Wife cheated, devorce process started.. Help to heal.

[Epimanes]

I'm fine iif they feel they need to beat me down. No skin off my back. I know how to keep my marriage happy and keep my wife in love with me. I'm happily married for 16 years to an amazing woman and been with her for 20 years total.

Marriage builders works... Both my wife and I follow its principals and as a result I get my needs met properly and so does my wife. She's happy.. I'm happy my kids are happy. 6 years ago(heck 9 years ago when my youngest was born) I would have sang a different song because my kids were young and my wife and I hardly had time for eachother so that resulted in a very unhappy marriage and very little sex and a lot of fights. I couldn't throw away my marriage cuz we didn't have sex so our vows kept us together through the unhappy times even though we didn't feel like it. What sex we did have was mostly duty sex and that sucks.

But once we found marriage builders it taught us that FEELINGS FOLLOW ACTIONS and there is a formula to stay in love thats different for each person (MB tools helps you learn eachothers formula to help you stay in love). So once we got in the habit of treating eachother better because of it, it was a game changer and then SS helped me with amused mastery for moments when my wife is not on her best game.

So.. Bash me all ya like. I got a fantastic wife at my side. All the sex I can handle and 2 very talented children. Once they are grown up I will have my wife to myself again and I will still have many years ahead of me to build an enjoyable lifestyle with her as we continue to make eachother a priority.

Epi

 

[Colossus]

You know Epimanes, I respect your opinion here and I think it is necessary, at least from a moderator's perspective. Sosuave is stoutly anti-marriage and I think you are the only regular champion of marriage and marriage mending on here. And you are correct, Sosuave is not really in the business of saving marriages. We are in the business of getting men laid and giving them game.

On a personal level, I think marriage builders has some sound principles (many of them red pill friendly) and I have even used some in my own relationship. However, I draw the line with "rebuilding" after and affair, and frankly I think MB is way too equaaalllity focused, to the point of encouraging beta cuckold behavior from men. That pop-psych gynocracy "please your wife" tripe is what landed many guys here. I've read the articles:

"How to make your wife happy"
"How to survive and affair"
"Why women leave men"
"Snooping"

This is dangerous beta rhetoric and I cant support it. Furthermore, nowhere on that site (that I have seen) is there ANY warning to men about the massive leverage marriage gives women---financially, economically, and socially. It's absurd, and no one is calling women or society at large out on this sh!t. Everything is skewed in their favor, and they have little and less to lose with much and more to gain from marrying a man. The days are gone when a divorced woman is shamed, jobless, and needy. There are no real consequences (I daresay there are REWARDS for women), and they are collectively allowed to run roughshod over men with impunity when spurned, or when it suits whatever mid-life whimsy they are having.

It's not that I have a problem with "husband and wife". I have a problem with a fully sanctioned idiocracy that gives women unilateral legal POWER to absolutely destroy a man. MB may help heal marriages, but it is not a champion of men, make no mistake.

I would like to be married myself, but I am massively struggling with the legalities and risks involved. I love my gf, and she truly makes my life better. I want to make her my wife, but I also dont want to sign away all my future rights and freedoms. It's a tough choice and it shouldn't be this tough. Men need to see both sides of the war---the broken divorced AND the happily married. Sosuave definitely selects for the broken bitter divorced, so there is a big selection bias here.

 

[Epimanes]

I get what your saying Colossus..However you have this married guy section on a site dedicated to getting puzzy at all costs even to the extreme of cheating when your needs are not met (IE: spin plate, next her, ignore tactics, etc don't work in. Long term marriage). I only share this stuff because I know it works. I also know that not everyone can handle an affair in their marriage. But if you learn how to avoid affairs (taking extraordinary precautions) and make eachother happy and have a great marriage, why not know how? All I read here is men whining they don't get laid as if that's all life has to offer and tactics to trick them into bed. Where is the sustainability in that?

With a married guy section.. Where is the SS advice to make it so happy you don't need to cheat to get your primal needs met as a man? How would SS advice to keep marriages happy if MB stuff is so bogus. Why have a married guy section at all if there is no going to be someone to give advice to help keep the marriage intact? What would SS suggest to keep the marriage happy long term if your spouse was struggling with illness and couldn't meet the mans need for sex. What about keeping the marriage alive if you got kids pulling at your legs all the time.. Is sex so important that its worth throwing into the wind for 5 seconds of pleasure? So many guys here seem shallow and unhappy. No wonder they can't keep a women for more than a few months. No one here has a plan to create an emotional bond to their signifigant other for long term. Especially if they feel they may have landed a quality woman.

