Struggling with no contact

[soulforge]

Not even status.

About being an entitled brat getting what she wants and didn't from me.

Wanted me to downgrade from the home i have for one closer to her parents in a diff city. Ugh no thanks as she wasn't even my wife. What a dummy. Spoiled cvnt.

All about control is all.

My value is higher than hers by levels.

I Make much more money.
Have a very respectful job.
Am well renouned in the community.
Have a good savings, she literally has 100$ to her name and lives at her parents for free for 5 years now.
I'm responsible she barely is.
No arrogance but I'm at least 2 levels better looking than her.

She has a 6 year old who ive been around over 3 years who loved me and i was great. Im a much better parent than she is and tolerated her own kid better than she did as she has no patience. I'm great w kids always have been, just born like that. I always ran sports camps for kids even as a teenager as i was a premier baseball player.

I'm honestly levels above her.
But she's bipolar npd and a pain in the ass.

Hell thinking back a week before the last time we talked she sent me an email with a home for sale in my city which was 40grand cheaper than mine and 500sq feet smaller. Wtf? Why would we or i downgrade like that?

All because she had to control the home we lived in?


Makes no sense.

She made snarky comments about not wanted to live in my house because she didnt choose it. Haha.

seriously pal, you sound like you have your chit together.. Why waste what you have got to offer, for a woman who doesn't even appreciate your worth!

It's very rare for a woman to change.. I would put your time and efforts into someone more worthy!

 

[exhausted]

seriously pal, you sound like you have your chit together.. Why waste what you have got to offer, for a woman who doesn't even appreciate your worth!

It's very rare for a woman to change.. I would put your time and efforts into someone more worthy!

Agreed.

That's what I'm setting my mind to. Or trying.
For some dumb reason, weakness I suppose, I'm having trouble moving on.

 

[Meektrop]

Agreed.

That's what I'm setting my mind to. Or trying.
For some dumb reason, weakness I suppose, I'm having trouble moving on.

Moving on with no closure is hard, something I'm dealing with now. I didn't get a "its done". all I got was "I am not ready to talk to you now".

 

[exhausted]

Moving on with no closure is hard, something I'm dealing with now. I didn't get a "its done". all I got was "I am not ready to talk to you now".

She tried to hoover me back after her bs ignoring me for days and i said NO more fucccj off. Told her she purposely punishes me to suffer like a pos she can f off.

So she was mad at me haha.

Its still hard to let go of someone after 3 years.

Fucch these women. I'm tired of their worthless existence.

 

[Billtx49]

Fucch these women. I'm tired of their worthless existence.

You're getting to the right mindset now about disordered women.

 

[Meektrop]

She tried to hoover me back after her bs ignoring me for days and i said NO more fucccj off. Told her she purposely punishes ne to suffer like a pos ahe can f off.

So she was mad at me haha.

Its still hard to let go of someone after 3 years.

Fucch these women. I'm tired of their worthless existence.

3 years is a long time, but alreast you know that she was in the wrong, and you don't have any guilt because of your actions. That's some closure. I can't even be mad at this b1txh cuz I fvcked up.

 

[exhausted]

You're getting to the right mindset now about disordered women.

I'm in the anger stage honestly. I'm beside myself that she acted so ridiculous with no real remorse about it.

The fact this cvnt got " annoyed" punished me by ignoring me for days blocking me one of those , when i talked to her finally tell her hey im not chasing u , 3 years tog either get along and be tog or not and she said no more. i said ok good luck take care then ONE day later she Hoover's me for 3- 4 days in which i went fucjhin off for her BS punishing me to suffer. Said F you no thanks.
Then she was mad at me. Haha.

Something odd happened i asked her a question she got mad that i annoyed her or accused her and punished me all week for it.

I told her as if she or her kid arent annoying ever but i dont punish them, she accuses me all the time, is the most jealous person ever yet when i ask a question she rages and is an *******. That's unfair treatment. How do u purposely punish someone u love to suffer ?
What is wrong woth women?
What a horrible MEAN cruel cvnt.

Fuch these **** women. They are schit

 

[Billtx49]

I'm in the anger stage honestly.

And venting, but that's good. The sooner you get her out of your system better women will await you.

