Good advice from an unlikely source

1. Confidence is key.

Women like confidence far, far more than men do. Think about it - shy "nice guys" legendarily get passed over, whereas being shy and nice is not much impediment to a girl getting asked out (in fact lots of guys really like it). If you ask 10 women for what they're looking for in a man you'll likely get ten quite different lists, but probably at least 9 in 10 of them will mention "confidence" or something equivalent.

When you want to date a woman, don't do things that would make it look like you aren't confident. I'm going to mention some below, but it's not magic, and the main secret is to build your own inner confidence. Easy to say, almost impossible to do... or is it?

2. Confidence is *not* about expecting success, or about being successful. It's about *not fearing failure*.

You can be completely confident about doing something you'll probably fail at, if you know it's not a big deal and you can move on. In high school, everything social tends to seem Incredibly Important. But it's not - unless you're a total ass, asking somebody out and getting turned down won't make you into a social failure. In fact, it's essential - dealing with rejection is a skill that takes practice. You have to go in with the attitude that even a total stud would get rejected by the majority of women if he just asks a whole bunch of them out, so you *will* get turned down. Even when there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. It's still going to sting the first few times anyway, but if you keep in mind that rejection is natural and dating is always a gamble, you can learn to deal with "no" as an oh well, that's the way it goes sometimes, everyday event. In contrast, guys who have the attitude that "no" means there's something wrong with them, that they don't understand women or women don't understand them, and so on will eventually get really bitter. Especially when it comes to the immature minds of high school girls, "no" does *not* mean there's anything wrong with you, trust me. If women never tell you no, you're probably not trying hard enough.

3. The best way to display confidence with women is not to put them up on a pedestal.

A lot of "nice guys" go to a lot of effort specifically to win a woman over, treating her much better than they'd treat anyone they were just friends with. Being extra-nice to her, trying not to offend her, trying to be the kind of person she'd like them to be, giving her flowers, paying for absolutely everything, and so on. Basically they throw all this effort at her, to "win" her, and they try to get the "reward" of her going out with them. This gives all the power to the woman - the guy makes it clear that he'll go far to get her, and all she has to do is decide whether to say yes or no.

If you think about it for a minute, you'll realize this isn't a confident thing to do. A really desirable guy doesn't have to go that far - he can be himself, he can even be a demanding jerk, if he asks women out they'll say "yes" without being showered with flowers and inoffensiveness. Now, you're not Brad Pitt, but that actually doesn't matter - the most important way to become desirable is to act as if you are already desirable. In other words, be casual. Just ask women out as if it were a completely everyday thing (even if you are really scared inside). And *don't give them things unless they're willing to give in return*. And I don't mean some disgusting bull**** like if you pay for dinner she should sleep with you. I mean, if you do something nice for a woman then you should expect her to be nice in return. If not you can move on, you can legitimately get annoyed, you can call her on it. But whatever you do, *do not* keep doing more nice things in the hope that she will go out with you or like you better. Doing that makes you look like the sort of person who isn't confident in their own attractiveness, and tries to be extra-nice and extra-giving to compensate.

"Don't go out of your way to be nice to a woman in order to win her over" is contrary to received wisdom in North American culture. Tradition and movies tell a guy how to be "romantic" and how to date, and what they say is basically to be giving and try to win her over. That's crap. With most women, it actually *decreases* your chances. Instead of starting the relationship off on an equal footing you're giving her all the power - and it's hard for a powerless guy to seem confident.

4. Ironically enough, treat them a bit more like friends and you're less likely to be "just friends".

As I said above, doing a lot of nice things for a woman without her returning the favor is the sort of thing that makes it look like you're not confident and thus not attractive. But knowing how not to drive women away is not the same as being able to attract them. The easiest way to seem confident in an *attractive* way is to treat women the way you might treat a friend of yours, especially a kind of bratty friend that you like to kid around with a lot. Geeky "nice guys" may kid around with and tease other guys a lot (just see this board and even this thread...) but they usually never do it with women, especially women they're interested in. Big mistake. Women like you to be a fun person that can kid around with them, not someone who's serious and uncomfortable. And if you can kid around with and tease or be sarcastic with a woman you're trying to date, that *really* makes you stand out from other guys in a good way, and shows that you're confident enough not to be worried about offending her.

