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PART 1 - I guess I'm dating a chick with BPD, please help if you have experience

49au

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Shari S's site (particularly the article on the waif type borderline) is what really opened my eyes... but you're right, she kind of portrays BPDs as soulless psychopaths.

For a more balanced look I've also been reading some threads on other forums by BPDs who are in treatment and/or have been labeled "recovered." There is a really good thread on psychforums where "nons" ask diagnosed BPDs questions, and a lot of the results are really illuminating, as they go through their thought processes on why they behave the way they do, why they push people away, etc.

http://www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/topic47447.html

There is a lot of dumb sh1t ITT, but there are also some really lucid posts from BPDs where they express remorse, empathy, and admit that they knew "something" was wrong even before they went into treatment.
 

deuce42

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But from what I was reading, the problem is that most of them never believe they have a problem, the are good at convincing themselves its always someone elses fault and they are the victim. Therapy is only good where someone knows and accepts they have a problem. Alcoholics for instance know they have a problem eventually, because its measured in physical illness or drunken behaviour which they realise people dont accept and they cannot remember what they did in certain periods. If BPDs mostly see no problem with their behaviour then they wont ever go to therapy. The ones that do may be able to recover, but I would bet (I have no proof just a hunch) that that is only a very small tip of the iceberg.
 

deuce42

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I guess the only thing I would counter to my above is that BPD is not a mental illness in the sense that people suffering real and legitimate mental illness (eg schizophrenia, bipolar,) are unable to fix their problem with therapy- its a chemical thing in their brain which is medically very real. At least with these BPD chicks if they can take responsiblity or are forced to, they can get fixed.
 

49au

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Right, BPD is an emotional disorder.

Some of the BPDs I have talked to recently have stated that they always knew something was off.

The problem is that they can sense it is something so deep, the thought of fixing it is too terrifying to confront.

My ex knows too. In our last phone conversation, she said, "I realize now that I'm not meant to be with someone the way other people are." And she has made other strange statements like that in the past. She also said she was "naive" for ever having wanted to marry someone once. Yet I guarantee you that she will never go to a therapist.
 

Atom Smasher

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49au said:
Right, BPD is an emotional disorder.

Some of the BPDs I have talked to recently have stated that they always knew something was off.

The problem is that they can sense it is something so deep, the thought of fixing it is too terrifying to confront.

My ex knows too. In our last phone conversation, she said, "I realize now that I'm not meant to be with someone the way other people are." And she has made other strange statements like that in the past. She also said she was "naive" for ever having wanted to marry someone once. Yet I guarantee you that she will never go to a therapist.
My ex, a BPD, just texted me the very same thing yesterday. Almost word-for-word. The amazing thing about this disorder is the uniform set of symptoms and behaviors.
 

sexysuave

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How serious was the accident?
The accident was pretty serious. She got rear ended by a big pickup truck and it totaled her car. She called me absolutely crying terribly and was pretty incoherent and couldn’t tell me much more than she was in accident and the street she was on. I asked if she was ok and she said “no”, then I heard people in background and had her give the phone to the guy at the window that came up to check if she was ok. I asked him where this was located and headed that way. We talked on the phone 15 minutes later and she had calmed down and told me that she is in an ambulance and that they’re taking her to ER. She could not move her neck. She spent half a day in ER, but MRIs came back negative and they said she didn’t have anything broken, but was just pretty banged up. They also said that her back is not aligned properly but that this wasn’t due to an accident and that it’s been there prior and she said “yes, I already knew about that” (since I’ve known her, she has had to see a physical therapist every few weeks because she has a misaligned back or whatever the proper medical name for it is).

She also did not see the truck coming behind her, so when it hit her car it took her by surprise and startled her. It hit her so hard that she ran into another lady that was in front of her and that lady ended up in the hospital as well.

Oh, and while I’m on this topic, even before all this she had “frequent headaches” or back pain, which I noticed was also one of the symptoms. She complains about her body a lot and says that sometimes she just wishes she had a new body. Last year she had some other pretty big medical problems with “LPR” (I guess some type of reflex). Her stomach produces too much acid and it affects her upper esophagus and makes her caugh a lot and usually makes her throat hurt so she was on medicine for most of last year and also a very strict diet. She wasn’t supposed to drink any alcohol, coffee, soda, or anything citrusy or eat anything fried or fatty. And she actually followed this religiously for MOST of last year, about 7 months or so she did not have even one alcoholic drink (her friends have confirmed this), and didn’t drink coffee (which she loves), but she started doing social drinking again once her and her ex broke up. She went to her doctor for a check up and told him that she has started doing some light social drinking, but the doctor said that everything at the moment looked fine.

