The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[yonggg]

back again to this forum after few years. succesfully used no contact twice few years back in 2 previous relationship

now just got dumped by my gf of 9months

it started good and went to sh*tty relationship after the 5 months together.
she always insecure, jealous,and negatively thinking about me like saying that i might not love her, that i might leave her,
this happened almost everyday. crazy, right?
but i know that shhe really into me.
but when we had fights, very often she was uncontrollable, she just wont stop angry, wtf.

i was frequently thinking about dumping her, but i didnt since i love her, even though i cant bear to think how frustrating i will be if i go into marriage with her. and also i kinda feel bad since im the one that deflowered her.

but here im the one getting dumped, cause at the last fight, after lots of intense debate i got tired, so i dont want to talk on our way back home, i just drove her home not talking to her. i just said im tired and dont want to debate. i also didnt offer to eat together first even though we hadnt eat that time.
so she was mad at me, slam the car door and then after few minutes texted me we breakup. i replied " well then"

now starting NC day 1.
im wondering whether i should do this or not. its like i really dont know wtf just happened, i love her, i know she love me (or not), but we fights frequently, its very weird relationship for me.

 

[GerryCreanio]

First, I'll say - don't be so hard on yourself. You did the right thing, even if it took a bit later than it could have been. As odd as it may sound - it's good in a sense that you're feeling guilt over this, as this shows you have some sense of empathy towards your wife and the situation. Some men and women have no such culpability in them - and so they create much harder lives for everyone around them because of this. So don't feel entirely bad.

Not knowing is going to be very tough - but I would try to limit the speculation. It's your heart trying to look for ways back in and connect with her, and drive it back to full engagement. Hoping and wanting that 'dream' of reconnecting and confessing love and all that. But this is all just hopeful fantasies, to please the mind. And ultimately absorb you more.

Look at it this way. She has a method to communicate with you. You clearly gave her an 'in' to contact you if she truly wanted to. If she was crying over you, and couldn't bear to be without you - she would circumvent that theoretical 'no contact' by the company, and write you. Especially because you specifically gave her your email. Rules wouldn't stop **** - she could create another email and contact you under an alias and such. Regardless - she would path a way to contact you. But she hasn't.

You didn't close the door completely on her in any case - but I think you and her are both mature enough to know the reality of the situation here. And you know what you want as well, since you've already made a big step towards it - the survival, and hopefully revival of your marriage. Think of trying to respark that love with your wife as a goal.

Remember that the things we cannot have - always seem to be of even higher value. You'll have to overcome this. And time will help. The trick is not to feed the negative emotions and feedback you're giving yourself. "I messed up. I ****ed up. I threw what we had away. It's all my fault." as an example. Try to stop yourself as soon as you start getting into it. Think of your wife or other things. I think we tend to 'love' the things we think of most, as some kind of feedback reinforcement.

Anyway. You're doing the right thing. Keep pushing through. That goes for everyone else as well.

Dude - thanks so much for taking the time to respond to me with this great advice.

An update, it’s now around 35 days NC and I’m going from day to day from unbearable sadness to feeling ‘meh’, to feeling angry at her, to wanting to break NC.

I don’t know what to do. And this means I will probably continue to ignore.

Problem is, this is so different to your usual breakup/NC situation. There are many more factors at play. Eg if she was single she would be much more likely to contact me, but she’s not and I know that she is BADLY affected by guilt of the emotional affair we had.

She also knows I’m married and does not want to appear a ‘homewrecker’ - she has said this herself - it’s another reason she may not be contacting me.

DO NOT BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX...is advice I read all the time. But does this apply in my situation??? As at the moment we can’t be anything BUT friends (both in committed relationships).

Maybe I should stay low contact friends with her so as not to burn bridges, and then in the future if we’re both single we may end up together?

I’ve just about realised in these 35 days that if she turned up on my doorstep and said “come with me now, leave your wife” - I would probably say no. But that does not mean I don’t want to be friends with the girl and would want something to happen if circumstances changed in the future.

 

[Murk]

I forget which day, prob 8?

I don't give a fvck about her, ok I do, but I have too many girls on the go (thank God for all the banked Tinder/Bumble matches and old flames I can rekindle at the drop of a hat).

She needs to find someone who loves her and will treat her right, just like she said. My behaviour was selfish and she would have a breakdown if she knew only a fraction of it.

 

[European-DJ]

Day 10:
Man do things get easier after the first week. I’ve barely thought about her the last few days.

I doubted whether it would be an easy fix to get over her, as fvcking two new girls had no dampening effect on my “sadness”. However, this Friday I laid a girl whom I had been trying to lay in my late teens. Way over the usual girls I land, a real HB9, and it gave me a huge confidence boost.

I’ve been playing it cool with the HB9, while arranging some casual dates with my two old FB’s. This should keep my insecurities at bay. I’ve come to realize that my insecurities are the prime driver for initially wanting to get back together with the girl, however, with the knowledge that I can still pull, she’s become much less of a problem for me.

