****y/Funny answers to every day occurances POST #1

Here are various ****y/Funny answers to common every day occurances ... I am still expanding this list and will possibly put up more next week as I either see c&f in action or find them on the internet somewhere.


When someone calls you "cute"
When someone calls you "sweet"
When someone calls you "shallow"
When someone calls you "lazy"
When someone calls you "quick"
When someone calls you "a nice guy"
When someone calls you "a jerk"
When someone calls you "a dumbass"
When someone says "I love/like you"

When someone hands you 'a kids food item'
When someone is acting like a sore loser
When someone is late to an appointment
When someone puts someone up on the pedestole
When someone is acting like a dull putz
When someone whines about something in their food
When someone states their unsolicited opinion
When someones room is trashed
When someone comments about seeing you around
When someone askes if you have a girlfriend
When someone askes if you are married
When someone has really big sideburns
When someone has died hair
When someone has curly hair
When someone is wearing a big pair of highheels.
When you walk in on someone in the bathroom
When someone knocks on the door
When someone makes a comment about an animal licking itself
When someone uses out-of-date terminology
When someone is acting like a cold-hearted b!tch
When you go to a function ment for college freshman and get caught
When someone wants you to come see something
When someone wants you to guess something
When people comment about parts of your body
When someone askes what you majored you in in college
When someone is following you around
When someone likes music
When someone is surprised at your accomplishments
When someone is surprised you knew something
When someone thinks someone isn't hot and you do
When someone wants to use you as an "emotional tampon"
When someone is acting really arrogent

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When someone calls you "cute"

Question:"Arn't you just the cutest?"
Reply: "You know, I think I just might be actually!"

Statement: "You are so cute!"
Reply: "That's ruggedly handsome, thanks..."

Statement: "Boy, that's cute ..."
Reply: "No, cute would be donating a few dollars to send you to charm school."


When someone calls you "sweet"

Statement: "You are so sweet!"
Reply: "I know, people just can't keep their hands off of me!"

When someone calls you "shallow"

Statement: "Boy, you are shallow!"
Reply: "Naw, I just judge people by their looks"

When someone calls you "lazy"

Statement: "Boy you are lazy!"
Reply: "I know, I was born a richman in a poor mans body."

When someone calls you "quick"

Statement: "Boy, you are quick on your feet today!"
Reply: "Wow, that's Amazing, the cute little stalker girls tell me the same exact thing!"

When someone calls you "a nice guy"

Statement: "You're such a nice guy!"
Reply: "Har har, call me anything; so long as you don't complain about leather cladded alcoholics."
Reply: " Maybe ... I took like three on-line jerk test and each time I came out a total jerk, except I cheated on some answers."

When someone calls you "a jerk"

Statement: "You are such a jerk"
Reply: "Yeah, I know. It's the only way I can compete with you"

When someone calls you "a dumbass"

Command: "Hey, wake-up, dumbass"
Reply: "Yeah, I will when I find him."

Statement: "You dumbass!"
Reply: "I'd be careful, that's my older brothers pin-name, and he's a lot bigger than both of us."


When someone says "I love/like you"
Statement: "I love you, man!"
Reply: "[if you've been drinking] Gee that's nice, but then I'm only on my first beer."

Statement: "I love/like you"
Reply: "Yeah, Me too"
Reply: "I like ... [something]"
Reply: "So, you are in 'like' with me?"

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When someone hands you 'a kids food item'

Question: "Would you like [some kid's food item]"
Reply: "No thanks, I'm [state your age]"

When someone is acting like a sore loser

Statement/question: "God damn, fvck ... Why do you keep winning?"
Reply: "If you're that sore about it I can always say I'm on steroids or something"

When someone is late to an appointment

Statement: "Hey, sorry I'm late"
Reply: " It's ok, I already knew you were bratty."

When someone puts someone up on the pedestole

Statement:" That woman is a Goddess!"
Reply: "Odd, I always considered her the mother earth wh0re type"

When someone is acting like a dull putz

Statement: "[insert boring crap here]"
Reply: "Yeah, it's this shade of grey that makes the color 'me' pop!

