1. Tip: You can change the look of the forum by going to the bottom of the page and clicking on Default.
    Dismiss Notice

How to get over your shynes. Concrete tips, no vague ideas

Discussion in 'Don Juan Tips' started by extravaganza, Dec 12, 2001.

  1. extravaganza

    extravaganza Don Juan

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2001
    Messages:
    147
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    The Netherlands
    I will try to give the shy people here some concrete tips for getting over your shyness instead of vague ideas. Also tips like: just do it! wont be here.

    Just doing it is NOT a good tip for shy people because they wont. Shyness is another word for insecure so if you realize that and except that fact your already on your way of curing your insecurity! why?? NOBODY wants to be insecure but on the other hand nobody minds being shy because other people are too. Well GUESS WHAT!!! shy is a word invented by the wussies who needed a nicer word for their chronic, mind-wrecking disease!!

    Ok. So now you know your insecure (like you didn't already deep in your heart hehe), What can we do about it,

    Just walk up to beautiful women and talk to them??

    Well if you can do this than why are you reading this?? YOUR NOT INSECURE!!
    on the other hand if your a bit insecure you WONT do this. Why?? Because it scares the SH*T out of you.
    So now we know that just doing it wont work, what WILL work??

    Hmmmm. that's what ill try to explain in this post.

    Why would you listen to this complete stranger??

    A good question indeed. Let me tell you a little about me. I was insecure. VERY insecure. and now im practically completely over this bad plague.

    So here come my tips.

    1 GET A LIFE!!
    Ok this IS a vague tip but I cannot tell you exactly what a life means for YOU!! some general things are:

    -STOP THINKING WOMEN ARE YOUR LIFE GOAL!!
    The greatest men on earth didn't have women on their mind. They had their mind on their greater goal which made them irresitable!! They had no time to obsess over some c*nt. They had to discover the north pole, climb the k2, conquer europe etc. A woman is INSIGNIFICANT compared to those things.

    -GET A PASSION!!
    Get something you like so much that your almost obsessed. You like painting?? Start painting like your life depends on it, Eat, sleep, breath painting!!
    Don't force yourself onto something you wont like. everyone has SOMETHING they are obsessed about, most people just haven't discovered what it is. How will you recognize what it is??
    When you discovered it you just know it.

    -START WORKING OUT!!
    Get your body in shape. You'll have more energy and you will appear much more lively to everyone you talk to or who just sees you.

    After these tings your life will seem much more important than ANYTHING else. YES! YOU are the next picasso, napoleon, neil armstrong or whoever is your inspiration!!

    2- Get a job
    Get a job in which you work with alott of people or in which you HAVE to talk to a lott of people. Start working in a big store for example. At start it's scary talking to all the people but after a while it becomes second nature.

    3-Talk to everone one you could easily talk to but just didn't.
    For example. Talk to that class mate who's always annoying, or that collegue who's only talking about chess all day. You KNOW you know some people you could easily talk to but just don't talk to because there's something you don't like about them. Well you can go back to hating them as soon as your over your insecurity, but since you are now, practice your socializing skills on those people because if you f*ck up talking with them you wont care!

    4- Go out!!
    This one is more aimed at the younger people (25-). Go out. Get offline and go out. Every friday and saturday go out!! go to the club with some friends and have a good time. Dance. Socializing at a club is easy because everybody is there because they want to socialize. Talk to people you vaguely know from something (hey wasn't I in the same school with you blablabla). Ok now don't stop going out until you are comfortable going out ALONE!! (or until you run out of money [​IMG]). When you are comfortable going out alone you probably have alott of vague aquantances which leads to point

    5- Act like your the host
    A host talks to everyone he knows even if only vaguely. EVEN if they don't like someone very much, because it only means that you don't know that person good enough. When you have come to the point of being comfortable talking to vague aquantances, start talking to their friends. This way you will get to know your friends friends friends friend. Which means you will know ALOTT of people. and because you have to talk to them you will start becoming more and more comfortable talking to people you barely know which will eventually end up in you talking to complete strangers.

    These are just the basic things I did to become the current me. If I tell people that deep in my heart im a shy little F*CK, they laugh their @ss off because they don't believe me. HELL I don't even believe me when I say it [​IMG] If you have some more concrete tips post them. you owe it to that small insecure little B!TCH you were [​IMG]

    ------------------
    Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. - groucho marx

    [This message has been edited by extravaganza (edited 12-12-2001).]
     