And that really is key - *don't worry about offending her*. Within reason, of course - don't insult her or tell the most extreme gross-out jokes you know. But think of how you probably act with guy friends - if one of your jokes goes over the wrong way you just say oops, didn't mean it that way and that's it. If you talk about a controversial subject and don't agree, no big deal. But most guys worry a lot about offending women they date, and so they try and play it "safe" and uncontroversial. Instead, treat her like a normal person whose opinion isn't a matter of life and death to you. If you express an opinion she doesn't like or tease her in a way she doesn't like, generally her negative reaction will be *far* outweighed by the fact that you just showed yourself to be much more self-confident than other guys. And you've showed that since you're willing to kid around and be open about what you think, she can do the same things in return. This will create bonds of trust and lead to deeper conversations earlier in the relationship.

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5. Women don't want jerks, jerks just have what women want.

Why is it commonly said that women like jerks rather than nice guys? Well, keep in mind what I said above. A jerk doesn't care what a woman thinks of him, so he doesn't fear failure with her. That's the most important element of confidence. And he's not going to put her on a pedestal, worry about offending her, or any of those other things that make women see typical "nice guys" as underconfident and unattractive.

Basically, that confidence is enough to make lots of women overlook the fact that the guy happens to also be a jerk. Just like how many men will overlook huge personality flaws in a really pretty woman.

Once you learn to treat women like your bratty pal and not fear failure with them, you can have the same mojo that "jerks" do. Except instead of being a jerk, you're someone who actually cares, who may tease her or offend her but doesn't mistreat her. This leads you to become what women colloquially refer to as "a catch".

6. How to ask women on a date? Just do it.

The best way to ask a woman out on a date depends a bit on whether you know her or not. But basically, you just want to make a bit of conversation, and then ask her out. I don't recommend just walking up and asking her out point blank, unless that's really the only way to do it. If you don't know her, definitely walk up and start by introducing herself and asking what her name is. Exchange a few sentences - on your first attempts, just start with some topic of mutual interest that it's easy to chat a bit with. Since you're in high school, topics might be how good/bad a certain teacher is or something like that. Once you've chatted for a bit, just ask her out.

Preferably, do not just say "hey, would you like to go out sometime"?

You want to make it easy for her to say yes with minimal thought. You want to make it seem like a casual thing that doesn't require many decisions on her part. So you don't want to ask an extremely open-ended question. Instead, try to have some *specific* activity in mind. Watching a movie, meeting up somewhere, whatever the hell it is kids your age do. As an adult, I *always* start by asking a woman if she wants to go for coffee. Also, suggest a specific day or at least a rough time period. This shows you're confident, shows her that you're decisive and expect her to be able to stand up for herself and make a different suggestion if she doesn't like yours, and lets her tell herself that she's just going along for that specific activity, not agreeing to Date you with a capital D. Do not use the word date.

7. How to start a date.

The key to successful first dates is to start them off on the right foot - preferably a humorous, casual foot - by getting conversation up and running as quickly as possible. Don't do the lame old thing of asking her a bunch of basic questions about her life and her opinions. You will each find all the little details out over time, as you get to know each other. Just start talking about some random subject, trying to act casual and treat her as if she's already your friend, and the two of you are just chatting about whatever happens to come up. You want to quickly start talking about something *other than* each other, because talking about each other is awkward.

Being an adult, I've often dated people I knew basically nothing about beforehand. My trick was to randomly pick out some *silly* topic of conversation that I'd just launch into soon after we met. The following won't work so well for a high schooler, but it's kind of an example. Coffee shops usually have national or local newspapers in them, and better yet indie newspapers with all the strange local events going on. I'd show up a bit early and grab one to read. Generally there would be something there that suggested a silly topic of conversation to me. One time, I read a really negative review of some movie that was coming out. So when my date showed up, I asked her what she thought of bad movies, and mentioned this review and how I might actually go to see the movie because it looked like it might be *soo* bad it was funny. It was some action/SF movie, I think it was one of the Blade movies.

8. Turn your weaknesses into strengths.

This one is especially important for guys who are young enough that women their age are allergic to any suggestion of nerdiness. As I've mentioned a bunch of times above, women love confidence. So use a popular tactic of advertising - if you have some blatant "weakness", don't try to hide it, blatantly point it out and make fun of it. This shows that it's not a big deal to you, that you don't take it seriously and aren't afraid of it being made fun of. It strongly suggests that anyone else is silly if they think it's a big deal.

So in my own case, I tend to point out early and often that I'm a huge nerd, and generally make fun of it. In fact, usually I brag about it in an exaggerated way. This web site has been raised as evidence of what a gigantic nerd I am.

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