Also, she is not a smoker, and doesn’t do drugs, and is a light social drinker, definitely not an alcoholic.

Why that is? Enmeshment. Whatever you do with this relationship, you need to start detaching or it will hurt you a great deal. Compare who you are now to who you were 9 months ago. Are you still the same person? Or do you feel empty when your girlfriend is not around? Do sports interest you as much as they did before your girlfriend?
No, I’m not the exact same person. I think as much is obvious from my posts since I’m clearly codependent on her. Basically when she is happy, I’m happy, and those moments when she gets depressed and is down and what not, as much as I try to, I’m also sort of down. I have thought about this before as well, and tried to keep my high spirits in the moments of her despair. It is TOUGH. And obviously it is unhealthy for me. I shouldn’t be feeling “down” just because the voices in her head are causing her to feel depressed at the moment. Also, what makes is so tough, is that the good times predominate the relationship. The really “I’m sad” moments are far few and between, but there are there. I can tell sometimes that she is just not 100% in great mood even if she doesn’t admit it. So I always sort of knew that she might have some depression problem.

Almost forgot to mention, about 4 or 5 moths ago when she had that previous big tantrum, she mentioned something about seeing her “doctor” for something and I actually started researching back then a few things she talked about, and just ran across some depression stuff, I didn’t run into any BPD topics at all. So I actually ended up telling her that “I researched some of the stuff you told me about and it looks like depression may cause … … bla bla, whatever we talked about at the time.” Well she freaked out over this and got really upset saying “what did you think I was talking about, I don’t need anyone researching about me and trying to figure me out by researching. If you love me you woulnd’t search about me.” I mean she made a big deal about it and I didn’t get it. I was like “umm, if I love you, it means I WOULD search about you, because I CARE, (she always said she thinks she is way more into our relationship that I am), and I am obviously serious about our relationship.” She didn’t agree with me and see it this way as she said “I don’t need someone to research about me, bla bla bla” so I basically just dropped it. Only now when I think about it I’m thinking she probably figured I was onto her crazy ways and that I might figure out what she has so she was worried about that.
 

sexysuave

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Also, ANOTHER (lol, love it how I keep remembering things) thing that was a red flag is sometimes after we say our “I love you”, she would ask me “no matter what?”, and I would always wonder what she meant by “no matter what”. I told her a few times, “yeah, as long as you don’t cheat on me or disrespect me, I’m not sure what you’re really getting at”, and she would say something like “You know I would never do that, I’m talking about just things in general would you love me no matter what”. Well after she finally fessed up about her anxiety and mild depression DX she said “well this is kinda what I talked about sometime when I asked you ifyou love me no matter what”. But then she has also said that because of this she had some period where she just went through life “not caring about anything”. She says a few years back she had a time period in her life when she just didn’t care about anything and has done some things “without thinking about the consequences” because she just wasn’t caring at the time. Obviously this was very UNPLESANT to hear as I’m thinking what kinda stories will she eventually tell me one of these days. She persists that she wants me to know “everything about her, even the smallest details” before we would move in together and talk about getting married and what not. Well, obviously, I’m REALLY hoping that if we are still together when she start telling me more “secrets” that she won’t be talking about her sexual experiences. I mean I obviously know she has had more partners than an average girl might (based on how many boyfriends she had and other guys she just “dated”), and I probably wouldn’t be TOO upset about it or anything, but if she says that she was in some kind of a multiple guy threesome or something like that, LOL , Jesus, I woudn’t know what the hell to say to that.

And I don’t necessarily feel empty when she is not around. I think I used to more so in the beginning, now I welcome my time away and usually try to enjoy it doing things I like doing. She has gotten more trusting, as weird as that sounds, and doesn’t freak out as much about me doing other things as she used to early on. I’m going to see my brother and parents again in a few days and will be staying over there for 9 days, so this will be a good test to see if she starts having her object constancy issues again while I’m gone. I mean, right now there are 2 parts of me: One part that hopes that she gets better and doesn’t have any more breakdowns and somehow magically improves; and another part that kinda hopes she just calls it quits (as this would make it easy this time around, knowing all this, I KNOW I’m probably better off without her in the long run, but this is deep inside of me for now, as I’m obviously giving her another chance.)

