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4 months into the breakup, I managed to re-establish contact with my ex and got her to agree to sit in a "therapy" session with me

Pan87

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*Caveat - this is a long post about stalking and repeated attempts to get my ex back. I ask for no judgements because what I have done here may be extremely ill-advised from a legal standpoint.

I initially joined SoSuave because of a breakup with the hottest girl I've ever been with. This is the first time I've ever experienced any pain or Oneitis associated with a girl. I have lots of experience with women and this is truly my first "fall" as a man. My ego took an extreme hit from this experience and has led me to engage in risky behaviour that I never would have imagined myself capable of.

Here's the story;

The relationship with my Oneitis went for 2.5 years. I was struggling with sex addiction throughout the relationship and got caught cheating several times over the course of the first year we were together. The cheating was bad. The final time I was caught, she found videos of me having sex with another woman on my phone (first person camera view, doggy style on our bed). Long story short, this basically traumatised her and led to a series of very short-term break-ups. Crucial to getting her back was we remained in contact and I was able to attract her back. The relationship continued for another year.

The final break-up came when I basically preempted that she was planning to leave me. She was emotionally distancing, spending more time with her friends, becoming more dismissive towards me - I don't think she ever forgave me for cheating + I became somewhat beta in the final year by not really "leading" the relationship anymore and acting more aloof and letting her do whatever she wanted. I wasn't the confident alpha anymore that she had met at the beginning of our relationship. I acted more emotional and needy in this final year, smoked loads of weed, and emotionally checked myself out of the relationship in the final months I was with her. The sex stopped about 2 weeks before we broke up the final time, and this was largely because I wouldn't initiate and I'd become sulky and dejected.

I orchestrated the break-up, but messed it up by getting violently angry by how easily she agreed to end it at first. The outcome I was hoping for was she would beg me back, and this was misguided. I had given her ammunition. After she left, she became upset and chased me for a few days after the break-up. I ghosted her while I sorted my head out. 3 days later I tried to contact her and found out that I was blocked everywhere.

After I was blocked, I went No Contact for about a week to see if this was temporary. After a week I made significant efforts to re-establish dialogue. I was blocked from all avenues (facebook, whatsapp, alternate phone number etc.) I then made the cardinal mistake of going to her place and talking to her through the intercom (she wouldn't come out to meet me because she "didn't feel safe"). This conversation through the intercom did give me some useful information though - She had begun seeing a therapist and I realised I was up against a professional who had deemed our relationship "toxic" and my ex had undergone the lightswitch effect (flicked a switch in her mind and completely re-written our history). She was cold and completely uninterested in reconciliation. I ended the conversation and went into 2 months of No Contact. During this time I sought therapy from different professionals, got lots of different perspectives, and underwent a transformation. I learned a lot about myself and came to the conclusion that I had lost a good woman, maybe the best woman I'd ever find. I understand that this is scarcity mindset, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I'd truly lost a special girl and, as time went on, these feelings persisted. I also truly regret the mistakes I made in the relationship, and feel I could build a stronger and healthier relationship with her if I ever had the chance again.

Eventually, I felt strong enough to try and re-engage with my ex and felt I was strongly placed to re-attract her. After 2 months of No Contact, I expected her to be a bit more receptive to talking. This turned out to be misguided. I reached out to her on the one avenue where I knew I wasn't blocked - LinkedIn. The message was casual, non-needy and giving brief and light-hearted updates about my life, and also expressing regret for what had happened. I was blocked on LinkedIn about a week later. At this point I realised I was facing a very difficult situation, and I spiralled into depression as my plans for reconciliation appeared to be decimated.

A month went by and I wasn't feeling any better. I was holding onto hope that at some point she may reach out, but I realised I had no control over this and that it may never happen. I dated and banged other women in this time, but none compared to her.

