Letting dreams die. A beta male's story.

[so damn BETA]

Letting dreams die.

As a happily married 40-year-old dad, I'm not interested in "becoming alpha" to attract women. I don't "flirt" with any women (not that I ever could) nor do I have any rapport with any women other than my wife...and I want to keep it that way. My concern is becoming "alpha" in other areas of my life.

Being a husband and a dad is my #1 priority, and I absolutely love it. I've thrown myself so headlong into being those things, and for a good while I figured that's all I was going to be for the rest of my life. I now wonder if it's ok to make room for other things, but I sometimes find myself wondering if other things I like are still acceptable for a man my age. Playing rock/metal guitar has been my biggest passion since I was a kid, and at this age I don't intend on pursuing music as a profession; but I still love to play and it's always been my dream to release my own music, not caring if I don't even sell 1 album. Over the past bunch of years I've been on and off with music, many times thinking I was done with it all; but the hunger has kept returning. I met my wife at age 34, and I was so smitten with her that just a few weeks later I sold most of my music gear and "quit" playing; that was strictly my choice, and I did that without anyone knowing until after the fact. My wife told me she was sad when I told her I had done that. She's always been very supportive and has always liked the fact that I'm a "musician."

I'm not interested in going out with my friends, I don't drink, smoke or do drugs. I have a job that does not pay well, but I still manage to meet my financial responsibilities. I know there comes a time to "grow up" and sometimes "dreams" must be hung out to dry; I've seen my once-musician friends do this. I'm a lifelong beta male, and I've come to accept this; but the prospect of leaving one of my "dreams" unrealized has me feeling more beta than ever before, hence my user name. I don't know what to do, and at times I don't know who I am anymore....

 

[Colossus]

Ouch.

Sounds like you abandoned your self for a wife and kids.

The thing is, you don't need "permission" to do the things you want to do. You don't need to ask anyone if it's ok, even your wife. It's still YOUR life. Yes, you have responsibilities to provide for your family, but that doesn't mean you abandon yourself. Why aren't you interested in going out with your friends? Why did you sell your music gear because of a woman? Why are you working a ho-hum job? Why are you so damn BORING?

Not trying to insult you, but what if your wife were to disappear tomorrow, Mr. Beta. What kind of man would you become...

 

[so damn BETA]

Why aren't you interested in going out with your friends?

They're still single w/no kids and I can't really relate to them anymore. Whenever I do hang out with one of them, which is rare, I'm eager to go home before long...not because I don't like him, but because we usually end up talking about stuff from back in the day; there's nothing new there to build on. I recently ran into a former bandmate from when I was in my early 20s, with whom I had a falling out back then (over pretty much nothing) when I was 22/23. We got to talking, and he asked me to hang out one day. I came to find that 17 years later, he's up to the SAME exact crap as he was back then (and he's 6-7 years older than me). No progression whatsoever, and he didn't quite seem to understand that I have changed a lot since then. The whole thing felt so played out and I just couldn't relate.

Why did you sell your music gear because of a woman?

We didn't get married until a little over 3 years after we met (engaged after almost two years together), but I just knew early on that I would marry her one day...so I began to think that it was time to "put away the childish toys" (music gear) and finally be an adult. No matter how many times I've tried to quit music, though, I've found that it's a passion I can't suppress.

Why are you working a ho-hum job?

I've never had a good-paying job (or a salaried one, for that matter; they've all been hourly wage jobs), and although I do have a college degree, it's a pretty useless one.

Why are you so damn BORING?

I don't see it as boring. I got older and settled down. I really do love being home. When I do go out, it's with my family...and that's what I prefer. Like I said, I can't relate to my single friends anymore, I feel I've outgrown them. I'm not up for making new friends either, even ones who are married...the married people I've been around seem a little too "normal," and musician types generally live in a state of suspended adolescence (especially those in the metal/hard rock scene). I feel like I don't fit in anywhere.

 

[London NATURAL]

1st step buy a guitar tomorrow.