Day 14 (2 weeks ago):

I almost broke NC the other day. For the first time in the last 14 days, I started writing a message to her and when I was half way through writing it, I realized it was a mistake.

If she wanted anything to do with me, she would have reached out, but she hasn’t. She’s probably moved on and with someone else. Even though this is agonizing, it might be for the better.

Hit it up with the HB9 again last night. She’s super cute and interesting, leaving for the country for 6 months the day after tomorrow though. Will have to find another girl to keep myself distracted.

 

[Murk]

Find many girls not just one. If you can pull a hb9 then you will have no worries, it’s just an adjustment phase we all have to get used to.

 

[European-DJ]

Find many girls not just one. If you can pull a hb9 then you will have no worries, it’s just an adjustment phase we all have to get used to.

This girl is definitely not my average pull; how I manage to get a 9 in my current state of mind (self conscious and doubting my own abilities) is a mystery. However, I appreciate the advice. I just decided to take another girl up on an offer. A solid 7.5-8.

However, she rejected my movie invite at my place, but accepted the offer to go out for drinks. I’m not sure how to interpret it, but I’ll try to make a move and see how she reacts to it! I’ll take her to the same place as I did the 9 and see if I’ll manage to pull again.

 

[Murk]

Day 11,

Been on dates, met a good 4-5 women, today I am just happy for the split. All I can recommend is meeting other women, your ex doesn't feel so special then and you can really focus on the bad points of the relationship when you have abundance. It's easy to type and read words, but when you actually live it, it all makes sense.

 

[TBG]

Starting my first full week of NC.

Had been seeing this girl, but got hit with the LJBF because there was another guy in the picture that she was more interested in but due to him being away traveling she couldn't act on it.

Basically they went on a couple of dates/****ed when he was in our city before leaving the country for three months. Normally he lives three hours away but he does live in a camper van because he's a traveling type so I suppose he could relocate. Either way they've obviously kept in contact and she's built this relationship up in her head based off two dates.

She tells me on Friday he's back soon so she doesn't know how us seeing each other will work but it would be cool if we still could. I basically took that as ''Hey I don't need my place holder boyfriend anymore". Told her I wasn't going to settle for friends and to hit me up if anything changes. She apologized for how things ended up and she'd miss me blah blah. I ignored it and deleted her number.

Still had her on Instagram and yesterday she posted a photo with her cat captioned "**** being strong independent women. We've decided we like being looked after." with that guy tagged in the photo. Really came as a gut punch considering I've been there for her the past few months. It's my fault for being her emotional tampon but I bet she wasn't going to that other guy when she was having suicidal thoughts. Anyways unfollowing her on there was my last connection to her. Time to concentrate on me

On the plus side I girl I was supposed to go on a date with a couple years back recently reached out so she's helping fill the void

 

[European-DJ]

Starting my first full week of NC.

Had been seeing this girl, but got hit with the LJBF because there was another guy in the picture that she was more interested in but due to him being away traveling she couldn't act on it.

Basically they went on a couple of dates/****ed when he was in our city before leaving the country for three months. Normally he lives three hours away but he does live in a camper van because he's a traveling type so I suppose he could relocate. Either way they've obviously kept in contact and she's built this relationship up in her head based off two dates.

She tells me on Friday he's back soon so she doesn't know how us seeing each other will work but it would be cool if we still could. I basically took that as ''Hey I don't need my place holder boyfriend anymore". Told her I wasn't going to settle for friends and to hit me up if anything changes. She apologized for how things ended up and she'd miss me blah blah. I ignored it and deleted her number.

Still had her on Instagram and yesterday she posted a photo with her cat captioned "**** being strong independent women. We've decided we like being looked after." with that guy tagged in the photo. Really came as a gut punch considering I've been there for her the past few months. It's my fault for being her emotional tampon but I bet she wasn't going to that other guy when she was having suicidal thoughts. Anyways unfollowing her on there was my last connection to her. Time to concentrate on me

On the plus side I girl I was supposed to go on a date with a couple years back recently reached out so she's helping fill the void

Sorry to hear about your experience. Even though this might not be what you want to hear, you’re definitely better of forgetting about this girl. She clearly values you less than the other guy and being someone’s second priority is NEVER a good feeling. Remwber: whoever cares the least, wins.

As for your next date: do it, enjoy it and try not to be overly self-conscious around her. After “being hurt” we tend to seek validation from others in a way that might reek of desperation, so try to keep this in mind while dating, so you don’t blow it.

Anyway, welcome to the NC-C, I hope you do well!

 

[TBG]

Sorry to hear about your experience. Even though this might not be what you want to hear, you’re definitely better of forgetting about this girl. She clearly values you less than the other guy and being someone’s second priority is NEVER a good feeling. Remwber: whoever cares the least, wins.

As for your next date: do it, enjoy it and try not to be overly self-conscious around her. After “being hurt” we tend to seek validation from others in a way that might reek of desperation, so try to keep this in mind while dating, so you don’t blow it.