After a month, by chance, I saw my ex walking down the street as I was drove past her. Me and my ex live a few hundred metres apart so it was bound to happen. She looked awful, like she had aged 10 years. I put this down to either heavy drinking or medication she may have been taking. This put the idea in my head that, due her appearing unhappy, that maybe I should try to reconnect again. I went about it badly (of course) as I had no other way of reaching her other than an alternate number or going to her place. I tried calling her and going to her place several times and was ignored. I began to seriously worry that I may end up with a stalking charge and that I shouldn't make any more attempts. I let it lie for a week. I received no contact from the police and I noticed she hadn't blocked the alternate number I'd tried to call her from. My imagination took hold - "Was she enjoying these attempts I was making? Does she want to see me chase?" This was dangerous thinking, but it led me to make one final attempt.

I went to her place today. A tenant let me into the building and I went to her front door in her apartment complex. I heard her talking on the phone through the door. She sounded like she was talking to someone official, maybe the police or her therapist, because she said "I think he's actually at my door now. Can you wait on the line please?"

She then called out my name. I spoke to her through the door and met resistance in the form of "I don't want you calling me or coming here. It's scary." I disarmed her by saying that I was just checking she was okay because she'd vanished without a word and had threatened suicide in the past. I told her I wasn't chasing a relationship and that I'd been seeing a therapist who had opened my eyes to mistakes I'd made in the relationship and that I'd been on a journey. I asked her to join me in a therapy session for support. She immediately agreed, but asked me to get my therapist to get in contact with her. I told her my therapist will be in touch. She pulled back a bit by saying that she "couldn't promise anything."

I'm waiting now for my therapist to confirm an appointment with her. I realise that if my ex is able to sit with me in a room for an hour then my chances of re-attracting her are quite good. I assume that if she was completely over me then she would have rejected the therapy session outright.

That's where I'm up to. Thanks for reading. I thought I'd share my crazy, semi-illegal, getting-my-ex-back story with this forum. I'd appreciate any perspectives on my situation.
 
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Pan87

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is penis and vegana involved in that 'therapy session' or na
That's step 2. After therapy, suggest dinner and then place her hand on my creepy, stalker penis.

Edit: The purpose of therapy is to get some face-to-face interaction with her in a "safe" environment.
 

Pan87

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Stop wasting your time. It's just *****. That's all it is.
It's just......?

It is a waste of time and I know that logically, but in times of Corona, Oneitis takes hold like a dark spirit. I've been banging new women, but quality women are eluding me.

Where I am currently located (Sydney), a huge number of women have simply vanished from the market. It must be the extreme fear and anxiety that is being generated by the media. I also am unable to travel, which has been my traditional "cure-all" for a hard reset from a break-up, although admittedly this is the first time I've ever had to process being dumped. I've lived a bit of a charmed life and my brain just isn't wired for Loss. Big learning experience for me.

*Quick update, my ex hasn't responded to the therapy booking so it seems like she was just placating me.

My tactic from here is just to go indefinite No Contact and see if she reaches out at some point in the future (but I won't bank on it).
Trying to reconnect with this ex is like pushing sh!t uphill with a toothpick.
 

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Pan87

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your ex wants nothing to do with you.... move on... seriously. Your on a forum that can give you the keys to the Ferrari and your working on getting a restraining order and jacking your life up.
Agreed. Like I said, my tactic from here is Indefinite No Contact and see if she reaches out in the future, with acknowledgement that it likely may never happen.

It's time to go looking for a new Ferrari.
 

HyenaPrince

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Agreed. Like I said, my tactic from here is Indefinite No Contact and see if she reaches out in the future, with acknowledgement that it likely may never happen.

It's time to go looking for a new Ferrari.
Why do you want her back so badly?
 

Robert28

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Man I get it. We’ve all had that one ex we chased incessantly when we realize just how bad we messed up. Men are fixers, we want to fix stuff RIGHT NOW. We hate waiting and we don’t believe time heals all, at least I don’t. The worst breakup I ever got was “I’m gonna take a step back and take some time, you keep doing the same **** and I’m tired of it”. She worded it in a way that left uncertainty, what does take a step back mean? How much time? I’d never heard that phrase before, didn’t know wtf it meant. Was this a break? A cowards way to breakup with me? Didn’t know. All I know is a month passed and nothing from her. I started to panic. She didn’t block me everywhere but she wouldn’t respond to two emails I sent. I waited a couple weeks and called, left a voicemail and I’d spent a week figuring out what to say. Had my tone down perfect, said all I needed to say. I was trying to get her to meet me and talk. She messaged me back a day later, not call not text, a message. A day later. “Just wanted you to know I got your message. Thank you. Will reach out when ready to talk”. I knew she wouldn’t but I waited some more, but that day never came. Months passed. Nothing. I went on dates and fvcked many a girls but didn’t help, bandaid at best. Working out didn’t help, but i think it kept me from going totally insane and spiraling into a depression.
 

