Anger/Drawing the line

[Roober]

While I do agree that her menstrual cycle may be a contributing factor, i believe the attitude is indicative of a disconnect in the relationship.

I suggest you take a good look at all of your handling with this woman and determine if you are meeting her emotional needs. Her escalated hormones are merely the catalyst to feed the underlying insecurities in the relationship.

 

[ChristopherColumbus]

I wonder if in the mindset of 'keeping frame', one can create insecurity [ a common theme in other threads].

But perhaps this is not keeping frame at all, but rather continuing to game the girl, which could be counter-productive to forming a LTR. That's why I think this distinction between game and frame is important. It avoids a mindset.

 

[Spaz]

I shall rule my household, should I have one, like a medieval baron. Of course, the wife could run the day to day economy giving her a semblance of power.

The smart wife will manipulate you into thinking that you rule the house and you're too clueless to think otherwise.

And each time you think you'd won when there's a "battle of control", it's a tactical manoeuvre by the wife.

The smart baron will create his own "cave" to have some semblance peace and control there. Wife will want that too but will prolly allow you to keep it if you'd fight tooth and nail to keep her out.

 

[ChristopherColumbus]

The smart wife will manipulate you into thinking that you rule the house and you're too clueless to think otherwise.

And each time you think you'd won when there's a "battle of control", it's a tactical manoeuvre by the wife.

The smart baron will create his own "cave" to have some semblance peace and control there. Wife will want that too but will prolly allow you to keep it if you'd fight tooth and nail to keep her out.

This is to have retreated to the barbarism of the cave. I propose a civilized order, where the woman may have control of the little things [home economics], but I will provide the leading over-arching order.

 

[Spaz]

This is to have retreated to the barbarism of the cave. I propose a civilized order, where the woman may have control of the little things [home economics], but I will provide the leading over-arching order.

Hahaha

 

[Fruitbat]

What type of a career does she have?

Law. She has a masters and a degree, but wants to go into any professional career, not specifically law.

 

[Glassguy]

Law. She has a masters and a degree, but wants to go into any professional career, not specifically law.

So what does she do for work NOW?

 

[Fruitbat]

Just had a bunch of tears. It's PMS and nothing deeper.

What someone said about it "creeping up" is super true. We're getting along fine and then some BS starts.

What I don't get is, women seem to control it OK at work to be honest, at least a lot that I work with, but I recall lots of bytchy offices where some of the ladies were horrible to a young 17 year old fruitbat!. She would never act this way at work I think.

The horrific truth of this is, and excuse me ladies, but when you see all the pay gap stuff and "why aren't women taken seriously"....well, this seems a big part of it. Women in this state can't be relied upon, but say this and you'd be hanged.

There are, of course, the 20-30% of women who handle it like a boss and these are the ones who men respect. It's not blanket mysogyny.

However, women can't help it. Should they have their chances of success ruined by it? On paper, no, but if you're running a business, I can see how you just would avoid hiring women lest this insanity pervade the workplace for a week a month....

 

[Fruitbat]

So what does she do for work NOW?

Study and works in a restaurant. Why do you ask?

We're trying for kids next year so might be a while before she really gets the career going.

 

[Fruitbat]

Advice from the old lady (from the women's locker room): PMS (Pre-Menstral Syndrome) is a real thing. Seriously. And one of the major indicators is changes in mood. This is directly related to hormonal spikes as the cycle occurs. It's a subtle thing from a woman's perspective...she may not be aware that she is doing this. I wasn't for many years.

My ex husband and I used to fight in close temporal relationship to the approach of my menses. But we'd get amnesia every month and forget that is a contributing factor. I still get edgy at that point in my cycle and I get prone to impatience and grouchyness. I'm much more self aware now and I can typically see this as a factor and know to have greater effort in patience toward myself and others during that point in my cycle.

Its most akin to the way a man gets grouchy/bitchy/short tempered when he's hungry or sleep deprived. It operates at a deep enough level that it can be beneath conscious functioning.

And this is why women bristle when people (especially men *you don't understand...*) point out the change in mood and behavior. Men don't understand menses, but they dam sure observe the behavior and end up dealing with it. It's also a thing that because its chemical (hormonal) it is beyond conscious control to a degree, and no woman likes the idea that she is behaving badly from some place beyond her control. That honestly is an unsettling idea and it takes a bit of getting accustomed to.

Best to point this trend out to her AFTER her period passes (as her hormonal profile will have stabilized.) Mention it gently, as in "You know...I've noticed something..." and proceed from there. Emphasize the temporal relationship between her cycle and her behavior. Tell her you have an older female friend who has explained that Yes, this really can be a thing - whatever you want to say. You may get some blowback, but she needs to be made aware that this mood change is happening. She can then address it consciously.

But she truly may not realize this is happening.

BEE issue is, the better I cope with it, the more severe it becomes. It's like she won't rest until I am similarly unsettled.

She knows all of this full well and she doesn't like it when I say it's hormones. BUT IT IS!

