Ok,..i think I've f'd myself again!!!

[RobLB]

I met this chick and we been going out about 3 months now. I've known her a long time and i finally asked her out and we instantly hit it off. BUT!!! She is goin through a divorce. I know, i know i always get the f'd up ones!! We been kinda secretly seeing each other at my place cause I told her I'm not gonna be seen with her as long as she's married, seperated or not. She supposedly going to get the papers signed next week after xmas. She is always telling me how incredible I am, and how much see loves me,..blah, blah, blah... And i really do like her. I just need to figure out how not to develop the dreaded oneitis syndrome which I feel is coming cause I get attached too easily sometimes. I want to be in control! I've kinda slacked off responding to her all her texts and cause I dont wanna give her that "pedistal" feeling. And I know she can tell casue she's been asking me "what's wrong?" I dont wanna piss her off either.

I know I'm probably a lost cause and I'm gonna get my ass flamed here but thats why I came here, AGAIN to get some advice.

Thanks

 

[happyguy]

It's a toughie, Rob. You walked into a tricky situation, and given what you have said, extrication might get difficult if you wait. You have to determine what you want out of this relationship. She is going to come in hard and fast to reclaim her womanliness and will do a lot of things to be considered the perfect woman. It is mostly to convince herself that she is good and wanted. There is nothing you can do if you get trapped in her vortex.

Again, think about what you are looking for in this relationship. Just a quickie, FWB, ocassion booty call, or something more serious. In either case you will need to be completely on top of yourself and not get dragged in the whirlwind that is a woman off a divorce. My blunt reccommendation would be to run. Wait out a year and reconnect. But you seem into this chick, so be prepared to navigate some emotional drama and recalls of her past. Be on top of everything thats going down. She will do her best to melt you into her reality and drama. Watch out for that! Otherwise, if you are careful to direct her along your frame, this could work out ok. Don't be weak now. Take a break from her for a week and go out and meet other women. Keep your head clear and light. Don't let her infiltrate your thoughts (that's the dreaded siren song of the oneitis). Deep breaths, calmness, strength. You could probably use this forum to vent or get advice from people who have more knowledge in this area.

Best, dude.

 

[betterthandead]

You're complaining about getting the "messed up" ones. I'm willing to bet you're pretty messed up yourself especially since you want to keep going after that.

 

[joekerr31]

haha - you tell her you won't see her until she is divorced and yet you are 'secretly' seeing her.

the reason you are so gung ho on this woman is not oneitis. its captain save a ho. she NEEDS a man right now and as a result she is treating you like a king. you like that feeling, it makes you feel like a king, hence the feeling of oneitis.

but really, if she weren't man hungry you'd probably be dealing with a very different woman.

let's put it like this - when someone is getting divorced the HEALTHY reaction is to be depressed. after all, something you gave years to is over. the healthy reaction is not to latch on to some guy and tell him how much you love him over and over.

this captain save a ho phase will last up to 12 months, then you'll begin to see who she really is.

 

[guru1000]

And i really do like her. I just need to figure out how not to develop the dreaded oneitis syndrome which I feel is coming cause I get attached too easily sometimes. I want to be in control! I dont wanna piss her off either.
Thanks

You have the wrong frame.

Who is she that you have to like her??

You want to kill ONEITIS? You want control? Then get ready to piss her off. Very simple.

Here's how to quickly change the frame.

Make a list of RULES. Tell her "You are to follow these rules or this isn't going to work."

If she follows your lead, you have control.

If she doesnt "Say goodbye and never call again."

You want control? Be prepared to walk away.

 

[jophil28]

You have the wrong frame.

Who is she that you have to like her??

You want to kill ONEITIS? You want control? Then get ready to piss her off. Very simple.

Here's how to quickly change the frame.

Make a list of RULES. Tell her "You are to follow these rules or this isn't going to work."

If she follows your lead, you have control.

If she doesnt "Say goodbye and never call again."

You want control? Be prepared to walk away.

This is GOLDEN advice -
I should have read this two years ago when I "fell" for a recently separated gushing gorgeous blonde who wanted me BAD until two months in when I wanted HER to act like a grown woman in a relationship with a grown man.
Then all her latent BPD sh!t came pouring out in the next six months of nuclear drama.

You got to understand "branch swinging " and you also need to understand that a woman leaving a relationship will NEVER look for another serious LTR until she f**ks a few saps whose job it is to provide HER with ego rehab and tons of validation.
This is the job for "rebound guy " , and that is YOU, dude.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Oh for the love of Christ,..

SPIN. MORE. PLATES!

How many languages do I have to type this in?

 

[STR8UP]

let's put it like this - when someone is getting divorced the HEALTHY reaction is to be depressed. after all, something you gave years to is over. the healthy reaction is not to latch on to some guy and tell him how much you love him over and over.

And how many women have you known that have gotten divorced that sit around crying over their ice cream and bon bons?

Joe.....be real man.