Pan87

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Man I get it. We’ve all had that one ex we chased incessantly when we realize just how bad we messed up. Men are fixers, we want to fix stuff RIGHT NOW. We hate waiting and we don’t believe time heals all, at least I don’t. The worst breakup I ever got was “I’m gonna take a step back and take some time, you keep doing the same **** and I’m tired of it”. She worded it in a way that left uncertainty, what does take a step back mean? How much time? I’d never heard that phrase before, didn’t know wtf it meant. Was this a break? A cowards way to breakup with me? Didn’t know. All I know is a month passed and nothing from her. I started to panic. She didn’t block me everywhere but she wouldn’t respond to two emails I sent. I waited a couple weeks and called, left a voicemail and I’d spent a week figuring out what to say. Had my tone down perfect, said all I needed to say. I was trying to get her to meet me and talk. She messaged me back a day later, not call not text, a message. A day later. “Just wanted you to know I got your message. Thank you. Will reach out when ready to talk”. I knew she wouldn’t but I waited some more, but that day never came. Months passed. Nothing. I went on dates and fvcked many a girls but didn’t help, bandaid at best. Working out didn’t help, but i think it kept me from going totally insane and spiraling into a depression.
Thanks for this man. I'm glad you can relate to my story.

I think there's a small window, after a breakup, to re-attract an ex girlfriend before she undergoes whats known as the "light switch effect", which relates to Briffault's Law.

This idea that giving your ex "space" by going No Contact is possibly the most destructive advice that can ever be given to a man who has been dumped. Women are "creatures of the moment" and you are literally only as good as your last "moment" with a woman. All history and investment gets re-written in her mind as she is entirely governed by her present emotional state. If you don't abruptly start giving your ex the "tingles" then her rewrite of history becomes cemented in days/weeks at most.

Women come back to ex boyfriends when rebounds fail and they run out of options - but we all know that women have unlimited options and abundance until they reach their 50's in this current world.
 
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Pan87

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Why do you want her back so badly?
In my 32 years, she was the finest Ferrari I'd ever met. Also, Oneitis is a male disease that makes us chase a women hopelessly, long after their attraction for us is dead and buried.

Manwh0res are especially vulnerable to Oneitis because we are running on Dopamine and Adrenaline from casual sex and mini-relationships, but we are not getting the Oxycontin drugs of bonding and affection (to have casual sex, you have to avoid bonding). Once we start experiencing the new powerful drugs of pair bonding Oxycontin then we can easily get hooked on it.
 

HyenaPrince

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In my 32 years, she was the finest Ferrari I'd ever met. Also, Oneitis is a male disease that makes us chase a women hopelessly, long after their attraction for us is dead and buried.

Manwh0res are especially vulnerable to Oneitis because we are running on Dopamine and Adrenaline from casual sex and mini-relationships, but we are not getting the Oxycontin drugs of bonding and affection (to have casual sex, you have to avoid bonding). Once we start experiencing the new powerful drugs of pair bonding Oxycontin then we can easily get hooked on it.
That's just an excuse for going after her and get further humiliated. You have zero self-respect. Not to mention the fact that you cheated on her repeatedly. Why enter a monogamous relationship if you're going to cheat anyway? You want to prevent her from sleeping with other men, but you're not willing to do so yourself. That's the epitome of a low value man.

You have some other construction sites to work on. Forget her and women in general for now. Find your deeper masculinity and self-respect.
 

Pan87

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That's just an excuse for going after her and get further humiliated. You have zero self-respect. Not to mention the fact that you cheated on her repeatedly. Why enter a monogamous relationship if you're going to cheat anyway? You want to prevent her from sleeping with other men, but you're not willing to do so yourself. That's the epitome of a low value man.

