Banging my head....

Guys, I'm hurtin' pretty good over here. Trying to get over my breakup. You know I, and you all too, tell guys here to face up to the fact that the relationship is over all the time. But damn, it's really hard to do, especially when the woman is your partner. I had lived with her for three years. I was engaged one day, then a few days later after she had been doing her best to avoid me, she visited me at work and ended it in five minutes. It would have been one minute had I not been standing in front of the door trying to make it at least a respectful goodbye. I would have liked to think that after years of commitment, the end would have been more peaceful, but it was brutal.

I'm still in shock. Tonight was my father's birthday and as I sat there unsuccesfully trying to be cheerful, I couldn't believe that she wasn't there. I brought up how it felt strange not having her there because she was part of the family, and my mom said," She WAS. Now she isn't." That didn't make me feel much better. It was my dad's sixtieth birthday, and I'm also angry that I brought the mood down.

At work, I'm like a zombie. Luckily, I don't have to operate any heavy equipment. I go through my day having several panic attacks. They're really freaky because it seems the harder I try to get out of it, the more I panic. Then if I try to relax, I feel like I'm still panicking.

Uuurg, I'm seeing a therapist this week. This is no way to live. But I'm saying no to meds because of the side effects.

I looked into men's divorce support groups in my area, but all I can find are women's. The only coed one was at a church, and they used the bible in the group. (I'm atheistic) Any experience?Do any of you all know of anything? By the way, I live in Northern Virginia.

I know that the relationship is over. And I have a rough idea of why it ended, but I'll never contact her again. I still have feelings for her I'll admit. However, I know it would never work out. And these nasty emotional waves I'm having are my way of separating. I feel like I need as much help and support to get through this as I can get. I'm out of my coping range here and it's scary to be frank.

Originally posted by TheTrimReaper
I'm still in shock. Tonight was my father's birthday and as I sat there unsuccesfully trying to be cheerful, I couldn't believe that she wasn't there.

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C'mon, your dad has been with you through thick and thin (at least I hope so) and you can't enjoy the moment with him? My dad is getting older, real old and he's not always well these days. I cherish each and every moment with him. This gal is just another broad and you've given her all the power over your emotions.

I understand the naturalness of break ups, the grieving period, etc., but c'mon man! You can't enjoy your family because of a broad? I hope you take down that statue you have of her in your backyard.

Look, reality check: You'd probably get bored with her in a few years anyway, people always do. You now have the gift of freedom, I suggest you use it. I'm glad you're doing therapy, and additional therapy should consist of getting some hobbies, working out, and meeting and dating many, many women.

Oneitis is a sick, sick, disease

Oneitis? How about wifeitis! We were going to get married this fall. And she's not just another broad WestCoaster. I know, at least I hope, you are attempting to help, but have some respect. When your mate leaves, it f*cks you up.

If you think I'm just some chump, you are mistaken. I was on this forum when it first started, and I scored... a lot. But after DJing literally a hundred ladies, this one made the cut over time. It's especially tough to swallow because I made the riskiest commitment for a DJ and got rejected. How about them apples?

Intellectually, I know I have to get back out in the game. Believe me, I want to. But I'm just not there. That's why I'm looking for actual help, not to be judged.

Fair enough, I was harsh. But wifeitis is almost as bad as oneitis, to be honest. I have a lot of friends, more than 80 percent of the married ones are freaking miserable.

If she was the wife, you shouldn't have lived with her for three years. Honestly? After one year (probably earlier) you know whether a gal should be your wife or not, continuing to live with a person is a waste of time unless you have a lifetime commitment of living together and not doing the legal marriage thing.

The one thing you can't guarantee is that a woman often changes after she gets married and that's why the majority of my friends are miserable: the woman changed.

But I applaud you for getting therapy and trying to improve, I didn't mean to land on you. But next time you have "wifeitis" either marry the woman within a year (or less) or cut bait. Were you expecting to find out more about her in year four living with her? Doesn't make sense, IMO. To each his own.