  2. Don the Legend

    Don the Legend Master Don Juan

    Joined:
    May 30, 2001
    Messages:
    1,415
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    st. louis
    Nice tip!

    No B/S vagueness in this post. This post gets right to the point with concrete ideas that will work.

    Keep up the great work.

    Take care,

    Legend

    ------------------
    "As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round."... Ben Hogan

    "The key to happiness in your life is "Your Life",... Don the Legend
     
  3. PortugueseMeatball

    PortugueseMeatball Senior Don Juan

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2001
    Messages:
    337
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Portugal
  4. Viking

    Viking Don Juan

    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2001
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Coon Rapids, MN, USA
    I like #5, Act like you're the host.

    Haven't heard that one before.

    Thanks.
     
  5. Duran Vancheskie

    Duran Vancheskie Don Juan

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2002
    Messages:
    71
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Charlotte, NC, Country
    damn man. good tips.


    ------------------
    "To be perfect, you must step on a thin line with equal balance"
     
  6. Pook

    Pook Master Don Juan

    Joined:
    Jul 22, 2000
    Messages:
    571
    Likes Received:
    78
    Location:
    Nirvana
    Age:
    Pook
    As a formerly EXTREMELY shy person, I can say that shyness is NOT a form of insecurity. In other avenues than person, shy people can be extroadinarily confidant.

    It is entirely possible to be confident but be introverted.

    It is also possible to be insecure but be extroverted.

    No, shyness is thinking that EVERYONE IS LOOKING AT YOU. It is a form of junior high school following you. If you get up from your seat, people will look at you. You speak up, people look at you. And so on. This means you will less likely speak, less likely get up, and since everytime you do you think you walk on a stage and everyone will notice you.

    What shy people need to realize is that you could walk in front of a bus, get *thwumped!*, and no one would really notice. No one is going to care what you do or who you are. You are not a celebrity. You do not have cameras pointing at you. You are not important. You are nothing.

    Shyness is also confused with hesitation. Hesitation is usually a result of unfulfilled desires. As Humans, we yield to less pain rather than more pain. Should I approach her? We yeild to what we think is the less pain, not approach. Hesitation is solved when we realize that Inaction is more painful and that rejection is better than regret.

    Your #2 of a job was one of the things that helped me. More interestingly, I worked with only women. Aside from getting used to women, I got to figure out what was going on in their minds. Everyday was a religious experience.

    Good post, but I don't think #4 will help the shy people. Usually shy people are pretty smart (since they are reading and such rather than socializing) and many will think the clubbing and dancing scene is stupid (which is fine, we all have different tastes). As long as you go out and do something you like rather than where you think 'the girls are' you'll do fine. I'd take a museum, opera, or art gallery over any club but that's just me (and TONS of chicks are there too). Not everyone is into the clubbing scene.

    On the DJ chat, I saw this problem come up numerous times. It wasn't that the guy was scared of rejection. He was scared of success!

    "Pook! What do you mean? Why be scared of success?"

    Because if she said yes, he didn't know WHERE TO GO. What should they do? He had no idea.

    This is why, before you can start to date women, you must be able to DATE YOURSELF! That's right, DATE YOURSELF. Try going out to these places by yourself or with your friends first. This will:

    -Make you more comfortable

    You already know the place, are comfortable with it, and know what to expect. This is important since when you are with a girl and new to it all, it is enough for the shy guy to be out with the girl let alone in a new and strange place. This will make your job a lot easier.

    -Makes you prepared.

    You can speak of the places or so where you want to go with confidence and ease. You know the route and the best way to drive there. You KNOW what the costs will be, what the environment will be, so you know how much money to take and what to wear.

    For the shy guys wishing they were girls, this is why you should be thankful you are the guy. You get to know BEFOREHAND where you want to go so you have all the time in the world to be prepared.

    -Makes you have fun.

    With you being comfortable and prepared, already your time will be more enjoyable. Since you have all those shy guy worries put away like what to wear, the cost, what the environment is, and so on, you get to focus ON HER and have fun with her.

    Good luck guys. Don't let ANYTHING steal your joy!

