Being married. Do you enjoy it or not?

[Colossus]

The HAPPIEST people I know are people in happy, healthy marriages.

The most MISERABLE people I know are people in...or recovering from...sad, destructive marriages.

I know some lifelong single people too...they aren't as happy as the happy ones or as sad as the sad ones but they do tend to be lonely and needy as hell. I guess it's a safe route though.

That's probably the most honest, simple assessment of the marriage conundrum I've read.

Being single for life certainly involves less risk, but I dont think most people can really get the most out of life that way. It sounds great on paper, but you will inevitably be lonely and needy, because there isnt someone there to meet your most basic human emotional needs. You have to rely on friends, which are sporadic at best. They have their own lives.

I will agree however that the most miserable people I have seen are the chronically lonely and the people in SH!T marriages. There is no hell like a bad marriage.

 

[samspade]

I'm married and i'm unhappy. My wife simply isn't the person i got married to anymore. Considering we were together for 8 years prior to marriage and lived together for pretty much 6 of those years i don't understand what changed it all once we tied the knot and it makes me angry TBH. It's like she witheld her real self to me until we actually did the deed. And I'm not just talking about in the bedroom like in the Oral Sex and Marriage thread , little things like for instance:

She wont wear makeup or perfume as it's "toxic" and will give her 5hit like cancer, She constantly ignores any hints I give her with regards to how I'd like her to look. Around 6 months ago she put on makeup for some event and i told her she looked beautiful. Her response was that she would now wear makeup from now on. Lasted all of......well she didn't put it on again. She moans about not looking good and stuff but wont do anything about it.

Because she's turned vegan and wont eat anything normal she has awful breath but of course she refuses to use proper toothpaste as it has chemicals in it. No listerine for her no way that 5hit is toxic. What a forking turn off.

She started washing my clothes with all natural detergent and refused to let me use proper stuff in OUR washing machine. this resulted in me going to work and my armpits smelling after a few hours. Problem being when I'd get home and take my shirt off my armpit wouldn't stink at all but my shirt would. It was so embarrassing sitting in a meeting with people meny levels above me and having smelly armpits. I told her about this many times but she just kept going. Now fair enough i can wash my own clothes but bear in mind not in our washing machine with real detergent. So now my business shirts go home to my mum (how fkn embarrassing).

This is just the tip of the iceberg but an example of many things that changed as soon as we married. It may sound petty but add them all up and combine them with the issues in the bedroom and it really takes it's toll on the relationship.

So we argue all the time, more often than not she won't even say hi when she comes home, she'll just point out that the house is a mess or the dishes haven't been done. She'll hop into bed at night and demand that the TV is turned down to an inaudible level because she wants to sleep. She constantly bemoans the fact that we're not rich (we are not poor) and craves material objects. So I get us a new car and within 4 months she stacked it with scratches all over it. She'll reverse and slam back into drive before she brakes whilst it's still reversing. So she gets her car but treats it like crap. Once again just showing examples this isn't everything.

We also have son that's 16 months old we both love him to death probably the only reason I'm still there.

I want to leave her but I know it would destroy her. I don't think she realises how bad things are or maybe she tries to reassure herself that things are OK. During arguments she'll talk about breaking up and leaving but I know she's bluffing. The other day we argued before work and she texted me saying she was going to her mums. I didn't reply cause I was over the 5hit and just wanted some time to myself but sure enough she texted again with a different attitude asking me if I'd cheered up and that she wasn't going anywhere.

What's the scariest thing? I speak to guys 10 years older that tell me it just gets worse from here.....go figure what do i do? I have a 16 month old son FFS. I can't stop thinking about other women as I'm still in my prime sexually but am getting nothing and TBH I want nothing from her the spark just isn't there and she's done nothing to try and reignite it.

So why am i saying all this? Just remember you never know a woman properly and until you're married to them. If you find things aren't going well make a conscientious effort to improve them but if they don't you need to make the hard decision. The grass always seems greener but it's scary 5hit guys especially when you've been with the missus for so long. Don't end up in the predicament I'm in.

I truly hope someone can learn from my mistakes.

One more thing, FWIW, my missus is pretty hot. She is slim toned and has pretty much the best body I've seen naked in my time. looks aren't everything as I'm sure you know.

Just reading Augustus' post we are not legally bound by contract as we married in Greece and the certificate is not recognised here. Not that I'd want my wife to go without, I'd laways do the right thing. Maybe a good idea would be to get married in Europe.