* Statistics show the longer you live with a person and then get married; the higher the marriage/breakup rate. I'm not saying quickie Vegas weddings ... but honestly, my friend who did the quick Vegas wedding is the most happily married of all my friends. Here's a scary thought: Those elopements and quickie weddings have the same success rate as people who live together for more than a year. Something to ponder.

Good luck!

Heartbreak sucks....just keep in mind that it takes time to heal. Try to find a way to distract yourself. If you find yourself getting depressed, you should consider medication for that and the panic attacks.

Remember, you will have another girlfriend, your dad understands and life will get better.

You'll get through it.

Hey man...it's hard. I was with my ex for about 10 years...we were married for 6...it hurts I know..trust me I know.

You give everything you have and it's just not enough, this is what rejection is...her knowing who you are and that not being good enough.

But, it gets better my friend...a lot better as time goes by. Yes your going to feel like this for awhile, but I don't see why you need therapy, they're just going to tell you to let your feelings out and that in time the pain will go away. The same thing I'm doing right here.

The best thing for you to do is hang out with friends...maybe not the married ones, but ones that you can actually go do something with. Don't sit at home feeling miserable....it doesn't help.

And I know it's early in the game, but get back out there and meet some chicks to just hang out with to laugh with and stuff. You dont need to get anything serious started with them.

I know alot of the guys are going to say thats a bad idea, but they haven't been through this. You really need female companionship, and it doesn't have to be physical. Just so you know that your still desirable to the opposite sex.

Hey man, I feel for you. I'm only a noob DJ but definately a grand master at heartbreak. Here's some advice (FWIW) from my experience:

Take responsibility for your part of the breakup. She must have been a great gal for you to commit but she wasn't perfect. You weren't perfect either. We're only human. Until you can take responsibility you're a victim and there's no power in that. She dumped you. Right now she's got the power and control. When you accept your role you have something back in your control. You've paid in blood for the lessons learned. Learn the lesson, take your power back and go on a stronger person.

Women talk constantly about relationships. Most times this is a major PITA. For now, consider a few female friends you trust to share your feelings with. Unlike the guys, they will listen endlessly and might even have some useful insights.

Excercise, diet, blah blah. It that doesn't help the panic attacks, see your doctor or pharmacist and ask if (insert expensive drug here) might be right for you. Panic attacks are serious. If it takes meds for a while to get under control then that's what it takes.

Mostly, hang in there. This won't last forever.

the first thing you have to understand is that love is addictive. a break up is like being hooked on heroine and then suddenly your supply is cut off. And this isn't just an anology, love, and codependence, produce chemicals in the brain that are addictive.

maturity is realizing that:

1) SHE, as a person, isn't why you are jonesing. It's becuase of your addiction to the feeling. A feeling you CAN have with ANYONE, but you chose her as your supplier.
2) YOUR supply is TEMPORARILY cut off. no matter how much you try to figure out WHY it was cut off, it doesnt change the fact that it is cut off. So accept that you aren't going to be getting high any time soon.

once you accept that SHE isn't the reason you are feeling badly, but rather your withdrawal from the addiction, you'll see that this is a battle you can win. As long as see HER as the source of your pain/happiness (and dont acknowledge that its really the addiction to love that is hurting you right now) you'll stay attached to her for a LONG time.

as for her actions. no ethical human being would treat another person this way. BUT, not everyone is ethical. She's shown you that she is not trust worthy and that she will blindside you at the worst moments. No man should want this kind of woman!

Which only goes back to my point. We both know she ain't worth sh*t after what she pulled, yet part of you still wants her. Just like heroine. Even though its killing you, you still want it.

when you come to love and respect yourself, you'll realize you don't need toxic sh*t in your life. Healthy people don't shoot up on heroine, and healthy men don't let toxic b*tches into their lives.

trust me man, chics like her always end up in the same place. she'll be 45, fat, wrinkled, and miserable.