There's societies in remote Caucuss where they have a beautiful comfortable house in the middle of the village. It's full of fruits, soaps, baths, and lots of chick-friendly stuff. Once a month, the woman leaves the home and chills out there. It's women only and the other, older women help run it. The lady gets a few days off from looking after the family, the guy gets a hastle free few days. I think it's a superb system and I would hope women would like this idea - it seems, in this phase, it's predominently her man who is the target - not other women. Don't ask me why but it tends to always be her partner who is public enemy no 1 for a few days - not her mom, or sister, or kids.

Sometimes I feel older societies knew what they were doing.

 

[Roober]

Just had a bunch of tears. It's PMS and nothing deeper.

What someone said about it "creeping up" is super true. We're getting along fine and then some BS starts.

What I don't get is, women seem to control it OK at work to be honest, at least a lot that I work with, but I recall lots of bytchy offices where some of the ladies were horrible to a young 17 year old fruitbat!. She would never act this way at work I think.

The horrific truth of this is, and excuse me ladies, but when you see all the pay gap stuff and "why aren't women taken seriously"....well, this seems a big part of it. Women in this state can't be relied upon, but say this and you'd be hanged.

There are, of course, the 20-30% of women who handle it like a boss and these are the ones who men respect. It's not blanket mysogyny.

However, women can't help it. Should they have their chances of success ruined by it? On paper, no, but if you're running a business, I can see how you just would avoid hiring women lest this insanity pervade the workplace for a week a month....

So, you think its PMS and nothing deeper. However, then go on to say that she basically only has this attitude with you; not her co-workers, family or friends. There is a significant contradiction in your statement if her actions are not congruent throughout her interactions with all people.

Additionally, if it is just PMS, does she also exhibit other behaviors during this phase which are congruent with your hypothesis? Does it also occur at the same time in her cycle each month? Can you control her cycle? Can you control how you react to her cycle?

I believe that using her biology as the only source of her actions is a disservice to the relationship. You should always look at ways to improve your interactions with others, especially those you love and cherish. By relegating her actions to PMS and subsequently expressing that to her, it is an illustration to her that you may not have the capacity to handle difficult emotional situations, this is a possible message she may recieve from your actions. Now I am merely throwing out ideas based on the data you have provided, not suggesting you are incapable of such behaviors.

This happens quite often with men, especially those on this website. Many are incapable of handling their own emotions, which I am guilty of as well, however, I will certainly admit to that. Distance and avoidance of her emotions is not a healthy solution for LTRs, it will build disconnect and resentment, which often comes shortly before broken communication and termination of the relationship.

So with that, here are parting words...
1. Dont EVER tell a woman it's because of her PMS or "time of the month". You may know it, but keep it to yourself. I am sure all of the women here would agree on this
2. consider this... you have been responding the similarly to her cycle every month, but the problem persists. That is the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

 

[Fruitbat]

So, you think its PMS and nothing deeper. However, then go on to say that she basically only has this attitude with you; not her co-workers, family or friends. There is a significant contradiction in your statement if her actions are not congruent throughout her interactions with all people.

Additionally, if it is just PMS, does she also exhibit other behaviors during this phase which are congruent with your hypothesis? Does it also occur at the same time in her cycle each month? Can you control her cycle? Can you control how you react to her cycle?

I believe that using her biology as the only source of her actions is a disservice to the relationship. You should always look at ways to improve your interactions with others, especially those you love and cherish. By relegating her actions to PMS and subsequently expressing that to her, it is an illustration to her that you may not have the capacity to handle difficult emotional situations, this is a possible message she may recieve from your actions. Now I am merely throwing out ideas based on the data you have provided, not suggesting you are incapable of such behaviors.

This happens quite often with men, especially those on this website. Many are incapable of handling their own emotions, which I am guilty of as well, however, I will certainly admit to that. Distance and avoidance of her emotions is not a healthy solution for LTRs, it will build disconnect and resentment, which often comes shortly before broken communication and termination of the relationship.

So with that, here are parting words...
1. Dont EVER tell a woman it's because of her PMS or "time of the month". You may know it, but keep it to yourself. I am sure all of the women here would agree on this
2. consider this... you have been responding the similarly to her cycle every month, but the problem persists. That is the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

I don't know, I've not seen her at work. It was a throwaway comment not really relating to this, but rest assured, every other women I've been inolved with has not treated her boss and colleagues as she treated her significant other during PMS season. I would have thought it would be blindingly obvious to anyone who's every been in a relationship.

 

[Glassguy]

Study and works in a restaurant. Why do you ask?

We're trying for kids next year so might be a while before she really gets the career going.

Because you said that she was lazy. If she has a master's degree, why isnt she in a better job rather than working in a restaurant making little money?

I sort of think that is one of the roots of the issues here (lazy = little money) and it seems as though you are the one carrying the weight of the bank account. Thats definitely not a good sign if a woman has an education and not using it.

I am not trying to sound harsh, but I would be that if you have a degree it is not past BA. So what gives with her not utilizing her education and making more money?

