was my ex ever even attracted to me in the first place?

captain55 · Dec 2, 2014

Im going to share the story you guys about how I met my e it is very unique story.

. Met her on Facebook, start talking here and there and calling each other. We talk a few days in a row and she finally is down to meet up with me. I felt like she started to like me before I even met her.

Finally when I meet up with her in person, I walk right up to her and grab her ass and she giggles. Within an hour of knowing her...I start making out with her in the bar and the rest was history...she fell in love crazy hard.
Ended up dating for a while...

5 down the road, out of nowhere she just loses feelings for me. She said it was my attitude that pushed her away but I don't buy it I think once the honeymoon phase wore off she just realized she wasn't attracted to me.

So if I wasn't a rebound (and based on what I know I don't think I was) what gives? I can understand a chick hooking up with a guy who makes her feel good who she's not attracted to for a few weeks or maybe a ONS, but for half a year wtf?

logicallefty · Dec 2, 2014

She was likely attracted to you at first but you let your frame slip. We have all done it, every single one of us.

- AT FIRST, Woman is attracted to your looks/body. That gets you "in the door" so to speak

- AT FIRST, Woman is also attracted to your frame and personality, and that keeps you in the door

After a while you start to let your frame slip:

- Maybe she starts to lead the relationship, and you follow

- Maybe she starts to get b|tchy with you and treat you like a little boy getting scolded by a hateful teacher, and you let her

- Maybe you start "opening up" to her, expressing your feelings and inner self, and talking to her about things you shouldn't. She leads you to think that "she is different" and it's OK to do that, and you follow

- Maybe you start doing more for her and are "such a nice guy", she sucks it in and leads you to believe that it's exactly what she wants (and in the deep cracks of her mind, she WANTS TO WANT it, but doesn't actually WANT it)

- Maybe your appearance starts to slip

- Maybe you start flooding with her with too many compliments. After all, she is "different", isn't she, so this should be fine, right?

- Maybe you start talking about marriage and family and kids at the very time when it's the absolute single most damaging thing you could possibly talk about

Next thing you know, she has lead you right to the cliff, gave you a tiny flick to the back of the head, and you jump.

All of the things you did killed the attraction she once had. She has sh|t tested you, you have failed, and she has weeded you out of her potential list of suitors and moves on to the next one, probably before you and her officially severed ties.

When you are dating a woman, even in the best of women, you can bank that there will be at least two other guys in the picture at the same time you are with her: The guy she had before you and is moving to leave, and the guy she has at the end before she officially leaves you.

Dhoulmagus · Dec 2, 2014

Girls don't know what the **** they want

BraddH · Dec 2, 2014

Whenever you are ready to leave her, she will never leave. Read that again. Read it once more.

If the case is opposite, so is for the girl too.

captain55 · Dec 2, 2014

logicallefty said:
She was likely attracted to you at first but you let your frame slip. We have all done it, every single one of us.

- AT FIRST, Woman is attracted to your looks/body. That gets you "in the door" so to speak

- AT FIRST, Woman is also attracted to your frame and personality, and that keeps you in the door

After a while you start to let your frame slip:

- Maybe she starts to lead the relationship, and you follow

- Maybe she starts to get b|tchy with you and treat you like a little boy getting scolded by a hateful teacher, and you let her

- Maybe you start "opening up" to her, expressing your feelings and inner self, and talking to her about things you shouldn't. She leads you to think that "she is different" and it's OK to do that, and you follow

- Maybe you start doing more for her and are "such a nice guy", she sucks it in and leads you to believe that it's exactly what she wants (and in the deep cracks of her mind, she WANTS TO WANT it, but doesn't actually WANT it)

- Maybe your appearance starts to slip

- Maybe you start flooding with her with too many compliments. After all, she is "different", isn't she, so this should be fine, right?

- Maybe you start talking about marriage and family and kids at the very time when it's the absolute single most damaging thing you could possibly talk about

Next thing you know, she has lead you right to the cliff, gave you a tiny flick to the back of the head, and you jump.

All of the things you did killed the attraction she once had. She has sh|t tested you, you have failed, and she has weeded you out of her potential list of suitors and moves on to the next one, probably before you and her officially severed ties.

When you are dating a woman, even in the best of women, you can bank that there will be at least two other guys in the picture at the same time you are with her: The guy she had before you and is moving to leave, and the guy she has at the end before she officially leaves you.

I admit towards the end of the relationship I stopped getting dressed up for as frequently, stopped shaving all the time. She admitted to me that while that was part of the reason she left it was it seemed that I stopped caring about my appearance as much but that that wasn't a "huge chunk" of it, she said it was mainly my attitude (said I treated her like ****).