I do enjoy sports as much as I used to before, but I’m not gonna lie, she has mandated more time than usual and I have found my self sometimes spending time with her even when there is a game on TV that I really wanted to watch. Now don’t get me wrong, the games that I just REALLY REALLY wanna watch, I tell her up front “hey, there is this finals game on Thursday, and I’m gonna watch it with my buddies” and she usually never has a problem with it. But like I said there are times when I know of a game on TV that I woudn’t mind seeing, but I end up seeing her instead. I don’t’ tell her about this obviously because I don’t’ want her to think I’m putting her on a pedestal (which I guess deep down I kinda am lol, otherwise I would just watch the damn game, but I think things have already changed now that I know this information).

She has asked me over the last couple of days, at least twice, if everything is ok, and if we are still good. I guess she can probably sense that deep down I’m not obsessed with her anymore and not head over heals for her. I’m just not anymore. Reading all of this information has really helped me paint a picture of our relationship that is more realistic that the picture I used to have (the picture I so badly wanted to believe in). Also, the fact that she blatantly LIED about being with me forever and this and that and not being able to even explain why she would make such promising claims and at the drop of a hat change her mind for no apparent reason or any actions on my part. Right now, every time she says “I wanna be with you forever and always, I wanna marry you, I want your kids” it just doesn’t’ sound the same anymore after what she pulled. I just think “yeah, this sounds all too familiar” definitely not the first time I heard that lol. So no matter what happens, I’m MUCH better off now that I’ve ever been with her. Yes, it will hurt if it comes down to it, but I am coming right back on this board and reading all these posts and I honestly think that it won’t take me too long to recover. But I guess I will really only find out once it’s over. Thinking about her with someone else is also not a comforting thought, even after knowing all these facts, so hopefully if it ends bad I won’t see her around for a while.

Ok, so another interesting convo on Monday night, we were just chatting (in person) about random things, and I can’t remember how but somehow the topic of being cute came up and she says “I just don’t feel cute”. I’m like “you don’t’ feel cute?” She is like “no”. (once again, this chick is HOT, FINE, not just “cute” lol) I’m like “you don’t’ feel cute at all?” she is like “no” “sometimes I do” but then again most of the time no. I’m like “well you’re the same cute now as you are when you feel or don’t’ feel cute, so what’s the difference when you feel or don’t feel cute”. She is like “I don’t know, I just don’t feel it for the most part”. Now part of me wanted to say “ummm ok, you are by FAR the HOTTEST of all of your friends, so how the hell do you not feel cute, when you tell THEM all the time how cute they look and this and that” but I just let it go. This was all in a normal tone and wasn’t an argument at all, we simply talked about it. Also, she has done this in the past where she says she thinks she’s “fat” (she’s NOT lol) and I tried to reason with her to no cause. I even pointed out really fat people when we were out in public and said “ok, now THAT’s FAT, and THAT right there is fat”, YOU are definitely NOT fat whatsoever. But hey, it’s the way she felt, and that’s all that mattered. Also a red flag to me is the few times she has told me during these “I’m fat” proclamations that “I look in the mirror, and I just don’t’ like what I see”. I was like “I’m sorry, don’t’ mean to be an as**ole, but millions of girls in the world would pay big money to look anything like you”. And she was just like “yeah, right”. But then there are times when I give her a compliment or something, simple “you look hot” and she would giggle and be like “oh, I know”, flirting back. And it’s always ironic to me ‘cause I’m thinking “hmmm, that’s interesting, so full of confidence now” lol.
 

sexysuave

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But at the same time you don't really know what to say to her. It's as if she doesn't have any core values. Half the time you're explaining things to her and she soaks it up like a sponge. But her values in reality are your values. There probably have been times you were sitting next to her wondering what to say.
Not gonna lie, there HAVE been times where I was sitting next to her and wondering what to say. More so in the beginning but even now sometimes. However, I’m not sure that I can relate that to BPD, as I’ve had plenty girls in the past where every now and then you just sort of don’t’ have any topics in your convo any more and there are those moments of just kinda hanging out and not saying a whole lot. I think this is pretty normal with everyone as you can only talk about so many things with the same person before you move on to talking about your daily endeavors and what not, as you guys already have heard most of the stories from each others lives. So yes, I have felt like that, and yes, perhaps some of it is because of BPD, as I do realize now, thinking back on it, that she has adapted to mirror me pretty good and some of my values.