You have some other construction sites to work on. Forget her and women in general for now. Find your deeper masculinity and self-respect.
Tiger Woods cheated on his wife repeatedly. Is he a low value man? He's just one example of many...

The reality is men want the best of both worlds - A stable female anchor at home + new, strange, adventure sex on the side.

My story is the archetypal story of Man.

Chasing your ex is not low value if you've made mistakes and want to make amends and reconcile. It's low value if you made no mistakes in the relationship and she simply lost attraction and money-branched (that's beside the point anyway because I've made enough effort and I've given up the ghost now).
 

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Pan87

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You cannot negotiate genuine desire

Like Rollo said.
Therapy is a waste of time.
The point isn't the "therapy". The point is to get her out in person and re-attract her. The therapy is a ruse.

I agree that chasing a woman who has dumped a guy is probably a waste of time in general... But it's worth a shot. Maybe it's just part of the moving on process to know that I've done all I can to salvage it.
 

HyenaPrince

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Tiger Woods cheated on his wife repeatedly. Is he a low value man? He's just one example of many...

The reality is men want the best of both worlds - A stable female anchor at home + new, strange, adventure sex on the side.

My story is the archetypal story of Man.

Chasing your ex is not low value if you've made mistakes and want to make amends and reconcile. It's low value if you made no mistakes in the relationship and she simply lost attraction and money-branched (that's beside the point anyway because I've made enough effort and I've given up the ghost now).
I think it's disproportional putting yourself next to Tiger Woods. That guy was a literal rock star. Women were jumping on him everywhere he went. And yes, that makes him low-value in that aspect. That woman was a Swedish model. Don't you think she was fooling around as well?

Besides, afterwards he degraded himself so badly, he should have left the country afterwards. He claimed to be a sex addict and apologized publicly at a press conference. What the f*ck? He went from alpha to super beta real quick. Only because he's a multi millionaire, probably even billionaire, doesn't mean he's a high-value man when it comes to dating women. You can be low-value regarding the dating aspect and still be high-value when it comes to your social life. Those don't have to interfere with one another.
 

mrgoodstuff

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I think it's disproportional putting yourself next to Tiger Woods. That guy was a literal rock star. Women were jumping on him everywhere he went. And yes, that makes him low-value in that aspect. That woman was a Swedish model. Don't you think she was fooling around as well?

Besides, afterwards he degraded himself so badly, he should have left the country afterwards. He claimed to be a sex addict and apologized publicly at a press conference. What the f*ck? He went from alpha to super beta real quick. Only because he's a multi millionaire, probably even billionaire, doesn't mean he's a high-value man when it comes to dating women. You can be low-value regarding the dating aspect and still be high-value when it comes to your social life. Those don't have to interfere with one another.
Like Elon Musk fooling with Johnny Depp abusive and unstable wife Amber Heard.

Do you think Tiger was acting far out of the norm relative to his peers?
 

Pan87

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I think it's disproportional putting yourself next to Tiger Woods. That guy was a literal rock star. Women were jumping on him everywhere he went. And yes, that makes him low-value in that aspect. That woman was a Swedish model. Don't you think she was fooling around as well?

Besides, afterwards he degraded himself so badly, he should have left the country afterwards. He claimed to be a sex addict and apologized publicly at a press conference. What the f*ck? He went from alpha to super beta real quick. Only because he's a multi millionaire, probably even billionaire, doesn't mean he's a high-value man when it comes to dating women. You can be low-value regarding the dating aspect and still be high-value when it comes to your social life. Those don't have to interfere with one another.
Plenty of "sex addicts" like myself find themselves in relationships in a subdued period and are monogamous for a time, before the craving for sex with different women comes back. That's normal.

Men cheating on their partners is one of the most common things in the world, particularly for men who find it easy to seduce and have sex with different women.
 

lamath

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The point isn't the "therapy". The point is to get her out in person and re-attract her. The therapy is a ruse.

I agree that chasing a woman who has dumped a guy is probably a waste of time in general... But it's worth a shot. Maybe it's just part of the moving on process to know that I've done all I can to salvage it.
Was talking about attraction, but maybe this wasnt the reason for the break up.

None the less , she has to come back by herself if she was the one that dump you.

anyway i wish you luck
 
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