 

[exhausted]

And venting, but that's good. The sooner you get her out of your system better women will await you.

I'm in fight mode to be honest.
Not raging or flipping out mind u, but matter of fact , my mind is ready to go as is my spirit.

I'm disgusted by how terrible people can be.

I treated her wonderfuly, and her kid as if my own. Even when her kid was horrible or annoying like kids do, I was good to her. And that kid was terrible for a year and i mean terrible, not to me but her mom and gma, but i stuck it out being understanding of how kids can suffer too.
That alone should kept her from being cruel to me. Fuch her

Furiously disgusted.

 

[StonesDK]

I'm in fight mode to be honest.
Not raging or flipping out mind u, but matter of fact , my mind is ready to go as is my spirit.

I'm disgusted by how terrible people can be.

I treated her wonderfuly, and her kid as if my own. Even when her kid was horrible or annoying like kids do, I was good to her. And that kid was terrible for a year and i mean terrible, not to me but her mom and gma, but i stuck it out being understanding of how kids can suffer too.
That alone should kept her from being cruel to me. Fuch her

Furiously disgusted.

I've been in your shoes believe me. I was integrated into the 'family' as well with her 3 kids. Took them in as my own too. I was there for them because their father wasn't. I did everything for her which she was appreciative for the first 6 months. She left her husband for 18 years to be with me. A seriously dysfunctional one I might add, a low functioning NPD who controlled her,and was periodically physically abusive. I didn't feel bad for 'stealing her from him at all' I probably saved her.

The more the relationship went on, the more my responsibilities increased. I was picking up and dropping the kids off to school, chores, shopping, doing errands for her. My life became doing chores and give her attention. Anything I wanted to do for myself be it playing mobile games or watch TV shows was cause for shame/guilt. If i wanted to take a nap, that was cause for guilt/shame too. Because then she was left with taking care of her OWN kids alone.

At the end my identity and my happy goofy/jokingly mood was completely gone. I avoided my co-workers during breaks. I would just withdraw and look at my phone. I no longer participated in work conversations unless somebody would address me. When my friends would call I would not pick up. I had no mental energy. That's when my depression started.

My feelings for her disappeared too, I just went through the motions on auto pilot. Our last fight got so ugly from my pent up aggression of being in a one way street relationship and the lack of acknowledgement of my contribution to the family, I flat out told her I did not love her anymore and I was done. She begged, pleaded, fell on her knees crying, chased me to my car in panic. I stayed the night separately because she became very unstable. She had a lucid moment the day after, where she told me she suspected she was trying to sabotage us and she would never find somebody as good to the kids as I was, and we haven't tried everything to make it work.

I thanked her for her explanation but told her it was too late. I couldn't believe things had to go that far, for her to admit her part. Today she's glad we broke up now that she's with a replacement, because I argued too much and slept too much. What a wonderful way of rationalizing.. it boggles the mind. Had she not worn me down I might not need to take fcking naps.

I wish she had the volatile traits associated with the disorder, it would have been so much easier to leave and move on.

 

[exhausted]

I've been in your shoes believe me. I was integrated into the 'family' as well with her 3 kids. Took them in as my own too. I was there for them because their father wasn't. I did everything for her which she was appreciative for the first 6 months. She left her husband for 18 years to be with me. A seriously dysfunctional one I might add, a low functioning NPD who controlled her,and was periodically physically abusive. I didn't feel bad for 'stealing her from him at all' I probably saved her.

The more the relationship went on, the more my responsibilities increased. I was picking up and dropping the kids off to school, chores, shopping, doing errands for her. My life became doing chores and give her attention. Anything I wanted to do for myself be it playing mobile games or watch TV shows was cause for shame/guilt. If i wanted to take a nap, that was cause for guilt/shame too. Because then she was left with taking care of her OWN kids alone.

At the end my identity and my happy goofy/jokingly mood was completely gone. I avoided my co-workers during breaks. I would just withdraw and look at my phone. I no longer participated in work conversations unless somebody would address me. When my friends would call I would not pick up. I had no mental energy. That's when my depression started.