When someone whines about something in their food

Statement: "Ohh yuck, look what I found in my food"
Reply: "Maybe those are prizes, you know, like collect all five"

When someone states their unsolicited opinion

Statement: "[states opinion]"
Reply: "Ohhh, isn't that cute... You have an opinion ..."

When someones room is trashed

Statement:" I'm impressed, this place is already in prime shape for a party"

When someone comments about seeing you around

Statement: "I've seen you all over the place today/ Cya Around"
Reply: "Yeah, I'm omnipresent/ Wait I'll see you. I'm omnipresent, remember?"

When someone askes if you have a girlfriend

Question: "Do you have a girlfriend?"
Reply: "Sure do, I keep her in a small cardboard box. She's the mini variety."
Reply: "Several, got a calculator?
Reply: "No, but I don't mind a girl getting closer if she's fun."

When someone askes if you are married
Question: "Are you married?/From Me?"
Reply: "That's it, I want a divorce/ I just can't take the abuse!"

When someone has really big sideburns
Question: "Hey, do you think these side-burns are really me?"
Reply: "Either that or wolverine's."

Statement "Nice sideburns, I bet they are the envy of wolverine's everywhere"

When someone has died hair
Statement: "With all the fake blonds in this world its a relief to find a real one for once"

When someone has curly hair
Statement: "Normally I only talk to girls with more than 90% of their real hair"

When someone is wearing a big pair of highheels.
Statement: "What, are you like 4 feet tall without those shoes?"

When you walk in on someone in the bathroom

Statement: "Didn't you see me holding the door back?"
Reply: "No, actually I thought you were just using your magical powers of telekenesis."

When someone knocks on the door
Statement: "[door knocks]*
Reply:"Look everyone, it's the milkman!"

SENERIO
Guy1:"[door knocks]*Look everyone, it's the milkman!"
Guy2:"Daddy!"
Guy1 "[to Guy3 at the door] Your son would like a word with you!
Guy3: [lifting shirt] Alright kids, come get your milk right here
Guy1: Alright, I take that back. This isn't the milkman. It's Mr. Slim Goodbody ...
Guy2: He said it before I did ...

When someone makes a comment about an animal licking itself

Statement: "I wish I could do that!"
Reply: "Go on over, he/she probably wouldn't mind."

When someone uses out-of-date terminology

Statement: " I going to go ask a girl out on a date and whoo here with a crisp, clear glass of wine."
Reply: "That's great, you can take her back to the 80s when that phrase was last used."

When someone is acting like a cold-hearted b!tch

Reply: "Why don't you flick some of that ice off of your heart and into my drink ... If you can find it of course ..."

When you go to a function ment for college freshman and get caught

Statement: "Hey, you arn't suppose to be here, this is for freshman."
Reply: "That's not what they told me at the playground this morning!"

When someone wants you to come see something

Statement: "Hey, come see what I got!"
Reply: "Rythm?"

When someone wants you to guess something

Statement: "Hey, Guess what!"
Reply: "The fifth dentist caved and now they are recommending trident?"

Statement: "Who is [insert odd name here]
Reply: "Big bird's cousin?"

When people comment about parts of your body

Question/Statement: "Where did you get such beautiful eyes? You have such lovely eyes!"
Reply:"Thanks, they were a gift from the milkman."

Statement: "You have wonderful such wonderful cheeks [cheek bones]!"
Reply: "I know, you keep staring at them."

When someone askes what you majored you in in college

Question:"What [is/was] your major?"
Reply: "Homemaking, I'm an aspiring house-husband."
Reply: "The best one of them all - The janitorial arts!"

Question: "Did you get your diploma from a cracker's jack box?"
Reply: "No, actually I got this suit from a cracker's jack box. The diploma was in the front suit pocket."

When someone is following you around

Statement: "Hey, do you follow me around for a hobby? You know, for a stalker you are pretty cute."

When someone likes music

Statement: [romantic]"It's so [romantic/crazy/etc.], just like west-side sory except without the dancing and puerto ricans."
Statement: [classical]"It's so [classy/baroque/etc.], with a twist of britney spears and maybe a hint of R&B."

When someone is surprised at your accomplishments

Question: "How did you get here?"
Reply: "Kissing asses from a long and distinguished list, thank you very much"

Question: "That's a great book, who wrote it?"
Reply: "I know, who read it to you?"