Dude, you are White Knighting and enabling beyond belief. It is YOUR washing machine. She won't "let" you put regular detergent? You have lost all frame and lost control of her. Besides that, the "right thing" isn't to keep her from going without. What about your happiness?

I know you have a sixteen month old kid but will he be healthy in a messed up home with two parents who dread each other?

 

[Spinning Spinning]

I know bro but when you gotta live with them sometimes it's easier to just submit....I know it's weak. Hopefully the happiness is rediscovered overseas, I've put her on notice the last couple of days. You know what she did? She got up out of bed whilst we were in the dark to go sleep in my sons room and she king hit me in the head in the dark without me knowing it was coming as she left the room. It was that hard I thought she'd hit me with something but alas it was her fist go figure......fkn psycho ***** she is. Now don't get me wrong I'm no beaten husband and if I could be fkd I woulda got up and done some damage before but what's the point? She could report me to the authorities i'm so much bigger than her it's just not funny.

 

[Colossus]

Jeezus man. This woman owns you like a cheap suit. If my woman punched me close-fisted in the head, in the dark, there would be hell to pay. Not saying you should hit her back obviously--that is suicide--but you are afraid of what will happen if you put your foot down. What is the worst that could happen??? She'll leave you? Mate she would be doing you a favor.

There have been isolated stories of guys salvaging relationships this far gone but if I were you I'd hedge your bets and divorce her for the betterment of your life and son. Of course who knows, she may try to take you for all you're worth and keep the child....marriage is just a precarious place to be as a man when it goes south.

 

[Spinning Spinning]

So true bro I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I love my son I NEED to see him every day. My missus isn't evil, she wouldn't withhold my son from me but I dare say she would be keeping him with me getting the raw end of the deal. Plenty to ponder for sure.

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

I know bro but when you gotta live with them sometimes it's easier to just submit....I know it's weak. Hopefully the happiness is rediscovered overseas, I've put her on notice the last couple of days. You know what she did? She got up out of bed whilst we were in the dark to go sleep in my sons room and she king hit me in the head in the dark without me knowing it was coming as she left the room. It was that hard I thought she'd hit me with something but alas it was her fist go figure......fkn psycho ***** she is. Now don't get me wrong I'm no beaten husband and if I could be fkd I woulda got up and done some damage before but what's the point? She could report me to the authorities i'm so much bigger than her it's just not funny.

I'm tired of hearing you complain. We have told you that you need to get a divorce. But you still haven't made any actions. I know I've told you in another post what you need to do. This is so disrespect that it makes me even upset reading your post. Noone has to put up with this bs. NOONE

 

[Spinning Spinning]

OK AJ I know but it's not that easy. Anyway I'll cease to trouble you with my issues and try and give something back to the forum.

 

[Bible_Belt]

sometimes it's easier to just submit

Just out of curiosity, did you have a domineering mother? How much does your wife resemble your mom? I only ask because that is why a lot of people put up with abuse.

And on that same token, do you resemble your wife's father? I'm guessing not. Maybe he is more dominant than you, and that is what she needs?

I think that if you just once answered any of her b!tching with "there's the door. Use it if you want. Otherwise, shut the fvck up," then she would start treating you a lot better. She knows you won't, but she still wants you to.

 

[Spinning Spinning]

No and no. I am my own person, I'm more domineering than her old man and my mum didn't dominate me. I guess I haven't been totally honest or really given the whole story. At the risk of being told to STFU and cop the crap about serves you right and get judged I'll go ahead anyway. Just remember I really putting myself out there.

I've been a marajuana addict on and off since the age of around 16. More so from the age of around 24 onwards. I've finally given it the flick and am starting to awaken from my slumber. Whereas before I was happy to keep the peace now I can't hack it. The real me is starting come out and the real me isn't prepared to accept things the way they are. The real me wants more out of my life including sex. I've noticed since I quit many women are giving me looks, I've lost weight got really fit and muscular and my libido has returned. Not that I wasn't horny anyway but I was just happy with porn. Whereas I used to let women have a perve and just enjoy it now I want to do something about it. So I guess that's it gentlemen I haven't been myself and have been willing to accept things even though they weren't working because it was easier. Now all of a sudden its' the other way around and much harder.

So yes it's my fault I know but I guess it's not late to do something about it.

 

[backbreaker]

you have to use common sense, know when to pick and chose your battles, but your battle strategy should not be the white flag every tiem.