Let's be real though. What guy is on his best game 100% with a chick he has been banging for 6 months?

captain55 · Dec 2, 2014

PairPlusRoyalFlush said:
You need to apply some male logic to it. She WAS attracted to you. Then she got bored and left. But, she hung around until she had backup(s) in place.

But to be fair isn't this inevitable after a while?. I always thought a girl losing some physical attraction to a man over time was inevitable because so much of sexual attraction for women is novelty.

I should mention She was also only 20 years old

El Payaso · Dec 2, 2014

BraddH said:
Whenever you are ready to leave her, she will never leave. Read that again. Read it once more.

If the case is opposite, so is for the girl too.

Another post of yours that makes no sense. Mutual breakups are not an uncommon experience.

logicallefty · Dec 2, 2014

captain55 said:
Let's be real though. What guy is on his best game 100% with a chick he has been banging for 6 months?

Consider there is a "tank of attraction" like a gas tank in a car.

- Whenever you behave like a "man" and/or show manly qualities, you are fueling your own tank.

- Whenever you behave like a beta, you are draining your own tank.

- It's OK now and then to be beta and let some of your tank drain. But most guys to this too rapidly and let the tank run dry, and then it's game over.

When you have been dating a woman for 6 months, you can drain some of your tank but again don't do it too rapidly.

Can you ever completely stop behaving like a "man" and just be beta 100% of the time?

- IMO, I don't care who you are or if you have been married 20, 30, 40 years, the answer to that is NO.

- Even if our grandfathers pulled this off, I don't think any of us can.

- Especially as we move in to these next generations of cr@ppy women

To look at it another way at a slightly different angle, back to the attraction tank theory.

- A "normal"/non celeb woman starts dating Brad Pitt

- A "normal"/non celeb woman starts dating Mr. Average AFC

- Both Brad and the AFC act in the exact same beta ways, do the exact same beta things, the exact same number of times the exact same ways

- Which relationship do you think will last longer? Who started out with a bigger attraction tank from the get-go?

Clear as mud???

captain55 · Dec 2, 2014

logicallefty said:
Consider there is a "tank of attraction" like a gas tank in a car.

- Whenever you behave like a "man" and/or show manly qualities, you are fueling your own tank.

- Whenever you behave like a beta, you are draining your own tank.

- It's OK now and then to be beta and let some of your tank drain. But most guys to this too rapidly and let the tank run dry, and then it's game over.

When you have been dating a woman for 6 months, you can drain some of your tank but again don't do it too rapidly.

Can you ever completely stop behaving like a "man" and just be beta 100% of the time?

- IMO, I don't care who you are or if you have been married 20, 30, 40 years, the answer to that is NO.

- Even if our grandfathers pulled this off, I don't think any of us can.

- Especially as we move in to these next generations of cr@ppy women

To look at it another way at a slightly different angle, back to the attraction tank theory.

- A "normal"/non celeb woman starts dating Brad Pitt

- A "normal"/non celeb woman starts dating Mr. Average AFC

- Both Brad and the AFC act in the exact same beta ways, do the exact same beta things, the exact same number of times the exact same ways

- Which relationship do you think will last longer? Who started out with a bigger attraction tank from the get-go?

Clear as mud???

I feel you. My situation was different I was dating a BPD. I must admit that the moment she started pushing me to my limit I broke up with her and took her back out of fear I wouldn't find better and missed the sex. She begged for me back only to break up with me two weeks later.

So it seemed like in order for her to respect me, I had to walk away from her for good. But if I did truly walk away for good I wouldn't of kept banging her.

So maybe I was doomed either way.

captain55 · Dec 2, 2014

PairPlusRoyalFlush said:
My recent ex was 20 as well. Yes its inevitable to lose physical attraction, but not inevitable to lose the relationship. I had lost some physical attraction but I still valued the relationship because there is more to life than just sexual novelty. Probably less that 1% of 20 yr old women understand this. They have been brainwashed to believe the exact opposite.

I will say that I never lost attraction for my BPD ex so maybe its not so inevitable, but its something rational people should expect.

I hear ya...I think this is more true for women losing attraction, I think for the most part women just get bored quicker then men when it comes to sexual monogamy.

captain55 · Dec 2, 2014

PairPlusRoyalFlush said:
Only in today's decadent culture and imbalanced mating market, but not biologically.

BTW, let me just say that I empathize quite a bit with the question this post asks, is something that I always ask a few months after any relationship. The underlying issues are, "how much validation of my attractiveness can I accept from the relationship?" and "was any of it real?" After the end of my BPD relationship, I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that the answer to both questions and the original broader question is basically an unqualified "No" and "none"(she was a bad one). Not a great feeling.

So in your opinion your last BPD was not physically attracted to you? Or are you talking about emotionally?

I totally can relate to what your saying but what makes me feel better is knowing in the back of my mind that the even if it wasn't real, she will never have anything real with any guy she dates because these chicks will jump from guy to guy their entire life.

