refusing to go to the in-laws help

[insanity]

i have been married for almost 5 years. i got my goals in sight and i'm ready to blast off but things are starting to get rocky. the cause isn't between me and my wife. there is no jealousy or fighting over stupid things and there is no drama(thank god). the main problem we have is, my wife's family are very pessimistic. they always complain and they never see the good in anything. if you tell them your plans, they just shoot it down and say were foolish. it's very mentally exhausting.

for the last few years i changed my outlook from negative to positive because not only does it feel good but good things also come from this form of thought. i stopped hanging out with people who did nothing but complain and i started hanging with people who wanted to do things in their life and were motivated.

the problem i am having is that misery is very infectious. i can't avoid my family in-laws because i now have a baby boy and my wife wants me to go up to her house and be with her. but there house isn't that big and i can't avoid talking to these people.

anyways, lately i have been making alot of excuses not to go up to her house because i just don't want to be around them because they either shoot anything you say down or belittle you in other ways. i told her that i am slowly losing my patience and i am going to explode because i can't listen to their crap anymore, so today i told her that i am not going up there for a long while. she was mad and left...she also said your just making excuses not to come up to my house and i said "why would i want to put up with that crap anymore. i deserve to be treated with respect." i am not wasting time and energy there anymore....then she left in a flash.....she also tried the tears.

right now i am at that stage in my life, that i need all the positive reinforcement that i can get because my goals have no room for negativity. i can't have doubt. i have to believe in myself and what i am built to do.

me and my wife came home for the summer so the whole families could see are child and what a mistake that was( i mean the coming home part....i love my kid). i am now in the process of getting us out of here. i hope i will not be to late

in-laws can be a pain.... or am i just being to critical?

 

[STR8UP]

Yet another reason to be super cautious going into a marriage.

You don't just marry her, you're taking on the family too, at least to an extent.

 

[KontrollerX]

From the book 48 Laws of Power...

Law 10

Infection: Avoid the Unhappy and Unlucky

You can die from someone else’s misery – emotional states are as infectious as disease. You may feel you are helping the drowning man but you are only precipitating your own disaster. The unfortunate sometimes draw misfortune on themselves; they will also draw it on you. Associate with the happy and fortunate instead.

So yeah man you are not being too critical at all.

People like this can literally drag you down into their depression and misery.

 

[penkitten]

she just had a baby and wants to show him off to the family. there is nothing wrong with that.
i know you aren't very fond of these people, and i know they get on your nerves with the way they act, and i understand that you really don't want your child raised up around people who belittle everyone else just for the sake of acting as if they might be "better" than others.
i am also sure that your wife doesn't want all that either.
she wants to show the baby off and let everyone know how good things are with your family (you+her+baby)
she is probably a little hormonal right now too.

if you go with your wife and smile and let her show the baby off for a little while and then leave to go to your family to do the same thing, i think your wife will see that you care about her feelings and are behind her in the things that she does.

if you fight with her about going, she is going to feel like she has to make a choice of visiting or not visiting, where no matter what she chooses, someone will get mad. if she chooses to visit alone, it might hurt your feelings, and her family will talk about you behind your back. if she chooses not to visit, they will call her to talk about you. WHY? because they like to belittle other people.
does she know how you feel about the way they belittle and shoot down other people?

 

[jophil28]

I am a little confused - In your post you refer to "her house " .Do you mean her parent's house (your wife's previous abode) OR does your wife live there with them?

Secondly- Your in-laws are toxic. The negative ,complaining atmosphere that some people create is to be avoided and you are being true to yourself in minimizing your contact with them.
Your obligation is to yourself, marriage and your child (in that order) - this means that you ,as a man, need to grasp onto the rightful leadership role to lead her and your son to a life of happiness and success that YOU design. . Negative ,critical, carping in-laws do not fit in this plan..You are right in trying to limit your contact with them.
The difficulty is that your wife is related to these people and may feel obligated to visit with them often.
However her obligation is to YOU and YOUR MARRIGE firstly, and then to them after that. I wish that more western men could adopt this mindset. Your wife owes YOU her loyalty over her parents.
Her parents are not contributing in a positive manner to your life (if they were, you would not have posted )
There is a passage in the Bible which instructs us- " A man shall leave his father and mother and stick to his wife " Can't recall the chapter and verse. However this principle also applies equally to women. They need to emotional grow up and separate from Mom and Dad and direct their involvement into their marriage. One of the ways to measure growth and maturity is when a young adult no longer looks to their parents for approval or permission. Is your wife willing to make her decisions and choices without reference to mom and dad ? Is she willing to ignore their advice if it conflicts with your wishes or your desires. If not, then YOU have a problem. You have a young woman who has not individuated properly.
Do your in-laws have over-riding influence in your married life?
Does your wife try to "keep everone happy " by trying to pleae her parents and follow their "advice" over what you want ?.

Do you feel that you constantly or regularly have to debate with your wife against her parents wishes or their opinions ?

I applaud your decision to be positive and be around positive people , however , your in-laws are an ever present force in your life and your challenge is to somehow convert their negativity to positive support OR limit your connection with them.

