Learned not to go out in mass groups when first dating someone

[Scought]

Damn, it has really been a long time since I posted here.

I wanted to pass on some info that I learned as of late.

Maybe this is already well-known info.....

Just recently started getting to know this girl.

We had gone out a few times and she called and told me that Saturday she was going out with a friend and wanted me to come along.

Despite my gut-feeling, I said yes. She drives us out to a club--and I already know this is going to be interesting.

It's generally a bad idea to meet up with a bunch of people you don't know when you haven't established enough rapport with someone. You can't really suggest leaving, you can't really do ANYTHING, because you just met and are trying to be a good sport about it all.

I'll spare the details.

Basically, you have guys you have to compete with. You can't really talk. All her girl friends are sizing you up. Other guy friends come along and you have no idea the history or dynamics of any of the relationships. You try and get in the conversations and it's just awkward.

Alcohol and hormones are involved. Everyone is drinking, so you have to deal with all that stuff. Personally, I drink but can handle it. But, you have the other drunk people to deal with.

It's not a great way to get to know someone even better.

Either you are too passive, or you are too smothering. It's really a no-win situation. You can have fun, but being judged by all her friends in that environment is not good. Things can only get confusing and misinterpreted.

It's better to have more history before you go out with a large group. You have to be at the point where you can tell your girl, hey, this sucks, lets get out of here. And she will agree with you. You can't pull that out when you are just getting to know her.

From now on when a woman asks me to go out with a large group and I don't know her so well, I am going to say I am busy.

Just a heads-up and an affirmation that it really isn't a good idea to do this.

 

[naes]

Yeah I've noticed that too; although in some cases groups can work to your advantage if you know all the people in the group. If it is a group of your friends and you are able to show leadership in that situation, its golden. But in this case you're right, it does suck when it's all her friends.

 

[Trojan]

No I think this is just you guys not being at that level yet. One thing I'd do is build the rapport with the group, then try to isolate her and get to know her 1-on-1 as much as possible & try to escalate things. What if you two don't click, then there are other girls there you can mack on but chances are she could be into you since she was the one that invited you to be with her & meet of all her friends and invite you into her life.

That is not a negative situation as you portrayed. Maybe you should bring a friend along with you next time so atleast you know someone there at 1st or go on single dates as you stated before. But I think your analysing too much and probably costs you some azz that you already put the work into.

 

[insanity]

it's almost like meeting a girls family for the first time. it just flat out sucks. you get sized up. you get asked stupid questions, etc. i know how you feel though. i have gone out with women and their big group of friends and it never turned out that great. if you don't say much to her friends, then your boring or stuck up.

you've met a girl who can't make decsions for herself. she wants her friends to evalute your performance for a green or red light. if she still likes you and wants to get together then you call the shots. where and when to meet. just you and her.

 

[Scorched]

I've been in a similar situation, it was about 4 years ago. Get this... I was dating a spanish girl and I was around all her friends... yeah... Me no hablo espanol.

I think most of it is feeling uncomfortable and slightly out of control.

 

[Cremasta]

No I think this is just you guys not being at that level yet. One thing I'd do is build the rapport with the group, then try to isolate her and get to know her 1-on-1 as much as possible & try to escalate things.

If this works for you then great. I'd rather do the 1-on-1 first, get her all impressed with you and when she goes away she'll tell her group how great you are. It'll save you a lot of effort because the first time you meet her friends they'll already think you're a great guy.

 

[sexxyback]

This is a difficult situation, but it is also a golden opportunity. You just have to focus on the friends, not the girl. Win the friends over and you win the girl over.

 

[Scought]

No I think this is just you guys not being at that level yet. One thing I'd do is build the rapport with the group,

That is not a negative situation as you portrayed. But I think your analysing too much and probably costs you some azz that you already put the work into.

Quite the opposite.

I am not saying it's wrong all the time. It's just a difficult situation with WAY TOO MANY dynamics for one to control. It really isn't the best idea to do this when FIRST getting to know someone. Maybe after a 5-6-7 dates, or you have already slept together.

Sure, things CAN work great. But the percentages are not in your favor.
If one dude who is a 'friend' doesn't like you--or is jealous, it's over. He will plant a seed in everyone elses mind about what he thinks of you.

Sure, you say, f him--but it doesn't work like that.

Meet other girls? Dude, I was there with one person who drove. I do have some principle--and I wanted a for sure ride home.

Look, all I was arguing is that it isn't the best situation. Yes, some good things can come from it, but it is a risky proposition.

I was still trying to figure out how I felt about her/getting to know her, and she was doing the same with me. I wasn't really in a position to have any authority.
Basically, probably not the best idea to do it until you have some more deeper connection. Otherwise, it truly is an uphill battle.

Keep it one-on-one until you can figure things out a bit more. Nothing more, nothing less.

Too many dynamics: Maybe she likes you but doesn't want guy friends to see it, maybe she doesn't like you at all, maybe some ex-flame came with the group and you have no idea, maybe the girl friends say you remind them of someone bad.

What one guy said was right. Sometimes the decision to like you comes from her friends, and not from her. This happens when you haven't had enough time for her to figure out what kind of person you are.

Bottom line: Avoid this situation. If you think this is truly a "great way" to get to better know someone.....all the luck to you--you'll need it.

 

[Latinoman]

If you are the prize...then why worry about what her friends have to say?
Why worry about how she is judging you? Instead..this is an opportunity for YOU to qualify HER. And determine if she is worthy of your time. A judgement based on how she acts in public, on the type of people she hangs out with, and on how much she drinks/smoke, and how much attention she seeks from other men.

All said...I agree 100% that when you truly are trying to get to know a person (and for that matter, trying to get laid)...the best way is by doing that alone.

Another thing...you put yourself at her "mercy". You went with her. You allowed her to have control of the environment. But that's beside the point. The important thing is the 1st paragraph of my post.

 

[Distant Light]

No I think this is just you guys not being at that level yet.

Exactly...

If you've been practicing on you're inner game and social skills you shouldn't have this problem.

Why?

Because you've been opening strangers for so long that meeting up with a group of strangers should be nothing new. The only thing that isn't too good about meeting up with girl's when they invite you, is because you're being brought into her reality. Nontheless it shouldn't be a problem, because you already have the social skills to vibe with the group whether you know them or not.

 

[Raikojo17]

still, to much work and not the best idea for a first date. just go alone with her. afterall, ur dating and getting to kno her, not her girlfriends or her jealous guy friends

 

[dynamicallyidle]

Don't go out in a group until you and her have had a good number of dates alone.