 

[fredhib]

Careful, you are not the man your wife signed on for.

This.

And, excuse me, what the hell?
What's the trade-off here? What does it mean to pick up music again?
Practice twice a week?

"I don't know what to do, and at times I don't know who I am anymore...."
Are you reffering to something else besides music?

 

[Albatross953]

Married man sex primer. Find and read. Quick.

 

[synergy1]

this is the kind of dude who doesn't need his friends until his wife is out of the picture, than he suddenly becomes everyone friend.


News flash buddy. When people aren't good enough for you now, you won't be good enough to associate with them later. You abandoned yourself and who you are for the sake of someone else. You might as well have sold your soul.

 

[fredhib]

this is the kind of dude who doesn't need his friends until his wife is out of the picture, than he suddenly becomes everyone friend.


News flash buddy. When people aren't good enough for you now, you won't be good enough to associate with them later. You abandoned yourself and who you are for the sake of someone else. You might as well have sold your soul.

And this.


Find new friends, musicians or whatever. Not that hard.
Speak about or do new stuff with old friends. Not that hard.

 

[Big Nuts]

...

 

[Big Nuts]

Beta dude...the problem is, you just don't understand women.

When you do, it will be too late. Keep your sh!t paying job. The more you make, the more she will take.

I don't know you or your wife, but your beta-ness will open you up for a world of hurt.

The woman you married and had kids with, will not be the one you divorce.

Never, ever, EVER, EVER...let a woman run your show.

 

[Ballie57]

If I was there, I would kick your butt.

Playing rock/metal guitar has been my biggest passion since I was a kid, and at this age I don't intend on pursuing music as a profession; but I still love to play

That IS your passion - persue it. That's why (as the OPs) said you got your wife in the first place.

I sold most of my music gear and "quit" playing; that was strictly my choice, and I did that without anyone knowing until after the fact. My wife told me she was sad when I told her I had done that. She's always been very supportive and has always liked the fact that I'm a "musician."

Hey dude - you never ever sell your guitar's! My guitars Washburn HB35S with Gibson P95s single coils (J Lo) and natural coloured ash body American Strat (Pamela) are precious to me and they even have women names. I play bass now on a Cort bass guitar - also natural coloured ash body through a 71 Fender Bass Man amplifier. That is my hobby - I am not a pro muso at all, I just love to play and unwind after a hard days work.

One day my son will inherit my musical gear - and I will never sell them. you shouldn't have either.

 

[evan12]

OP: why you cant be a father and play guitar in the same time , instead of sitting on the couch at the night and watch TV , buy a guitar and play, it only become childish if you leave your job and sit in the basement playing guitar all the time.

 

[so damn BETA]

Beta dude...the problem is, you just don't understand women.

When you do, it will be too late. Keep your sh!t paying job. The more you make, the more she will take.

I don't know you or your wife, but your beta-ness will open you up for a world of hurt.

The woman you married and had kids with, will not be the one you divorce.

Never, ever, EVER, EVER...let a woman run your show.

You've misunderstood my original post. My issue isn't really about women/my wife, and it certainly isn't about her "running my show." This is about figuring out what a man is supposed to be at a particular point in his life. What's acceptable by a certain age and what isn't? Are some dreams (even one that's not even big) better left behind if not realized by a certain age? These are issues that can arise with or without a woman in the picture.

 

[Warrior74]

Acceptable to who? As long as you are acceptable yo yourself then you're good. Who are you trying to appeal to?

 

[zekko]

If you sold your guitar just because you met a girl, I have to question that you ever really had that much passion for it to begin with.

However, to answer your question: I doubt that you are going to become the next Kurt Cobain at age 40. However, with the technology available today, plenty of people record songs and albums in their basement. You could do that or find a local band to play with if that's what you want to do.

Some of the posters have raised some good points here, although to be honest this probably isn't the best place to get marriage advice.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Quote:
"I met my wife at age 34, and I was so smitten with her that just a few weeks later I sold most of my music gear and "quit" playing; that was strictly my choice, and I did that without anyone knowing until after the fact. My wife told me she was sad when I told her I had done that."

