Why having an approach plan ruins the approach

[AlphaNate]

I'm not talking about preparation. Please shower, dress nicely (wear a blazer, you dolt), and stay relaxed. Be in shape to make it easier on yourself.

But here's what happens when you plan an approach in your head. You have what you want to say and how you want to say it. You bring that with you. Surprise! Something doesn't go exactly the way it happened in your head. You're thrown off, fall back into recovery mode, and the approach is ruined. Can you recover? Maybe, but why did you put these expectations on the situation, which only made it more difficult?

Solution? No plan. That's right, none. Approach, and let the situation play itself out. Don't try to manipulate it. Don't have banter planned in your head. It will never play out exactly the way you wanted it to anyway. Be cool, keep your shoulders back, maintain eye contact, speak clearly, keep body language strong and playful.

Confused? I have an example! Check out Chuckie's approach in "Good Will Hunting" (Ben Affleck's character). His outfit sucks, but let's not focus on that (he's doesn't). Again, no plan:

Thoughts?

 

[AlphaNate]

One bump, because I'm curious about others' opinions on the no-plan approach, and if others use it.

If the post dies again, it'll stay buried.

 

[fastlife]

Mostly agree. Generally the fewer things going through your head the better. BUT it's also good to have something to fall back on if you blank.

For me it's something like, "Why are you over here judging everybody?" Kinda shoves her back in her head, gets her qualifying, while I let my brain catch up. I have a couple 'lines' I know get good reactions of things falter or she starts losing interest. But those are pretty much reflexive at this point. Ideally I'm just saying the first thing on my mind.

 

[ChristopherColumbus]

The secret to successful approaching is NOT to have a plan at all. Not only do you not have a routine to follow, you are also not even PLANNING to approach. You just happen to find yourself approaching. When you are at home, you may be in your head. So too when at work. When you are in down time, or downtown, you should always be out of your head. That is the natural state.

 

[Urbanyst]

The only thing that ruins an approach is not making it.

I've never regretted an approach. Even when they don't go well, I'm always happy I did it. Its like a grow a little bit with every one I do.

You learn a lot about yourself when you cold approach.

 

[AlphaNate]

As for having "no plan", It's not the way I do things.

If you have a destination in mind when speaking to someone, you have somewhat of a plan. That is just being goal-oriented.

I understand what you're saying, and I think we're kind of on the same page. I'm more comfortable if I only (like you said) make the approach, but if I start thinking about what to say, I know I'll ruin it. You've made me remember, however, that what works for me doesn't necessarily mean that's how everyone should do it.

Mostly agree. Generally the fewer things going through your head the better. BUT it's also good to have something to fall back on if you blank.

For me it's something like, "Why are you over here judging everybody?" Kinda shoves her back in her head, gets her qualifying, while I let my brain catch up. I have a couple 'lines' I know get good reactions of things falter or she starts losing interest. But those are pretty much reflexive at this point. Ideally I'm just saying the first thing on my mind.

I do like the idea of a quick qualifying line to fall back on.

The secret to successful approaching is NOT to have a plan at all. Not only do you not have a routine to follow, you are also not even PLANNING to approach. You just happen to find yourself approaching. When you are at home, you may be in your head. So too when at work. When you are in down time, or downtown, you should always be out of your head. That is the natural state.

Boom.

The only thing that ruins an approach is not making it.

True. I should note that this is assuming you want to number-close, at least

It naturally raises testosterone. Men were meant to hunt out women.

I love these types of primal comparisons. In today's tumblr twinkle fairy society, it's easy to forget that we are men, meant to act like men.

 

[AlphaNate]

Someone else posted this, but here's a field example of the no-plan approach:

 

[devilkingx2]

when I don't plan out my approaches i run out of things to say after like 3 sentences

generally though, I know how to plan flexibly, like I know to prepare for all possible answers to a question I plan to ask, so if she says no when I think she'll say yes i've still got something to say

you are right though that you shouldn't stick too rigidly to the plan, use your plan as a guideline, branch off wherever and whenever you can, only stick to the plan if no other opportunity to say anything else presents itself

 

[Trump]

But here's what happens when you plan an approach in your head. You have what you want to say and how you want to say it. You bring that with you. Surprise! Something doesn't go exactly the way it happened in your head. You're thrown off, fall back into recovery mode, and the approach is ruined. Can you recover?

Bro if you get that rattled when a 27 year old girl throws you a curveball in a conversation, she will not only be laughing at you, real life will chew you up and spit you out.

Solution? No plan. That's right, none. Approach, and let the situation play itself out. Don't try to manipulate it. Don't have banter planned in your head. It will never play out exactly the way you wanted it to anyway. Be cool, keep your shoulders back, maintain eye contact, speak clearly, keep body language strong and playful.

I don't know bro, I think you have to have a plan. You want to take her home? Stick with it. You want to ask for coffee? Stick with it. You want her phone number? Stick with it.

If you don't have plan, the conversation will turn from your terms to her terms. You'll go in wanting a date with her, and end up working for her sisters husband.

Brutal.

 

[AlphaNate]

Bro if you get that rattled when a 27 year old girl throws you a curveball in a conversation, she will not only be laughing at you, real life will chew you up and spit you out.

I don't understand why you mention her age. How is that relevant?