My feelings for her disappeared too, I just went through the motions on auto pilot. Our last fight got so ugly from my pent up aggression of being in a one way street relationship and the lack of acknowledgement of my contribution to the family, I flat out told her I did not love her anymore and I was done. She begged, pleaded, fell on her knees crying, chased me to my car in panic. I stayed the night separately because she became very unstable. She had a lucid moment the day after, where she told me she suspected she was trying to sabotage us and she would never find somebody as good to the kids as I was, and we haven't tried everything to make it work.

I thanked her for her explanation but told her it was too late. I couldn't believe things had to go that far, for her to admit her part. Today she's glad we broke up now that she's with a replacement, because I argued too much and slept too much. What a wonderful way of rationalizing.. it boggles the mind. Had she not worn me down I might not need to take fcking naps.

I wish she had the volatile traits associated with the disorder, it would have been so much easier to leave and move on.

Wow i can relate as they do less and less and expext u to do everything.
I raised my son by myself for 18 years now so I understand to appreciate having anybody help me in any way I figured she would feel the same way of being appreciative and feeling blessed to have somebody. One time we were at this National Park of waterfalls and playgrounds her kid played for 30 minutes as we sat when we were leaving she told her kid to come on her kid said no and immediately she looks at me and tells me to go get her -my response immediately was you go get her she's your kid I don't want to argue with her she's yours and if she doesn't come then I'll step in like a man does and tell her let's go. She was disgusted by me she said well if you're not going to help me then why do I even have you around? WoW. I said I'll repeat myself again she's your kid you go get her if she doesn't listen then I will step in as men or dads do. She wanted me to do everything without putting any effort into her own kid, i found that quite disgusting she has her kid half the time and expected me to do more parenting with the kid then she did. This became apparent over time as she didn't cook or do anything for her kid or me. She would get her kid half the week and would take her to fast food every single day I told her you need to cook for your kid she needs good nutrition I'm sure she doesn't get it at her dad's but she didn't she was a lazy cvnt. I did all this as a full time single parent and she couldn't do anything half the time for her kid.

You ended up walking because you got tired of doing everything with no return and I ended up walking because I refused to do everything and got mistreated and mistreated and abused verbally and emotionally for it. It's crazy how horrible these women can be and not even care as they have no self-respect or dignity. Mine has lived at her parents for the last 6 years her mom does everything this woman is now 30 and still doesn't cook and act like a woman but instead act like a little girl. She even told me she doesn't want her mom to know that she can cook well because then her mom would expect her to do those things . How lazy. I felt like if I married her or moved in with her i would have two more kids to take care of and she would not help me out at all because she isn't an adult she's a child. Be glad you are out you're treated like a slave not a man. I always told mine that we never got along because I act like a man and not a ****** who she can boss around and all that did was cause friction when she couldn't boss me around and control me with everything. And she always did beat up and Destroy what or who she cannot control. I tried to explain this to her with facts and evidence and boy would she not acknowledge anything. These girls are dysfunctionally abusive and cannot be in a partnership.

And shaming oh yes I would get shamed and accused if I went to the gym or my buddies or golf or anything for myself but fact is I always did do things for myself here and there and that's why there was always friction and problems.

We are both very fortunate to be out especially you taking care of 3 kids that weren't yours you deserve better

 

[StonesDK]

Yeah we both do. I'm glad you stuck to your guns. fvck her. I feel sorry for my replacement, he has no idea what's in store for him. At least she doesn't have to be jealous by the looks of him..she really downgraded on this one. He probably thinks he hit the jackpot

 

[exhausted]

Yeah we both do. I'm glad you stuck to your guns. fvck her. I feel sorry for my replacement, he has no idea what's in store for him. At least she doesn't have to be jealous by the looks of him..she really downgraded on this one. He probably thinks he hit the jackpot

That is truly saying something if you feel bad for the new guy. I am trying not to even think that I have been replaced but I'm sure something was going on behind the scenes that's how these horrible women work but it won't be long till whoever the new guys are Balie and they will bail out quickly then I'm sure one of us will be getting a call back

 

[exhausted]

I'm 15 days no contact today and it has been rough.
Part of me misses my best friend but the other part of me is receiving this peace and tranquility, something that has been absent on a consistent basis for a few years.