Replace the red word with, "disappointed in me", because that's what she really meant.

Like PPRF said above, your wife is well aware that you're not the guy she signed on for. You may be in a more dangerous situation than you can imagine.

This is PRECISELY the dynamic that is set up prior to a man getting blindsided and stunned when she suddenly announces she's leaving.

If you say you're beta, brother, believe me, she knows it too, and she's thinking about it.

 

[AAAgent]

I'm a lifelong beta male, and I've come to accept this; but the prospect of leaving one of my "dreams" unrealized has me feeling more beta than ever before, hence my user name. I don't know what to do, and at times I don't know who I am anymore....

To stay on topic.....

Seems like you lack persistence and perseverance. Every man has ambition but not every man has the drive and persistence to fuel that ambition or dream and attempt to make it a reality. A lot of people let fear of achieving there dream and the fear of hard work cloud their judgement. When you let these obstacles cloud your judgement you become confused and when you're confused, you can't plan. When you can't plan on how to achieve your dream, then you don't know where you start. Sometimes people make the mistake of blindly doing random things just to do something, but that is just a waste of time. In the end, all this fear and confusion stops you from getting any closer to your dream and you feel hopeless and give up.

Two things that i've developed that have helped me is that i face my fears and that I hate giving up. I've fought all my childhood bullies and was never bothered and i would play the same game on the same level for days, weeks, months until i finally beat it. If you can start to develop these traits, they'll work wonders for you. If i didn't achieve something or lost in a race, it wasn't because I gave up, it was because i wasn't good enough and that only means i have to work harder.


First things first, face reality. Your a dad and you have responsibilities. You'll always need to provide. Understand that you have burdens to carry and instead of starting at the starting line with all the other contestants in your track clothes, you'll have to start at the line carrying a huge duffle bag in your sweats. That doesn't mean you can't make it to the finish line but it means it'll take you a bit longer. Once you learn to accept this you'll know that you'll need a better job that can make more money, you'll have to develop more skills (ideally the skills you need that can position you to achieve your goal), then you'll need to potentially take risks and hopefully the extra money you've earned from better jobs will be able to cushion the risks you take.

Last thing you need to know about reaching for goals is time. sh!t does not happen overnight. sh!t NEVER happens overnight. you may not reach your goal in 5 years time or 10 years time, but that's what a dream is. THey're very hard to reach otherwise every person would be fulfilling their dreams. If you've never read "The Alchemist" you should go grab yourself a copy. Very inspirational book about a boy chasing his dreams and there's a very important quote in the book.

Not exactly sure how the quote goes but it's something along the lines of this.

When your chasing your dream, life will throw obstacles at you to test you. If you persevere through the obstacles, then life has deemed you worthy of your dreams and vice versa.


I've hand a handful of people ask me for advice and i tell them this. They get all frustrated and annoyed and obviously don't take me seriously. Years and months later, their in the exact same position as they were before, maybe even a little bit further but no real serious progress has been made. Most people don't have the balls to work towards a goal but if you do and can stay sane through all the blood and sweat, there's a very rewarding goal at the finish line and wonderful experiences.

 

[HalfAddict]

Beta 4 lyfe may I suggest you look into "The Way of the Superior Man" by David Deida.

Regardless of what people may or may not feel about this book Deida addresses men who make their family and relationship their number one priority in life pretty accurately.

Women's purpose in life is to be emotionally driven, their purpose is relationship and family, not yours. It sounds like you have given up your dreams for a family and wife, making them your number one purpose. This is why she is dissapointed in you. Not to say your family is not important and when the **** hits the fan they need to be numero uno, but when it's not an emergency you need to have your own life dude.

If you miss playing, if you enjoy it, if you feel you have lost something, pick up a guitar, or whatever instrument you play and get back on the horse. She needs to see that part of you, it's part of what attracted her to you. If you do not do this I imagine you can expect some turbulence in the future because of this.