Also.. I don't believe in marriage at all costs. Cheating gives the betrayed spouse a "get out of jail free" card as far as I'm concerend. But what if the poster who is struggling WANTS to reconcile? I have read so many MB threads that started out with cheating and proclaimed it was over.. To follow the MB guide on affairs and how to get over them they ended up with a far better marriage than pre affair. I have read many others that also couldn't take the betrayal and they ended it but used MB to build a new marriage with proper boundries. No its not for everyone.. I agree. But you got this married guy section that needs supporting advice for those thay want a happy marriage. And I seem to be the only one who is offering marriage supporting advice.

Epi

Edit: I also agree that MB doesn't have 100% of the answers either.. But has a lot more answers than here does. If MB had all the answers I wouldn't be here.

Edit2: I have also read many threads on MB where a guy got support and followed the MB advice and ended up with the good end of the stick in divorce because he did what they reccomended. So guys don't always get the **** end of the stick as everyone here thinks. They just don't know how to make sure that doesnt happen if they get married. Infact there is several ppl on that forum that happen to be attourneys and often post on ppls threads to help steer them from trouble in those trying times.

 

[SamTheHobit]

Lawyer up. Hit the gym.

If this was suadi Arabia she would be punished by death.

 

[CJ 101]

I'm fine iif they feel they need to beat me down. No skin off my back. I know how to keep my marriage happy and keep my wife in love with me. I'm happily married for 16 years to an amazing woman and been with her for 20 years total.

Marriage builders works... Both my wife and I follow its principals and as a result I get my needs met properly and so does my wife. She's happy.. I'm happy my kids are happy. 6 years ago(heck 9 years ago when my youngest was born) I would have sang a different song because my kids were young and my wife and I hardly had time for eachother so that resulted in a very unhappy marriage and very little sex and a lot of fights. I couldn't throw away my marriage cuz we didn't have sex so our vows kept us together through the unhappy times even though we didn't feel like it. What sex we did have was mostly duty sex and that sucks.

But once we found marriage builders it taught us that FEELINGS FOLLOW ACTIONS and there is a formula to stay in love thats different for each person (MB tools helps you learn eachothers formula to help you stay in love). So once we got in the habit of treating eachother better because of it, it was a game changer and then SS helped me with amused mastery for moments when my wife is not on her best game.

So.. Bash me all ya like. I got a fantastic wife at my side. All the sex I can handle and 2 very talented children. Once they are grown up I will have my wife to myself again and I will still have many years ahead of me to build an enjoyable lifestyle with her as we continue to make eachother a priority.

Epi

Dude you need to start taking a closer look at your wife also causeshe's probably sleeping around on you also.A typical sensitive, marshmallow, beta mangina like yourself always marries a cheating skank. You just don't understand women.

 

[Epimanes]

And your right.. I am a marrriage champion. MB is equality based but if you knew anything about MB you would also know under those principals women need to lose their attitude also. They can't just go on being disrespectful and verbally abusive etc and expect a man to just be happy about it. That's not reasonable nor should it be tolerated in marriage. But as men we need to learn to keep our frame in those moments (where amused mastery comes in handy) so as not to let ourselves get caught up in HER frame. Eventually her emotional side calms down and she can then think rationally because we don't fail those shyt tests. Its all part of being married. Women will NEVER be emotionally stable.

If I said to you that I would pay you 10million dollars IF after 20 years of marriage you were still happily married to the same person. Wouldn't you do your best to make sure you got that 10mil 20 years from now? You wouldn't get the 10mil until the 20years was up and you had to be happily married. Not just bumbling along wishing you were not married and take a polygram to verify your happiness. When you make eachother a priority and your both happy for doing so. It feels like winning the lottery some days and it can be done if both spouses put in their best effort.

Epi

 

[Epimanes]

Dude you need to start taking a closer look at your wife also causeshe's probably sleeping around on you also.A typical sensitive, marshmallow, beta mangina like yourself always marries a cheating skank. You just don't understand women.

Pssht... I laugh in your face. You have no idea how great my marriage is. No my wife is not cheating. I can see her phone anytime I want. She texts me all day. Her facebook is always left open. We phone swap occasionally.

Our entire family is riddled with infidelity and we both swore to eachother to not end up like every one of our extended family members who have all suffered from infidelity and promised to take extraordinary precautions and be priorities for eachother. If I need to get laid. I just tell her or do it. If my wife needs to talk I am an active listener. We are both fully transparent with eachother. Nothing to hide. We leave our phones unlocked.. Computers open.. Whatever it takes to feel secure we both do it without question.