Some may think best friend? The npd is a mean ol cvnt. And yes she is. Half the time.
That was the problem. The other half she wasn't and was my companion, my best friend. 3.5 years is a loooooong time. Especially with someone who causes you so much pain at times.

It is inconceivable when i look back at what i endured at times and it is even MORE unreal this girl didn't aknowledge or recognize the problems she caused, her responsibility.

Many times early on she would flip out over something so snall , run out of my house as i sat here in disbelief and then she would call, appologized, admitted SOMETHING is off about her and that she has trouble with stress. She was genuine so i let her back, resumed things and continued.

I figured she was damaged as i had been in life and maybe with my patience and guidance i could help her grow and improve.

NOPE. she just got worse over time. True colors came out as her rages did.

Lots and lots of poor character traits but i loved her and thought time could heal her as well as grow her.

She just got worse.

I staggered and didnt ask her to marry me over the years.

She complained she wanted a future with me, kids, house, a life together tho she showed she was LAZY, financially irresponsible, had terrible patience and expected me to do about everthing.

I felt like she was a ****ing sinking ship.
If i offered her guidance or said she is wasting money she would shame and blame me instead of listen and learn. If something arose i didnt agree with instead of her having compassion or understanding about me having my own thoughts and feelings i got shamed and blamed for causing trouble then punished for it. It was a rough life.

I became scared to talk to her about anything without being mistreated or her flipping out. If she heard someone was getting married or pregnant she would flip , be MAD ALL DAY LONG and ****ty to me. I would be pumished for not giving her these things even tho it was because she was lacking. Nooe the npd is always the victim.

I was called controlling because i told her if we are married and she is buying toys at the damn gas station 3 times a week for 7$ each then i would not like that. Who would? . I am a man and worry about having a good savings for my family and ya it is a damn waste 21$ worth of toys in 3 days at the gas station for her kid. That's dumb. Buy one!!

Am i unreasonable?

Am i the crazy one?

Seriously.

I told her i felt like i had my bags packed and was waiting at the door on her to get her **** together so we could start our journey of a future together.
She never understood that.
I have my own home.
A great savings.
Career.
All is in place im waiting for a life partner and here she is tho hung out once a week, did not try to be closer, save any money, pay bills off, do any acts of kindness but blamed me we weren't married witha bigger home. She wasnt offerring anything yet i was expected and acted like a step dad at school events and soccer games and family chit.
I gave yet received little but yet all she did was complain and put me down. BS

Man i wish these feelings of sadness, despair, emptiness would just stop.

 

[stovepipe]

Am i unreasonable?

Am i the crazy one?

Man i wish these feelings of sadness, despair, emptiness would just stop.

The pain will get worse before it gets better. You will go through phases of pain as time passes. Missing her, feeling guilty, shame, emptiness, loneliness, hate towards her, then regret for ever falling for her con. You are everything she know she cant ever be. Always remember that, as that is the key to realizing you are better off without her no matter how much you loved her. Its those qualities about you that more than likely she was attracted to. They try to strip that away from you cause they're jealous.

I'm 9 months out and still struggling daily. You are not the crazy one, they sure are good at making you feel like you are. Unreasonable? Not really, most BPD's chicks are irresponsible with money. Mine was always in debt, had no savings, would cry when her bills pilled up. Grocery shopping she would always buy crap we didn't need, then i would end up throwing away expired or rotten food on the regular.

They do tend to buy a lot gifts for people, then complain they're broke. She spent $1k on me between Christmas and my Birthday. Never dated or knew a girl who does that kind of stuff to that magnitude. It actually caught me off guard as it really made me feel like I was her soul mate as the gifts and things she did were the most thoughtful thing's anyone has ever done for me. So much so, those memories will forever be ingrained in my mind. Those holidays will never be the same as she did things I dreamed of. Her thoughtfulness made me fall for her more, but it in reality it all had ulterior motives.

I get the whole best friend thing. My ex was my rock, my partner in crime. But as time went on, I started to unveil her lies, cheating and secret drug use. I started to feel alone, unloved and a slave and dating myself half the time. I didn't just give her part of me, I gave her all of me. That is a mistake I promised myself never to do, but ended up doing. Thats why the pain I feel is so great. I feel that because I gave her all of me, that she stole some of me I can never get back.

