kickstarting your social life back into gear

[speakeasy]

This is a topic I think is more relevant to those around the 30+ age group. I think part of having the DJ mindset includes having a robust social life. Not that it's technically necessary to have such to approach women, but put it this way, I've never known a DJ that hasn't had a healthy social life. Now I don't want to get into the chicken-egg question of whether his DJ personality created his robust social life or whether his social life made him the DJ, it's not my point.

I find that at age 31, it becomes harder to make friends. It's not that I don't meet new people, but it seems at this age, it's hard to get past the casual acquaintance stage and forge any true friendships. These people tend to be around when they need you for something and as soon as they don't, they'll never be heard from again. I have true friends, but all of them without exception are people I met a very long time ago, and even some of them I am starting to feel not a close to anymore as everyone becomes more focused on their careers, relationships and such. It's not so hard at a younger age, but becomes increasingly harder with age.

All this has got me thinking heavily about what makes people true friends, why do some people progress to the level of true loyal friends, and why do some become nothing more than occasional activity partners that eventually disappear from the scene completely? What happens between two people that takes them from acquaintance to the level of true friend? All my true friends were at one time merely casual acquaintances I didn't care all that much about but somehow become very close friends over time. These are people I kept in touch with even when I moved to the other side of the country. I try to figure out what circumstances led to the formation of a true friendship that withstands the test of time and distance. It's all still a mystery to me. I feel like if I can figure out what caused such deep friendships, it may be possible to use that knowledge to help form more friendships in the future.

So why all this rambling? I am on the beginning of my quest to become a DJ. The more friends and the more active your social life is, the more interesting you become to women. When you don't have to sit there on Thursday night and wonder what the hell you're going to do the next night or Saturday night. Don't get me wrong, I do get to go out, but I'd say the majority of my weekend nights are spend at home alone. That has to change, but where to get started on rebuilding my social life to where I want it to be, I am not sure.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...I find that at age 31, it becomes harder to make friends. It's not that I don't meet new people, but it seems at this age, it's hard to get past the casual acquaintance stage and forge any true friendships. These people tend to be around when they need you for something and as soon as they don't, they'll never be heard from again. I have true friends, but all of them without exception are people I met a very long time ago, and even some of them I am starting to feel not a close to anymore as everyone becomes more focused on their careers, relationships and such. It's not so hard at a younger age, but becomes increasingly harder with age.....

I say change the venue from wherever you are meeting these losers. It's not hard to meet up with people of substance over 30, more times than not they are the ones who are more mature and reliable than the 20-somethings. At the younger age flash seems to be the most important thing to retain new friendships. Once you get into your 30's substance plays a more important part (at least for people who get what life's all about).

 

[Phyzzle]

I try to figure out what circumstances led to the formation of a true friendship that withstands the test of time and distance. It's all still a mystery to me.

Alcohol.

No, really, the openness of alcohol is why deep friendships are forged so quickly in college.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Alcohol.

No, really, the openness of alcohol is why deep friendships are forged so quickly in college.

That's part of the 'flash' that I was talking about. Whatever's a facade and isn't authentic. It's like the difference between a frozen dinner that is heated in a microwave as compared to a home cooked meal. One will do in a pinch while the other is more substantial and filling.

 

[speakeasy]

My good friend I didn't meet when I was drunk.

 

[GtarPlayr73]

I think part of having the DJ mindset includes having a robust social life. Not that it's technically necessary to have such to approach women, but put it this way, I've never known a DJ that hasn't had a healthy social life.

I just wanted to caution against the notion that being a DJ means having tons of friends and a "robust" social life. Not everyone is the type to have or even want many friends. It's a matter of temperment. Some people are extroverts and some people are introverts and whichever one of these you are makes all the difference in the world. I've said it before that America is an extroverted society. As such, it is naturally biased against the introvert. Americans tend to value a person based on his externals rather than his internals. (ie - car, house, job, trophy spouse, other material possessions AND number of friends). Thus, when it comes to dating, a man is judged by his external image versus the quality of his being and character. So some women will consider you worthy only if you have lots of friends. Don't get me wrong, more friends mean more contacts and, hence, more opportunities to meet women. I think that was what the OP was getting at in the above quote - contacts mean opportunities.

Extroverts are all about socializing and being with people most of the time while introverts prefer time alone or with a few close friends that share common interests or passions. I'm the latter. It's taken me a long time to accept this about myself as i tried to conform to American society's emphasis on the quantity of one's friends. But i enjoy time alone. I'm not better than your typical extrovert, but, rather, i just experience life differently. People drain me. People are usually not as interesting as the hobbies and topics that i'm into. I go to parties or functions and before long, i'm bored out of my mind. I'm always looking for the deep experience.

That being said, i do have much fewer opportunities to meet new women. I'm not about to drastically alter my lifestyle just to meet chicks. I would no longer be me and that would make me weaker and less attractive to women. I recently concluded that online dating would actually work for my type of disposition and so i joined Match.com over the weekend. I think introverts are more apt to use such a vehicle for meeting others and i know that i want an introverted woman, so e-dating seems appropriate for this aim. But in addressing the underlying fundamental factor of social temperment as it relates to "networking", the key for introverts is this: introverts extrovert themselves through their passions and interests and hobbies. I'm a guitar and bass player. I got tired of being an isolated musician and joined a networking website. Yesterday, i met up with a new contact and we had a great time jamming and getting to know each other. Just like that, i met someone who i share much more in common with than just music. We clicked right off the bat. He's "my type" of person and, therefore, might even lead to meeting "my type" of woman via his friends or family. The point is that, as an introvert, i got out *through one of my passions* and met someone new.

