, efficiency.

I can predict with a high percentage of accuracy of what you're life will turn out.

If I can know your mindset, I will know ur past, ur present and will be able to know ur future.

That's why Spaz disagrees.

So far, which part of what I told you has been wrong?
 

Pan87

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****ing supremely better. U know why? RAISED BY HER FATHER. She knows how to be a woman. He taught her. She’s not brainwashed. Doesn’t have a ton of dumbass girlfriends either. So she cooks, cleans, happily, without me asking, and is always making sure I’m ok.
That's a shame. Girls with Daddy Issues are much more fun. You can fulfill the role of "Daddy" and it's a power trip unlike any other (if you can handle the drama and volatility).

I think the reason that my ex-back situation has been successful (so far) is that she has painted me as dangerous and abusive. She has likely promised all her friends, family and therapist that she will NEVER go back to me. That has the effect of painting me as "forbidden", which actually makes it a sexy situation for her.
 

Robert28

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It's never too late to re-attract an ex. If it's been 2 months or 2 years, the goal is to start again from scratch. The old relationship is dead and you're building a new one.....But it's up to the man to initiate this process. You're leading her back into attraction (which is an attractive, masculine thing to do - you're taking charge).
But we are told attraction can’t be manipulated.
 

Pan87

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It can beforehand. Before it's lost. After it's gone, it's virtually impossible to build attraction again.
I think this is a Feminist myth which ascribes some kind of superhuman status to the strength of the female mind i.e. "Once a woman makes her mind up about a guy, then it can never be shifted."

Where guys struggle is when they have been "dumped" then can never get out of needy, self-sabotaging beta mindset with the woman who dumped him. The man fails to lead her back into attraction because he carries the baggage and shame of being dumped. She becomes his eternal source of validation, and this is where the failure to re-attract her comes in.

If you approach a woman who has dumped you in a non-needy way, pass her sh!t tests (because she will try to smoke out your needy Oneitis), then why wouldn't she become re-attracted?

If you don't show her a new image of yourself in a strong, masculine, non-needy frame then she will never be re-attracted. Most guys can't hold this frame because they are in the mindset of "Omg. She's the One. I need her, and she doesn't need me. I hate myself. Why doesn't she love me anymore?" - This is ego death and no woman wants this.
 
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Pan87

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But we are told attraction can’t be manipulated.
Yes, attraction can be manipulated. This is the essence of Game. Attraction follows a system - most women are fundamentally attracted to a guy who doesn't need them. If she has previously seen you as "needy" and then sees you in a new frame of "non-needy", then she will become re-attracted (after heavy sh!t testing to make sure it's genuine and you're not a beta in wolf's clothing).

If you back-slide into beta behaviour then she'll dump you again because she'll know it was an act. The key is to make it genuine. You have to genuinely not "need" her, and this is where (I believe) most guys fail in re-attraction.
 

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Pan87

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@Spaz disagrees. And I wouldn’t even know where to start. She blocked me everywhere. 6 years. What a waste.
6 years since you broke up? I suggest calling her from a number that you're not blocked on and engaging her in a nice chat, with the goal of getting her out to coffee. Start with small goals and treat it all like it's a girl you're meeting for the first time.

If she's with a new guy now, then act cool and try again in 4 months. Most relationships only last 1-6 months these days.
 

mrgoodstuff

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****ing supremely better. U know why? RAISED BY HER FATHER. She knows how to be a woman. He taught her. She’s not brainwashed. Doesn’t have a ton of dumbass girlfriends either. So she cooks, cleans, happily, without me asking, and is always making sure I’m ok.
Them girlfriends of our women be killing us. So if she got into fitness and spent a little more time on her outer polish shell be an even nicer gem.
 

HyenaPrince

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I think this is a Feminist myth which ascribes some kind of superhuman status to the strength of the female mind i.e. "Once a woman makes her mind up about a guy, then it can never be shifted."

Where guys struggle is when they have been "dumped" then can never get out of needy, self-sabotaging beta mindset with the woman who dumped him. The man fails to lead her back into attraction because he carries the baggage and shame of being dumped. She becomes his eternal source of validation, and this is where the failure to re-attract her comes in.

If you approach a woman who has dumped you in a non-needy way, pass her sh!t tests (because she will try to smoke out your needy Oneitis), then why wouldn't she become re-attracted?

If you don't show her a new image of yourself in a strong, masculine, non-needy frame then she will never be re-attracted. Most guys can't hold this frame because they are in the mindset of "Omg. She's the One. I need her, and she doesn't need me. I hate myself. Why doesn't she love me anymore?" - This is ego death and no woman wants this.
That's not what I'm talking about. If a woman rejects you before even knowing you, you can alter her attraction level. But you can never rebuild attraction in a woman who you've been with, if she sees you as a beta or loses respect. You can somewhat pull back and try to get her attraction back, but she'll never see you the same way again. Go try. You'll have better chances arranging a threesome with Amber Heard and a Xanax.
 

Pan87

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That's not what I'm talking about. If a woman rejects you before even knowing you, you can alter her attraction level. But you can never rebuild attraction in a woman who you've been with, if she sees you as a beta or loses respect. You can somewhat pull back and try to get her attraction back, but she'll never see you the same way again. Go try. You'll have better chances arranging a threesome with Amber Heard and a Xanax.
I take your point, but I don't think this is based on reality. This seems to me more like a defeatist mindset. Female perceptions can be changed.
 

HyenaPrince

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This seems to me more like a defeatist mindset. Female perceptions can be changed.
What are you talking about? It doesn't have anything to do with a defeatist mindset nor a beta mindset as you mentioned before. It's called not wasting time with a person that doesn't find you attractive anymore. Why put time and energy in such a person? Wouldn't you rater go out and meet new people without going through those struggles?

I don't know you, but from what you wrote here and the "fact" that you are a sex addict, it seems like you can't let things just go. You need to go after them obsessively and rebuild what you've lost or destroyed. That's extremely unhealthy for your self respect and value.
 
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