And 49au, thanks for that article, I read that as well, and that’s definitely her, she’s a “waif” the more cool and collected BPD, doesn’t yell or raise her voice, doesn’t get violent. Oh, and I have spent most of my free time from her over the last 6 days simply reading up on this religiously. I have read some of those horror stories and found my self paranoid last night lol. I live in a 2 story condo, by my self, and I woke up in the middle of a night to use the restroom, and went back to bed and some of the horror stories about BPD started flashing through my head and I found my self imagining her coming into my condo late at night while I was asleep to stalk me (she does have a key to my place, as I gave this to her before I knew she was a loony tune). Get this, lol, I was so paranoid for a minute that I got up and went downstairs (my bedroom is upstairs) and made sure she wasn’t downstairs. I don’t have the chain on my door to lock it from inside, and after I told this to my brother he was laughing really hard but then suggested I get the lock chains for my door so I can lock it from the inside when I’m home and not have to think paranoid thoughts. I’ve been living alone for a long time, and this is the first time I had an experience like this LOL. I kept thinking about some horror scene where I wake up in the middle of the night and she is just there, sitting in front of the bed or leaning on the wall, all cool and calm, maybe holding a knife, and her saying “but baby, we said we would be together forever, I scared, I tired (she says it like that sometimes, instead of saying “I’m tired” she would say “I tired” (like a kid), and instead of “I’m so sleepy” she would look at me like a little kid and be like “I so sleepy” which was another one of the clues that stood out for me after reading the symptoms). So to all of you out there who are not emotionally attached to a BPD at the moment, let me be your example!

I already wrote a whole damn book here, so I’ll stop, but I did just remember another detail from the past, maybe 4 or 5 months ago, not sure. I was out of town for a week and half way though that she started saying how “I don’t’ feel your love” “I don’t’ feel like you love me” and I’m like “huh?? Just 2 days ago you were saying how you know for a fact that I love you and wanna be with me” and she was like “I know, but I dunno, I just don’t feel it”. She was just kinda sad and down about it, didn’t argue with me about it, but was telling me that’s what she felt. I thought she was loosing her mind but didn’t make a big deal about it, was just like “ok, babe, whatever you say”. (this was probably the object constancy issue) Well she went out with 3 of her girlfriends that night, (they all like me as a person and know I’m a good dude), and called me a few times while she was out and texted me as well the whole night, so I am pretty certain she was with them the entire time as when I talked to her at the end of the night she was still with them. Well, she ends up telling me before the night was even over that she has “a confession”. I thought ok, this is it, if she cheated we are broken up for sure, as I will NOT stay with a girl if I know or find out she cheated. Well, she is like, “I guess I flirted with someone tonight”. I’m like “what the hell do you mean you guess you flirted” and she is like ‘well, my friends told me that I was being too flirty with this one guy” “but I didn’t even think I was flirting, there was just a bunch of people there and everyone was talking, I did tell him he has nice teeth but that’s because I always look at peoples teeth, guys and girls, and he really did have nice teeth and that’s all I was saying, but my girlfriends asked me to put my self in your position and if I think it would be ok for you to be like that and I realized that I wouldn’t be too happy about it, so I’m really really sorry baby.” Ok, now when she initially said she had a confession I thought she ran into the Dallas Cowboys football team and they all ran a train on her lol, so after she told me what she had to tell me, I actually felt relieved. However, I played it as I was pissed off like no other and pretty much stayed “fake mad” at her for about 2 days, just so she doesn’t lose respect for me or think that this is “accepted behavior”. I also had a discussion about it and she promised that she will NEVER EVER do that again and that she learned from it and that she didn’t even think she flirted, but her friends though so. (oh, and her friends also thought she was crazy for actually telling me what happened, they said that they were just giving her a heads up, but they didn’t agree that she should have told me that). So when I read some of the stuff so far, I learned that sometimes they might do things to “deliberately” hurt you. Do you think her telling me this was her trying to “deliberatelyl hurt me”, maybe because I was out of town and therefore “abandoned her”? lol, just curious, I didn’t think of this much since, but now it’s coming back to me.