And I've said this before. People too often think that someone is intentionally hurting them. when the reality is that the person is wacko and is hurting themselves (but because you are so close to them, you get hurt also).

Now before you go thinking 'hey, maybe i should try to save her' don't bother. she KNOWS that she just stuck a dagger through your heart. she knows that there is no going back now. no self respecting person would ever take someone like that back.

so basically this is over. no need to hate her. she's sad and pathetic and will suffer the consequences of that down the road.

you have to realize that you are going to go through withdrawal and to ride it out.

the best revenge is living well.

J

Again, Joekerr your stuff on this site has been amazing. Very insightful and to the point. The reason I post here is I've made every single mistake these guys have made (and will probably continue to make mistakes) and that is obsessing over a woman who really wasn't very nice. Yes, if they're going to end a long, meaningful relationship that quickly and with no heart or soul, then they'd end a marriage the same way. They are heartless fools.

I see one of the main themes here is not seeing the ex-girlfriend for who she is: a regular human being.

A gal I thought about marrying in college I saw years later at a reunion ... saved by the bell! Overweight and not treating her husband very nice. That's called dodging a bullet.

The traits a woman shows in dating she'll show in marriage, only the traits will be at a greater magnitude.

What are your hobbies, your interests, your passions? Immerse yourself in these things and it will help greatly.

I know it's really tough having a long term relationship end. No matter what, it's tough. We're not robots. You can't just get over her overnight. The therapy will help. The thing that helped me most was rediscovering the passions and hobbies that I had left behind while being in a co-dependent relationship.

Even if you weren't co-dependent, it's tough to move on. It's incredibly hard to start dating again. There's all the pain and insecurities that keep coming up when you start to date again.

I made my one ex too big a part of my life. Little by little, I started skipping time with friends and giving up time alone to do my hobbies. I started doing more of what she wanted to do. Then, one day I woke up in a co-dependent relationship. The worst thing that can happen to a guy. When it ends, your whole life comes crashing down. I had to rediscover myself and my life afterwards. It took a long time to regain my identity and self esteem. But now I have more confidence than ever and won't make the same mistake again.

It will take time to get over her, but you will. Hang in there, when the healing is done, you'll be a much better and stronger man.

i agree with eddy.
it takes alot of "me time" to discover yourself after a relationship ends and you do feel all messed up and you start off by feeling like you are dead but still walking around. i remember those horrible feelings when i went thru my divorce, and i remember the feelings of desperation because you dont know who you are anymore or how to live without that person in your life anymore. BUT YOU DO. you go on, life goes on, and you are stronger in the end.

Sorry Trim, I guess what I'm trying to say is to go out and do the things you enjoy. Spend time with your true friends as much as you can. They'll help a lot. Remember different things you've enjoyed doing in your life, and do them again.

When was the last time you did a sport you enjoyed?

When was your last, all-time best workout? Do one that's even better!

When was the last time you played a musical instrument, or did something artistic?

Take a class on something. Home improvement, cooking, fly-fishing, whatever.

What other hobbies and interests have you had? Do them again.

Somewhere in your mind there's something you've been wanting to try but never have. Now is the time to try it.

Go on a little trip somewhere. Meet a new girl with no intentions of dating her and no attachment to the outcome.

TrimReaper,

You said you are atheistic. To me, that's why you're not happy. Man, the Lord is where I turn to when something like that happens. I couldn't imagine life without my Christianity. I realize I probably won't even make a dent with you, but the fact that my happiness lies with the Lord and not with some hateful not to be trusted woman speaks volumes. At least consider it.

don't run before you crawl.

It's going to take time - so I suggest in the meantime, you do whatever feels natural - whatever is going to make you happy. Don't beat yourself up - and don't worry about sh#t that you do right now. All your time should be spent on you - doing things for yourself - for sure you've been doing a lot of things for other people (like the ex) for a long time, trying to make her happy - now you should concentrate on making you happy.

Thanks for the support fellas. You don't know how much I appreciate it. It did help to read your input. I actually laughed for the first time in a long time today.

