How do you get rid of a BPD woman?

[KontrollerX]

"The problem with all this is, we love these people and its so hard to release. If they were all bad the relationship wouldn't go very far in the first place despite excellent acting performances there are some very redeeming, and endearing, qualities they posses."

We don't love these people.

Its all fake, its all mirroring ourselves back at us that we love.

It feels so powerful because most of us who fell for the con suffered from severe low self esteem and depression during our lives and thus in a way hated ourselves and never gave ourselves credit and all the self love that we needed during our lives as we grew and matured.

In short Borderlines and Histrionics through mirroring our best qualities back at us covertly give us access to how great we really are and how much love we've cut off from ourselves by viewing ourselves as worthless throughout much of our lives.

The "love" with these people feels like I'd imagine a first time drug high feels except its not drugs its the first time we actually loved ourselves through their mirror. We got access to this love finally because we were tricked into thinking we were loving an entity apart from ourselves in these women and that brought our defenses down as we thought we were loving them and not ourselves through their mirroring but in reality other than their flesh and blood bodies they are literally nothing, they possess no true consistent personality of their own and so use us to feed off of and copy from in order to get some semblance of identity until its time to move onto the next guy.

In truth they have no redeeming qualities unless you count cheating, lying and wh0ring as redeeming qualities.

Well ok I just thought of one genuine good quality most of these women possess and it is that they tend to be highly attractive.

And thats pretty much it as far as their good qualities go.

The rest of the qualities you think that are good inside of them are actually your own good qualities or some other poor bastard who she's mimicking to you in order to create the con of personality.

The con that there is a real person inside of her.

 

[confused and frustra]

To be honest I have cheated on her recently,not slept with someone though, fooled around and I probably did it as I know deep down the turmoil the relationship is causing.

Also because she just refused to change her number and this stalker is calling her all the time - not saying thats why I did it, I just know I wouldn't of done it if we were stable - of course I wouldn't of.

In any case why wont she tell this guy where to go, or change her number. She wont put this to bed, why? Is it is because she knows the situation pushes my buttons and she wants to keep this control over me?

If she changes her number, which I will gladly do for her - no hassle and cost for her, the problem of him calling goes away. She know the arguments this is causing and the damage its doing to the relationship and yet she still wont put this problem to bed claiming she isnt assertive enough to tell him to f off!

Answer and excuse for everything. I mean if I tried to explain this to someone else they would think I have trust issues (i do now!) hence my own cheating, they just wouldn't get this. After an argument, a few months ago, he called and she took the call in front of me and stayed on the phone for 10 mins - I would hardly call that discouragement.

This guy rings her up from different numbers so she doesn't know its him calling, he doesn't use his own cell anymore...he's sneaky enough. She told me that he did this last week and that she had spoken to him. Apparently he was trying to ask her out for lunch...her reply was I dont think my partner would like that very much. Bear in mind she did sleep with this guy and used him before, I mean she led him on completely - I actually feel sorry for him a bit. Anway she tells me her whole conversation with him...she actually said at one point he was taking the piss out of you..ie me. Like saying is he loaded money wise...or does he have any money at all! My question is why is she even entertaining these conversations with him? I have got her to send him a text saying dont call me anymore I am with someone else and that was 2 months ago...but that aint sinking in and he is being disrespectful to her by ignoring her wishes why should she worry about hisfeelings? Unless of course I dont know all whats going on. Why doesn't she just hang up the phone when she hears his voice if she aint assertive enough to tell him where to go?

At the end of the day this should not arise in a harmonious relationship. The point being I shouldn't even have to ask her to do any of these things...she should of done them a long time ago off her own accord.

Is this mind wrecking stuff she is engaging in or what? Why refuse to do the simple thing, apparently for the person you love, to have all this chaos instead?

Would love your thoughts on this guys and thanks for the responses so far.

 

[Bible_Belt]

At the end of the day this should not arise in a harmonious relationship.


Correct. You will never have a "harmonious relationship" with a BPD girl.

They always do that, string out the exes. I used to refer to my bpd girl's "stable of losers." She will always have other guys wanting to be with her...because she is flirting with them just enough to give them hope. My bpd girl would complain about a guy "stalking" her. Then I'd see a message she sent him that same day, "Love ya babe! XOXOXOXO!!!" They want the attention and the drama of the not-quite-over relationships.

btw, don't feel guilty about cheating. She has probably cheated on you already, and she will again. One of the traits of bpd is feeling no attachment to LTR partners when they are not around.

I have come to fight fire with fire, and my bpd girl is the one hung up on me, not the other way around. I'd dump her, fvck other girls, not care at all that she was with other guys, talk to her just enough to keep her in contact with me. Then every once in a while, I'll send her a message about how she is really the one that I truly love...then I'll ignore her for a week or two, all the while never dumping my girlfriend for her. This is cruel, but it is how she treats men, and it is the only thing that works against her. Fight fire with fire, and treat her like she treats you.

 

[KontrollerX]

Bible Belt pretty much covered it but you should know something else for all your future relationships and that is...

You can never control the other person, you can only control your own behaviour.

If you remember this lesson in the future and apply it the minute any woman shows you bad disrespectful deal breaking behavior you show her to the door or you act to control yourself and you walk right out of her life.

And typically most women be they BPD's or normal women are so used to walking all over their legion of AFC orbiters that when they encounter a real man that will not tolerate their bullsh!t or kiss their ass and that man leaves them it is the women that then tend to turn AFC and come crying and begging and running back to you the person that stood up to them as a man and decided you weren't going to have disrespect in your life and that if any woman wants you she's going to treat you like the man of value that you are.

See when it comes to relationships you'll only ever get what you are willing to tolerate.

If you tolerate only the best for yourself that is what you will have, if on the other hand you tolerate abuse and disrespect just to be able to hang onto a particular girl either because you don't think you can get anyone else or because you think a particular girl is too hot to walk out on for bad behavior then bad behavior is all that you will get.

If you are to be a man that is respected and loved by women you have to demand respectful and loving women in your life or demand that bad women change their behavior for you or you are gone.

If the babe that is as hot as Nikki Nova (or whoever your dream girl of choice is) decides to get disrespectful with you, you must be willing to walk away from her immediately as this will change her behavior from bad to good if you meant anything to her at all and even if she doesn't come back you dodged a bullet and got a mean disrespectful woman out of your life who can only bring you low to stay with her no matter how hot she is.

 

[Knight's Cross]

Props to KX and BB.
There are normal women that may make a mistake, and will correct when you call them out, and then there are BPD's that will (fake) a correction to try and make you believe they are on the straightened path.
Good rule of thumb is the 3 strikes rule. In a relationship, if one person does something to hurt the other person, then you owe them a ,"hey that's over my boundary". If they repeatedly bust the bounds, after you showed them where the line was then they are NOT SUITABLE RELATIONSHIP MATERIAL.
Beware of the BPD that "appears" to have corrected. Secretly she will LOATH having to do this. She will for a time fly wings level. Down deep though the resentment will manifest soon enough. Once it does you will feel as if you have walked right on another landmine as she has carefully learned your weaknesses.
When I FINALLY put my foot down and went NO CONTACT with my BPD experience she sent all kinds of messages that she was in counseling, wanted to be "officially my girlfriend", loved me, didn't want to live without me, etc. They will go to no ends to pull you back in. Once you have enough BS and lies its easy. You will be immune to their Hail Mary attempts to get back in.
Confused, you need to insulate yourself from her. Lash yourself to the mast so to say. Get busy with friends, activities, etc. Until you can say no, you are a slave to this.

KC

 

[jophil28]

[b
In short Borderlines and Histrionics through mirroring our best qualities back at us covertly give us access to how great we really are and how much love we've cut off from ourselves by viewing ourselves as worthless throughout much of our lives.

KX, The concept of "mirroring" is difficult to grasp for the newbies..
Perhaps you might like to explain in practical detail how these women do this, and how they achieve the 'smoke and mirrors' con job.
The OP has no clue.

 

[jophil28]

If you tolerate only the best for yourself that is what you will have, if on the other hand you tolerate abuse and disrespect just to be able to hang onto a particular girl either because you don't think you can get anyone else or because you think a particular girl is too hot to walk out on for bad behavior then bad behavior is all that you will get.

That is the platinum plated truth, but is seems that we all need to live though one of these BPD disasters to realise that we ultimately get what we tolerate from ALL woman. The one advantge of falling "in love" with a BPD/ HPD nutjob is that your learning curve is VERY steep., These creatures will give you ten years learning in ten months.

 

[jophil28]

Unless of course I dont know all whats going on. Why doesn't she just hang up the phone when she hears his voice if she aint assertive enough to tell him where to go?

At the end of the day this should not arise in a harmonious relationship. The point being I shouldn't even have to ask her to do any of these things...she should of done them a long time ago off her own accord.

Is this mind wrecking stuff she is engaging in or what? Why refuse to do the simple thing, apparently for the person you love, to have all this chaos instead?

Would love your thoughts on this guys and thanks for the responses so far.

THis contact with the "other guy" is typical BPD/HPD behavior. I experienced exactly the same thing a few years ago with my BPD/HPD woman. They love their orbiters and will use them AGAINST you in a campaign of psychological terrorism. She is loving your distress.
Do not buy into the view from some men that this is "just what women do" - they do not. Your G/f is loving 'pulling the rug out from under you' and loves seeing you squirm and jump though hoops. Your pleadings with her to dump the other guy are even giving her a buzz, because she interprets these as proof of her POWER over you.

BPD/HPD women do not conduct relationships - they take hostages.

Go over the wall today man, or stay around at your peril...

 

[darkstarrr]

I would love to be able to talk with some of you guys as you have a wealth of knowledge on this and I am desperately seeking someone who can relate to my problems and apply some rational perspective and judgement.

BPD/HPD women do not conduct relationships -they take hostages.

In response to how women in general can be:

This is a hard motherfvckin' fact of life. Sometimes it happens, and sometimes it happens with a girl you really, really dig. Women have a very fluid nature...they are very transient in their passions and there is nothing you can do about this except to be an OAK in your world and not sway with every female change of direction. And that still doesnt mean you arent going to get hurt, or at the very least, run the risk of getting hurt, but the best you can do is protect your heart.

Women fall much easier and much quicker; but men fall MUCH harder and reel from rejection MUCH longer.

I was beginning to wonder when the next victim would appear.

You are the first new major case I have seen on here that links to mine from a few months ago like a puzzle piece that helps ME to piece back my reality and ongoing understanding of the world.

Picture what Colossus explained but with a woman with the traits, behaviors, history, and subsequent wiring [/COLOR] in her head as the one you have explained. You are playing with fire.

Most of you will have heard the phrase "it can always be worse". Well its true!!! If I were you right now I would try as best as I could to be thankful that it is not worse. What if some-fricking-how your situation disturbed your mind and emotions to the point where you had to take a leave of absence from work, like me? That's right my friend I hve been a vegetable for the past 2 months, and just like you I initially found this forum right before it all came to a head.

Listen to me very carefully when I tell you this and do not walk away from your computer after you sign off and forget it. Remember it later when you are starting your car or closing your door.

Right now you need to take MAJOR and definitive steps to:
1. seperate yourself emotionally and otherwise from the person
2. find other women to start hanging out with and dating immediately
3. get the h3ll out of dodge immediately

Now is NOT the time to get sentimental.

No matter what you think right now, if you do not get away and fast you are risking being in a world of hurt more than now and more than you could possibly imagine. Do not wait until it is too late to find out the hard way how much of all the little things in your life that you take for granted that could be jeapordized as a result of how vulnerable you are to this person.

Sure, in order to have intimacy you need to have opened up to a person which in turn results in you being vulnerable to their actions and words to a point. You're already beginning to show the signs of emotional instability as I was, and if you don't do something about it now you are in for one of life's rude awakenings.

I suggest also going on a medication called Lexapro immediately as an emergency security measure. Don't think just do what I tell you.

 

[confused and frustra]

Thanks guy for all the responses - which I have read and tried my best to absorb.

She has subsequently told me that in no uncertain terms she will spell it out loud and clear to this guy, so we shall see on that one. She was crying this morning again, hormones apparently, it really never stops.

 

[Bible_Belt]

It will always be a roller coaster. If this guys disappears, there will be others.

bpd girls, who tend to be attractive, slvtty, and good in bed, have a habit of hooking up with guys who would not normally score a woman as attractive as them, having a whirlwind romance that lasts about one weekend and makes the guy fall in eternal love with her....and then putting the guy on the shelf and keeping him there.. She'll give him a minimal amount of contact and encouragement, enough to torture his emotions and keep him wanting her back.

Borderlines structure every human interaction as to re-experience a traumatic abandonment of their childhood. The personality disorder we see as bpd is really the side effects of that coping mechanism. The psyche is trying to get over it by re-experiencing it over and over again, perhaps trying to learn how to deal with it, but unfortunately that never happens, and you and I get a bpd with a half-dozen stalker exes.

These things will never change about a bpd girl. It is possible to make great leaps forward for the very few of them who will admit they have a problem and try to get help. But among counselors, bpd women who don't want to get better are typically the worst patients. There is no medication, and they only get better when they put a lot of effort into therapy, which pretty much never happens. Usually, they just live a life with drama that never ends. The bpd suicide rate is about 20%, roughly ten times the normal rate; living with drama is at least living.

Choosing to be with her is accepting that there will always be that drama in your life. You have to decide what you want. I am not going to tell you to break up with her; I just want you to make an informed choice. Being with a bpd girl is not all bad; they are anything but boring. If living a boring life is a big fear of yours, then she may be the girl for you. But if you are starting to envy normal, boring-by-comparison relationships and want to live without the whirlwind drama roller coaster that is bpd, she can never give you that life.

My bpd girl is very smart, which they tend to be, and she understands the choice I have made. Right now, she is a few blocks away, and emailing me asking for my number. I know what she wants, which is to call me when her current boyfriend and her fight. She is fun, and beautiful, and it would be great sex. But I have a nice normal girl now and have chosen this life, so I am not giving her my number. She mostly wants me because she knows it would fvck up my current relationship and there would be lots of drama.

It all goes back to that re-experiencing abandonment. Borderlines will dish it out to other people as much as they create it for themselves. Unfortunately, if you are the man who loves them, usually you will be the one on the receiving end of the abandonment. Relating to the title of this thread, getting rid of a bpd woman is to be the one abandoning her. Dump the abandonment in her lap, let her occupy herself with that experience while you go on and live a normal life. I still respond to my bpd girl's email, even though I don't give her my number. Doing so is like stoking a fire, it stirs that abandonment sadness back up within her. Then the abandonment ball is back in her court as I go on with life while she sits on a shelf for me. That is how to get out of her life, should you later make that decision.

 

[AAAgent]

hey guys, im a new poster to this forum. i've read every single page in this thread and is probably the best bpd thread i have seen. i'll give u guys a little background about my bpd ex and maybe get some helpful advice from it.

 

[AAAgent]

haha reading all your posts just makes me feel like im reiterating everything that's been said here. some of the cases i've read might be close to borderline from my experience and some that i've read seem to be right on the dot. i would say mine is right on the date with everythings thats' happened.

 

[AAAgent]

what is afc by the way?

 

[Ivan]

My Girl or X Girl?

OK and thanks bunch for this forum. I need your input here If you will. I'm currently trying to get over her.

OK. I put an add out for a roommate and this chick calls and we talk on the phone for some time. She sounds cool so I invite her over. She moves in.
Several day's later I could tell something was wrong with her also our pets were not getting along so I asked her to move out. She moves out and I then feel sorry for her cuz she has no place to go and she was hot and I liked her looks so I call her and she moves back in. She was awesome in bed also. Anyway she wasn't off all the time. She was a very sweet girl, loved her pets, family, etc.
She tells me her past and I'm blown away. She had been in many Mental Hospitals and had many kids by x lovers. Some taken away. Had her first at a very young age. Anyway I felt sorry for her and my feelings for her became real. She then moves out 1 month later at her discretion as we had a few arguments and some heated. I plead with her to stay but she does not. She said she loved me "many times" and I had fallen in love with her too.
She then goes camping and Is planning on moving back to her home town
not far away. I call her mom and find out where shes camping and her mom tells me I should go see her. So I drive out to see her and find her W another man. It's her fishing buddy she says. He leaves. So we spend a couple of days camping
and I coach her into moving back in. She moves back in. At the end of the month when she gets some money she decides to move out again. She moves and lives in her car. I call her mom and go get her and again @ coach her into moving back. She does. Again at the end of the month she moves again this time out of state. "I beg her not to leave" She says she loves me and we just got deeper involved. She cries allot about leaving me. She has friends she wants to go see and to go to school but no where to really go or to live. I plead "beg" with her in helping her find a place before she leaves and she just goes.

She has no place to go but visits one of her old boyfriends on her trip.
I only know this because when I called her to check up on how she was doing and this guy answered. Anyway so then she contacts another x boyfriend and moves in with him. They have a kid together thats was adopted out. She says she wants to see her Daughter. I love her and call her
and get on her case about the guy answering the phone and told her It hurt me and I loved her, yadda, yadda, yadda and she tells me she would call me back. Haven't herd a word from her. It's been a week. My head hurts and
i feel like I was on a roller coaster ride for the last few months. Up and down.
We argue but when we first met she would scream. She got over that and
stopped screaming. And we even stopped arguing and getting along
allot better. She seemed to be getting better. She was happy but felt closed in or something. We were getting along so well before she left.

Do you think she is bp? She says she is not and is very defensive about it.
She said she had been diagnosed with it in the past. I love this woman and just started getting over her but
can't seem to kick it. I'm sad, hurt and lonely.

 

[Paradox]

The whole BPD subject has been talked about, discussed at length, beaten, dragged, drawn, quartered, beaten to death, resurrected, beaten to death again, resurrected....


Closed.