First few months I never once showed any signs of jealousy at all, to the point where she had a conversation with me to see if I really gave a damn, as she has not ever, not once felt that I was jealous (now, I did get jealous here and there, but never showed it, I learned long time ago, especially with hot chicks, that it was best to not show jealousy (unless something clearly blatant and disrespectful) as this separates you from most AFC guys and displays your confidence. So for the most part, I try to act as if I don’t give a damn what they do when I date the hotties. And most time I really don’t’ give a damn what they do lol. Well since, I have gotten “fake mad” and thrown minny fits here and there when I had the opportunity just so she can see some emotion from me. So I guess I do have some acting on my part as well, and all of us here learning the game do have to start acting before those actions become natural and a part of who we are. If you act confident, and happy, eventually you will become confident and happy. You are what you think about most of the time, as they say.

But I will end it here for now, enough for one venting session.
 

sexysuave

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Will add though, I read a lot of guys that say that her phone is constantly going off from calls and messages from guys. I don't have this at all, in the very beginning there were some guy "friends" who would call or text, but this is non existant now. We spend a lot of time together, and her phone rarely rings or gets a text, and the few and in between times that it does, it's one of her girlfriends, and she usually always tells me right away or has me read it (probably a strategy to trust her lol), or even says "can you answer my phone babe" if she's in the bathroom or something. I think she knows deep down that I would not really accept her talking to any guy friends or anything, and she tells me that she doesn't talk to any guys period, not even the the couple of guys that were really just friends (AFC friends). She even has given me her e-mail password one time when she coudn't check some e-mail on her phone and asked if I could check her e-mail for her, but I refused. I ended up accidentaly finding the e-mail password of my ex of 6 years and never told her I had it but just knowing the password made me paranoid and always going in to check her e-mail to see if any dudes wrote her. Well, I didn't wanna live like that anymore, so I straight up told my BPD chick, I dont' want your e-mail password, check your e-mail when you get home, and she said "ok babe". She has also freely let me look at her facebook stuff, which I also just said 'aww cool, I don't really wanna look at it". So I'm pretty certain she has no contact with any guys. Once again, I could be massively fooled here, but this contradicts some other stories where her "phone keeps going off from guys calling and texting". Not excusing the rest of her behaviors at all, once again, just throwing out more facts of the puzzle.
 

AlexDP

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sexysuave said:
I already wrote a whole damn book here, so I’ll stop, but I did just remember another detail from the past, maybe 4 or 5 months ago, not sure. I was out of town for a week and half way though that she started saying how “I don’t’ feel your love” “I don’t’ feel like you love me” and I’m like “huh?? Just 2 days ago you were saying how you know for a fact that I love you and wanna be with me” and she was like “I know, but I dunno, I just don’t feel it”. She was just kinda sad and down about it, didn’t argue with me about it, but was telling me that’s what she felt. I thought she was loosing her mind but didn’t make a big deal about it, was just like “ok, babe, whatever you say”. (this was probably the object constancy issue) Well she went out with 3 of her girlfriends that night, (they all like me as a person and know I’m a good dude), and called me a few times while she was out and texted me as well the whole night, so I am pretty certain she was with them the entire time as when I talked to her at the end of the night she was still with them. Well, she ends up telling me before the night was even over that she has “a confession”. I thought ok, this is it, if she cheated we are broken up for sure, as I will NOT stay with a girl if I know or find out she cheated. Well, she is like, “I guess I flirted with someone tonight”. I’m like “what the hell do you mean you guess you flirted” and she is like ‘well, my friends told me that I was being too flirty with this one guy” “but I didn’t even think I was flirting, there was just a bunch of people there and everyone was talking, I did tell him he has nice teeth but that’s because I always look at peoples teeth, guys and girls, and he really did have nice teeth and that’s all I was saying, but my girlfriends asked me to put my self in your position and if I think it would be ok for you to be like that and I realized that I wouldn’t be too happy about it, so I’m really really sorry baby.” Ok, now when she initially said she had a confession I thought she ran into the Dallas Cowboys football team and they all ran a train on her lol, so after she told me what she had to tell me, I actually felt relieved. However, I played it as I was pissed off like no other and pretty much stayed “fake mad” at her for about 2 days, just so she doesn’t lose respect for me or think that this is “accepted behavior”. I also had a discussion about it and she promised that she will NEVER EVER do that again and that she learned from it and that she didn’t even think she flirted, but her friends though so. (oh, and her friends also thought she was crazy for actually telling me what happened, they said that they were just giving her a heads up, but they didn’t agree that she should have told me that). So when I read some of the stuff so far, I learned that sometimes they might do things to “deliberately” hurt you. Do you think her telling me this was her trying to “deliberatelyl hurt me”, maybe because I was out of town and therefore “abandoned her”? lol, just curious, I didn’t think of this much since, but now it’s coming back to me.
If she is BPD, and I'm not diagnosing here I'm only saying what a BPD does, then no, she did not deliberately try to hurt you here. She tried to get you more attached to her. A borderline is good at manipulating. Here she could be doing what every borderline waif does: she's playing stupid. My ex did the same thing. Same exact thing. "I didn't think I was flirting with him, but he thought I was and he wanted to kiss me, but I ran away so I could see you". Your ex is saying "I suppose I may have been flirting with this guy, but I didn't know I was and all I care about is you and please don't be mad at me, babe". If she's BPD, she's doing this to appear innocent and honest.

