Hi everyone, first post and I don’t know where else to put this but I need to vent somewhere.
Let me start by saying I’m a scumbag. I’m married and I stupidly fell in love with a coworker. Who was in a long term relationship herself. I know. Apart from a sexually charged drunken kiss and a vast number of lunch/coffee dates it’s gone no further - a combination of both our guilt & me being a beta ****.
In order to try and save my marriage I quit my job before Christmas. We were both upset by this, clearly. At the Christmas party she barely spoke to me.
I’ve gone ‘No contact’ for 30 days now. I’m a grown man and I’ve cried over this - I never cry. It’s been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and although I have better days they are mainly bad ones. I dream about her, I think about her first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Distractions are temporary help, I’m lifting and doing new hobbies.
Here’s what I need advice with please:
Last time I saw her I told her I wasn’t going to contact her in case it caused problems with her boyfriend who phuvking hates me for obvious reasons. I gave her my email address.
She hasn’t reached out at all.
Here’s the complication. My company has threatened legal action for taking their clients. They won’t win, but it’s entirely possible that everyone in the company has been told not to contact me for this reason.
It’s the not knowing that’s the hardest thing. If I knew she was ignoring me because she didn’t care then I’d be ok with that and move on. But what if she’s crying herself to sleep every night over me, has decided to leave her boyfriend for me but can’t tell me?
It’s unlikely that we’ll bump into each other ever again although I could engineer it given some persistence and luck.
What do I do from here? Keep up the NC, or try to get in touch with her somehow?
First, I'll say - don't be so hard on yourself. You did the right thing, even if it took a bit later than it could have been. As odd as it may sound - it's good in a sense that you're feeling guilt over this, as this shows you have some sense of empathy towards your wife and the situation. Some men and women have no such culpability in them - and so they create much harder lives for everyone around them because of this. So don't feel entirely bad.
Not knowing is going to be very tough - but I would try to limit the speculation. It's your heart trying to look for ways back in and connect with her, and drive it back to full engagement. Hoping and wanting that 'dream' of reconnecting and confessing love and all that. But this is all just hopeful fantasies, to please the mind. And ultimately absorb you more.
Look at it this way. She has a method to communicate with you. You clearly gave her an 'in' to contact you if she truly wanted to. If she was crying over you, and couldn't bear to be without you - she would circumvent that theoretical 'no contact' by the company, and write you. Especially because you specifically gave her your email. Rules wouldn't stop **** - she could create another email and contact you under an alias and such. Regardless - she would path a way to contact you. But she hasn't.
You didn't close the door completely on her in any case - but I think you and her are both mature enough to know the reality of the situation here. And you know what you want as well, since you've already made a big step towards it - the survival, and hopefully revival of your marriage. Think of trying to respark that love with your wife as a goal.
Remember that the things we cannot have - always seem to be of even higher value. You'll have to overcome this. And time will help. The trick is not to feed the negative emotions and feedback you're giving yourself. "I messed up. I ****ed up. I threw what we had away. It's all my fault." as an example. Try to stop yourself as soon as you start getting into it. Think of your wife or other things. I think we tend to 'love' the things we think of most, as some kind of feedback reinforcement.
Anyway. You're doing the right thing. Keep pushing through. That goes for everyone else as well.