Westcoaster, thanks for your advice. I agree I waited way too long. But my problem was that she was 21 when I met her. And I was 30. I figured I should wait at least until she finished school, but I guess I figured wrong. Either way, if she didn't want to be around me, it would mean I'd be filing papers instead of trying to return the ring.

.

You give everything you have and it's just not enough, this is what rejection is...her knowing who you are and that not being good enough.

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Shyguy, that's the bottom line. I did give everything. Nevertheless, she rejected me for who I was, not for how I was moody on a certain day, or how I told a dirty joke to her friends. She looked at the whole person, me, and said 'no', I don't want him in my life anymore. If it were somebody, like her mother for example, who didn't give me acceptance, I could care less. But for the person to whom I committed myself to do it is, as Joe put it, like sticking a "dagger through my heart."

Joe, I've noticed you are always spot on. I'll buy the beer if your ever in my town.

trust me man, chics like her always end up in the same place. she'll be 45, fat, wrinkled, and miserable

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You don't know how close you are to describing her mom. Well, she's a fifty-year-old, medicated, morbidly-obese lesbian who lives with an emasculated husband that does everything for her, like she's an infant. It's sickening. Regardless, it's crazy for me to imagine this happening to my ex because I don't...ahem....didn't want her to have an unhappy life.

And the addiction description is definitely accurate. I know I can feel that way for another woman at some point. I prefer blondes with big knockers by the way.

Eddy, Thanks for the direction. I'm crazy about sports. Believe it or not, I used to be a pro athlete(not football), but I can't really work out now like I want (no lower body) due to a long-term injury. My hobby before I met this last one was DJing. It's funny, but it was like hunting for me. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I'm starting a new career soon, so that should add some variety to my life.

Penkitten, so you know that zombie feeling, too. And the desperation... There really isn't anything I can say to describe how rough it is. I think that emotion is what's causing me to panic. Yes, life does go on. But as you probably know, it's odd to face it with someone for so long, then do it on your own. It's like I have to relearn some, or maybe many, things. Further compounding the problem is having to shutdown my concern for the woman. I have a lot of challenges ahead.

Speedo, Really, thanks. My best friend almost became a priest and we can still hang. But different strokes for different folks.

don't run before you crawl.

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Newman, I have this in mind exactly. I made plans with friends for the weekend. And I do have to take whatever I want back. I'm so used to giving that I have to be able to turn it off and redirect it back at myself.

Hey all,

I couldn't keep my mind off of the breakup all day as it was a month ago to the day. Man, I cried and cried today. (did I just lose my DJ standing?) It was by far the worst I've had. I can't believe it's been a month already and I'm not getting better. In fact, I'm getting worse! Well, the therapist called and scheduled me for next week. I wish it could be now! I can't believe what is going on.

This is seriously derailling my efforts to change careers. Really, one of the major issues she had with me was my career. I tried to get into a certain government organization for the past three years but failed, while still working as a teacher. This summer I decided to bag the government position because I wanted to make more than enough to support a family and I had tried long enough. I had never imagined her leaving me, and for the past three months, I've been studying to pass some exams for the new job. Now that it's time to take the exams, I can't concentrate. I worked so hard, and she saw me bustin' my a*s. But she just wouldn't stick around to support me. In my worst nightmares, would things have ended up like this. She treated me like sh1t at the end of the relationship, and she's still treating me like sh1t.

I know I have to let things go. It's easy intellectually. But it's impossible in practice on my own. I'm really counting on this doctor.

its called self pity.

right now you are using all your energies to think about how f*cked over you got in life.

people often take self pity as an insult. its not. it's natural to get upset over a loss.

but listen to me, self pity never solved anything. its just an endless cycle of beating yourself up.

right now it sounds like because shes lost faith in you that you've lost faith in yourself. dammit man, don't let a b*tch do this to you. in this world all you ever truly have as a man is a belief in yourself.

that's it. and when men give that away to some woman, and make her belief in them all that matters, when she takes that belief away they end up killing themselves or some crazy chit.

