My "moment-of-truth" was finally acknowledged, when I was in alcohol/drug rehab, last year. I reflected on my past relationships, and why they all failed. Then I looked further....even before I began abusing substances, and realized I had MAJOR ISSUES with reality, and of myself. My warped and immature mind perceived women as nosy, nagging, jealous and imposing creatures, who didn't deserve to know the truth about anybody....especially me. When in my twenties- I never had a problem attracting extremely gorgeous women. My problem was always keeping them. I was either too nice, a pushover wimp, or secretly resentful towards them for the slightest inconvenience, by them. This was when I learned I had a "Passive-Aggressive Personality". I always hated that term, and simply denied I had that disorder, for many, many years. This was also when I began drinking heavily. I had this shallow and fatally-flawed perception that drugs and booze would somehow compensate for my insecurities, and make me a "player" once again. I was dead wrong. During my addiction- I became more reclusive than ever, despite having some key material possessions. Realizing the drug culture was a weak way to get me to be with loose women- I had already lowered my typically high standards to an all-time, unprecedented low.......methamphetamine bag hoes.
My handling of these so-called, "tweakers" was physically abusive, and self-destructive, from a legal standpoint. It wasn't until I became involved with drugs, that I began to put my hands on women......in the most disgraceful ways. Deep down inside, I felt I was slowly dying a painful death. I knew I was soon going to die a loner, floating in some canal somewhere. My mother have not heard from me, for six months- since losing my house, totalling my Porsche, and losing my $95k/yr job at Microsoft. She hired a Private Investigator, to locate me in the streets of Silicon Valley. When he caught up with me, they did an intervention on me....and shipped me straight to rehab. I thank my mom, for saving my life. Now, the rest of it is entirely up to me.
In the course of one year being clean- I learned I simply cannot change only a few things about myself.....I must change everything. Otherwise, I will certainly relapse again. To me now- relapse equals certain death. I never did things in a half-ass way. I always go all-out. However, I can now apply this trait in a productive, positive way now.....my ongoing recovery. I'm not gonna lie to you guys here......I WAS a freakin' dope fiend alcoholic! When I entered rehab- I weighed 130lbs. I gained almost 90lbs in rehab. One day I took a good look at my ravaged, 43-year-old body and said to myself, "you fat, ugly pig......you are still gonna die a loner!!!!" Since this August I have shed over 30lbs of gut-busting fat, through proper diet, exercise, and motivation, from fellow DJs such as yourselves. My waist went from 37 to 33. Looking at old pix, when I was 21-22.....my waist was an awesome 28-29 inches! I know I can regain those "glory years" again.
Thanks for reading my story.....