    ------------------
    Pook
    Anti-Dump, Big Don, ATNA, Adonis, Allen Thompson, and others- thanks a million.
     
  7. IntermediateDonJuaner

    IntermediateDonJuaner Master Don Juan

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2001
    Messages:
    933
    Likes Received:
    0
    Good response. I like what you have expressed here. Makes sense a lot to me.

    Tell me Pook, how long did it take you to turn out to be a successful DJ despite of all the setbacks and bumps on the road?
     
  8. 007

    007 Don Juan

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2002
    Messages:
    153
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canada, Alberta
    Good Post Man!
     
  9. extravaganza

    extravaganza Don Juan

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2001
    Messages:
    147
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    The Netherlands
    he pook. Could be that your smart and think that the clubbing scene is dumb but it IS!! I think I qualify for having the label smart (Studying economics at university now) but I think that going out is a good learning experience for shy people. OF COURSE you should do things you like. I ALSO like going to a museam and seing cultural stuff (Hell this summer I want to take a cultural tripp around europe so that means NO (or a little)going out)BUT my tip was about losing your shyness a little bit. and I think going to a museum alone wont help. Cause you'l end up walking around in the museam seing things but not talking to people. The thing about going out is that when your with a group they will probably know more people who they will introduce you to so you get more comfortable talking to strangers and thats the thing you want to get. You want to get comfortable talking to strangers and walking around in museams wont achieve that (I think). When going out the pressure to talk to strangers is a little bit higher but also lower. You will WANT to talk to stranghers because you see everyone doing it (wrong reason but its the way it is) but youll be more relaxt to dso so (cause everyone is generally happy when going out)

    Sorry if this is a vague post but I'm half drunk now [​IMG] just went out so but I hope you get my point as to why I put going out in my list of to-do's when trying to get a little less shy [​IMG]

    ------------------
    Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. - groucho marx
     
  10. CobraGT

    CobraGT Senior Don Juan

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2001
    Messages:
    357
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Lexington, Kentucky, USA
    Age:
    28
    Great tips extravaganza! Nice follow up to Pooks post also. Pook you also offered great advice. I miss your posts. I'd like to add to the point you mentioned about no one noticing you. Back in college I did either my first or second presentation in public speaking class and I got nervous once I got up there. My heart was beating super fast. I thought my voice was breaking up reflecting how I felt, but guess what...no one noticed. There I was in front of the whole class with stage fright symptoms, but no one else picked up on my fright. They didn't think anything of it. They didn't notice how nervous I felt inside.

    I understand your #4 extravaganza, but I think I know of an even better way. I can go to the clubs alone and leave alone just as easy. I don't even have to talk to anyone. Point is I can go there and blend in with the crowd without ever meeting a single person. I'm becoming a much better conversationalist day by day. I'm probably as good or better than most people I meet having read my share of self-help book on the topic. The only problem I find is that if there is no circumstance or event to connect myself to the other person, I'll never take the initiative to meet the other person. Clubs are a prime example, the only person I would feel comfortable talking to in the club would be the waitress provided the music was low enough. Elsewhere someone at the gym, a cashier, or anyone else who might be helping me out I do well with. And of course at work I talk to everyone there as part of my job, but unfortunately they are all dudes (highway construction). I haven't done it yet because work requires a lot of overtime...especially this summer, but I believe the best way to meet people is through organizations or clubs where you have common ground and will likely see the people you talk to again. I plan to get involved in something someday for this reason. Once you get involved in something you start to interact with people because of the shared experience and the fact you will see them again. Then you start to meet their friends like extravaganza mentioned. The only thing about this is it might not rid you of your shyness. It may still hang around. When you join a club the environment becomes familiar and you feel more secure. But what happens when you go to an enviroment where your don't feel secure...you just start all over.

    Pook, were you scared of success back in the day? I determined a long time ago that actually being successful was one of my unreasonable fears also. Kind of weird. Facing increasing amounts of success is probably the only cure.

    Has anyone got any specific advice for me? I have the chance of experiencing more success, but it just feels to easy because she's pretty friendly. I believe all I'd have to do is say a few magic words and success would be mine, but like I said it isn't a challenge. Check out this post it might offer more insight How do I loosen up when in the presence of attractive women?. Although it's certainly gross Clutch offered good advice here. Yet it's still hard.

    Thanks!