Tough call, but,if a choice needs to be made, your wife's feelings of "loyalty" to them needs to come second to her obligation to you and your marriage.

 

[Bible_Belt]

But if they are making you fight with your wife, then they are dragging you down to their level, aren't they?

No one other than you controls your feelings. You have to find a way to laugh off the toxic people and not let them bother you. There are too many of them in the world to avoid them all. Minimizing contact is understandable, but it's not worth an unhappy marriage. The fight that you have with her now will be brought back home with you after you leave for the summer. If you are strong enough to deal with the inlaws, then their negativity stays with them. If you are not, then you will carry it with you.

 

[joekerr31]

inlaws can be a seroius pain in the butt.

they arent so bad when you are young - as you likely appreciate their role as potential support in life.

but when you are older, holding your own, living your own life by your own rules and you have to put up with people who think they have a 'say' because of their daughter - its can definitely be annoying, especially if they are negative.

that said, i think the issue you are having here is really a non issue, and it is only arising as a result of how you perceive the situation.

in a marriage or any committed relationship, you have to give your significant other three 'have it your way' cards. three is just an arbitrary number, but i think it works well.

what this means is that you are committing to what they want - even if you REALLY dont want to do it - on three events.

so the first may be visiting the inlaws.
the second may be watching desperate housewives.
the third may be going to yoga class with her.

then thats it. if she says you have to go to her book club with her, you can turn around and say 'nope, not doing it. i dont give a sh*t if we get a divorce, i am NOT doing it."

now you don't even have to tell her that you are giving her these three things. you just have to make this pack with yourself. you have to take THREE things that she likes that annoy the hell out of you and do them without complaint. it could be visiting the inlaws, taking yoga classes and going to see a chic flick once a month. she gets a pass on these three things - you will do them without complaint.

beyond those three things you can stand your ground and refuse to do what she wants.

what this does is a few things:

1) it shifts how you see the situation. suddenly you are better able to stand the inlaws because its one of three annoyances you've committed to enduring. it doesn't mean you have to like them, or even treat them nicely, but you gotta visit when the wife asks.

2) you avoid becoming an AFC. a lot of guys end follow an all or nothing model. either they are crappy husbands who do nothing for their wives. or they are chumps who do whatever their wife says. you are ONLY caving on three things. beyond that you'll do stuff if you want, but not simply because she wants you to.

3) you retain power over the situation. because YOU have chosen to do these things, you don't feel like you are being forced to. as a result, you won't feel nearly as upset over them as you do presently.

4) you are stacking the deck in your favor with regards to your marriage. by being a 'good' guy (ie. doing these 3 things) but not an AFC (ie. doing whatever she wants) you now have the credibility to get your way in future battles without her being a poor sport about it. You are making an effort to take care of the things she cares about, and as a result you can now hold her to a higher standard in terms of how she treats you.

5) you have to these things anyway and when you b*tch and complain about them you negate all the good will you COULD be getting from them and walking away empty handed. when you b*tch about this stuff to your wife, and then go do it, she doesn't appreciate the effort you are making because shes so focused on how much you probably hate her for making you do these things. but when you suck it up and do these things without b*tching and complaining, you will gain TONS of good points in her book because she will see it as you are doing these things because you love her.

anyway, this is a VERY common problem. but try to keep in mind that every time you tell your significant other that you don't give a sh*t about something that matters a lot to them you are putting a little crack in your marriage. and the same goes for when they do it to you!

over time these issues can build up and create a wedge between the two of you and suddenly you find yourself in a loveless marriage and wondering what the hell you are still doing together.

remember, this doesn't have to be that painful. commit to doing THREE THINGS that you don't want to do and it will probably result in breathing life back in to your marriage. and not only will it NOT make you AFC, it will actually increase your DJness in other areas of life - because outside those three things you can be a hard ass who does things HIS way.

 

[insanity]

thank you for the replies everyone. it's nice to hear everyones perspective on my situation.

the one question i wish my parents in-law asked themselves is if their daughter is happy. i am a musician and i know thats every parents nightmare but i have never mentioned it to them because i know that it would be just another thing for them to complain about. but i always have a job and i have food on the table for my family everynight and we never phone home for money even if we our just starting out in life.

i am not getting any younger though and i would rather try going after what i am good at then asking myself in the future "what if".

i am smart enough to do something academically but right now i would rather go out and try to live and do what i always loved and maybe get a shot at doing something not only great for me but also inspire my son someday to not be belittled by people who say "you need an education to succeed at life". if i can't pull off what i want and it seems like it's out of reach then, i know when to throw in the towel and i will finish going for my degree at university.

i can see where my parent in-laws come from because they can't understand why i don't finish university and make big money their way. we have never asked for their charity or advice. all we want to do is live and do what we think is best for ourselves.

me and my wife will get through this because it seems we have been through heck and back and survived dumber things.

i am greatful for everybodies replies.

 

[Latinoman]

You did not marry them.


Forget about them. Heck, phuck 'em!.