Im glad you are going to see a therapist. they will help you through this.

until then i suggest you go out and buy everr "man" movie you can find, and just spend your days watcing them.

My personal suggestion is Scarface.

Right now you're testoterone supply is on the fritz and you need to kick start it. You need to get your fire back and to believe in yourself again. you need to get your fight back.

hang in there man, things will get better.

J

Joe,

Thanks for your help again. I agree. Totally low testosterone. I don't feel like f*cking or fighting. I can't sleep at all...maybe four hours per night or less sometimes. And it's been like that the whole month. I'm seriously hoping my body can handle this. A friend of mine was concerned, did some reseaerch, and informed me I'm depressed mentally and physically at this point. Gee thanks dude....

And for the self-pity, I am beating myself up over this I know. I think it's the only thing left my mind can do to keep her around (in my confused head). As you know, I don't want her around though. But it seems as though I'm not consciously falling apart. I'll be fine, then something triggers and I'm hurting. I think the doctor can help most with this.

I'm trying to focus on the positive things which have nothing to do with the ex. But it's hard to find them since she was around so much these past years. I'm doing what I can and I will get better. When I'm not too sure, but I'll stick around here and let ya'll know what's going on.

everything will be fine once you stop staring into the black hole that was your relationship with her.

the thing with break ups is that they force you to deal with the big existential questions in life. you are alone. everything ends, eventually. nothing is what it seems half the time. etc.

for a lot of folks going from a feeling of total security and total depedency to a feeling of being completely alone and lost is a lot to handle.

thats why everyone keeps saying on this board - learn to love yourself and be kidn to yourself. it is the ONLY way to guarantee that you have a fairly enjoyable life.

i mean, you might find the best woman to ever live, but she could still get hit by a car and die.

the truth is that we walk through life alone, even when others join us on the journey. so you always have to be prepared to go it alone if need be.

J

Hey Trim,

Just wanna add my 2 cents here. I know excactly what you are going through. I was in a 13 yr (9Married) relationship. She was 25 and I was 30 when we got married. Then after my marriage maybe 3 months after the divorce was final I got into a 8 month relationship and just this September, after I had deeply fell in love with her, got her a ring and did the proposal thing and all, she did a complete 180 on me and pretended I never exsisted!! I took this harder than my divorce but it was like a double wammy and I had the same feelings you are describing. I actually took this harder than the divorce. It's like you have your soul pulled out of your body and your walking around like a zombie. It was even effecting my life with my 5yr old daughter. I couldn't function at work. I went to parties only to leave 30minutes later and go home and cry. I took anti-depressants for about a week until I read how hard it is to come off of them, I went to shrinks, counslers and got alot of info from the internet and mainly this site. The best thing I found that helped me was exercise!! I made it a point to exercise(walk,bike) everyday!! I noticed that I would feel great after a 30min exercise for at least a couple of hours and that great feeling became addictive so it made me exercise everyday. It's a great excuse to exercise and in the end it will make you look and feel better about yourself and right now that is the best thing for you, to feel good about yourself again. I've lost 20 pounds and I feel and look better than I have since high-school.

I know it's hard to believe everything you read here because I went through the same shi t you did and it seems all this advice is good, but deep down you don't think it will get better and it seems "easier said than done". It's been a little over a month since I hit my wall and I have just started to get better. Especially in the last week I have noticed that I am feeling better about myself and for the first time, I kinda like hanging out by myself watching TV. Which before I couldn't handle being by myself and when I was, I was pacing the floors talking to myself wondering what the hell I did for this to happen!!!!

As far as the sleeping thing I took Klonipin off and on for that first month. Just a small dose to get to sleep.


Just trust me and everybody here, IT WILL GET BETTER!!! Believe me, I didn't think I would ever be saying this. Right now just take it day by day and know in the back of your mind that you will get through this.

Lance