Anyway, welcome to the NC-C, I hope you do well!

Thanks man.

Yeah I've not burned any bridges or anything but I've got no intention of sticking around in any capacity. Like you say I don't want to be any ones back up option. That other guy can now deal with her depression and suicidal thoughts. At the end of the day on some level she chose him as being the best guy for her needs. Just cause he's out of the country doesn't excuse him from being that emotional support. Or maybe she just doesn't want him knowing what goes on in her head.....

I'm in no rush to get back out there, and I'm not moping around either. Hit the gym over the weekend and viewed some properties. My goal for the foreseeable future is to buy my own place. If someone comes along great. If not no worries.

 

[Murk]

How long were you with her for?

 

[TBG]

How long were you with her for?

Not long, like three months.

Basically we went out, the following week she went out with him, a few days later he left the country. We continued dating weekly.

He was always in the background and that was her reason for not wanting to get serious with me. Really I should've walked away the minute I found out about the other guy.

Like I said she seems to have built this relationship up in her head on the basis of two dates and stuff he's said. It wouldn't surprise me if he just seen it as sex last time and easy sex when he's back before he's on his travels again

 

[QuadDeuces]

My long distance girlfriend of 5 months dumped me the day before yesterday through text.
She "loves me, but thinks I will be happier without her, and she wishes me the best of luck in my life".
I didn't reply, then went to a FWB, we had a great date smoked a ton of weed together and I blew 5 loads in 16 hours.

 

[Murk]

Day 13

Checked her instagram (don't judge me), she's gone to see Phantom of the Opera this evening. Before we broke up she had posted nothing since November when we had a mini break, and before that nothing since April 2017 - now she has posted 5 pics in 2 weeks which is 30% of her total instagram. Tempted to block her from it for my own sake. I'm putting way too much thought into this. Still miss her.

 

[European-DJ]

Day 13

Checked her instagram (don't judge me), she's gone to see Phantom of the Opera this evening. Before we broke up she had posted nothing since November when we had a mini break, and before that nothing since April 2017 - now she has posted 5 pics in 2 weeks which is 30% of her total instagram. Tempted to block her from it for my own sake. I'm putting way too much thought into this. Still miss her.

Nobody is going to judge you, because we have all been in the same situation where the urge builds up inside us and we need to act on the impulse.

Personally, I would block her social media profiles; why? Because even though you want her back badly (we all do, regardless of what we do and say), that is not the purpose of NC. The purpose is to gain some distance, get over the person and THEN reflect on whether we want the relationship back or not.

I am probably among the guys with the largest heart-ace after break-ups. I really get attached to people who are in my life for >1 year. Nevertheless, I stay strong knowing that I ALWAYS think back at my relationships acknowledging that towards the end the bad overruled the good.

We all had good times with our Exes; That's what brought us to the NC, because we still have profound feelings towards them. However, whatever caused the break-up and whoever initiate did so because they were not satisfied with the situation. When your heart and brain truly understands this and realizes that the break-up was for the best, then youl'll go days without thinking about her.

 

[Murk]

Wise words

 

[QuadDeuces]

Got dumped Sunday and today I got a friend request on Facebook from a fake dummy profile.

Who could that be?

 

[Gan]

Day 61
Forgot to post yesterday. During the early days of NC I felt like complete sh*t. I felt unmotivated and could not focus on anything I tried putting my mind into. I thought about her so much that I could not focus on my priorities (school, work, etc.) or hobbies. I've been doing pretty good compared to day 1. I've been going to the gym much more often now so my body fat has lowered and I've gotten most if not all of my strength back. I'm also taking up MMA in a few weeks and I'm really looking forward to it. School started about 3 weeks ago so that's another thing to keep me busy. I'm also learning about the stock market and have started investing what I had available, and I am pretty excited to save up more money to add more funds.
Since I got school and the stock market to worry about now, I hardly have time to think about her anymore. She does not come to mind that often, and I feel relieved to be out of that stressful fling. I have absolutely no desire to contact her, and if I don't hear from her either then no biggie.

 

[Murk]

Day 15 - happy birthday to me.

I’m on the train to work from a girls house this morning. Much better than the hb5 I banged last Sunday.

The sex was really good for the first time, she’s really tactile too so I felt the closeness I had been missing since my ex.

I’m in a good place again, I won’t think about her today or care when she inevitably doesn’t wish me a HBD.

 

[TBG]

7 days since I last spoke to her.

I'm not doing too bad. In the grand scheme of things it was a nothing relationship and didn't get far along enough for me to catch too many feels.

Still sucks not being able to speak to that person. It didn't end on bad terms and the offer of 'friends' was there but I refuse to be drawn back in and used as a placeholder and emotional support for some other guys gain.

It still pisses me off thinking back to the times she told me she wanted to die and I'd genuinely concerned because she's attempted suicide twice in the past. I'd be there for her, I'd pick her up and all the while she was planning a future with another guy. A guy that probably has no idea what's been going on in her head recently, oh well that's his responsibility now.