El Payaso · Dec 2, 2014

logicallefty said:
She was likely attracted to you at first but you let your frame slip. We have all done it, every single one of us.

- AT FIRST, Woman is attracted to your looks/body. That gets you "in the door" so to speak

- AT FIRST, Woman is also attracted to your frame and personality, and that keeps you in the door

After a while you start to let your frame slip:

- Maybe she starts to lead the relationship, and you follow

- Maybe she starts to get b|tchy with you and treat you like a little boy getting scolded by a hateful teacher, and you let her

- Maybe you start "opening up" to her, expressing your feelings and inner self, and talking to her about things you shouldn't. She leads you to think that "she is different" and it's OK to do that, and you follow

- Maybe you start doing more for her and are "such a nice guy", she sucks it in and leads you to believe that it's exactly what she wants (and in the deep cracks of her mind, she WANTS TO WANT it, but doesn't actually WANT it)

- Maybe your appearance starts to slip

- Maybe you start flooding with her with too many compliments. After all, she is "different", isn't she, so this should be fine, right?

- Maybe you start talking about marriage and family and kids at the very time when it's the absolute single most damaging thing you could possibly talk about

Next thing you know, she has lead you right to the cliff, gave you a tiny flick to the back of the head, and you jump.

All of the things you did killed the attraction she once had. She has sh|t tested you, you have failed, and she has weeded you out of her potential list of suitors and moves on to the next one, probably before you and her officially severed ties.

When you are dating a woman, even in the best of women, you can bank that there will be at least two other guys in the picture at the same time you are with her: The guy she had before you and is moving to leave, and the guy she has at the end before she officially leaves you.

SPOT ON.

hudpes · Dec 2, 2014

captain55 said:
I feel you. My situation was different I was dating a BPD. I must admit that the moment she started pushing me to my limit I broke up with her and took her back out of fear I wouldn't find better and missed the sex. She begged for me back only to break up with me two weeks later.

So it seemed like in order for her to respect me, I had to walk away from her for good. But if I did truly walk away for good I wouldn't of kept banging her.

So maybe I was doomed either way.

Now I see it. You took her back and you were too happy to be banging her. She recognized this neediness (also in other areas, not just sex) and lost interest. You should have made it perfectly clear, that she has to prove herself worthy, you don't need her at all, you'll go on with her or without her. See, if you give her a choice like you don't care about the outcome, she feels like she needs to prove that she's very valuable and that you should care.

captain55 · Dec 3, 2014

Guys one more question that I would like to hear several of your opinions on.

She was a BPD....and towards the end of the relationship like all BPD do at some point she was starting to use sex as a weapon to manipulate me. Long story short I told her I'm leaving the relationship unless she starts to put out. I bang her and dump her the following night...

"so your going to have sex with me and then break up with me?" she responds.

and called my phone 50 times and begged for me back. Long story short it was literally a week after this incident that she starts to lose feelings for me. Literally out of the blue when just a week prior we were looking at apartments together.

It is my understanding that women with BPD will generally go cold and line up a back up man the moment they sense you are willing to throw in the towel correct? Could I have kept her in love with me had I not triggered that fear of abandonment by suggesting we breakup two weeks prior to her breaking up with me?
maybe it really had nothing to do with her losing attraction in the first place I was just doomed from the start.

GS750 · Dec 3, 2014

If she was a genuine BPD then it was doomed before you even met her. They are damaged beyond repair. And yes, as soon as they sense any rejection or possible abandonment they will jump to another guy and start the cycle all over again. It's my understanding that they can be in a relationship with little or no emotional attachment at all, so jumping ship and starting over with someone new right away is as easy for them as changing the TV channel.

zekko · Dec 3, 2014

I've always thought that the six month mark (or around there) is a critical milestone. Usually if you are unsuitable for each other, it will come out by that time. I've dated a lot of different girls for about six months.

In this case, my guess is she was initially attracted to you, but by the time she got to know you, decided that you weren't what she was looking for. It happens, not everybody is compatible. I don't think it's necessarily about "losing frame", although it could be.

captain55 · Dec 3, 2014

zekko said:
I've always thought that the six month mark (or around there) is a critical milestone. Usually if you are unsuitable for each other, it will come out by that time. I've dated a lot of different girls for about six months.

In this case, my guess is she was initially attracted to you, but by the time she got to know you, decided that you weren't what she was looking for. It happens, not everybody is compatible. I don't think it's necessarily about "losing frame", although it could be.

She actuallg told me that before she broke up.with ne....that we weren't.compatible and we fought too much. e but still wouldn't a woman who.still found you sexually attractive keep you around in her life to.a.degree? She turned down ny offer to be friends with benefifs.after I met up with her in person......when she was considering it at one point over the phone

was my ex ever even attracted to me in the first place?

captain55

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