If I honestly know i'm wrong, which isn't often but it does happen, backbreaker is human, i can admit it, kiss her on the check, give her a back rub and tell her i'm sorry and she can appreciate that for what it is because idont' do that every day. if it's something so petty i don't feel like arguing over, like me looking at another woman's' feet or some **** like that (has happened lol), i just laugh it off. it's not that serious. but the vast majority of the time i have battle line and she knows not to cross it.

the entire dynamics of our relationship are different because she knows i'm not fvcking around. so because of that she doesn't really test me. if i want to go out and come home at 1am "have fun be safe". no **** when i get home, and as long as she's not giving me any **** and is happy to see me, i have no desire to step out on her.

the few times she will make a stand on something, because she usually doesn't, i know she means it, regardless of how trivial it is to me, she doesn't like to fight with me and if she is going to risk getting into a fight with me i know in my head that she has really thought about this or this means something to her so regardless of how trivial it is i don't take it lightly, but i don't necessarily cave in either.

but inreality, **** i just picked a good woman lol. she isn't very trivial. she likes being a lady, isn't controlling or doesn't try to be. she has her quirks but who doesn't. thank god i did not settle for the first **** who would fvck me or saw dollar signs and pretended to like me.

I've been a marajuana addict on and off since the age of around 16. More so from the age of around 24 onwards. I've finally given it the flick and am starting to awaken from my slumber. Whereas before I was happy to keep the peace now I can't hack it. The real me is starting come out and the real me isn't prepared to accept things the way they are. The real me wants more out of my life including sex. I've noticed since I quit many women are giving me looks, I've lost weight got really fit and muscular and my libido has returned. Not that I wasn't horny anyway but I was just happy with porn. Whereas I used to let women have a perve and just enjoy it now I want to do something about it. So I guess that's it gentlemen I haven't been myself and have been willing to accept things even though they weren't working because it was easier. Now all of a sudden its' the other way around and much harder.

well i'm glad you decided to be honest. i used to be addicted to crack cocaine. true story. i understand more than you know the changes that youa re going through (it's called PAWS).. the upd's the downs' the depressing the happiness one day, the lack of sex drive some days the over exaggerted sex drive the next day, re establishing relationships being the new you, i get it all. been there.

i have seen alot of this. alot of times a person will get married or date someone for a long time who struggles with one addiciton or atnother and they themselves learn how to cope with it and get used to it, or they are used to you being a certain way, and when you get clean, you aren't that way anymore, so reality you aren't the person they feel in love with. your wife married a guy she could control, she could not fvck, and still live under your roof lol, and you aen't that guy anymore and she doesn't like it. you can say it's her fault but no one told you to become a drug addict lol. whatever you do don't use it as an excuse to light back up. do not do that.

honestly, and i don't recommend this to everyone but in your specific case you need thearpy. seriously. you have some serious issues with her to work out becuase literarlly you are n't the guy she married. if she is not willing to change, you have to go, and when i say have to i mean you have to as your soberity is on the line. can't tell you how many people i have seen relaspsed beucase their girls did not like the new and improved them, but liked the guy they can control and would temp them or p9ut them in very crappy situtations


anyway it will get better man. i was not married but same deal. girl i really liked when i was high as a kite, she did not know i was an addict utnil i went to rehab, and when i got out, i realized, this ***** is crazy lol but was able to be crazy when i was constantly getting high i did not gie a ****. now i give a **** and idon't like it.

 

[Spinning Spinning]

Wow that is so spot on. She's actually made reference to the same thing because I have tried to quit many times before (she's always urged me to) but when I have tried before she's always said I'm a different person and how she hopes it only lasts for couple of weeks (the different person but). She always says I'm much nicer when I'm stoned but does that mean much nicer or more conforming? Fortunately or unfortunately, whichever way you look at it, I haven't lasted two weeks but this time I know I've quit for real I feel good about it and whereas before I'd always be craving a smoke this time is different for whatever reason that is. I'm not depressed, in fact I'm sort of on a high. Like I said, many women are paying a lot more attention to me, work is easier and life is easier. The only thing killing me ATM is the insomnia but I guess that'll pass. Maybe it's my job who knows but aint no way I'm hitting up that **** again. Plus I'm 30+ and one really has to worry about lung cancer when they smoke for so long and I have a son who I love and I'm fkd if I'm going to leave him without a father over smoking dope every night. I think my wife may be in denial about where things are going and I think she realises she's losing all control the longer it goes on.

Dude, like I said, I'm very different to others, I don't do therapy. I know what the issues are, they're plain and simple to me and they pretty much can't be fixed. I need to man the fk up and tell her how it is, like I said, there's no spark there anyway and there's no way she's bending at all. It's just scary scary **** that's all I mean fk WTF I've been with this girl since the age of 21 and she's still a mate I still care for her despite the bitterness. She's stuck by me (I used to be a gambling addict as well but that stopped quite a while ago) when a lot of people didn't and when her parents urged her to ditch me. I feel I owe her something for sure. I know it'll destroy her if I tell her it's over like REALLY REALLY destroy her. I'm not so sure I can do that to her. Maybe I at least owe her the therapy like you said in fact that's right, I at least owe her the therapy. She has suggested that anyhow. So that's what I'll do as soon as she walks in tonight I'm going to tell her, therapy it is. At least if that doesn't sort **** out then I've made a huge effort and perhaps she'll accept things as they are.

Thanks so much backbreaker you've really helped me out here, you've made me realise what has to be done. Amazing I changed my mind within a paragraph but there you have it, 5hit happens.

 

[backbreaker]

Wow that is so spot on. She's actually made reference to the same thing because I have tried to quit many times before (she's always urged me to) but when I have tried before she's always said I'm a different person and how she hopes it only lasts for couple of weeks (the different person but). She always says I'm much nicer when I'm stoned but does that mean much nicer or more conforming? Fortunately or unfortunately, whichever way you look at it, I haven't lasted two weeks but this time I know I've quit for real I feel good about it and whereas before I'd always be craving a smoke this time is different for whatever reason that is. I'm not depressed, in fact I'm sort of on a high. Like I said, many women are paying a lot more attention to me, work is easier and life is easier. The only thing killing me ATM is the insomnia but I guess that'll pass. Maybe it's my job who knows but aint no way I'm hitting up that **** again. Plus I'm 30+ and one really has to worry about lung cancer when they smoke for so long and I have a son who I love and I'm fkd if I'm going to leave him without a father over smoking dope every night. I think my wife may be in denial about where things are going and I think she realises she's losing all control the longer it goes on.

Dude, like I said, I'm very different to others, I don't do therapy. I know what the issues are, they're plain and simple to me and they pretty much can't be fixed. I need to man the fk up and tell her how it is, like I said, there's no spark there anyway and there's no way she's bending at all. It's just scary scary **** that's all I mean fk WTF I've been with this girl since the age of 21 and she's still a mate I still care for her despite the bitterness. She's stuck by me (I used to be a gambling addict as well but that stopped quite a while ago) when a lot of people didn't and when her parents urged her to ditch me. I feel I owe her something for sure. I know it'll destroy her if I tell her it's over like REALLY REALLY destroy her. I'm not so sure I can do that to her. Maybe I at least owe her the therapy like you said in fact that's right, I at least owe her the therapy. She has suggested that anyhow. So that's what I'll do as soon as she walks in tonight I'm going to tell her, therapy it is. At least if that doesn't sort **** out then I've made a huge effort and perhaps she'll accept things as they are.

Thanks so much backbreaker you've really helped me out here, you've made me realise what has to be done. Amazing I changed my mind within a paragraph but there you have it, 5hit happens.

no one, not even my wife, not even my son, is more important than my sobriety. i don't mean that litearrly in the sense that i care moire about me than i do them, i mean that every decision i make will always put soberity first. it has to becuase if i ever get back out there, which won't happen but if it did, both of them would become an afterthought.

i don't care what your wife friends think or her family thinks, i dont' care what your friends think i don't care what you think. if she is not being the comforting wife you need her to be in your sobriety she has to go. you have to be militant about sobriety. it's the only way it will work. trust me. TRUST ME.

She's stuck by me

her having a codependent personality really doesn't mean anything. she likes guys she knows she can control that doesn't make her a great woman. not saying she isn't i'm just saying that's not a viable reason. you don't owe her anything in that regard. you owe yourself a shot at living life to the fullest.

let me put it to you this way; do you think she would still support you if you became unattractive/fat/broke as fvck all the time? her support is and always was out of self interest. you aren't falling on some white knight toward by sticking with a woman who is controlling or trying to run your life.

you have had your issues but i assure you that you aren't the only one and you need to step up to hte plate and do what's best for you whatever that is, if you are serious about being clean and being happy. i can tell you now, your wife is a trigger. i can tell by your post. that's what scares me more than anything. she won't come out and say it.. she will start withholding sex, she will start acting distant, you will get the queues and subconscious you will revert back to your old habits, which i feel is wht she really wants because she can control that person much easier.