Any other accusations?

Epi

 

[DaBrite1]

Hi All,

Thank you very much for the sound advice.
I am by no means going to try and salvage the marriage. It is over, this was not a one night stand or something that can be called a 'mistake' but a relationship she nurtured with this guy.

Actions taken so far:
1. Started gym
2. Approached attorneys to initiate the divorce process, she has been served the summons already.
3. Approached a counseling therapist for me and the 8 year old as I noticed she starting to withdraw to herself most of the time.
4. I have changed all the setup in my bedroom, bought new sheets etc, maybe this will subconsciously have some impact and help give me some sleep. I would even love to move to a new place but financially it won't be possible now.


The boyfriend has moved town.

The support I receive from church is amazing. but I feel like I take 1 step forward and 2 steps back.

Yesterday about 3 people after church came to me and told me that they new/suspected that something was going but were afraid to tell me. So knowing that there were people who were aware of this all the time is sickening. I only slept for about an hour last night.

 

[DaBrite1]

I will give you my thoughts in bold[/B]



Two BIG pieces of advice:

1. Do NOT correspond with her by ANY written form. Email, etc. Or preferably, at all. She may try and push your buttons to get you to say or do something that will affect your custody. (Threats, etc) I am SERIOUS. Don't have any contact with her at all, if possible. NONE. ANYTHING you send her by email, etc will be PROMPTLY forwarded to her lawyer to use against you. I learned this the hard way.

2. STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM BOOZE. Again, I didn't do this, and it was a big mistake. It will lead to depression, stupid mistakes, low self-worth, a claim you are not a good Father, etc. Stay away from it!!

Good luck buddy. All I can tell you, is it WILL get better, and you are NOT the one in the wrong here. Stay strong

Thank you!!!

 

[Epimanes]

Sorry for your loss man. Its tough. You have every right to divorce your wife. As far as church.. I'm christian but found lately churches leave a bad taste in my mouth.

Lawyer up.. Gym it up.. Sort your head (don't rush into another relationship) and gather whatever evidence you have against your wife to steer the case in your favor. And I pray you get custody of your kids if you have any. Get them away from this new guy..

Epi

 

[Colossus]

Epi:

I agree with you that SS lacks any substantial "marriage building" advice, so I think you are contributing something valuable, even if most guys here dont agree. To be honest, marital advice is really outside of the scope of SS. Spinning plates, being aloof, insulting and obfuscating to various degrees is not healthy for a marriage and that should be obvious. This is a site about meeting and attracting women and getting over breakups/divorces, so we have that bias.

That does NOT mean that game does not apply to married men; absolutely it does, just in a different context. MB seems to be in that grey area between red and blue pill.

DaBrite:

Glad to hear you got the ball rolling and are taking tangible steps to move on. And I'm super glad you recognize this is not salvageable and she is no longer a viable option for you.

That sucks about your church 'friends'. I'd be p!ssed too. I think it's a fine line though....people don't want to be responsible for tipping the boat, you know? Either way it sucks. They suspected foul play and said nothing. I would tell my buddy if I knew something, absolutely.

Keep us posted.

 

[Epimanes]

Epi:

That does NOT mean that game does not apply to married men; absolutely it does, just in a different context. MB seems to be in that grey area between red and blue pill.

Oh I agree. I wouldn't be here if I didn't enjoy learning a bit of "game" to use on my wife. It is necessary. However not all of it applies to marriage and some take it too far. Both sites. (Here and MB)have good value. Just depends on what your looking for. Yeah the "lingo" and wording isn't as cool as it is here but MB is written from a logical standpoint on how to make your marriage long lasting. I'm gunna try to reword my "advice" here to fit SS "lingo" a bit more as I did with my "all women are psychos" thread.

Epi:

I agree with you that SS lacks any substantial "marriage building" advice, so I think you are contributing something valuable, even if most guys here dont agree. To be honest, marital advice is really outside of the scope of SS. Spinning plates, being aloof, insulting and obfuscating to various degrees is not healthy for a marriage and that should be obvious. This is a site about meeting and attracting women and getting over breakups/divorces, so we have that bias.

Thank you, I'm glad you see some of the value I bring. I'm ok with the haters and you will find I'm not much of a "trouble" poster also. Nor a troll. I just really want to help the married guys and show them there is hope and how to find it.

Epi

 

[LiveFreeX]

The next time you feel like getting married to a Christian, make sure shes from the Phillippines.

 

[DaBrite1]

Finally, can you move to a new town? A fresh start where you're unknown might be best.

Oh, and I know you said it's been going on three months, but get a paternity test.

I unfortunately can not move town at least not in the next few months it won't make financial sense for me now.

BUT I decided to take your second advice. I took my 3 year old for paternity test and should be getting the results this coming Friday. To be honest I really don't know what to expect or what I want from the results right now. Don't even know what I will do if the kid is not mine as I am so attached to him. The 8 year old looks exactly like me(birthmark on the left of my face and inside the eye, she is like a photocopy of me) so I am not too worried about her.

 

[Ruthless]

Do you know why divorces are so expensive?


Because they're worth it!

Within 6months of my divorce being final (13years married, together for 16years), I was happier than I can recall in my adult life. Hang in there, life gets a lot better.

 

[Albatross953]

Epimanes, I spent two years on marriagebuilders and tried plan A to save my marriage. Your wife had an emotional affair, which sucks but I simply don't feel its the same thing.
My handle at MB is Reynolds531. I wanted to keep the two apart, but I think its important to come out and say any program is 50/50 at best to save a marriage after a PA. I doubt MB does any better than that.
Respect your opinion though, and that you're willing to preach MB here. I would just point out though, MB is a business, and they charge $200 an hour for counselling, more for courses.

OP, its been three years and I'm just getting back to myself.
Concentrate on being a good dad.
Concentrate on keeping your job...no joke.
Read the married man sex primer.
Read the DJ bible.
Drop the rope, no help, no comfort from you for her.
As others have said, get fit and protect your $$.

Above all, talk to people just chat. And give it time.

 

[Epimanes]

Epimanes, I spent two years on marriagebuilders and tried plan A to save my marriage. Your wife had an emotional affair, which sucks but I simply don't feel its the same thing.
My handle at MB is Reynolds531. I wanted to keep the two apart, but I think its important to come out and say any program is 50/50 at best to save a marriage after a PA. I doubt MB does any better than that.
Respect your opinion though, and that you're willing to preach MB here. I would just point out though, MB is a business, and they charge $200 an hour for counselling, more for courses.

OP, its been three years and I'm just getting back to myself.
Concentrate on being a good dad.
Concentrate on keeping your job...no joke.
Read the married man sex primer.
Read the DJ bible.
Drop the rope, no help, no comfort from you for her.
As others have said, get fit and protect your $$.

Above all, talk to people just chat. And give it time.

Oh I know MB is a business. But most of the important info is available for free and the forum community can help guide the betrayed spouse. But Yeah, I agree an EA is def much different than PA. However, some might argue. I share MB here because someone might need it and if it helps even just one person it was worth sharing. Its not the end all, cure all though.. Def not. Otherwise I would not be here. MB has its place and so does SS. Its not all cookie cutter that's for sure.

 

[Dirtythirty]

The next time you feel like getting married to a Christian, make sure shes from the Phillippines.

no no no no no no no no
Seriously no, I speak from experience, Thai (not bargirl) isn't nearly as bad but they are mostly Buddhist, Japs are awesome, the ones that like Americans love sex and usually have a working understanding of English not to mention higher chance of big tits

Keep up the gym work, what can help is if you get into a sport like martial arts or rugby, no joking getting lumps can be great for self image plus your junk will grow 2 inches the first time you flatten your nose, its physics

Relearn how to talk to women, and have some fun, these forums can really help.

When ready(don't let it just happen before you are ready or you'll be right back here) to get into something serious here's what to look for http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=207428

Remember having a wife/serious girlfriend is like training a dog, the training never stops, if you decide to get her something amazing for your first valentines day every other holiday after will be in competition with that one. Do not play into that, stand your ground and be the alpha

**** I am ranting

My personal opinion don't ever marry again, you can be with one person faithfully and not be married I do know several people. The thing is if the new one wants marriage tell her why wreck a good thing, if it works don't fix it, or if you wanted to be verbally abused and sexually neglected you would play the world of warcraft.

 

[fmnoos]

In terms of housing....and there is some kind of shared custody.....It is NOT necessary to get a home super close to your ex.....

 

[Spaz]

In terms of housing....and there is some kind of shared custody.....It is NOT necessary to get a home super close to your ex.....

You going through a divorce but don't want to open a thread because u r shy ?

If so, don't be, no one actually knows who you are.