When a borderline deliberately tries to hurt or belittle you, you will know. You can trust me on that one :D.
 

49au

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sexysuave,

The idea that all BPDs are wh0res is another falsehood that kept me from seeing the truth about mine for a while. She was not like this either.

All her male friends were gay. She did not have 'orbiters'. She really didn't use FB or try to get "attention" that way. She checked mine religiously but in 8 months with her she literally never even made a status update or posted photos. She was in fact pretty sexually conservative (after the honeymoon phase, in which she was a freaking nympho) and did not dress slvtty at all. She was a "good girl" - did not like coarse language, excessive drinking, weird sex, etc.

Everyone is different... the main thing they are looking for is emotion, not sex. Sex is just a tool to make a man love them. And I think for some they can take or leave that.



Mine also had huge issues with her body, and didn't like to dress slutty. She wore some really sexy lingerie for me in the beginning but she definitely had self-esteem issues. I remember one time she met a girl that I had slept with, and she freaked the fvck out later on that night, crying and going about how that girl "has a perfect body." She had had a drink or two and was a little tipsy, but I remember that moment and her further outbursts about the girl as seeming really over the top. We were waiting in line for cabs, and the girl was with her group, me and my ex were with ours. She kept yelling "I hate that b1tch" and "there is not room in the cab for her." I just kept telling over and over, "We are not getting in a cab with them." Just the extreme insecurity, jealousy, and fear of abandonment showing through.
 

49au

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AlexDP,

Most of the BPD stories I've read, the ex turns into a real b1tch right before or after the breakup.

Yet in my case, she has never once been deliberately hurtful, hateful, or disrespectful. She's shown a lot of guilt, remorse, sadness, and cried her eyes out in front of me. She has been cold a couple of times, but that quickly dissolved when she saw that it hurt me.

I'm not sure if this is a function of her knowing that there is something genuinely wrong with her and that she's doing it again, if she feels genuine sorrow for hurting me, or both.

Or maybe if I had kept contacting her, and had begged for her back, that side would've come out then. I don't know.



FWIW, here are some more strange statements she's made that make a little bit more sense to me now:

"I deserve to be alone and miserable forever"
"I had something good and couldn't handle it"
"I've just been in relationships my whole life and I feel like it's something I'm done with. I'm angry at myself that it happened with you because we could've had something perfect."
"I know you would be a perfect husband and father. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and this feeling would go away."
"I did give you my heart. But I have given away so many pieces of my heart and feel like I have nothing left to give."
"I realize now that I'm not meant to be with someone the way other people are."
"I was naive" - referring to wanting to marry someone else, in the past

These things are from a girl that, within a couple months of meeting me, started going to psychics and keeping a journal of their "readings." She told me post breakup that this was because "I wanted to know that you were The One."

Statements like this are indicative of martyrdom, low self esteem, and fear of true intimacy. Hallmarks of BPD. A person with BPD is looking for the unconditional love of a parent, they cannot accept the conditional/mature romantic love of adults without extensive therapy.
 