I don't know bro, I think you have to have a plan. You want to take her home? Stick with it. You want to ask for coffee? Stick with it. You want her phone number? Stick with it.

If you don't have plan, the conversation will turn from your terms to her terms. You'll go in wanting a date with her, and end up working for her sisters husband.

You quoted everything except my preface about being prepared, then reacted to everything I wrote like I was talking about being unprepared. Be prepared.

Guys will trip themselves up by having a plan in their heads about how they want things to go in the conversation. Hell, people **** up relationships for the same reason. What I'm suggesting is to drop what's in your head and just let the conversation flow naturally.

I know this trips some guys up, because it's something I used to have a problem with. When I stopped thinking about what to say, I started having more success. To this day, I have to catch myself when I start planning what to say during an approach, because it's an old habit that I know can (and probably will) cause me problems.

And why am I suddenly "working for her sister's husband"? Does this happen to you?

That post was flashy nonsense.

 

[Trump]

I don't understand why you mention her age. How is that relevant?

Because the approach/game changes depending her age. If we are talking about a 45 year old woman, all you should do is look at her for 8 seconds and she better sleep with you.

Not to mention I like that age.

You quoted everything except my preface about being prepared, then reacted to everything I wrote like I was talking about being unprepared. Be prepared.

Bro your "be prepared" is hair slicked back, white teeth, blazer jacket. That's fine. But then you say approach with NO PLAN. In my opinion, if you don't have a plan on how you want to work her, she will make a fool out of you.

Guys will trip themselves up by having a plan in their heads about how they want things to go in the conversation. Hell, people **** up relationships for the same reason. What I'm suggesting is to drop what's in your head and just let the conversation flow naturally.

Yes but it has to lead to somewhere. Date/number/sex/ Another issue with letting the conversation flow "naturally" is you are switching the conversation to HER terms instead of yours. Suppose you want to pick up good looking bank teller and you have 3 minutes. Are you going to let the conversation "naturally"? Or are you going to go in with a plan, know what you want to say, get want you want from her and get out?

I know this trips some guys up, because it's something I used to have a problem with. When I stopped thinking about what to say, I started having more success. To this day, I have to catch myself when I start planning what to say during an approach, because it's an old habit that I know can (and probably will) cause me problems.

I don't know bro, if Im approaching a good looking girl at the airport or restaurant or coffee shop, I definitely know what I'm going to say and what my plan is. If I go in there willy nilly and not think about what I am saying, she will be on the ground laughing and will make my head spin. She is not going to positively respond to me because I am me.

Am I missing something here?

 

[ubercat]

Being in your head on approach is a stage in the learning curve. My g/f and I r on a trip this weekend. She s seen me chat to the checkout chick about coping with a big influx of tourists, the bar chick about fun thngs to do and shared interests, the waitress about cool cafe trends in the big smoke. The g/f is well aware I have the skills and consequently treats me as a king. I don't have to think about things to say ANYMORE. But yes I went thru the training wheels stage to become a solid rider.

 

[AlphaNate]

This reply was more civilized, thank you.

Bro your "be prepared" is hair slicked back, white teeth, blazer jacket. That's fine. But then you say approach with NO PLAN. In my opinion, if you don't have a plan on how you want to work her, she will make a fool out of you.

Bro if you get that rattled when a 27 year old girl throws you a curveball in a conversation, she will not only be laughing at you, real life will chew you up and spit you out.

Yes but it has to lead to somewhere. Date/number/sex/ Another issue with letting the conversation flow "naturally" is you are switching the conversation to HER terms instead of yours. Suppose you want to pick up good looking bank teller and you have 3 minutes. Are you going to let the conversation "naturally"? Or are you going to go in with a plan, know what you want to say, get want you want from her and get out?

Okay, this makes more sense, and I can see where you're coming from. I still think you need to "shoot from the hip," but yes, you need to have the destination in mind and know how much time you have.

She is not going to positively respond to me because I am me.

A little concerned about this sentence. Are you having self-esteem issues?

 

[devilkingx2]

Bro if you get that rattled when a 27 year old girl throws you a curveball in a conversation

isn't that what makes it a curveball? the fact that you're not prepared for it? isn't that the point of throwing curveballs? was it really a curveball if you could just throw out a good answer in an instant? lol

Okay, this makes more sense, and I can see where you're coming from. I still think you need to "shoot from the hip," but yes, you need to have the destination in mind and know how much time you have.

I think we're all in agreement that rigidly planning a routine you can't deviate from is a bad idea, but going up to some hot girl with nothing to talk about except tacos (because you're hungry and thinking of lunch) probably isn't the best of ideas either.

A little concerned about this sentence. Are you having self-esteem issues?

I think he means "I'm not a rockstar, I can't just introduce myself and have the girls immediately swoon"

 

[samspade]

Approaches are a combination of preparation and spontaneity. The preparation comes from your appearance, as mentioned by the OP, your frame of mind, and knowing how to respond to certain parries on her part.

Canned lines and inflexible conversation will be sniffed out. One secret about game is that it's not unlike a lot of regular conversation - that is, it's situational. It's different based on how you flirt and how you sprinkle in information to hook the fish.

And the old rule still applies - better to say something than nothing, and sooner than later.