 

[exhausted]

The pain will get worse before it gets better. You will go through phases of pain as time passes. Missing her, feeling guilty, shame, emptiness, loneliness, hate towards her, then regret for ever falling for her con. You are everything she know she cant ever be. Always remember that, as that is the key to realizing you are better off without her no matter how much you loved her. Its those qualities about you that more than likely she was attracted to. They try to strip that away from you cause they're jealous.

I'm 9 months out and still struggling daily. You are not the crazy one, they sure are good at making you feel like you are. Unreasonable? Not really, most BPD's chicks are irresponsible with money. Mine was always in debt, had no savings, would cry when her bills pilled up. Grocery shopping she would always buy crap we didn't need, then i would end up throwing away expired or rotten food on the regular.

They do tend to buy a lot gifts for people, then complain they're broke. She spent $1k on me between Christmas and my Birthday. Never dated or knew a girl who does that kind of stuff to that magnitude. It actually caught me off guard as it really made me feel like I was her soul mate as the gifts and things she did were the most thoughtful thing's anyone has ever done for me. So much so, those memories will forever be ingrained in my mind. Those holidays will never be the same as she did things I dreamed of. Her thoughtfulness made me fall for her more, but it in reality it all had ulterior motives.

I get the whole best friend thing. My ex was my rock, my partner in crime. But as time went on, I started to unveil her lies, cheating and secret drug use. I started to feel alone, unloved and a slave and dating myself half the time. I didn't just give her part of me, I gave her all of me. That is a mistake I promised myself never to do, but ended up doing. Thats why the pain I feel is so great. I feel that because I gave her all of me, that she stole some of me I can never get back.

You make a lot of sense. I saw her once a week for months and months, still remained close but there was no effort for more.
What drugs did she do?
Mine told me years b4 me she smoked pot every single day for 4 years. I thought that was crazy.
She said she got married and was miserable.
Over the last 3 years w me and even recently she said she wanted to do it again and asked me to w her . I declined. First off im not ruining my career over that and second im a whiskey guy. She makea 27 an hr at a good energy corp and would he risking her job. What a dummy.
Anyways she said it takes her to her happy place because normally she always feels stressed and anxious. Like wtf how can u admit that but not see you are over dramatic and make problems out of nothing? Ha. Like still the victim. Cant realize she is nuts.

I get the spending thing as well.
Not on me tho, which i dont mind but for holidays she would spend way too much on family and brothers that are in their 40s.
She would spend at least 500 on her kid each xmas who was 3 - 6 yrs old during our time, i thought that was nuts.
Kids can get 10 presents and be overwhelmed at that age, no need to buy 20.
And she wouldgo broke spending this while living at home the entire 3 years.

But that is how she was raised a spoiled entitled princess now a pain in the ass princess.

Maybe she was secretly doing drugs the last year or so. Do u think?
How else do u make 27 an hour live at home for free and yet have 100$ in ur savings? She had lots of debt but should have been putting away 500 a month at least after her bills this last year, i worked out her budget for her as she asked me.

No other explaination

 

[stovepipe]

You make a lot of sense. I saw her once a week for months and months, still remained close but there was no effort for more.
What drugs did she do?
Mine told me years b4 me she smoked pot every single day for 4 years. I thought that was crazy.
She said she got married and was miserable.
Over the last 3 years w me and even recently she said she wanted to do it again and asked me to w her . I declined. First off im not ruining my career over that and second im a whiskey guy. She makea 27 an hr at a good energy corp and would he risking her job. What a dummy.
Anyways she said it takes her to her happy place because normally she always feels stressed and anxious. Like wtf how can u admit that but not see you are over dramatic and make problems out of nothing? Ha. Like still the victim. Cant realize she is nuts.

I get the spending thing as well.
Not on me tho, which i dont mind but for holidays she would spend way too much on family and brothers that are in their 40s.
She would spend at least 500 on her kid each xmas who was 3 - 6 yrs old during our time, i thought that was nuts.
Kids can get 10 presents and be overwhelmed at that age, no need to buy 20.
And she wouldgo broke spending this while living at home the entire 3 years.

But that is how she was raised a spoiled entitled princess now a pain in the ass princess.