    CobraGT
     
  11. Rebel Leader

    Rebel Leader Senior Don Juan

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2002
    Messages:
    335
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    U.S.A.
    Having been a painfully shy person in the past, I can spot a good tip when I see it! Great suggestions, extravaganza, Pook, and CobraGT.

    I'll add something that works for me. It started out as a compensation and turned into a strategy.

    I used to go to parties in college and was always a wallflower. Then I decided to find something to do instead of stand around and feel dumb. So I'd help out. Like, help the host straighten things up, or run an errand to get supplies, or pick and play the music, carry around refreshments, pick up trash, wipe up spills, mix drinks, pump the keg, stoke the fire. Anything to be behind the scene and not out there mixing.

    Then, from the safety of being in "the service area", like behind the bar or on the other side of a tray, I could watch people and feel like I was invisible. (Who cares about the service people, anyway, right?) I saw lots of stuff happen and had the detachment to absorb and understand what I was seeing, because I wasn't so busy trying (and failing) to play the games. I got to interact with people on my terms, and didn't have to feel pressured into playing when I wasn't ready. Serving offered an automatic escape whenever I got overwhelmed.

    That's my most concrete and most successful tip for overcoming shyness: get behind the one-way mirror that hospitality service offers, and watch to your heart's content. Interaction comes at the pace you desire.

    ------------------
    Live ... Love ... Laugh
     
  12. Pook

    Pook Master Don Juan

    Joined:
    Jul 22, 2000
    Messages:
    571
    Likes Received:
    78
    Location:
    Nirvana
    Age:
    Pook
    extravaganza said, "he pook. Could be that your smart and think that the clubbing scene is dumb but it IS!!"

    I don't think it is dumb, but many shy people do. From what I've heard from shy people, on the chat, in real life, and so on is that they reply with, "Why should I do that? It is dumb!"

    "and I think going to a museum alone wont help. Cause you'l end up walking around in the museam seing things but not talking to people."

    There is this really shy guy I know who ENJOYS getting stood up by his ex-girlfriend. Why? Because it is better than staying home alone.

    Many of these guys are so struck that they do not even leave the house. I think the first goal should be to get them out of the house. I agree with what you said about museums and groups and all. But we need to push them outside of the house. They don't *have* to go clubbing. They can do whatever.

    Heinlen had a saying I liked, "If you find yourself on the 7th story of a burning building and you jump, your problem is solved. Now you just have to worry about landing." Talking about shy people landing on the ground is fine but we need to get them to jump out of the building in the first place. Getting shy people to talk and get in groups is a good goal, but I'd be satisfied if they can just get outside of their rooms. Nothing will happen if they don't go outside of their rooms. That's why I say pick ANYTHING of interest. If we just say clubbing then they will say, "Doesn't interest me!" and remain shut-ins.

    Cobra said,

    "Pook, were you scared of success back in the day? I determined a long time ago that actually being successful was one of my unreasonable fears also. Kind of weird."

    Yes. It sounds strange but when I thought of success I thought of an ANXIETY.

    You see, I very much did enjoy my time alone, my shut-in time. I saw success as BAD because it meant the end of such precious time. I wanted a girlfriend but I didn't want the social responsibilities that a girlfriend required. So I remained a shut-in.

    How'd I get out? When being social wasn't foreign and alien to me, when it was a natural part of my life. Then a girlfriend didn't seem like a strain.

    Intermediate DonJuaner said, "Tell me Pook, how long did it take you to turn out to be a successful DJ despite of all the setbacks and bumps on the road?"

    It is YOU guys that see me as some heroic DJ crusading through women. In MY eyes, I am not a 'success' and that is why I am successful. I'm literally in awe at the system Nature has set up for us. I learn new things everyday.

    There will be NO time when you thump your chest and go, "I am Don Juan!" You won't be successful with every woman (anyone honest will admit this).

    Think of a card game. The cards get re-shuffled and dealt out again. You merely get better at the game, more sure, and know what to expect. The next card you flip over may be a two or a five or a ten or a QUEEN! You take it as it comes at you, dealing with what you have the best you can. You learn in the process and can better get that ten when she shows up again. There isn't a pinnacle of success, a moment when one becomes 'Don Juan'. The game never stops. The only major difference is that the Don Juan becomes gamemaster and the other players react to him rather then him reacting to their actions. But you don't know what number is coming out of the deck next. It could be an 8. It could be a 10. It could even be a queen. Readiness is all.