[in alot of cases, people who stick with drug addicts, in reality are just as sick as the actual addict. they just aren't using.

 

[Spinning Spinning]

I just told her about the counselling/therapist. I think she was initially happy but then it dawned on her......this 5hit is real and we may not come out of it in tact. So as the call went on I think she was maybe in shock (?) not too sure. I think she got the impression that if this doesn't work then IT won't work.So I guess she's reeling a little ATM.

You know it's funny I always thought I was in control but fk me you're right she IS the one in control. She always calls me the control freak but it's her controlling me. I can't believe I underestimated my own wife. Or maybe I was just too toasted to realise. Either way you sir have been one big eye opener for me, in fact this whole forum has. I only hope I can give back as much as I have got out of it.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Someone else from Australia was posting on here about the evils of the demon wacky weed and how it was destroying their life. Your government seems to be doing a great job of its propaganda war. The other guy was convinced it caused reefer madness, and you think it causes cancer. Of course if that were actually true, in places like areas of Belize and Jamaica where most people have smoked every day for most of their lives, everyone would be a schizophrenic with cancer. But they're not.

 

[Colossus]

Hey bro, for what it's worth, I spent a solid 5 years of my life in a marijuana haze. I was more of a "high functioning" stoner (no pun intended); in that I still made it through college and accomplished enough to get into a good grad program.

That said, I know what it does to your mind. It's insidious. It's not really an evil drug, but it's not really harmless either. It kind of takes your will and weakens it---it made me meek and withdrawn socially and afraid to rock the boat or make risky decisions. In relationships it certainly doesn't help. It can help keep the peace but you end up being a subordinate to your wife or gf. And I'm talking about daily usage here, not the once-in-awhile casual user.

I have my moments where I miss it---but I just remember what it did to my motivation and personality. Everything I did was centered around the anticipation of getting high. And then when I did get high, it felt good for about 20 minutes but then it just made me paranoid and awkward with people, and I got nothing done. Such a waste.

 

[5string]

I just told her about the counselling/therapist. I think she was initially happy but then it dawned on her......this 5hit is real and we may not come out of it in tact. So as the call went on I think she was maybe in shock (?) not too sure. I think she got the impression that if this doesn't work then IT won't work.So I guess she's reeling a little ATM.

You know it's funny I always thought I was in control but fk me you're right she IS the one in control. She always calls me the control freak but it's her controlling me. I can't believe I underestimated my own wife. Or maybe I was just too toasted to realise. Either way you sir have been one big eye opener for me, in fact this whole forum has. I only hope I can give back as much as I have got out of it.

I'm just gonna tell you like the other guys did. GTFO of the marriage! Stay away from the drugs and unfvck yourself. Don't tell me "easier said than done." I don't want to fvckin hear it. You know what needs to be done here. Fvckin do it. Sh!t! It's guys like you that frustrate me bigtime. You have everything to gain and you just sit there whining about your life but yet you refuse to take control of it! Fvck!

 

[samspade]

Someone else from Australia was posting on here about the evils of the demon wacky weed and how it was destroying their life. Your government seems to be doing a great job of its propaganda war. The other guy was convinced it caused reefer madness, and you think it causes cancer. Of course if that were actually true, in places like areas of Belize and Jamaica where most people have smoked every day for most of their lives, everyone would be a schizophrenic with cancer. But they're not.

Not to get off topic too much, but I think weed is a fine drug. But it's still a drug with plenty of risks. Inhaling unfiltered smoke can't be good for your lungs. Beyond that, it offers diminishing returns and can consume your life if you're not careful. But that's a matter of control, just like with alcohol. In general I agree there's a lot of propaganda against it, plus stoner types have ruined it for those who enjoy it sensibly once in a while.

As for the OP, seems it was more of a habit than an enjoyable indulgence for him. Better to get off it and straighten his life for now.

 

[Spinning Spinning]

Guys would you stop with the "Stop complaining" shight I am responding to posts and questions. Thanks.

Edit: But I do understand where you're coming from and have taken the first steps. Keep you all up to date if you're interested.