Johnnyventana

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I don't know SS. Kind of seemed like she went out of her away to get you to trust her. No boundaries for sure! It is healthy to have some amount of privacy. Healthy and normal in a non-enmeshed relationship.

Sounds like you're making excuses. The denial stage. I admit, it is hard to completely comprehend these people. And even when you do, you have to never forget what your dealing with. Sometimes they make it very easy to forget -- except that there is always a 'next time' with these chicks. Always some manufactured drama.
 

49au

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Oh yeah, here's another good one...

When we met, she told me that she believed in God but was not a Christian. I told her I was an agnostic. As the relationship went on, we had a disagreement because she wants her children to be raised as Christians, and I do not. 8 months in, she used this as the primary reason for having doubts about staying with me. While this is a valid concern of course, she kept insisting that I "refused to compromise" on this, though we had never really talked about it in depth at all. I always felt it was a cop out.

So, from our last conversation:

her: "I don't think I'll ever find someone who is as good to me as you were."
me: "Of course you will. Just imagine someone who has the characteristics you like about me, who also believes in God."
her: "I would just find something else wrong."
 

sexysuave

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When a borderline deliberately tries to hurt or belittle you, you will know. You can trust me on that one .
Awesome, lol. I'll make sure that if that happens I let everyone here know how staying with her blew up in my face.


Mine also had huge issues with her body, and didn't like to dress slutty. She wore some really sexy lingerie for me in the beginning but she definitely had self-esteem issues. I remember one time she met a girl that I had slept with, and she freaked the fvck out later on that night, crying and going about how that girl "has a perfect body." She had had a drink or two and was a little tipsy, but I remember that moment and her further outbursts about the girl as seeming really over the top. We were waiting in line for cabs, and the girl was with her group, me and my ex were with ours. She kept yelling "I hate that b1tch" and "there is not room in the cab for her." I just kept telling over and over, "We are not getting in a cab with them." Just the extreme insecurity, jealousy, and fear of abandonment showing through.
Oh dude, trust me, I know about this one. My ex of 6 years is hotter than my BPD girl, and she is still freaked out about her. She even has dreams about her and me, and most of the time doesnt' wanna talk about the dreams, but everynow and then would ask me "that's just a dream, right babe" and I'm like "of course, common now". The other night we were taking a nap together in my bed, and she jumped up from a nightmare, heart beating fast, sweating bullets, short of breath. I was like "wow, babe, it's jsut a dream, it's ok" and she just cuddled up to me and held on to me. I was like, "what did you dream" and she just shook her head. I was like "babe, what did you dream". she is like "it was about her again" I'm like "babe, you need to quit worring about silly stuff like this, I haven't even seen or talked to the girl in almost 2 years." (fun fact: my ex jumped on a rebound not too long after our break-up, got knocked up by the dude, was forced to marry him because of the baby but eventually they just couldn't stand each other. she kept calling me back during the first year but I wanted nothing to do with her. eventually the "husband" left her and moved outta state so now she is a single mom lol). The husband leaving her thing happened a few months ago, so perhaps my current girlfriend is a bit more paranoid now that she knows my ex. is single again. She hasn't told me that she knows she is single, but they were in the same circle of friends many years back and they knew each other (not close friends, but they knew each other). So I'm certain she knows about what happened to my ex and she is paranoid that I will go back, but I honestly have no interest in the girl. It didn't work out when we were bagage free, I'm not about to run back and play captain save 'em and raise someone else's kid. I also do not EVER talk about my ex, the few times it's come up it's been brought up by my girl, and I just tell her she has nothign to worry about as far as that goes and that I'm not interested.

She also came with me once to a b-day party of a buddy from work. There was a hot blonde there that I knew through my buddy, and we just knew each other's names and that was it and said hi. I didn't really know her much at all, my buddy just introduced us. Well, she was acting a little "off" that night and when we got home she asked me about the blonde. Asked how well I knew her and if I ever had a thing with her. I'm like "huh? no, I barely even know her name, I got introduced to her once and that was it, I think she was dating my buddy". She is like "oh ok". I'm like "why" and she is like "I dunno, I was just getting a strange wibe from her and was worried that maybe you guys did something". lol I'm like "umm, no, negative".

So yea, she is definitely way more jealous than your average girl.
 

sexysuave

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I don't know SS. Kind of seemed like she went out of her away to get you to trust her. No boundaries for sure! It is healthy to have some amount of privacy. Healthy and normal in a non-enmeshed relationship.

Sounds like you're making excuses. The denial stage. I admit, it is hard to completely comprehend these people. And even when you do, you have to never forget what your dealing with. Sometimes they make it very easy to forget -- except that there is always a 'next time' with these chicks. Always some manufactured drama.

I'm not sure exactly what I'm making excuses for? Which part are you referring to? I'm simply trying to give as much information as possible. I tell you the bad and the good as well. But she doesn't talk to ANY guys at all, not even the 2 guys that were her friends for a really long time (super AFC guys, no match), she even stopped talking to them a couple of months into it. She literally has no contact with any guys. And this is just different that these other BPD girls I read about whose phones are "constantly blowing up" and they have all these "guy friends" and ex boyfriends and random dudes still somehow in contact. All I'm saying is, she doesn't. And hell, that's different from most girls I know. Most of them do have some contact with guy friends or ex boyfriends, even the normal chicks. This nutty BPD chick that I have now doesn't. No excuses, she obviously has SERIOUS issues, lol, but she doesn't have contact with dudes, unless she has me SUPER fooled and has a hidden phone stored in her basement that she only checks in the middle of the night, I mean I dunno, but from all I can tell and all that she tells me, she has no contact with any dudes whatsoever.

And what did you mean by no boundaries? I think there is an unspoken boundary about other guys that I think she understands. If she was to somehow start having contact with an ex or some other random dudes like I read about, I would be gone in an instant. I think she understands that, that’s why some wifes disrespect their husbands by forming close relationships with other man because they know they can get away with it, while some other wifes would never even contemplate doing that because they just KNOW that their ass would be kicked out the door in an instant.

Maybe I’m misunderstanding your boundary comment, if so, please explain it to me. Once again, I KNOW I’m with a person who has SERIOUS problems, I’m not excusing or denying that one bit. This girl has internal turmoil that I wish I or anyone else never experience them selves. But as 49au and String5 have said, not all of them are wh0rebags and cheat in a relationship. If I knew of her cheating, I would be gone in an instant. I’m not saying the “potential” to cheat is not there, clearly it is, probably way more so than with a normal chick, but as far as I know she hasn’t and she doesn’t even talk to any dudes whatsoever, which is more than I can say for a lot of chicks nowadays.

Awwww, didn’t think I would write a paragraph to defend my crazy BPD chick lol. But I do want to clearly present all information I have so far.
 

bigneil

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49au said:
her: "I don't think I'll ever find someone who is as good to me as you were."
That's precisely what my BPD said, as she was explaining why she didn't love me even though she wanted to. Nobody will ever treat me as good as you, she said.
 

49au

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I broke up with mine when she admitted that she still had "strong feelings" for her ex and had just started talking to him trying to figure out why she couldn't "let him go." After I broke up with her though, she went crazy trying to get me back for 24 hours and told the ex she realized that her feelings about their relationship weren't real.

What I did not realize at the time is that people with BPD can do something like this for one of these reasons:

1) they are already devaluing you and want to feel that they have a 'backup'

2) they are testing to see if you will love them unconditionally

3) they feel you are about to abandon them and are seeking a backup


I read an interesting story from a recovering BPD where she cheated on a "good man" and has regretted it ever since. She couldn't even tell him at the time why she did it. She thought there was no reason.

Months later, she was reading through their text convos and realized that a couple of days before she cheated, the guy said something about possibly being offered a transfer at work. She realized that she had become terrified of him abandoning her and cheated on him to feel 'safe' again.

It was really weird reading her post, but she was 100% sincere and it gave me some insight into the mind of these people. She said she regretted it then, and regrets it now.
 

HeMan

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my ex BPD was in such a rush to marry me that put so much pressure on me as i was not truely ready.

she admitted after we broke up she wanted to test how much i loved her through marriage. she said by marrying her it would show that i truely loved her

now since we broke up she wanted revenge and got it by becoming super friendly with my best friend and then sending me all there messages on facebook and msn.

she admitted she used him because she wanted Revenge for me abandoning her.

i thought i showed her non stop how much i loved her (i really did) . guess that was not enough!
 
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