    ------------------
    Pook
    As you think, you shall become.
    The greatest risk you can take in life is not to risk at all.
    What you do today echos a lifetime.
     
  13. sponge

    sponge Don Juan

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2001
    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    0
    once you think your "getting shy" in certain situations just say to yourself "damn I'm acting shy" and act different if you want to.

    You're probably shy because you are afraid what others will say if you say something. So you stay quiet. Just don't care about what others think. You can't change how one thinks about you so don't worry or act shy becuase of them

    later



    ------------------
    F*UCK wishing you're missing the AMBITION on your mission Outkast
     
  14. IntermediateDonJuaner

    IntermediateDonJuaner Master Don Juan

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2001
    Messages:
    933
    Likes Received:
    0
    Pook,

    I just get to recall something. If I am not mistaken, you did mention that shy guys are very self-conscious because they had a funny feeling that people are observing them all the time.

    Here's what you said :

    Well, take a look at this. If a sexy babe walks into a room, don't you think that all the people will turn and look at her? Well, maybe the babe will walk over and ask "What are you looking at, pervert?" ,but we can deny that we are not looking at her and claim that she is just a bit sensitive.

    We will try to twist the fact and convince her that we are not doing what she think we're doing. However, in our hearts, we know that we've been observing her the moment she walked through that door. So Pook, maybe you are a bit incorrect here because people are looking at us sometimes and we never know.

    Although sometimes people will just ignore those that look at them because they feel that they're just making them feel uncomfortable, they will find it difficult to overcome this insecurity problem.

    How do you handle this problem,Pook?
     
  15. CobraGT

    CobraGT Senior Don Juan

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2001
    Messages:
    357
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Lexington, Kentucky, USA
    Age:
    28
    People are looking at us all the time, but when they look at you they are most likely wondering what you think of them. People think of themselves FIRST. I imagine people thinking something like this...me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, you, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me...

    I suppose outgoing people have learned to focus a little less on themselves.

    CobraGT
     
  16. Qube

    Qube Don Juan

    Joined:
    Jan 22, 2002
    Messages:
    177
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CA, USA
    Bump
     
  17. Aiken_Drum

    Aiken_Drum Master Don Juan

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2001
    Messages:
    1,243
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Buenos Aires, Argentina.
    Age:
    26
    Sooo true! When you meet someone else, be it a woman or a man, they´ll feel at least reserved, which means they won´t totally be themselves.
    It all depends on how extroverted they are.
    So be friendly and the´ll treat you in the same way.
    Remember that the other persons are humans too. They are not perfect either.
    Just don´t use that as an excuse to remain in the shell.

    For example, a few days ago I got totally wasted with alcohol at a party in a college and I started asking to girls coming out of the bathroom "Do you come here often?". It was very funny and I noticed that every time I made eye contact and smiled, the girls laughed about it.
    When I talked without looking at them because of being at their sides/back, without they being able to look at me correctly, they got startled. Maybe the fact that I grabbed their shoulders had something to do with it [​IMG].

    The point of this story is that people get in the same mood you are in. That´s why you get happy with that guy that seems to be on MDMA the whole day or depressed with that suicide gothic.

    P.S.: great bump Qube [​IMG]!

    ------------------
    "In doing good, avoid notoriety; in doing evil, avoid self-awareness" Duncan Idaho, Mentat (Dune).

    "I can imagine a perfect world, a world without hate, a world without war. Then I can imagine us attacking that world
    because they'd never expect it." --Jack Handey's "Deep Thoughts"
     
  18. The Soulman

    The Soulman Don Juan

    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2002
    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    0
    I was a VERY shy person but in the past year I have improved immensly. This is all due to my work which has forced me to talk to lots of different people.

    I has always been confident, but only with people that I am aquanted (sp?) with. I quickly get confident as I talk to new people. The problem is talking to them in the first place.
     
  19. kave

    kave Don Juan

    Joined:
    May 15, 2004
    Messages:
    55
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    huntsville al
    Age:
    17
    I am still a shy guy but living in alabama and workin at a resturaunt im getting much better at talkin to strangers but i am still working on engaging, but thanx for the advice on how to get past that!
     

Share This Page