It's been two years...

[Neptunes]

...since I visited these forums frequently. I didn't post a lot, but I've read the whole bible and really adored the 'Tips' forum. I enjoyed Pook's long posts and the Health forum that motivated me to put on muscle and get in shape.

But things really went wrong, and now I'm back to reflect and to make the right choices.

I'll try to make this short.

2004

In the year 2004 I was still doing great! I had been sarging around, messing with girls, had many friends besides my regular lil' group of friends and I felt happy and free. Then I was kicked out of the house by my mom... but that even made me fell better! I really was free now even if I didn't directly made the choice to live on my own.
With a little help of my relatives I moved into the city and started to become even more outgoing and adventurous. Chasing girls with my friends in many different places, and practising my hobbies and at the same time I working and studying was my life. I'd describe it as an ideal DJ situation.
But deep inside I was searching for something I didn't have for a long time; a steady long term relationship. So I found myself a beautiful girl at the end of the year, and started to calm down a bit. The new year's party at my place was GREAT. I still enjoyed life very much, but slowly things started to change.

2005

2005 would become the most horrifying year ever in my life. I moved into another appartment and thus changed roommates. I only had a small room there, but it was affordable for me as a student.
Around april I started to spend more and more time with my girlfriend; it was a beautiful time! We really cared about each other, and the cool me withered and I exposed myself entirely to her.
We went on vacation to Spain, visited Barcelona and friends nearby. Somehow I'd desbribe our relationship like we grew into each other... scary if I think of it now.

At that point, just after summer 2005, I faced depression. My studies were failed, my social life decreased drastically, I didn't have contact with my parents anymore, I suffered financial problems some months before (sometimes no money for food, so I asked friends / GF / relatives for help). And my privacy protecting attitude against my roommates, had me kicked out of the appartment too.

It was just a ****ty situation!

Feeling myself a total faillure, I contacted my parents and begged them to help me out. I moved in at my mom's house again (since november 2005).

2006

2006 isn't getting any better either! I had a boring new year; all my friends went partying and I decided to celebrate it with my family and GF. Our relationship thightened and I really felt comfortable being with her as much as possible. She even moved partially into my place.
Some of my friends didn't even call for weeks, some for months. But still, I didn't realise I was f*cking up my life and that I started to become very unhappy. The few times that I went out with my friends, I really became 'homesick' to the beautiful time in 2004 and begin 2005. My girlfriend would be upset, if I drank too much even though I enjoy the taste of freedom (and beer).

But this year wasn't all that bad; I picked up my studies for example (and I'm doing great) and my GF and I realise than we need more freedom and that our relationship is too thight. We're going on vacation, accompanied by a very good friend of ours next week, and I'm looking forward too it.

Right Now

But still. I began visiting this board again, because I simply feel unhappy with my situation. My GF is precious to me, but I'm not satisfied with my life at all. As soon as I'm with my friends and I touch a beer, I think about the past; the beautiful time. Still I don't like to think about giving up my relationship, 'cause she's just a great trustable caring girl... But many things were destoyed as I realise this day:

-No more adventurous me (no more DJing)
-Decreased social life
-I changed from extravert to introvert
-Not outgoing anymore
-I feel depressed often
-I'm bored often

So I've decided to change some things and break the cycle! But I'm not really sure yet what choice to make. I have some already:

* Finding an independent living space (own appartment)
* Try to re-establish friendship again
* Going out more often
* Do more things without my GF

Advise

After these changes in my life, and when I look back on the days I visited SoSuave, I'm quite curious if you people have had similar situations. And I'd like to get some advise from you, how to recover this life again. When did it go wrong? What to do now?

I feel f*cked up and it looks like I never get out. I'd have called this post *****fied if I read it 2 years ago, and hell it is too . That just shows I need some change!

Thanks.

 

[Docs]

Admitting a problem is half the battle.
Solving it takes two battles.

You know what changed, how come you have lost that touch in life, and that's a great start.

Set yourself a short list of goals to goals, sorted by the compounding factor (If I get a job, I can move out sometime..), or something like..

Get job.
Save x% every pay. Resist unnecessary spending (see about comfort downwards)
Get better job.
Move.
Settle down, make yourself comfortable. (for me, a laptop is home anywhere, that's all I need)
Pick up interest in something (I play pool)
Spend time with girlfriend, find new friends, take the 'everything is good' attitude.
Expand....

 

[Neptunes]

Thanks Docs!

Goal setting is a great plan that I really should do. I get a study payment every month already, and finding a job will give me some extra cash for it. Move out is very important for me.

I just read the 'pook's Mill' weblog! Great stuff... and I realised that I might be suffering feminism. So I just decided go out tonight and party with friends... .

 

[Docs]

Good! Keep us posted.

 

[three12]

Neptunes, from my experience - don't let the registry date fool ya, your relationship is in trouble.

Cheating on your girlfriend - could save it - assuming you can live with any guilt you may have, and that you don't get caught.

Breaking up with your girlfriend - I think, is the best idea - although even just stepping back would be fine - If she can handle it.

Unfortunantly, she can't handle it. No girl can. Because in reality, stepping back means "I'm not happy." and "I'm not happy." means "I shouldn't be with you."

You want the best of both worlds. Unfortunantly, I don't think anyone really knows how to handle it.

It definently needs to be set at the beginning of the relationship - Its where ALL aspiring DJs fail.

They get good at the game. They begin seeing many girls. They find a great girl. They dive in head first.

Unfortunantly, diving into a relationship is totally opposite diving into the ocean. Relationships should be waded into.

Start with your toes. Move to your ankles. Continue to your knees. When your balls are almost touching the water, STOP, there will be discomfort. Once the relationship has your balls, its easy to continue getting deeper and deeper into it.

Since you dived into the relationship, you're wet, theres sand and salt in your eyes, you're cold, but now you want to stand in the shallows. Its uncomfortable for everyone involved.

three12.

 

[Neptunes]

Yo thanks man, that was great advise!

I went out last sunday, and I feel great. She didn't mind either because giving each other freedom and loosen things up is something we've been discussing before.

Right now I realise there are many paths to follow... And the metaphor about diving in the sea really fits me.

Breaking up is a simple and effective way, but I don't feel like give up my relationship. Not because I'm afraid of her reaction, but because I see many great potential still. Just like investing in my study, social life, hobbies... it still can be a very good aspect of my life. That's what being a DJ is all about, isn't it?

Admitting that it's a story with a very negative side I posted, I could say I learned very much about women. And thát knowledge comes from two sides, being a member of the sosuave community .

Still there's a lot of change needed. I'll work on it and go for the second option and step back. I could say I'm happy in a relationship, but our romance has become unhealthy. So I'll be strumbling back to the shallows and make this relationship healthy again.

About the question if 'she can't handle it'? I'm a great guy, building a great future. The girl can choose.

Thanks guys!