 

[guru1000]

Sit her down and communicate. That is what adults do.

If she consumed by her hormones which she cannot consciously control, take a leave, and come back when she's normal.

 

[Alvafe]

Just had a bunch of tears. It's PMS and nothing deeper.

What someone said about it "creeping up" is super true. We're getting along fine and then some BS starts.

What I don't get is, women seem to control it OK at work to be honest, at least a lot that I work with, but I recall lots of bytchy offices where some of the ladies were horrible to a young 17 year old fruitbat!. She would never act this way at work I think.

The horrific truth of this is, and excuse me ladies, but when you see all the pay gap stuff and "why aren't women taken seriously"....well, this seems a big part of it. Women in this state can't be relied upon, but say this and you'd be hanged.

There are, of course, the 20-30% of women who handle it like a boss and these are the ones who men respect. It's not blanket mysogyny.

However, women can't help it. Should they have their chances of success ruined by it? On paper, no, but if you're running a business, I can see how you just would avoid hiring women lest this insanity pervade the workplace for a week a month....

Just had a bunch of tears. It's PMS and nothing deeper.

What someone said about it "creeping up" is super true. We're getting along fine and then some BS starts.

What I don't get is, women seem to control it OK at work to be honest, at least a lot that I work with, but I recall lots of bytchy offices where some of the ladies were horrible to a young 17 year old fruitbat!. She would never act this way at work I think.

The horrific truth of this is, and excuse me ladies, but when you see all the pay gap stuff and "why aren't women taken seriously"....well, this seems a big part of it. Women in this state can't be relied upon, but say this and you'd be hanged.

There are, of course, the 20-30% of women who handle it like a boss and these are the ones who men respect. It's not blanket mysogyny.

However, women can't help it. Should they have their chances of success ruined by it? On paper, no, but if you're running a business, I can see how you just would avoid hiring women lest this insanity pervade the workplace for a week a month....

want to know why when people hire they don't like to hire woman? here is the deals, pregnancy, mood swings, miss a lot of work days for medic(hers or kids) never tend to stay overtime when needed, tend to gossip during work time, so smaller the workplace less likely they will like to hire woman, also the mentality based on work ethics, a guy will go to work when need knowing very well if job is not done it will still be there waiting for you to do it, woman think since they missed that day she don't have to work harder to catch up

most jobs woman just won't take, it would depend on what kind of work is avaiable, working with the public more then likely they will want a woman clergy work too.

 

[highSpeed]

@Fruitbat hormones can beast a woman for 2 weeks a month, sometimes longer. There's a period of leading up to 'that time' and then ' that time' and sometimes even after 'that time'

Birth control can help regulate, but can also screw some women up

and this is a cop out, end of story. either you are an adult who is in control of how they interact with others to some degree or you're a petulant child who cannot observe how they interact with others. If you are the latter, perhaps a serious relationship is not for you. If that's the majority of women, well, I guess that, combined with the long arm of the law, makes many modern relationships extremely difficult for the man to keep together. Now to be fair, sometimes it's the woman who keeps things together but that is becoming less and less all the time. With most of the divorces initiated by women, this tells you how much the man is in control in the marriage/serious relationship environment, which isn't much. Before the long arm of the law, the man could eventually put his foot down. Now, it's like trying to put your foot down in quicksand.

 

[ChristopherColumbus]

I wonder if in the mindset of 'keeping frame', one can create insecurity [ a common theme in other threads].

But perhaps this is not keeping frame at all, but rather continuing to game the girl, which could be counter-productive to forming a LTR. That's why I think this distinction between game and frame is important. It avoids a mindset.

And further, along this line of reasoning, frame is the bridging concept between game and... one's ultimate principles/ ethics etc. Because one's ultimate principles can be considered a kind of frame... but they themselves can not come under the notion of game. Game is a different kind of frame, which centers on the ideas of power, control, competition and winning... it centers on the ego.

 

[Macaframalama]

Game is a different kind of frame, which centers on the ideas of power, control, competition and winning... it centers on the ego.

And/or to gratify ones needs.

 

[ChristopherColumbus]

And/or to gratify ones needs.

Yes, an important point. And an equally important point is that it's arguable that something like sex is not a need at all. I think Maslow's hierarchy of needs popularized the idea that it was [for mass society]... only food and shelter are needs in the stricter sense. Freud no doubt is the mastermind behind this idea.

 

[Fruitbat]

Because you said that she was lazy. If she has a master's degree, why isnt she in a better job rather than working in a restaurant making little money?

I sort of think that is one of the roots of the issues here (lazy = little money) and it seems as though you are the one carrying the weight of the bank account. Thats definitely not a good sign if a woman has an education and not using it.

I am not trying to sound harsh, but I would be that if you have a degree it is not past BA. So what gives with her not utilizing her education and making more money?

She can't actually work more than 20 hours per week legally and she is waiting for her visa to be renewed so employers won't offer her jobs on a very short visa.