Extroverts don't need to go this route as socializing is literally part of their DNA. I often envied them and put myself down for being "different", but i wouldn't change myself for anything and realize now that i was just outside of the societal bias.

A final word about women and the "robust" socializer versus the mild socializer (introvert). Women are driven by mystery and if there is one thing introverts have in abundance, it's mystery. It's a natural strength that, if played right, will draw women in to great effect. Think of James Bond, a hero of mine since childhood. Not only is he an introvert, he's a loner. He had the quiet, controlled, confident sense of mystery and that combination has made him "cool" and iconic for decades. And, he's gotten, oh, a few women over the years...

As always, it's who you are on the inside that is the key to success...

 

[Mr.Positive]

Quality over quantity. I just wanted to caution against the notion that being a DJ means having tons of friends and a "robust" social life. Not everyone is the type to have or even want many friends. It's a matter of temperment. Some people are extroverts and some people are introverts and whichever one of these you are makes all the difference in the world. I've said it before that America is an extroverted society. As such, it is naturally biased against the introvert. Americans tend to value a person based on his externals rather than his internals. (ie - car, house, job, trophy spouse, other material possessions AND number of friends). Thus, when it comes to dating, a man is judged by his external image versus the quality of his being and character. So some women will consider you worthy only if you have lots of friends. Don't get me wrong, more friends mean more contacts and, hence, more opportunities to meet women. I think that was what the OP was getting at in the above quote - contacts mean opportunities.

Extroverts are all about socializing and being with people most of the time while introverts prefer time alone or with a few close friends that share common interests or passions. I'm the latter. It's taken me a long time to accept this about myself as i tried to conform to American society's emphasis on the quantity of one's friends. But i enjoy time alone. I'm not better than your typical extrovert, but, rather, i just experience life differently. People drain me. People are usually not as interesting as the hobbies and topics that i'm into. I go to parties or functions and before long, i'm bored out of my mind. I'm always looking for the deep experience.

That being said, i do have much fewer opportunities to meet new women and this has become a concern. What to do? I'm not about to drastically alter my lifestyle just to meet chicks. I would no longer be me and that would make me weaker and less attractive to women. I think online dating would actually work for my type of disposition and i joined Match.com over the weekend. I think introverts are more apt to use such a vehicle for meeting others and i know that i want an introverted woman, so e-dating seems appropriate for this aim.

As for expanding one's social network, the key for introverts is this: introverts extrovert themselves through their passions and interests and hobbies. I'm a guitar and bass player. I got tired of being an isolated musician and joined a networking website. Yesterday, i met up with a new contact and we had a great time jamming and getting to know each other. Just like that, i met someone who i share much more in common with than just music. We clicked right off the bat. He's "my type" of person and, therefore, might even lead to meeting "my type" of woman via his friends or family. The point is that, as an introvert, i got out *through one of my passions* and met someone new.

Extroverts don't need to go this route as socializing is literally part of their DNA. I often envied them and put myself down for being "different", but i wouldn't change myself for anything and realize now that i was just outside of the societal bias.

A final word about women and the "robust" socializer versus the mild socializer (introvert). Women are driven by mystery and if there is one thing introverts have in abundance, it's mystery. It's a natural strength that, if played right, will draw women in to great effect. Think of James Bond, a hero of mine since childhood. Not only is he an introvert, he's a loner. He had the quiet, controlled, confident sense of mystery and that combination has made him "cool" and iconic for decades. And, he's gotten, oh, a few women over the years...

As always, it's who you are on the inside that is the key to success...

Well said Gtarplayr!! Great post. The more you know your true self..as a person, the more you will enjoy life. You also end up seeing through a lot of BS, and not tolerate any sh!t people dish out.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I recently concluded that online dating would actually work for my type of disposition and so i joined Match.com over the weekend. I think introverts are more apt to use such a vehicle for meeting others and i know that i want an introverted woman, so e-dating seems appropriate for this aim.

As a fellow introvert, I have thought the same thing.

 

[synergy1]

I will agree with the original poster ; it is more difficult to jump-start a social life past college. It seems like many are attached, depressed they aren't attached, or just plain out busy with their lives. The guys who are single at 30 also seem rather pathetic, and wouldn't be guys I would ever consider hanging out with. ( at least where I work). I know I paint a pretty depressing picture, but I think the key is having a few friends aligned with your interests. At a similar stage as you , ive decided to join sports leagues and see how that goes. Most couples with children won't have time for sports, pathetic self pity wallowing individuals won't play, so this allows one to tap a demographic similar to ones self.

good luck, a lot of us are right there with ya.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

I will agree with the original poster ; it is more difficult to jump-start a social life past college. It seems like many are attached, depressed they aren't attached, or just plain out busy with their lives. The guys who are single at 30 also seem rather pathetic, and wouldn't be guys I would ever consider hanging out with. ( at least where I work). I know I paint a pretty depressing picture, but I think the key is having a few friends aligned with your interests. At a similar stage as you , ive decided to join sports leagues and see how that goes. Most couples with children won't have time for sports, pathetic self pity wallowing individuals won't play, so this allows one to tap a demographic similar to ones self.

good luck, a lot of us are right there with ya.

So basically fellas, have interests outside of school and/or work and you're bound to come across people with similar interest. Oh yeah, WoW doesn't give you the same experience.