When someone is surprised you knew something

Question:"How did you know that?"
Reply: "Because I know everything ... Ask me anything; I know all the worlds answers!"

When someone thinks someone isn't hot and you do

Question: "You think she is really that hot?"
Reply: "If I wasn't already taken she would be rejecting me by now"

When someone wants to use you as an "emotional tampon"

Statement: "I can use a friend, let's talk"
Reply:" I know a good psyciatrist for that, cya"

Statement: " I need to talk to someone, I really need a friend right now."
Reply: "Good luck with that, cya..."

When someone is acting really arrogent
Slow down there, you ego is writting checks your body can't cash.
Your soul is like a apendex, I don't even bother reading it.

Thanks for the effort, rgeere, but most of these sound canned and I didn't laugh at a single one.

Originally posted by rhsarrow17
Thanks for the effort, rgeere, but most of these sound canned and I didn't laugh at a single one.

Click to expand...

I would call this a little bit more than an effort. About 25% of these lines are origional things that I have said personally and have worked for me or worked in the context of the moment.

The other 75% are adapted from elsewhere.

Some of the things are not intended to be funny, but witty comebacks ... When you look at the way they are done the concepts are one in the same. Also, take context into consideration ...

Some of these, if delivered correctly, could be OK. Not necessarily fall out of your chair funny, but OK.

Overall I think you just wasted a couple hours of your life putting this thing together.

What people on this site need to learn is things like conversation are suppsosed to be natural. Some people need to be told some simple rules like "ask questions. talk about what the other persons seems interested in" but for the most part talking to people is something you should just be able to do.

If you're not funny its no big deal. Most people aren't funny. Or at least they seldom are. Think about the number of people you know who are funny, and how many people aren't. Its not some huge character flaw if you're not witty.

Think about how many people you like being around who have never said anything that made you fall over laughing. Its no big deal. Trying to be witty and NOT accomplishing it is a lot worse than not being witty at all.

Originally posted by rgeere
are adapted from elsewhere.

Click to expand...

= canned.

and as far as the effort terminology is concerned...."thanks for slaving over a hot keyboard for days preparing this post for us, but" etc

Originally posted by rhsarrow17
= canned.

and as far as the effort terminology is concerned...."thanks for slaving over a hot keyboard for days preparing this post for us, but" etc

Click to expand...

With this logic everything is canned, even if you come up with it yourself. Not entirely true, but that's your opinion.

There probably isn't anything that anyone else hasn't thought of before, but if you come up with it yourself the more better for you and the more fluent.

AZA

It was more for me than for you guys anyways ... If you appreciate it, fine ... If not, then fine ... I didn't see myself as wasting any of my time compiling this ...

Originally posted by rgeere
if you come up with it yourself the more better for you and the more fluent.

Click to expand...

This I totally agree with. I dont mean to flame you or anything at all, but I personally didn't gain anything from your post.

C&F works so much better when it's spontaneous. The effort is appreciated but some heads might get the wrong idea and start memorizing a bunch of lines. That's not the way to go.

whatever guys, i liked it

Originally posted by So Many Ways
C&F works so much better when it's spontaneous. The effort is appreciated but some heads might get the wrong idea and start memorizing a bunch of lines. That's not the way to go.

Click to expand...

That's the right attitude, though I don't necessarily see anything wrong with analyzing these lines taking that you are doing it to find a pattern or concept you can adapt to get a better ****y/funny mindset.

It's the thought that counts.

Thanks for your effort, rgeere.

hmmmmm
the last 10 or so were a little off, but i liked most of them, they fit well with my style and i've heard/used a couple of them too. It's probably not you guy's style for those who don't get it, or enjoy them that much. I can say (and rgeere will agree, that the ladies will laff at them)

I'll read it once or twice, and when a situation comes along, i'll remember it hopefully

Not all the ones at the end were off, except for maybe the ones I hadn't really used myself and got from other places.

These are the ones that I have used and I know WILL work if you pull them off correctly ... I've gotten girls and other people laughing and interested in me by saying all of these things, well, except for the ones that I said when I was around other guys just to have a sense of humor.