Maybe she was secretly doing drugs the last year or so. Do u think?
How else do u make 27 an hour live at home for free and yet have 100$ in ur savings? She had lots of debt but should have been putting away 500 a month at least after her bills this last year, i worked out her budget for her as she asked me.

No other explaination

My ex smoked weed just about every day for over 15 years. She would walk around the apt with the bowl and lighter in her hand all the time. Although I did join her on occasion, It got annoying really fast being in a smoke filled apt. It was her secret alcohol ,coke and cigg addiction she hid from me.

Chit, I saw my ex 6 days a week for almost 2 years. Gave me a key to her place within the first month. My business started to crumble soon as I started seeing her. I spent all my time with her, when she would go to work, I barley was able to focus on mine.

Who knows if she was doing drugs, but she was definitely hiding something from you. They all seem to have secret little lives that they hide all so well. Have you asked her if she was doing any drugs? All these types of women can offer is their time, gifts and sex. They are not capable of loving or having a healthy emotional attachment, its just not possible for them. My ex was a hard worker, never late in years and did her job well. That was something I respected the hell out of, but she had nothing to show for it.

She despised me cause I owned my own business. Before she left for work in the morning she would walk over to the bed and give me a kiss saying "god, I hate you, wish I could stay home like you". I tried to open a business with her, but she we never got around to it. Thats how much I loved her, I wanted to work by her side everyday as we were a good team when we put our minds together.

When we first started talking she told me her liver was failing from all her years of alcohol and drug abuse. That she quit drinking, and loved the fact I rarely if ever drink. Well, as time went on she would come home from her bar manager job smelling like alcohol. She would hide from me, but I always smelled it, when I called her out she would say "ok, I only had a couple beers and a shot, not a big deal". Then I asked her "I thought you cant drink anymore cause of your liver problem". Even tho I went with her to the Dr's many times, the liver thing she said magically healed. Knowing what I know now, that was a BS story to get me to feel sorry for her.

As time went on, so did her alcohol abuse. Then I started noticing her coke addiction by her behavior as I hung out with enough druggies in my younger years to know. She denied it all day long, but I later found proof she was doing it. Get this, even with the 100% proof I had she was doing it, she still denied it. It was getting to the point in our final months that I was catching her lying, cheating, ect with proof of it all, but she just couldn't for the life of her admit it, even showing her the evidence she still denied it! Telling the truth was probably one of the hardest things for her, lying was her 2nd language. I blame myself for being the biggest moron, probably on this entire forum for staying as long as I did. Now, even 9 months out, I'm suffering pain I never even knew was even possible. Im getting panic and anxiety attacks numerous times a week, hair turning grey so fast it's scary, sharp pains in my heart, cant get a good nights sleep, picked up some addictions to help cope with the pain. A total mind phuk and more than likely some permanent mental damage.

I've been thru some chit in my life, but I honestly can't think of any pain worse than what I have and still go thru. Not even losing a family member would top the pain that relationship caused. I'm just thankful I educated myself and I'm not one of those sheeple who's so brainwashed to chase a BPD for years trying to get her back thinking her love was truly genuine. I'm blessed to be where I am today and also with the knowledge I gained to see everything for what it really was.....a mirage in the desert!

After what I went thru I now have developed what feels like super human kind of abilities to spot a lie before its told, to recognize manipulation where others cant, a scam from a mile away, to spot a Cluster B by their soul piercing eye contact, being taken advantage of, lies thru text, ect. Ever since she left I realized a handful of my friends were actually narcs, I got ride of ever one of them. It hit me that I was attracting abusive people in my life. While I lost almost everything, I gained a few things I always wanted.....Respect for myself, not being afraid to speak up or say no, and also not afraid to cut the toxic people out of my life even if that meant I'm all alone.

 

[exhausted]

My ex smoked weed just about every day for over 15 years. She would walk around the apt with the bowl and lighter in her hand all the time. Although I did join her on occasion, It got annoying really fast being in a smoke filled apt. It was her secret alcohol ,coke and cigg addiction she hid from me.

Chit, I saw my ex 6 days a week for almost 2 years. Gave me a key to her place within the first month. My business started to crumble soon as I started seeing her. I spent all my time with her, when she would go to work, I barley was able to focus on mine.

Who knows if she was doing drugs, but she was definitely hiding something from you. They all seem to have secret little lives that they hide all so well. Have you asked her if she was doing any drugs? All these types of women can offer is their time, gifts and sex. They are not capable of loving or having a healthy emotional attachment, its just not possible for them. My ex was a hard worker, never late in years and did her job well. That was something I respected the hell out of, but she had nothing to show for it.

She despised me cause I owned my own business. Before she left for work in the morning she would walk over to the bed and give me a kiss saying "god, I hate you, wish I could stay home like you". I tried to open a business with her, but she we never got around to it. Thats how much I loved her, I wanted to work by her side everyday as we were a good team when we put our minds together.

When we first started talking she told me her liver was failing from all her years of alcohol and drug abuse. That she quit drinking, and loved the fact I rarely if ever drink. Well, as time went on she would come home from her bar manager job smelling like alcohol. She would hide from me, but I always smelled it, when I called her out she would say "ok, I only had a couple beers and a shot, not a big deal". Then I asked her "I thought you cant drink anymore cause of your liver problem". Even tho I went with her to the Dr's many times, the liver thing she said magically healed. Knowing what I know now, that was a BS story to get me to feel sorry for her.

As time went on, so did her alcohol abuse. Then I started noticing her coke addiction by her behavior as I hung out with enough druggies in my younger years to know. She denied it all day long, but I later found proof she was doing it. Get this, even with the 100% proof I had she was doing it, she still denied it. It was getting to the point in our final months that I was catching her lying, cheating, ect with proof of it all, but she just couldn't for the life of her admit it, even showing her the evidence she still denied it! Telling the truth was probably one of the hardest things for her, lying was her 2nd language. I blame myself for being the biggest moron, probably on this entire forum for staying as long as I did. Now, even 9 months out, I'm suffering pain I never even knew was even possible. Im getting panic and anxiety attacks numerous times a week, hair turning grey so fast it's scary, sharp pains in my heart, cant get a good nights sleep, picked up some addictions to help cope with the pain. A total mind phuk and more than likely some permanent mental damage.

I've been thru some chit in my life, but I honestly can't think of any pain worse than what I have and still go thru. Not even losing a family member would top the pain that relationship caused. I'm just thankful I educated myself and I'm not one of those sheeple who's so brainwashed to chase a BPD for years trying to get her back thinking her love was truly genuine. I'm blessed to be where I am today and also with the knowledge I gained to see everything for what it really was.....a mirage in the desert!

After what I went thru I now have developed what feels like super human kind of abilities to spot a lie before its told, to recognize manipulation where others cant, a scam from a mile away, to spot a Cluster B by their soul piercing eye contact, being taken advantage of, lies thru text, ect. Ever since she left I realized a handful of my friends were actually narcs, I got ride of ever one of them. It hit me that I was attracting abusive people in my life. While I lost almost everything, I gained a few things I always wanted.....Respect for myself, not being afraid to speak up or say no, and also not afraid to cut the toxic people out of my life even if that meant I'm all alone.

You are not a moron u were just unconditional which only works with parents and children not relationships.

She sounds like a nightmare, be thankful you are out.

 

[exhausted]

Day 17.

**** this cvnt.

I've lost 7lbs this lst month and made an extra 600$ with OT.

I am contemplating if i should purchase a boat, jet skiis or trade in my quad for a faster one even tho it is practically new at 2 years old.

Hmm. I have choices and options due to my financial freedom for being responsible and hard working where i Got shamed for it from the ex.

She's a child living at home blowing money and I'm an adult.

Fuxk her.

 

[noBSgames]

Good for you man! I ended up blocking mine this morning from Snapchat after what she said I was like you know what I'm not going to keep going back and forth it's never going to end unless I put a stop to it. So I started it first and the more I thought about it I would ask her she needs to change and she would just mirror me back and tell me "when are you going to change?" It seems the further and longer we talk the more she seems to deteriorate IMHO like left and right red flags checking every box for bpd which she still say she does not have (they all say that) I can't be bothered.. if we don't talk again I'm sure she will try to make another attempt before my birthday or befor the holidays since she knows I'm going to be busy.. last year she was mad as of why I did not send any of the $1,670 I made a week with her and I said why?