Most of the time it's the woman who initiates the divorce, and I will be bold enough to guess that AT LEAST 90% of the time she has secured another source of intimacy (or at least a good prospect thereof) before she filed the papers. I personally cannot think of one single woman who hasn't been involved with someone else even before the divorce was final. I would bet that even if it's the husband initiating that the wife has someone on the side before the divorce is final.

If it's the woman initiating (as is most cases) she isn't likely to be jumping off of a ten story building without a soft landing. I mean, isn't marriage a woman's ultimate goal in life? Even if she is the one breaking it off there is going to be a sense of failure. There are going to be HUGE cracks in her emotional being that she has to fill. And what better way to fill them than with a new man who will give her all of that attention and validation she was missing when she was married?

The way I see it branch swinging is WORSE in a divorce situation. In a dating situation she's jumping off of a chair. In a divorce she is leaping from that ten story building. Most of the time women can't bring themselves to jump off of something that is 12 inches off the ground without an airbag and a safety crew on standby.

It's like a little kid in a swimming pool. The kid is TERRIFIED of the water. Won't go near it. Until you put the floaties on his arms. Then he jumps in without coaxing. Floaties are nothing but air filled plastic that can easily be punctured, but that's beside the point. She will put the floaties on knowing that she can manipulate her way into a "patch" with the safety device later should something go wrong.

 

[iqqi]

let's put it like this - when someone is getting divorced the HEALTHY reaction is to be depressed. after all, something you gave years to is over. the healthy reaction is not to latch on to some guy and tell him how much you love him over and over.

Joekerr speaks the truth.

I don't know how someone could disagree with the statement he made. Unless of course, you keep telling yourself all women are the same, so that you have an excuse to keep going after the exact same women you've been going after!

 

[PTC]

Alot of good advice. I had some plates spinning too before she came along. One of them, who I met recently but nothing ever happened, left a flirtatous message on my myspace page and she saw it and sent me a text saying that she new I was talking to someone and that she wouldn't talk to me anymore!! I confronted her about it and told her there wasn't sh!t goin on and that we just didn't need to see each other anymore until after her divorce was final. Then she became all apoligetic and told me how much of a jealous person she was.
I mean I really like this girl and I've got other girls I can go hang with but I dont wanna piss her off and make her hate me. I thought about telling her today that we just need to chill until after her divorce but then she called me and told me she loved me and I pvssed out! We're supposed to go outta of town new years eve for one night, just me and her. And I've already paid for the room and airfare. I hope i didn't fvck myself!!! I talked to one of my Friend/girls this morning and she told me she would go with me if things didn't work out!! Haha

Other than kick myself in the nads,..what do u guys think I should do?


Thanks

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Oh for the love of Christ,..

SPIN. MORE. PLATES!

How many languages do I have to type this in?

You'd think that someone would have read that in one of the hundreds of threads saying this by now.

 

[romangod]

Other than kick myself in the nads,..what do u guys think I should do?


Thanks

I don't know......... That looks like your best option at the moment.


.

 

[STR8UP]

Joekerr speaks the truth.

I don't know how someone could disagree with the statement he made. Unless of course, you keep telling yourself all women are the same, so that you have an excuse to keep going after the exact same women you've been going after!

I don't disagree that the healthy reaction would be to take a time out and be sad, but I haven't met very many women who practice this. The general rule is that they latch onto the first guy that they find semi-attractive that pays them any attention. It's the truth, and I'm sure most guys here will confirm this.

I've hung out with, dated, and even lived with women from all parts of the world, from all walks of life, different races, different economic status, slender, curvy, dark hair, blondes, chicks with fukked up toes, one that had some mental issues, a single mother, teenagers to mid 30's....I've been there done that. Your "You just need to find the right women" argument is valid except for the fact that these women are too few and far between.

At the end of the day they are all emotionally driven, fickle creatures who require outside sources to make them "complete". The one I dated who wasn't like this....well, lets just say that she was too much like a man for my taste.

And for the record....one, yes ONE of these women was marriage material. So I know they are out there. But they are much fewer than you would like for us to believe.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Sweet Mother Mary! Please, all of you who want to help poor ROB (again), do a simple thread search on his user name(s) and refresh your memories about his past before you type one more letter in this thread. You're only making fools of yourselves if you don't.

And for the record, ROB, PM me with the account name you want to keep so I can ban the other. Posting under 2 user names (especially in the same thread) is grounds for banning.

 

[romangod]

Sweet Mother Mary! Please, all of you who want to help poor ROB (again), do a simple thread search on his user name(s) and refresh your memories about his past before you type one more letter in this thread. You're only making fools of yourselves if you don't.

I stand by my earlier post even more solidly now. Wow!



.

 

[PTC]

Sweet Mother Mary! Please, all of you who want to help poor ROB (again), do a simple thread search on his user name(s) and refresh your memories about his past before you type one more letter in this thread. You're only making fools of yourselves if you don't.

And for the record, ROB, PM me with the account name you want to keep so I can ban the other. Posting under 2 user names (especially in the same thread) is grounds for banning.

Sh!t I didnt even realize I did that. My bad! I created this thread at home and I have been monitoring it at work. So sorry. U can ban the Roblb account. I'll keep the PTC one.

Thanks