Need some help...can't get over my past LTR

[Anonymous56]

I got out of my first LTR about 2 months ago. This was the first girl I have ever had sex with and only the second that I have kissed. It was also the first girl that I loved and had loved me back. Here is what happened:

I found her to be a fairly attractive girl before we started going out but didn't really make much of it. She wasn't someone I was really trying to go after. But when I found out she wanted me it instantly made me attracted to her so we went out for about 8 months. Well...it was great for about the first 4 months. This was the time when I wasn't insecure about anything and didn't give a **** about anything. I would sometimes not even answer when she called or not talk to her for 3-4 days at a time.

Then I suddenly, one day, felt this weird feeling. I felt that I was in love with her. Well suddenly I got all insecure about losing her and questioning her feelings for me. I was calling her multiple times a day and would ***** at her for not calling me multiple times a day( I KNOW WTF?)
All I did was start fights with her for like 3 months straight. We broke up on emotional but somewhat positive terms, and she actually said that she thinks theres more of a chance than not that we will get back together(well thats definately down the ****ter now)

Then after we broke up it got ten times worse over the past two months. I just couldn't let go! I didn't give her any space...I called her about every day to see if I could pursuade her. She just ends up hanging up on me. So im at this point...I know it is over and I know I need to move on. But I am feeling extremely insecure and just really GAY.

I know that I can get over her..Just not calling her helps a lot. The real reason I posted was the fact that all two of the girls I have been with were girls that pretty much came up to me. I have never really successfully went up to a girl I WAS interested in but didn't know if she was interested in me or not. I am beginning to think that the only reason I want my ex back so bad is because I am just afraid that I won't get something like that again. I guess I am just fearing the unknown.

It is almost as if I want to jump right back into a relationship with someone so I can prove to myself that I won't get insecure.

 

[rsxy]

I had a similar case just a little while ago. I didnt call her everyday, but I was with the same girl for 2.5yrs. We broke up on amazing terms because I was moving to another city and it didnt fit with her life to move. Breaking up on those terms is super tough and afterwards I really had to relearn the whole dating and meeting new girls thing.

What I am getting at is that it is truly possible, and can actually be a fantastic experience to learn some new things about yourself and grow as a person (sorry if that sounds a little bit idealistic). So enough with the background, how do you go about doing this you ask? Heres how:

1) Stop calling her, get rid of any letters from her, get rid of her phone number, basically eliminate any thing in your life that was a part of the relationship. As long as you still have the things, even if its in some corner of your closet you still feel that you have some safety with her and you wont truly move forward.

2) Take a month of so and dont concentrate on picking up girls. Concentrate on your own stuff and doing some super fun things that you love. So go out with your buddies, have some fun, just relax for a little while.

3) What you will probably find is that when you arent looking for girls, and arent willing to date for a while girls will love you.

4) Maybe do the boot camp. I didnt formally do it, but I whent out lots and made a point of saying hi to random girls, and just got out and made some new friends and whent outside of my comfort zone.

5) Go on a couple dates, they will come if you follow some of the principles on here, no problem. Just dont talk about the ex with new girls. Trust me its a bad idea.


Anyways, hopefully this helps somewhat. I typed it pretty quick so its not too thorough.


Good luck!

 

[Anonymous56]

It does help...thank you. I don't really need to do anything official like a boot camp to help me. I have always been fine carrying conversations with girls and being comfortable around them. Well not always but the past 2 or 3 years . I actually had real bad social anxiety in high school thats why I was such a late bloomer.

Yeah I have none of her letters or anything. Come to think of it...right now I don't even want a girlfriend or anything. I have never been the type to just sleep with a girl and thats it. I have always had a girlfriend type mentality so i'll just have to be patient I guess.

I have a lot of good things going for me right now and I want to capitalize on those good things and make them even better. This whole thing puts a big damper on that stuff though.

I just want to forget.....

The biggest thing that is f*cking with me is I can't tell if I am really still in love with her or I am just afraid of losing her forever. Its really messing with me.

 

[rsxy]

I had a lot of the same feelings in terms of wondering if I was still in love with my ex. I just eventually came to the realization that it is possible to love someone as a person without being in love with them. Just say to yourself "She was an awesome girl, and it was a great experience to have". Just because you broke up doesnt mean you have to hate her. In fact most women I know really respect it if you are able to be positive about past relationships (as long as you arent going on and on about how incredible she was).

I am the same way as you in terms of being a "relationship mentality" guy. That doesnt have to change. In fact, I think it puts you in a better position to rationally look at girls around you. Standards are typically less stringent for a one night stand than a girlfriend. So take the mentality that "you are the prize" and that any girls you date have to prove to you that they meet your gf criteria. It helps you to not rush into anything either. Just enjoy going on dates and seeing what is out there.

But again, first and foremost, have some fun and do some things for yourself for a couple weeks. Don't worry about girls, they will come. Its weird, the less you think about girls the more they think about you.