Statement: "You are so cute!"
Reply: "That's ruggedly handsome, thanks..."
Reply: " Maybe ... I took like three on-line jerk test and each time I came out a total jerk, except I cheated on some answers."
Statement:" That woman is a Goddess!"
Reply: "Odd, I always considered her the mother earth wh0re type"
Statement: "[states opinion]"
Reply: "Ohhh, isn't that cute... You have an opinion ..."
Statement:" I'm impressed, this place is already in prime shape for a party"
Statement: "I've seen you all over the place today/ Cya Around"
Reply: "Yeah, I'm omnipresent/ Wait I'll see you. I'm omnipresent, remember?"
Question: "Do you have a girlfriend?"
Reply: "Sure do, I keep her in a small cardboard box. She's the mini variety."
Reply: "Several, got a calculator?
Reply: "No, but I don't mind a girl getting closer if she's fun."
When someone askes if you are married
Question: "Are you married?/From Me?"
Reply: "That's it, I want a divorce/ I just can't take the abuse!"
Question: "Hey, do you think these side-burns are really me?"
Reply: "Either that or wolverine's."
Statement: "With all the fake blonds in this world its a relief to find a real one for once"
Statement: "Didn't you see me holding the door back?"
Reply: "No, actually I thought you were just using your magical powers of telekenesis."
Statement: "Hey, you arn't suppose to be here, this is for freshman."
Reply: "That's not what they told me at the playground this morning!"
Question:"What [is/was] your major?"
Reply: "Homemaking, I'm an aspiring house-husband."
Question: "Did you get your diploma from a cracker's jack box?"
Reply: "No, actually I got this suit from a cracker's jack box. The diploma was in the front suit pocket."
Statement: "Hey, do you follow me around for a hobby? You know, for a stalker you are pretty cute."
Statement: [classical]"It's so [classy/baroque/etc.], with a twist of britney spears and maybe a hint of R&B."
Question:"How did you know that?"
Reply: "Because I know everything ... Ask me anything; I know all the worlds answers!"
Statement: "I can use a friend, let's talk"
Reply:" I know a good psyciatrist for that, cya"

Maybe these are lame, but I came up with them just after reading this:

Statement: "You are so cute!"
Reply: "Aww you're too sweet, you have my permission to buy me dinner. 8 O'Clock sound ok?"
Question: "Do you have a girlfriend?"
Reply: "yes! and she's the most beautiful, spectacular goddess in the whole world! I can't help but kiss her @ss and buy her everything she wants. It's the least I can do for being in the pressence of such an amazing woman."
Statement: "I can use a friend, let's talk"
Reply:"OK, but I charge 100 bux an hour for my services. And I'm going to need the money upfront. Cash ok?"
Statement: "Hey, you aren't suppose to be here, this is for freshman."
Reply: "Oh, my bad. Next time I'll remember to shower."
Question:"How did you know that?"
Reply: "There's this great thing you should try, it's called learning a thing or two. That's what I did and it's worked for me."
Statement: "Hey, Guess what!"
Reply: "What! Did someone finally crack the secret on how they get the caramilk in the caramilk bar?" or "what, you figured out the 9 herbs and spices used in KFC?" or any other stupid variation

When asking a girl out and she replies with: "Sorry, I have a boyfriend"
Reply: "Oh, that's perfect, he can pay for our dinner then." or "Be sure to tell him to not be late when he comes to drive us to dinner, nothing I hate more than tardiness."

A new line I'm trying to use with girls is "Hey, I'm free (insert date), I was thinking that you could pick me up at (insert time) and treat me to dinner." <-- haven't tried any variations of this yet so I don't even know if it's good or not. Also if the girl agrees to this, I wanna try saying " I like chocolate, so be sure to bring some when you come pick me up."

i'd put more up, but i'm tired.

v. amusing rgeere. I might use them if they spring to mind and seem appropriate

well done rgree,

@others: its good to read something like this a couple of times because your subconscious stores them. Then when you are in trouble and need them, ur brain might even subconsciously pull them out. Which is why kids that watch comedy tend to come out with good lines.

and when someone makes a good retort go, ziiing.
good 1
har har.

sorry but these are attempting to teach someone to be funny.
comedians aren't taught ya know. they're born. cuz you know if they weren't then how would they become a comedian? :crackup: