Gentlemen, I have concluded that women desire THREE men. One is the man for her heart, another is the man for her words, and the third is the man in her arms! Likewise, the cryptic code of ********, whose very utterance causes men to pace nervously and shakes the foundations of language, divides into three splinters: The first splinter are words she SAYS she has, the second are words she THINKS she has, and the third are words for why she ACTUALLY does it. Therefore, we must look at ******** in these three ways. BOLD will be what the woman is saying. REGULAR TEXT will be what the Translator is saying. ITALICS will be what Da Pooky is saying. Do you have a girlfriend? You are CUTE! Are you on the market? You are certainly attentive tonight! Is sex ALL you think about? Do you love me? Watch me ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? I did something you are NOT going to like. We need to communicate better. You need to agree with me more. Smile, nod head, repeat. I don’t want to ruin our friendship! Let me continue to tell you about all the guys I’m sleeping with. WOMEN are the reason why Nice Guys can’t get laid. I want HONESTY. No games! Tell me what I want to hear. I would rather focus on my career. Focusing on something as boring and dull as her career is MORE FULFILLING than you’ll ever be. Do what you want. You’ll pay for it later. I don’t remember how much it costs. I’ll never tell you it cost a fortune. Let’s paint the room! You paint the room, I’m going shopping. Oh, and don’t make a mess. Uh huh Oh, did you say something? Whatever it was, it must not have been important. No, take out is fine for dinner. You cheap bastard! I want a stable future. I need to marry a sugar daddy! You wouldn’t understand. I don’t even understand, but I’m not going to tell you that. Hell, we ALL don’t understand. My screen name is JennySmalt I have nothing to hide. There is nothing exciting about me. My screen name is DoItToMeNow6969696969 If you need this explained, you aren’t a guy. OK Mr. AFC. Since you cannot get this (and thus have no chance of becoming a guy), girlproblems.com is your home. So why did you and your ex break up? What is wrong with you? Because I was Mr. NiceGuy who skipped around in fantasy land and… No, don’t tell her. Say “I dunno!” This guy was STARING at me today. He then came over and asked me out… She wants YOU to ask her out RIGHT NOW! It seems she is talking about other guys, but she is actually trying to convey that she is beautiful and desirable. She wants you to see that because she wants you to ask her out NOW. What do you think of [insert girl’s name]? What do you think about that girl [insert another girl’s name? Do I have competition? I don’t want a boyfriend now. I don’t want YOU as my boyfriend. EVERY woman is on a lookout for a man. It’s a life purpose. I don’t know. What do YOU want to do? I can’t BELIEVE you have nothing planned. No, you are absolutely dead in the water. Congratulations, flotsam! I’m picky! There are no dating prospects here! I’m VERY picky! I’m a religious virgin girl, still under the umbrella of her parents, and demand perfection. Can we say ‘unrealistic expectations’? Maybe [insert old woman] thought you were hot! You are what is hot. Women are not direct. They project their thoughts through a prop. In this case, the old lady is the prop. Come here! My puppy dog does this too! And her attention scraps are “Nice Guy Chow”. This apartment is SO inconvenient! I want a new apartment. And I want a new girlfriend! I want new furniture. I want new furniture, carpeting, curtains, wallpaper… I heard a noise! I noticed you were asleep. Be careful she doesn’t take your covers when she gets back! I’ll be ready in a minute. Sit back, kick off the shoes, and find a good show. My ex… I’m still in love with my ex-boyfriend. NEXT! I like you, but… I don’t like you. It is a ‘Girl’s Night’ tonight! We’re going to get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends. And how does this differ from any other night of the week? It’s OK It’s NOT OK. YOU’RE not OK. I need space. …without YOU in it. I AM NOT YELLING! This is important. When is it NOT important? Nothing is wrong. Everything is wrong. YOU are what’s wrong. I DON’T want to talk about it! I’m still building evidence against you! The volcano is building, ready to erupt with rhetorical smoke and vomit lava-like lies. Flee! I’m an artist! I’m unreliable! And I’m poor. I’m affectionate! I’m possessive! And you’ll always be seen as cheating! I’m an adventurer. I’ve had more lovers than you can imagine. And you get the baggage of her past! I’m seeking friends first. I’m trying to live down my reputation as a slut. See the ‘adventurer’ translation I’m mature. I won’t let you treat me like a farm animal in bed like my last boyfriend. MOO! I’m open-minded and outgoing. I am desperate and loud. She’s a NICE GIRL. Hah! Are you GAY? Why won’t you go out with me or anyone? The highest compliment a man can receive. All women are interested in you, and YOU get to pick. Yet, translating ******** IS NOT ENOUGH. We must be able to speak it back. Speaking the ******** For this, BOLD will be what YOU say. Italics will be what is ACTUALLY said while regular text will be the narration. For example, if an UG is chasing you, say: I am not looking for a relationship right now. …which means… I am not looking for a relationship WITH YOU! She will get the hint and drop off her pursuit. If she is persists, I think of you as a sister! …meaning… I find sex with you as revolting as incest. Just change the phrasing and you can deliver the ******** straight back at them. But be warned, if you say: I am not looking for a girlfriend. …which means… I do not want YOU as my girlfriend. Women will realize that you are subtly rejecting them and they will all gang together and try to break you (provided you are attractive. You are doing the rest of the Don Juan stuff, right?). Men would just be sad and go on. But women understand their own language and accept that as a challenge. If you are a player, you do not say, “I am a player.” No, you say: I like to meet new people and explore the adventures of life. Translated into ********, this means… I like to date/sleep with many since it is part of the fun of life! See how it works? I think you should just embrace the pleasures that life has. You should embrace your passion with ME. One chick kept going after me, and I ignored her (haha). A dork came and talked to us and left. So I said, Maybe he thought you were hot! …which means… You are what is hot. Her exact reply: “Why thank you, Pook!” (This is not a joke. ******** is a real language and they do speak it. For fun, try speaking it back to them!) Ahh, another ******** lesson over. A job well done, Mr. Translator. You’re welcome, Pook. And remember that the best guide is your GUT!