 

[so damn BETA]

If you sold your guitar just because you met a girl, I have to question that you ever really had that much passion for it to begin with.

However, to answer your question: I doubt that you are going to become the next Kurt Cobain at age 40. However, with the technology available today, plenty of people record songs and albums in their basement. You could do that or find a local band to play with if that's what you want to do.

Some of the posters have raised some good points here, although to be honest this probably isn't the best place to get marriage advice.

Playing guitar was my life from age 14 until around 23, when 9-to-5 life began wearing me down. It was then that the on/off relationship with it began; my meeting my wife just made me want to push my relationship with playing music over the cliff...at that time, anyway. No matter how many times I'd be convinced that I had quit, the desire kept returning. After that many times, I figured it was still more of a passion of mine than I still may have cared to admit.

As I said before, I'm not looking to make a career out of it nor do I even care if I sell a single album. It's about starting and finishing something and being able to tell myself "I did this." I'm all too familiar with what is possible today as far as recording goes, but the "how" was never my issue; it's the "should."

As for marriage advice...I don't know why I'd get even a semblance of any in response to my original post, for that is not what I was looking for.

 

[Colossus]

AAAgent had a great post. It's deceptively simple too...most people don't achieve dreams because they are HARD, and it take too much time for their liking. Hence the massive debt levels that are acceptable in America today, and a lot of 30-40 somethings who have "decent" lives, but not lives that are really compelling and fulfilling to them.

I'll use my graduate work as an analogy. I worked really hard (aka LONG) just to GET IN to grad school. I grinded away, day after day, year after year, taking classes I didn't wanna take, doing internships I didn't wanna do, and filling out countless applications along with thousands of dollars in fees. When I finally got to the interview process, I got ONE interview, was wait listed, and didn't get in. Boom, another full year setback. So more working at a dead-end research job to bolster my resume, more applications, more writing. The next year I really got my ducks in order early and got a half dozen interviews right off the bat. I ended up getting in to a top tier program, not because I had a stellar GPA or amazing test scores, but because I did things for years that other people weren't willing to do. I volunteered, did silly internships, took the MCATs twice, humbled myself in front of big time physicians, all just to get my foot in the door. At times it was super depressing. My friends did 'easier' grad programs and were getting jobs, engaged, houses, etc....and here I was grinding away at a $15/hr job at 27 years old.

But now, fast forward 3.5 years, after getting though 2 solid years of SUCKAGE in grad school, almost not making it, having a terrible first job....I'm doing pretty well. I'm finally starting to realize the dreams and goals I had envisioned for myself 7 or 8 years ago. I make a good living, I work an awesome schedule and I'm never on call. In my free time I lift weights, hike, backpack, snowshoe, climb, and smoke herb at my leisure. I have a sweet girlfriend in part because of Game and my own personal development. I am living in the region I want to live in, and I pick up new "micro-hobbies" all the time.

Granted, there is still a LOT I want to do, but all of this has taught me why more people aren't happy or perceive themselves as successful: Because they aren't willing to endure temporary hardships and discomfort for long term gain. It's also taught me that goals are relative, and they should only matter to YOU. There were people in my class 7 years younger than me who had been academic standouts their whole life and made all the right steps and had all the family and financial support they needed. Yeah, school was hard for them too, but for me realizing a big goal was so much sweeter because I started from scratch, started late, and was completely self-made.

So anyways, not tooting my own horn here----there are people way more educated than me making way more money than me, but the point is I did what I set out to do by grinding through the low-grade misery and discomfort and not quitting. It sucked balls, but I have the type of lifestyle I want now, and essentially have locked myself into a high-paying profession for life, provided I maintain my credentials and don't job-hop.

So Mr. Beta, grab your nuts and start doing things you may not want to do so you can reap the dividends in the future.

And, as a side note, you may not have been implicitly looking for marriage advice, but I'm not sure you understand the implications of being a beta inside of a marriage. Just food for thought.